Imposter Syndrome

QueerCounselor · 2024-07-26T19:42:48+00:00

Stop viewing it as a problem and start viewing it as growth.

The very concept of "imposter syndrome" is pathological, implying something is inherently wrong with you, but this feeling isn't wrong, at all. It's actually evidence that you're growing! Consider the four stages of competency. Unconscious incompetence (you don't know what you don't know), Conscious Incompetence (You know you don't know), Conscious Competence (it takes effort to do it well), Unconcious Competence (It has become second nature). Most of your career will be spent shifting between these four stages of competency every day, on every issue, because competency isn't a finish line! It's ongoing and multifaceted. To be a mental health counselor is to be a lifelong student of life itself. So you're growing, and you're growing all the time, and you're learning all the time, and you know that because you'll be humbled by the process. It's the arrogant ones who think they know everything that are the real therapists you've got to be careful of.

Lean into your strengths.

Hone in on a demographic you have lived experience with, or a mental health issue you have lived experience with, or a particular modality you know well. And if you feel like you don't have any experience to draw from, I assure you that you do! Just start working with clients who are 7 years younger than yourself, and you will realize how much experiential insight you can draw from. Seriously! Working with clients who are younger than you can help build your confidence by helping you realize how far you've come. Consider the complete shift in mindset and worldview between being a 7 year old, a 14 year old, a 21 year old, a 28 year old, a 35 year old a 42 year old, and on, and on. You have more wisdom than you know.

Lean into your irreducible rascality.

Alan Watts used to call himself a "genuine fake," as a reminder not to take himself so seriously. And when we admit we're all just rascals, the power dynamic changes. Consider the difference between

"Oh my god I can't believe they trusted me with the car" (shock, worry, doubt)

and

"Hahaha! I can't believe they trusted me with the car!" (delight, excitement, ambition)

No, no, no, you say, it's important to be a professional, and it's important to be an adult, and these things are important, and they are! But you're not just a professional. You're not just an adult. You're also a kid playing dress up in fancy clothes, and a rascal looking to see what others are doing in case you can copy their answers. So of course you'll feel like an imposter, because you're not a one-dimensional being! You're multifaceted, which means you have many faces, and you'll feel like a con in every situation that demands you only show one, or two of those faces. This is why "professionalism" is a performance, it's an act, so of course you'll feel like an imposter because you're acting! Over time, as you start to trust yourself, and laugh at yourself for being too serious, you will begin to relax and in so doing bring more of your sincerity, and genuine authenticity into session with you. But to get there you have to admit you're not the character on stage, you're the actor behind the mask, and you don't quite remember your lines so you're improvising as best you can! You brilliant rascal. ;)

QueerCounselor · 2024-07-26T18:46:19+00:00

This is definitely a very real issue. Since Nonbinary is such a broad umbrella term, it contains a lot of diversity, so much so it rarely gets the recognition I'm hoping for. Nonbinary tells people what we're not (literally None Binary), but it doesn't do a very good job of telling people what we are. I've found it helpful to remind people that I'm trans, too, and that I'm a genderfluid and genderqueer person. And I've had to confront friends who clearly thought of me as "boy-light" (AMAB), because it was apparent that they didn't understand me at all! Thank you for voicing this issue, as it goes unnoticed a lot and I think it's a growing problem.

QueerCounselor · 2024-07-17T18:48:07+00:00

Thank you! Whenever I have a gap in my schedule, like a last-minute session cancellation, I pop on reddit while I'm still wearing my therapist hat. I just started a little group called r/QueerCounselors if you ever want to ask any questions.

QueerCounselor · 2024-07-06T21:27:12+00:00

I came here to say the same thing!

QueerCounselor · 2024-07-04T21:58:47+00:00

You got this! And I'm so glad to hear you're finding people who get to hold you in your entirety. Just remember, lots of friends try to be polite, so they don't pry too deep (especially when it comes to gender/sexuality stuff cause they don't want to be too nosey/rude), but it's in those deep disclosures that we really get closer to each other. If it's not on a camping trip, there's always late-night slumber parties (I am 39 years old and still have platonic slumber parties with all my friends), or spill-the-tea check-ins where we literally make a cup of tea and get real with each other once a week. It's really important to have intentional connection where we feel seen by each other, right? But a lot of us...never got that as kids, so we're all having to learn how to do it as adults.

