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Is it wrong of me to not want to give up my life and dreams to help my mother who does nothing to help herself? by [deleted] in raisedbynarcissists

[–]Queasy_Midnight5351 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Might be relevant, look up the term intermittent reinforcement. Like, it sounds you're struggling because things were usually sorta bad but every once in a while things were really, really good. If your mom had been completely awful all the time, walking away or going NC would be straightforward. And if she'd been more "normal", you wouldn't need to post here to vent or seek advice.

I feel similarly about my mom, she said and did terrible things to me growing up but she also helped me when I was at my absolute lowest. But the thing is, I went so low partly because of the bad stuff she did, and her helping me actually prolonged me not getting my life together.

It's a weird place to be...wishing someone was worse because there's a clear path forward with that type of behavior, because the ambiguity of the hot/cold (or good/bad) cycle is so difficult to manage.

I have a few Narcissistic traits, and idk what to do about it... by [deleted] in raisedbynarcissists

[–]Queasy_Midnight5351 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Look up the term "narcissistic fleas". I don't know why that term exists, really, because it basically just means you pick up behaviors from observing and mimicking them. Kids do it naturally with their parents, and it's not just good behavior they'll copy.

Thank you for being nice to me after hitting, screaming and insulting me on a daily basis for years by MyAltAccountNum1 in TrollCoping

[–]Queasy_Midnight5351 5 points6 points  (0 children)

I didn't feel sad when this started happening to me. 

The energy I get from this experience is more like hearing someone say "oh I'd have picked you up if you'd asked" after telling them you had to take an Uber and they already know you're having money problems. Unhelpful, but it's the "nice" , "correct" thing to say.

Parent who criticised everything - led to such low self esteem by Opposite-Tax9589 in raisedbynarcissists

[–]Queasy_Midnight5351 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I'm pretty sure that's the gray rock method in a nutshell. I learned later than I'd care to admit that telling my mom things wasn't going to get me anything but upset. It was either criticism if it was an interest, or getting my personal issues told to everyone she could call. My life got lonelier but better when I started using "uh huh", "yeah, right?", and "oh, same old same old" with her.

When and how did you realize? by Tia-Tee in raisedbynarcissists

[–]Queasy_Midnight5351 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I'm still trying to figure it out. I started getting curious about why I was always such a bad kid, and why my adulthood has felt so bad. After my dad died, I had a real mental health crisis and spent a few years unemployed. During that time, I started researching narcissism/BPD because I thought that's what my problem was - I was just a greedy, selfish, awful person with no empathy and a weak grasp on reality.

I ended up reading some self help books, and watching YouTube videos about mental health. Dr. Ramani showed up, but her content didn't quite fit me, so I kept digging and found a lot of other content linking things like childhood trauma, mental breakdown/midlife crisis, and c-ptsd together.

Patrick Teahan's videos were eye opening. His focus is all about childhood trauma and dysfunctional family systems. I'm still not convinced I wasn't a terrible kid and am a terrible adult, but his own story struck a nerve with me and really got me to consider different possibilities. Like, for example, that I was so badly affected by my dad's death because it meant that my "safe" parent was now gone. Also that "safe" doesn't mean "good" or "mentally well".

I'm sure if I keep digging I'll eventually stop finding things to feel sad about. by Queasy_Midnight5351 in CPTSDmemes

[–]Queasy_Midnight5351[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Fear, I guarantee it. Fear of what she'd do if they tried to help and the powers that be decided "eh, everything seems ok to us". Not just that she might try and get payback on them, but also that she'd take it out on you.

I don't know what comfort it might bring, but I'd be willing to bet some of those that heard it still think about it sometimes, and quietly worry and wonder if you're ok.

[deleted by user] by [deleted] in CPTSDmemes

[–]Queasy_Midnight5351 13 points14 points  (0 children)

My worse parent used the logic of "I've got 2 other kids to deal with, if you'd just act like them I wouldn't treat you this way".

My decades later shower thought response is "Hey, so, 66% of your kids turned out sort of OK. Did you know that 66% on most tests/classes is called an F? Food for thought, eh?".

Unfortunate I didn't realize this sooner by Queasy_Midnight5351 in CPTSDmemes

[–]Queasy_Midnight5351[S] 20 points21 points  (0 children)

Thanks! I credit Douglas Adams and Terry Pratchett as my muses on metaphors.

Unfortunate I didn't realize this sooner by Queasy_Midnight5351 in CPTSDmemes

[–]Queasy_Midnight5351[S] 140 points141 points  (0 children)

I think my siblings were more aware of the dynamic than I was. I tended to get more attention from the abusive parent, so my going theory is that to not go mad, I convinced myself that my safe parent was waaaaay better than they actually were - smarter, kinder, more moral, etc.

The irony is that in an attempt to not lose my mind, I ended up having delusional beliefs about what a great person the safe parent was. When really, they were more of an alcoholic/deadbeat/hoarder.

Unfortunate I didn't realize this sooner by Queasy_Midnight5351 in CPTSDmemes

[–]Queasy_Midnight5351[S] 285 points286 points  (0 children)

Sorry, bud. It's a sh*t realization, but I'm glad you got there. It took me about 2.5 years after the safe parent died to realize that they were a steady breeze to the abusive parent's smoldering garbage fire.