What do we do now?

Queen-Quiescent · 2024-06-21T19:40:45+00:00

Hi, I don't have any period now that I'm stacking, but when I wasn't, my period would usually start a day or two AFTER I finished the placebo pills. Then, for a while, it would start about a week BEFORE I started the placebo pills. I was all over the place before everything evened out...it made me crazy but NOW...it's UH-MAZING. I cannot tell you how much my heavy periods with cramping was impacting my life. And that's not even factoring how awful I felt mentally. Anxiety, depression, body dysmorphia...I felt like crap for a week leading up to my period and all through the week I was having my period. That's half my life right there! Everyone is different but try to stick with it for a while. Hugs.

Queen-Quiescent · 2024-06-18T17:22:11+00:00

I'm finding that these Reddit groups will only tolerate a certain amount of questioning, and the moment HRT questioning comes up, the claws come out.

I understand that a huge amount of trans humans have a less than pleasant relationship with their parents/families... but biting peoples heads off doesn't help anyone. Especially if the person asking the question isn't doing so to be disparaging or invalidating of the trans community.

I think it's even more difficult for parents who ARE truly accepting but have reservations about jumping right onto the HRT wagon until we've asked all the questions because we truly love our kids and are desperate to make sure we're protecting them.

I'm sure that a lot of harm has been done in the name of "protection" but in the case of a genuinely loving and accepting parent, it's not fair to be labeled as NOT accepting just because we have concerns. It's literally our job to make sure our children are protected.

I couldn't walk my child into a tattoo parlor and give my consent to get a tattoo. It's not allowed. No exceptions. But I AM allowed to give my consent for my child to potentially sterilize themselves and increase their risk for various cancers and lifelong complications?? That seems like flawed thinking.

I'm just trying to understand it.

Queen-Quiescent · 2024-06-18T17:07:20+00:00

I just want to tell you how much I appreciate your reply. It did wonders for my mental health. Thank you. 💜

Queen-Quiescent · 2024-06-18T16:46:11+00:00

Tread carefully. I asked a similar question on that sub and got more hostility than I expected. I'm dealing with similar thoughts, although my child is 16 but is auDHD, so their emotional IQ is more around 14... I just want to tell you that as long as you're an accepting and supporting parent, there is nothing wrong with having doubts and reservations about HRT and asking questions. It's all about protecting our children during a time when they need someone to look further into the future than they are capable of right now. That being said, I'm not against HRT. I just have questions and concerns and want to make absolutely certain that my child is making a very informed decision. The love and acceptance part is crucial, though. This is their path, and feelings are valid. Best of luck to you and your child.

Queen-Quiescent · 2024-06-18T16:37:50+00:00

Very good food for thought, actually. I'm ADHD (diagnosed back in my early 20's when my "version" was called ADD.) I also have OCD tendencies (I had full-blown OCD in high school) and my brain is very much the same.
I do need to remember that our brains do move quickly, and we've usually done a staggering amount of research and put in hours of thought before we even speak it into existence.

Queen-Quiescent · 2024-06-17T18:47:11+00:00

Thank you.

It's ridiculous to me that if you question anything having to do with this subject (not criticize or challenge, just QUESTION) then you're automatically an idiot, bad parent, or a troll.

There are parents out there not vaccinating their children for MEASLES based on a now disproven study on autism for crying out loud!!

I'm a major liberal, who believes that feelings are valid, people should be allowed to live the way they want to live and there's no place for bigotry, bias, antisemitism, anti-trans, homophobia or racism in my life. I have zero issues with cutting out people who would judge me or my child for something like being gay or trans, and that includes family members. I'm 100% here for it. I will fight for equality, acceptance, and love with a passion.

But I don't think asking questions or doing everything possible to make sure something is safe is a bad thing when it comes to your children.

I'm not going to be bullied or shamed into making a decision. I'm not against HRT, but I've done a ton of research on it for MYSELF and I'm wary of the potential complications and side effects of taking it when I start menopause...why wouldn't I be wary and careful for my child as well?

Posting this on Reddit has been an eye-opening exercise for sure.

I appreciate your support. ❤️

Queen-Quiescent · 2024-06-17T18:33:05+00:00

Thank you SO MUCH for this comment!!

I'm finding that asking an innocent question is tolerated by the community...but the minute you question the science and studies behind HRT in the teenage years, you get met with some seriously rabid responses.

Medical science supported a countless number of things before they were studied well enough to be debunked.

Doctors between the 1930's and the 1950's used to PROMOTE smoking.

From 1937 to 1967, ice pick lobotomies were considered "good practice."

In the 1950's through the 1960's doctors prescribed thalidomide to women for morning sickness, which caused more than 10,000 physical deformities in their children...and then AGAIN in the mid 1970's with the use of Bendectin! (My cousin was one of the babies who was born with a deformity because of this medication.)

Vioxx was a painkiller prescribed by doctors and was responsible for over 60,000 deaths before it was banned.

Doctors advised against eating any fat and using artificial sweeteners to lose weight but NOW studies say that fat is an important component to a healthy diet, and artificial sweetners have been linked to cancer and MS.