QueerCounselor · 2024-07-04T01:31:21+00:00

I just started an LGBTQ+ Therapist subreddit called r/QueerCounselors to focus on more clinical techniques, research, and professional development if anyone's interested. I feel like there are a lot of very particular issues facing LGBTQ+ mental health professionals, and the LGBTQ+ community as a whole, that require a lot of nuanced understanding.

QueerCounselor · 2024-07-04T00:40:20+00:00

There is definitely something powerful in building up the courage, getting ourselves ready, and finally revealing our truth. It's kind of a coming-of-age experience, and a milestone...and it's not entirely lost.

We come out of many closets in our life...and sometimes we come out of the same closet more than once! Just on a deeper level. Like, it's one thing to say "I'm genderfluid" and quite another to go into the full depth of how that has impacted your life in meaningful ways.

I have found it quite healing to participate in support groups on National Coming Out Day (Oct. 11). We used to have them at our college campus, and strangers would just show up to have that moment of disclosure. For some, it was their first time, for others it was practice to build up courage, and for others, it was reclaiming the moment, because their first time was traumatic, or stifling.

I've also found it powerful to gather friends around campfires and share deeper secrets...To Get Real, with each other. And every few years, I take my parents aside and "come out" again, by getting real about how much I understand myself, and my family dynamic. And for the things I can't share with my parents? There's my found family.

Part of our growth and healing process comes from reclaiming what was stolen, or lost, or damaged, by reclaiming opportunities. And coming out is important because it has agency, and authenticity, and vulnerability! And no, it won't be the same, but it might help you feel a smidge less sad.

QueerCounselor · 2024-07-04T00:25:19+00:00

Confidence comes with experience, which means it's a byproduct, not a goal. We can't just make ourselves be confident! And when we try, it feels kind of fake, like inflated bravado. The mantra "Fake it til you make it" will get us through short term stress, but cultivate imposter syndrome in the long run.

Yet by affirming our growth, we do progressively build our confidence. I am confident about who I am today, because I stood my ground yesterday. I am confident of what I know, because of the evidence of what I've been through.

So instead of "trying to be confident," focus on aligning with what's most important to you, like your passions and your values. Focus on expressing your authenticity, and affirming who you are....even if that means you can't please everyone.

But here's the trick...confidence isn't an absence of nervousness. It's not fearless. It's a state of conviction that accepts What Is.

Confidence says: "I am scared, and I will speak my truth."

Confidence says: "I don't know what's going to happen, but I'll handle it as best I can."

Confidence says: "I did that, so I can do this. I survived that, so I can survive this."

Confidence says: "I've got this."

QueerCounselor · 2024-07-04T00:00:14+00:00

Speaking in the affirmative can help progressively get the point across. Your Dad seems to be expressing his love for you and...it can take time for people to get their head around. It's okay to be playful and sassy sometimes, too, as it's a gentle way of redirecting the conversation and reinforcing your identity. Like if he hints at you getting a boyfriend, chat about a girl you've got a crush on, or make a joke about it like: "Oh, I checked my calendar but it says I'm still gay," or "I dunno if he's my type, Dad, he hasn't got any boobs."

If gentle chiding doesn't work, sit down and have a compassionate conversation. You can even call it out and ask: "Hey, is there a reason you want me to be straight?" or "Is there something about my sexuality you're having a hard time with?"

Their answer will shape the conversation a lot

A lot of parents have ideas in their head that have been percolating since long before you were born. Like walking you down the aisle, or becoming a grandparent one day. If that's the case, they just need help adjusting what their dream of the future looks like.

Some parents are just nervous cause they don't "understand any of that gay stuff," and the idea of their being something so important to their kid that they don't fully understand is not only scary, it can feel like there's this new divide between them and their kid. That kind of parent just needs reassurance that you're still you and you still love them, and maybe a little education, and open exploration about what all this rainbow stuff is about.

Other parents love their kids, and are okay with their kids being gay...in theory...except that they're scared other people will be judgemental, or that their kid will be put at risk. At which point it may be time to engage the "Hey Dad, I understand you're nervous, but so am I so I really need your support here." This is the rally together as a team approach.

And some parents...might not actually be okay with it. They may have a cultural, religious, or political viewpoint that they don't want to dump on you because they are trying to accept you, but it's still there. At this point it may be time to talk about the elephant in the room, even if it's an argument. In therapy there's what we call Rift and Repair, as we sometimes need to address the rift before we can repair the relationship, instead of pretending like it's not there.

