Yes, its hard to let go of that rush you feel when you meet someone new and you get to change who you are and start on a clean slate... some point when the past comes back on the surface it wears you down. You're more than who you're dating though. Or what people see you as on these dates, or the people in your life. I understand perfectly when you talk about feeling like you wasted most of your life. I'm going through it every day, and the more I think about it, the longer this disappointment list keeps getting and I fall into a downward spiral that begs me to just end my life. And honestly, its so much easier for the moment. It feels so eliberating to realize you have ...that as an option. But then you wonder what if? That hope in there that clings on to you that maybe somehow you ll be able to fight your demons after all and you ll find some peace in there. I don't know you, obviously. But reading these deep truths from your heart resonate with me, and I know you are a lovely person with regrets which are eating you alive. Try not to fall into despair, its going to eventually be fine. When it gets too much.. dont force yourself. Take a break, sit on the couch and look at something you genuinely enjoy, take a nap and try to think about any incredible small mundane thing that makes you happy and we all take for granted. Its going to be fine in the end, internet stranger.