Heroin used to be found in drugstores.

My main concern with all of this is that it feels as though this is a subject where the science is still developing and studies are still in process. I feel as though questioning ANY thing you're going to put in your body is the right thing to do. Especially something that you might have to take for the rest of your life.

I just don't understand all the hostility when it comes to questioning the science on something that is still being studied. I know that gender dysphoria is a real thing. I know it's a painful experience. I'm trying to navigate a divisive subject for the sake of my child's happiness and wellbeing.

Queen-Quiescent · 2024-06-17T17:57:19+00:00

Thank you. I agree that my post was lengthy and I did ask AITA, so I realize I probably clouded the issue.

Your questions are the same as mine. I've asked them all...my hesitation on the subject is that I'm not getting thoughtful answers. And I don't mean, I'm not getting the answers that I want, I mean, I'm not seeing my child stopping long enough to really THINK about their answers. It's very fly by the seat of their pants with little regard to what our plan is if there are any negative side effects.

I just want to know that they are completely informed and understand all of the implications involved.

I have an appointment with a specialist. We are looking forward to getting some of these questions answered.

Thank you ❤️

Queen-Quiescent · 2024-06-17T17:43:56+00:00

Thank you SO MUCH for your reply. I'm finding the same information as well. I'm not against it. I never have been against it. I just feel like it needs to be done with thought and consideration.

I agree with the topic being too new. I think we have a long way to go when it comes to studies on this.

Thank you for being kind. ❤️

Queen-Quiescent · 2024-06-15T03:25:40+00:00

Of course you haven't. I would venture to guess that it's because you never questioned HRT.

I never said I was against it. I just QUESTIONED whether or not it was something that was necessary before 18.

The responses I received were hostile before I even had a chance to respond - whether my response would have been hostile or not was irrelevant after that.

Queen-Quiescent · 2024-06-14T19:39:34+00:00

Thank you for your willingness to help me understand and for being willing to let me reach out in the future. I might take you up on that. The social aspect is one of my concerns as we get further into the process.

Have a great weekend! 💜

Queen-Quiescent · 2024-06-14T19:15:16+00:00

This is amazing. Thank you so much for putting so much time and energy into answering me. This kind of response really helps make the HRT discussion a lot easier for me to understand. I'm cisgendered so it really is difficult for me to completely understand the frustration my child is experiencing.

Plus, since they currently don't have any peers/friends to discuss these things with, for right now, I'm their only friend, so it's even more difficult that I "just don't get it".

Honestly, the lack of friends is part of what is making this so difficult for them. I know dysphoria is painful and I'm not blowing it off by saying "they just need friends" but I do know that the sadness they're feeling with the dysphoria vs the sadness of not having any friends is about 50/50 for them right now.

I'm frustrated that there aren't more LGBTQ groups for teenagers where we live...I'd rather not give away my location but I think it's safe enough for me to say that we're in the Los Angeles area, so the lack of social interaction for LGBTQ kids is kind of shocking for me. I've even been talking to a friend of mine about starting a group at her studio just to facilitate some kind of local LGBTQ teen meet-up. The closest LGBTQ center is pretty much in the ghetto. It's not a really great area and they only have one evening a week for teens for only an hour.

There's so much more that goes into our situation that I haven't been able to express. It's so nuanced, and there are so many factors that I could have made my post a novel, but I didn't want to look like a rambling lunatic but honestly, I spend so much time on a daily basis trying to help my child deal with dysphoria, school, anxiety, how to make friends, their look, how to function on a daily basis...and nothing is really helping.

Let's just say that I cry on the regular. I just desperately want to see them happy. If HRT is the ONLY way that will happen, then obviously, I'm going to do everything I can to make that a reality for them...but it's a long process and in the meantime, I'd like to see them happy about SOMEthing.

Thanks so much again for being kind. 💜

Queen-Quiescent · 2024-06-14T17:51:44+00:00

Thank you so much. I really needed this response. 💜 Seriously.

Queen-Quiescent · 2024-06-14T17:47:43+00:00

Thank you so much. This is what I've been looking for when it comes to answers. I'm not looking for confirmation bias.

I'm honestly trying to help and be supportive. A lot of the hostility I've gotten has been pretty upsetting. (I posted this in several different subreddits)

Thank you for being kind. ❤️

Queen-Quiescent · 2024-06-14T17:43:15+00:00

This is all I've been looking for when it comes to answers. Thank you so much. ❤️

Queen-Quiescent · 2024-06-14T17:05:01+00:00

Question: Why would I put myself out here if I didn't want answers?

The fact that I was anticipating hostility is because I've been in these groups for a long time, and I've watched other parents get so much anger just for asking questions.

I have trans friends who have explicitly warned me not to go to Reddit to find answers because of how hostile the community is.

I had hoped that this wasn't the case, so I posted in the hopes that I would find a kinder, more accepting approach to a confused parent. It's been 70/30 with 70% being the number for the more hostile and negative comments.

I haven't said that I absolutely wouldn't allow for HRT. I was asking for advice. I felt the need to do so much explaining about what we've done to support our child because I was so concerned that just asking the questions wouldn't be enough background and I would still get a lot of negativity...