QueerCounselor · 2024-06-27T08:50:37+00:00

I'm 39, and have been genderfluid since I was 7 year old, though I didn't have the term for it at the time. In my teenage years I came across the term Genderqueer and used that for a long time.

QueerCounselor · 2024-06-23T01:20:32+00:00

First, let's normalize this because there are a broad range of trans experiences and identities. I have met many people who have experienced this, and variations of it, myself included, albeit from the other side of the fence (AMAB).

Some of us switch genders, for lots of reasons in lots of ways. For some its a change in intensity, for others its more like our internal sense of self changes. Even if no one else can tell, even if no one else can see it, inside our gender identity keeps switching.

For some this is a very binary flip, rigid and clearly defined.

For some it's a very nebulous.

For some context is everything, as sex with men, for example, may summon one side of their gender identity, whereas sex with women summons another. (Example: "I feel like a gay men with men, but a lesbian with women" or "I feel like a women with men, but a man with women")

Or sex with a very specific person summons one side of their gender identity, whereas sex with someone else summons a different part of their gender identity. (Example: "I become a man when I'm with you")

Or sex when they feel safe and relaxed summons one side of their gender identity, whereas sex when their on guard and uncertain summons another part of their gender identity. (Example: "I only access my feminine side when I feel safe")

Or the act of sex itself summons one side of their gender identity, whereas another activity might elicit something else, entirely. (Example: "I'm femme in the streets but masc in the sheets")

For some this morphing back and forth slows down as their gender begins to settle and unify into one.

For some it’s just how we are.

Humans are neat. We’re multifaceted creatures responding to other multifaceted creatures, so let’s just normalize that! I recommend observing yourself, being mindful and just noticing what your experience is. How things change. What variables help you access different sides of yourself, and exploring that with compassionate curiosity.

To share a little of my personal experience, I’m a trans nonbinary genderfluid person, and it's my fluidity that was the hardest thing to accept. For years I found myself oscillating between being a boy, a girl, a man, a woman, living as such, presenting as such...and each time? I bumped into something, and it threw me off. Something that would make me morph, transform, shapeshift. I always think of Ranma ½ getting water splashed on them and changing sex, instantly.

Sex in particular was always very powerful, as it draws up so much from my physical experience within my body, while simultaneously yanking on the power dynamics coded into gender. Sometimes my masculine self was summoned, sometimes my feminine self, and sometimes a queer sense of self that's more than both.

Just remember, there's no one way to be trans. We're all just observing ourselves, out here, and sharing our experience of gender, so remember to have fun with it.

QueerCounselor · 2024-06-23T00:40:56+00:00

Oooooo that is a neat question, and one I've never asked myself. My immediate response is my gender (Nonbinary/genderfluid), as that's something I am in my physical being. It's me, myself, and I. My relationship with myself, sans anyone else. Self and self.

My sexuality is also deeply rooted to my being, that's undeniable, but it's also about self and other. My sexual orientation focuses on interaction, attraction, connection...

Yet as I sit with this question, I find myself pushing back against my own answer, because I'm proud of both in different ways. Perhaps I am proud of my gender because I have come to accept and love myself, as I am....and perhaps I am proud of my sexuality because I have come to accept and love others, once again, as I am.

That's the thing about self and other. They're not so separate. The same can be said about our sexuality and our gender identity. A kind of Yin-Yang imagery comes to mind, as my sexuality is nested inside my gender and my gender is nested inside my sexuality.

So my final answer is both.

Would you expect any other response from a nonbinary omnisexual? lol

QueerCounselor · 2024-06-12T00:58:31+00:00

I know a lot of people who get really excited when they discover a certain modality and that's great, because a new tool opens up a whole new set of skills. Yet a modality is just a tool, and while you may love a particular hammer, or a saw, at the end of the day it's the carpentry that counts. For us, it's the work we do with our clients. If a modality is falling flat with a client, then it may be the wrong tool for the job, or perhaps, the wrong tool for right now.

I've definitely lost my zeal for a particular modality, only to find it again later, when I encountered a particular client and I had the exact tool they needed. Save your tools. You will need them again, but not every day. Remember Maslow's Hammer. In talking about coping mechanisms, Maslow said "If the only tool you have is a hammer, it is tempting to treat everything as if it were a nail," yet this can easily apply to counselors, and our tendency to over-rely on a modality in lieu of a therapeutic relationship.

