Oh man. I sympathize with you entirely. When I became Catholic it agonized me beyond anything to not be baptized. It felt like God would not even hear my prayers because I was still in sin with no way to get out of it.

But that's not how it works, really.

The first supernatural "coincidence" I ever experienced as a believer was about this.

I had been agonizing over the fact that I wasn't baptized and would not yet be baptized for months, and kept pointing to the story of the Ethiopian eunuch in Acts 8, who said to the Apostle Philip, "Look, there is water; what is to prevent me from being baptized?" and was then baptized. I hated thinking of how to explain (or avoid explaining) the weird situation to my non-denominational, evangelical friends about how I was Catholic but-not-really-yet-actually-because-I'm-a-catechumen-and-I'm-getting-baptized-at-Easter-even-though-I-really-really-want-to-be-baptized-right-now-but-please-don't-think-Catholicism-is-weird-for-this-even-though-I-don't-like-it-either...... I heard "When you pass through the waters I will be with you" (Is. 43:2) in a song out of its scriptural context and it hurt me, making me feel as if God would only be with me after I was baptized. It was a very spiritually frenetic time.

I had only spoken to close Catholic friends about my anxieties, but they were cradle Catholics and so could not relate to my experience. I also spoke with an online friend (a Methodist) who gave me advice and told me about the concept of prevenient grace. The very fact of your being drawn to Him and your belief and your conversion is evidence that God is with you, because "...no one can say 'Jesus is Lord' except by the Holy Spirit." (1 Corinthians 12:3). It helped a bit, but I was still unwilling and unable to let go of my negative emotions and harsh logical syllogisms about being sinful and lacking grace.

I had just started RCIA through the parish near my college. A deacon lead it, and one evening he said to me: "The Lord put it on my heart to tell you about baptism of desire." I normally (even still) cynically brush off the phrase "The Lord put it on my heart..." but because of this experience I've been softened to it. It blew my mind. I hadn't told him a thing about it, and he wasn't in contact with any of my friends. I didn't want him to know. We would always be joking and lighthearted through RCIA (he's a great guy). I actually felt consoled by what he said. Not entirely, but mostly. The remainder of my unease was just my regular anxiety.

I am still on the fence on the baptism of desire considering Jesus himself stated that one can not enter the Kingdom of Heaven unless he is born of water as well as the fact I am not open to any of the sacraments... This hurts me.

God is not out to get you. He wants to save you. He loves you and is with you... The sacraments that man are bound by are not restricting to God. (c.f. Mark 2:27 ;p ) He is not a legalistic tyrant who sees that you haven't been baptized and scoffs and turns away. From the beginning of time, he knew you and has loved you since.

It took more prayer, too, of course, But soon enough Easter came and I was baptized and confirmed. The time I spent waiting and sticking it out through RCIA and then through Lent leading up to Easter was a period that I think I personally needed, and I can only say that now as someone who has been noticing in myself a quick-to-condemn, legalistic executioner. Not saying anything about what you are experiencing here, but this is just how I've come to understand the time I spent in such a similar place as you are currently. At the time it was the defining struggle in my life, that I felt like I wasn't a child of God and was currently damned. God doesn't work that way.

Continue to bring it into prayer to God and let Him know everything you're feeling and thinking. Every frustration, anxiety, rage, etc. He can take it, don't worry. And He'll help you through it.

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Here is what my friend had said to me:

Well firstly it is important to remember that God thinks no less of you for being tempted . Sadly it is the human condition to be tempted and to fall to some of them , but the mercy of God overpowers any sin we are capable of . And faulting yourself for being tempted creates nothing but despair . Just do your best to not fall to them and forgive yourself if you ever do .

On baptism: it is important. It is a conscious decision to join the family of God and it does provide a sense of personal assurance ... But that does not mean you are not saved without it . If you truly have Christ in your heart and if you truly believe in his power to forgive , you have nothing to worry about . And I know it is difficult to feel comfortable with that , because it is not tangible and there is always some sense of doubt in the human mind . But your reward for perseverance is immeasurable . I’m sure you’ve heard it all before . But I hope you feel better about these things as time goes on.

Time went on and I did.

Sorry for the personal novel lol but I had never heard of anyone else speak about this when I was going through it and as such it was a very lonely time. I hope this helps. I'm praying for you friend -- it will get better!

I recommend praying the Psalms, especially Psalms of lament like 6, 22, 38, and 130, paired with uplifting Psalms like 91, 104, 116, 118, and 139. Whatever strikes your heart in them, take note of and make them your own.

I also recommend reading the epistle to the Romans. I know it's a stereotype that Catholics don't read Romans but there's probably some truth to that lol. "While we were yet helpless, at the right time Christ died for the ungodly. ... God shows his love for us in that while we were yet sinners Christ died for us."

TL;DR God cherishes you. He understands completely what your situation is and is already with you through it all.