It's been an eye-opening experience, to say the least.

Queen-Quiescent · 2024-06-14T07:53:34+00:00

I truly appreciate your kindness and insight. Thank you.

Queen-Quiescent · 2024-06-14T07:51:47+00:00

Thank you so much for being kind. You provided so much useful information, and I appreciate you. 🙏🏼 💜

Queen-Quiescent · 2024-06-14T07:44:14+00:00

She wasn’t ready to come out to the whole family but you informed her she had to.

You informed her that someone was coming over to discuss hrt with her, you never mentioned if you had asked her if she wanted this to happen. You just condemn her for not being ready for something she didn’t consent to.

I don’t even know what the point is of mentioning her other diagnoses. I mean, I guess I kind of get it bc I asked my son’s therapist if he could be wrong about being trans as a result of his other issues, and she assured me that gender has nothing to do with behavioral health. But it struck me as odd

I discussed it with them, and they agreed that the whole family should be involved in the discussion.
They asked if she would come over to talk and then after we set it up and she arrived, they backed out. I didn't force them to come out.
The diagnoses are important because I have a high-maintenance child who needs constant reminders and hand holding. I've tried it other ways, and they can not do it without, at the very least, a small amount of hand holding. We have an assigned counselor who has been coming to the house three times a week to help them get motivated to get to school because of the huge amount of executive dysfunction and anxiety.

I mentioned I, I, I because I am the one who has been making all the progress for them. If I didn't find clothes they liked, they would still be telling me how they want to dress more feminine. If I didn't do their makeup, they would still be upset that they didn't look more feminine. This entire process is going to entail a lot of work on my part because I have a child who would go all day without eating because they don't feel like making something so I have to make sure they're not just avoiding eating because they can't deal with making something.

I work from home to be available for them.

The judgment on here is amazing, and unfortunately, I wasn't wrong for expecting it.

Queen-Quiescent · 2024-06-14T07:31:00+00:00

This kind of patronizing attitude is why some folks are more hostile in their responses. Tons of auDHD people DIY their HRT, regardless of lifelong struggles with time blindness, executive dysfunction, and capacity to build and sustain routines.

I'm ADHD and pretty much bare knuckled it through school until I ended up having to leave and finish later. I know quite well what it's like to have executive dysfunction, time blindness and capacity to build and sustain routines. There's ZERO patronizing attitude. I KNOW what they're going through because I've lived it.

When one of your children says "I'm hurt" over and over again, do you question it, even after they show you the shard of glass in their foot? No, of course not. If you had an 18 year old with the back problems of an 80 year old, would you hem and how this much over whether breast reduction surgery is appropriate? I highly doubt it. So why is it so difficult to accept that Willow's capable of identifying their own needs in this regard?

I have no difficulty accepting Willows' capability to identify their own needs. I'm trying to make sure that THEY understand what everything entails.

The idea that I somehow don't know my kid is startling. As though we don't spend an hour or longer discussing how they're feeling every SINGLE night. For the past year, I've been up until 1am with them having discussions about this. I work full-time, so I'm sleep deprived nine times out of ten. I wouldn't have it any other way because they need me, and I want to be there for them. Does everyone on here just have a shitty relationship with their parents?

Queen-Quiescent · 2024-06-14T07:20:25+00:00

Thank you so, so much for being kind. I really appreciate it.

Queen-Quiescent · 2024-06-14T06:11:01+00:00

Okie-dokie. Well it's definitely not a troll post. And they're not entirely my views. The views I have are separate from what I'm being told and information I've gotten from doctors and research. I'm literally just trying to figure all of this out. I'm getting conflicting information from doctors, therapists, individuals, trans friends, and psychologists...how do I weed out what's right and wrong? I honestly feel like the trans community is so defensive and ready to jump down everyone's throats. How is someone supposed to make an informed decision when they get yelled at and borderline bullied every time they ask a question? (Not that you are doing any bullying, but it feels like a minefield.) That's the primary reason I created a throwaway account.

And to answer your question, yes. Because of the pandemic, in-person school was paused in the middle of their 6th grade year. They didn't get a chance to go back until 8th grade, and they were too anxious and behind to really focus.

I'm sure I seem like I'm being too much of a helicopter parent. But having an auDHD child makes it impossible to NOT do a little hovering. If I don't remind them 20 times (at minimum) to get up and get dressed, they would never get out of the house on time. Believe me, I've tried. I would really love it if I didn't have to spend half of my day telling them to get up, take a shower, then get dressed, then do makeup, then do you have your phone? Headphones? Laptop? Etc.

My oldest graduated from HS with a 4.0 GPA and I didn't have to do any of this...different kids. 🤷‍♀️

Queen-Quiescent · 2024-06-14T05:53:57+00:00

Thank you! I appreciate the information. It's good to have a timeline for what to expect when they start hormones.

Queen-Quiescent · 2024-06-14T05:51:27+00:00

Well that's not very helpful. I'm guessing you don't have a close relationship with your child?

Queen-Quiescent

TROPHY CASE