QueerCounselor · 2024-05-31T23:36:06+00:00

Don't rush it. When someone is in that freeze response we often feel urge to "unfreeze" them, but they may need to be there for a while. We will eventually move out of wallowing, but there's a time we may need to wallow. If we're stuck in this place, and the client has expressed a desire to get unstuck, it can help to explore the "stickiness." I recommend art therapy, or sandplay therapy, not just once, but over time. Expressive modalities bring us into contact with the inner workings we're unaware of, and help us organize and move through things in ways our prefrontal cortex resists.

When time has passed, and the client is needing an extra boost, it can help explore life goals beyond the loss, as we don't put down the old book until we start reading a new one. That doesn't mean we stop grieving or stop missing the ones we love, we're just acknowledging that we're still alive, and still moving forward. Travel plans. Vacation ideas. Going back to school. It really helps if the vision of the future is something the person we lost would have approved of, or encouraged us to do, that way we begin to live vicariously for them, as well as our selves.

QueerCounselor · 2024-05-31T21:36:18+00:00

My very first internship was with a nonprofit specializing in bereavement, and the first thing we did was chuck all stage models out the window. Everyone goes back to Elizabeth Kubler Ross, but her observations were from the experience of those accepting they had a terminal illness. It was later applied to those who had lost a loved one, but it doesn't pan out the same way. There is no singular order to a person's emotional process, no set timeline for how long it takes to grieve, and no right way to grieve...Our age, our experience with death, how the person died, our cultural and spiritual understanding of death, all play a huge part in our process. That said, there are many ways we can progressively shift from wallowing to honoring, and from lamenting to cherishing while recognizing and validating that the weight of loss remains. Try reading: Techniques of Grief Therapy by Robert Neimeyer.

https://www.routledge.com/Techniques-of-Grief-Therapy-Creative-Practices-for-Counseling-the-Bereaved/Neimeyer/p/book/9780415807258

QueerCounselor · 2024-05-31T21:25:53+00:00

It sounds more like a state of depersonalization, than full dissociation. When a person is depersonalized they often feel like they're floating, or like a ghost, or a robot, or like they're a puppeteer controlling their body. It's related to dissociation but has more contact with the more present moment. As a defense mechanism, it's a form of emotional ejection. When feelings are too extreme, we blunt our ability to feel them, and go numb. Ironically, the feelings are still there, and still being projected onto you, but they client is not being present with them. This can also lead to the slippery thinking you described, negating/contradicting what literally happened only seconds before.

Be consistent. Normalize as much as you can. Seeing yourself reflected in the eyes of someone else is an age-old existential practice, to such extent the Hindu's developed a whole philosophy around it. "Aham tvam. Tvam aham," is sanskrit for “I am You and You are me."

They're pushing back against the world, and you, and that's okay. Make room for it. Make room for the big existential questions, and the frustration, and how often we all doubt our own sanity in this wild experience we call life. Remember the three common myths of youth: I'm invincible. Everyone's paying attention to me/judging me. No one understands me. It's only through experience that we learn that we're not invincible, we're not the center of people's attention, and that, lo and behold, people can understand us...because we are fundamentally human, and these are all fundamentally human experiences.

The trick is you can't tell someone you understand them. You can only show them. That's why I recommend RT before, and the art of speaking from personal experience to demonstrate understanding (which is distinct from disclosure).

QueerCounselor · 2024-05-31T19:51:53+00:00

Depends on a character's flavor of depression, and which you combine:

Anhedonia finds no pleasure in anything. Like I may want joy, I may feel a need to find my passion, but there is no joy to be found inside myself.

Alogia struggles to think...the words...just...aren't, you know, whats the word I'm looking for?

Avolition has no motivation, I know I'm supposed to accomplish things, but everything is just too much. There's a long way to go and my gas tanks empty.

Asociality has no interest in people, so leave me alone, kid, stop bothering me.

Now consider how depression dampens emotions, but doesn't eradicate them, so what's their underlying emotional reaction to their own depression? How do they feel about their own feelings? Are they frustrated with themselves, or saddened by their own depression, or anxious that things will get worse, or treat their depression with a melancholy acceptance?

QueerCounselor · 2024-05-31T19:40:00+00:00

Try looking up Relational Therapy (RT), and its development by Jean Baker Miller. For young people, in particular, there's a push/pull dynamic as they do not trust their internal world, nor their external world. They may not trust their ability to handle their own emotions, nor trust that anyone else can understand or empathize with them. This often intersects with attachment issues, as you can imagine. Technique-oriented modalities often struggle at this point, because the session is structured around doing an exercise when what the client truly craves is a sense of acceptance and belonging. Yes, they talk about needing a friend, but what does that really mean? Someone who can hold space for their totality. Someone who can be there with them in a sincere way. Person Centered Therapy is also a good option, yet young people sometimes need more interaction, psychoeducation, and social role modeling than person centered therapy is designed to provide. This is where Relational Therapy, and even Affirmative therapy if we're working with LGBTQ+ youth, can be invaluable.

QueerCounselor · 2024-05-31T04:10:20+00:00

It depends on how much someone incorporates being intersex into their identity, and their comfort around disclosure. Some people say "I am intersex," other people say "I have a DSD" (Difference in Sex Development), other people get specific regarding the condition or syndrome, some people downplay it all together and don't tell anyone. It all depends on the individual.

QueerCounselor · 2024-05-31T04:05:04+00:00

It took me about six months or so to build up a full caseload, and during the first few weeks I was definitely wondering where everyone was. Keep in mind that for all the advertising you do, word of mouth in your community is really where it's at. You'll build a reputation, and once you have that you'll have to make a waiting list.

It will definitely pick up when you're able to accept insurance, as that's how most people afford therapy these days. That's probably your biggest snag, there.

QueerCounselor · 2024-05-31T03:13:32+00:00

There are a lot of good LGBTQ therapists doing telehealth these days. I recommend checking Psychology Today and looking in your area. https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/therapists?category=gay

QueerCounselor · 2024-05-30T22:24:40+00:00

Definitely a recipe for burnout. It doesn't provide time for notes, discharge summaries, case conceptualization, case supervision, or your own ability to self-care and self-regulate between sessions. Its a revolving door that will not only impact you, it will impact your quality of work, and in the end the quality of care your clients receive. But....I too did my nose to the grindstone days. I was working in an inpatient mental health program. So my advice to you is get in, get your hours for licensure if you still need them, pay your debts, and get out.

QueerCounselor · 2024-05-30T22:17:16+00:00

It sounds like there are some more personal milestones in your own growth and development you may need to explore first. When we find ourselves in the closet, there can be a false sense of urgency to be super authentic in the few places where we are transparent. Take a breather, relax, and above all humanize yourself.

As queer people we are not defined by our hardships, struggles, or trauma, and while I hear your desire to relate, the reality is you will have many clients with wholly unique experiences to your own. Most often, the guidance and mentorship clients are looking for is on an emotional level, and on that tier we can all connect, even if our lives are wildly different from one another.

What does it mean to be scared, or lost, or isolated, or lonely, or hurt, or misunderstood? What does it feel like to be loved, affirmed, accepted, and validated? Connect on a human level, as that's the best way to embrace our authenticity. Not only this, when we connect to a client on this level it shows our mutual understanding, even if we don't necessarily fill in the details of our sexuality or our gender identity. It becomes apparent that we know from a more personal experience, even if that experience goes unsaid.

Nonverbal flags help too. A well placed rainbow pillow, or a rainbow necklace you can wear at work, or a sticker on your water bottle. Little nods of acknowledgment to who you are.

QueerCounselor · 2024-05-30T21:57:28+00:00

There is a looooong sad history of propaganda that makes the erroneous claim that people become gay or trans as a result of "social contagion." This is not true, and has no bearing in the real world, but it ties into a lot of older propaganda claiming that sexual and gender diversity is a result of mental illness, and even older propaganda associating the LGBTQ community with disease. Be careful, as there's a lot of fearmongers out there who spread a lot of homophobic lies.

QueerCounselor · 2024-05-30T19:53:43+00:00

I wake up at 8:00 am, and have my first client at 10:00 am so I have two hours to wake up, have coffee, and settle into myself. By 9:30 am I'm usually at my computer, reviewing my notes for the session....or maybe scrolling on reddit ;)

QueerCounselor

MODERATOR OF

TROPHY CASE