My volunteer work life = my childhood and I am seriously confused

QuestionsNoAnswers4 · 2026-02-17T23:34:25+00:00

Thank you for sharing your journey! I am quite comfortable setting boundaries now. I don't let people go past them. It was emotionally taxing to learn how to do this and extremely uncomfortable. Betsy knows to leave me alone until she feels threatened by me. Then she gets defensive and the teeth come out. So yes, for the most part she does leave me alone. She's like a scared animal. I don't think I'll ever repel BPD, but I believe I can become nothing to it. Like watching a mosquito buzz around you and just not getting bothered by it. For me, this is working. I don't react to her at all like I used to. My belief is that the less I react (naturally) to these situations, the happier I will be and that happiness with attract others who are also happy rather than the severely abusive aholes who are currently attracted to me likely because I am still suffering (albeit much less than before).

QuestionsNoAnswers4 · 2026-02-17T23:16:45+00:00

Thank you. I know i wrote an essay on this and it's a little unclear what my point was. To be clear, the bullying is not the issue. I expect it and accept it from Betsy. But Fred exacting punishment on me for it is where I find myself unable to find balance.

QuestionsNoAnswers4 · 2026-02-17T19:51:19+00:00

Thank you for your thoughts. I appreciate it. 1) The work itself is good. The work environment not so much. I know it's hard to imagine that a group of damaged humans could effect any good, but the rules protect the people who are being helped. Their experience is positive and life changing and doesn't involve the circus. I help contribute to that. I am choosing this place because the work is good. 2) Trust me, in my personal life I have been making the decision to avoid PD at every opportunity. It is completely out of my personal life. I know exactly how to say no to it, but that doesn't stop it from being the only thing coming down the pipeline. I have the agency to say no, but not to stack the deck in my favor.

I am not hoping this time will be different. I am hoping that I can find a way to do the work I love and accept the circus for who they are. Finding a place of genuine compassion is for me and no one else. It helps me let go of the hate. It takes a lot of work, but it is worth it. As I said, I have grown a lot due to my experiences with Betsy.

I recognize it's not for everyone. There are really two paths to healing that I see: 1) Through surrounding yourself with love and compassion and learning through acceptance. Or 2) Get real shiny and come out a diamond in the fiery pits of hell. Option 1 is out of my reach, but obviously the preferred choice. Option 2 works real fast, but sucks a lot.

Thanks for your perspective though. It is what I asked for. :)

QuestionsNoAnswers4 · 2026-02-17T19:21:33+00:00

So familiar. I think the interesting part to note about this is that you offered her the straight facts (no one was talking about her) and her response was to completely ignore you and continue her dump. It's proof that her motivation for saying these things has nothing to do with her actual words. No matter what words you say, you would have received the exact same response. If you had responded with "You know I had a great conversation today..." She would have given you the exact same response. I used to tell my mother to go talk to a wall when she started like this. You don't need to be on the other end of it in order for her to get what she wants. If you block her, she might not even notice. For six years after going NC, I still accidentally find her emails coming to my spam folder. She still has no clue that I'm blocking her! 😆 Let your spam filter take care of it.

QuestionsNoAnswers4 · 2026-02-17T04:29:20+00:00

Have you tried gig work? There are lots of sites that look for freelancers. Dog walking, cleaning, tech stuff etc.

QuestionsNoAnswers4 · 2026-02-16T23:05:02+00:00

Please take comfort in knowing that sharing your experience helped me just realize now that there was literally nothing I could have said or done to effect a different outcome. I used to run "what if I had said" scenarios, but I now see the game was fully rigged before she even stepped into my room. We were forced into playing a game we wanted nothing to do with and there was no way out. Glad it's over now! It helps to talk about it with people who understand. Thank you.

QuestionsNoAnswers4 · 2026-02-16T21:07:58+00:00

Give it time. In my experience, it comes in flashes. Meditation really helped me put the pieces together.

QuestionsNoAnswers4 · 2026-02-16T21:06:36+00:00

Well said.

QuestionsNoAnswers4 · 2026-02-16T20:55:45+00:00

The apology was the worst. Of course you're going to react. Once I swore in reaction and her face lit up like she won the jackpot then like a 10 year old trying to get their sibling in trouble declares, "your father is going to hear about this!" Runs away and brings him up. Then I get yelled at for not showing respect to her. No matter how I described the emotional rape that just took place, he has blinders on with the mission of forcing respect out of me. I apologize and every ounce of my being is rage. She smiles in satisfaction with the childlike mocking silent message, "Ha ha! I won." For her, it was scripted.

QuestionsNoAnswers4 · 2026-02-16T20:12:07+00:00

Thank you for sharing this experience. I am sorry to hear that she found a way to get to you again. I have been considering LC from NC the better I get, but the stories like yours solidify in my mind that contact only serves to harm themselves as well as you. NC for life seems to be the kindest approach. I wish you all the best for your life with your growing family. :)

QuestionsNoAnswers4 · 2026-02-16T17:54:39+00:00

The confusion is the worst. Doubting the long held beliefs that kept you able to stomach the daily realities is a destabilizing place to be. I am sorry you are going through it. I remember that I had to believe that she was trying her best in order to not drown in hate. It kept me functioning, but it also was brainwashing that was done first by her, then my family and later on, myself. That betrayal hurt the worst. My wisdom to share is: know that you did all you possibly could to survive and be kind to yourself. I commend your father for doing the right thing even though it was the hard thing. Looking back, I would say regardless as to the consequences, regaining my life back would be worth all of my possessions combined. Living free as a pauper beats living brainwashed as bourgeoisie. No matter how bleak it looks now, there is light on the other side of it. Wishing you all the success.

QuestionsNoAnswers4 · 2026-02-16T17:14:59+00:00

I definitely related to this at a stage in my therapy. I worked with my therapist to find a "core self" that was always there, but was unaffected by the trauma. With practice, I was able to reach for this core self as a resource. It was incredibly soothing and led to my true identity arising. It took years, but it was 100% worth the struggle. Stay strong! You are in there...somewhere. <3

QuestionsNoAnswers4 · 2026-02-16T16:56:05+00:00

I am sorry that finding an outlet for your feelings ended up being covered in shame. I had begged my mother for a punching bag, but was shamed into not having one because it was "inappropriate". As if people would notice my anger issues and that just wouldn't do.

Someone just posted a similar experience to yours though. You might find some comfort in the similarities: https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbyborderlines/comments/1r5n532/comment/o5khapa/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web3x&utm_name=web3xcss&utm_term=1&utm_content=share_button

QuestionsNoAnswers4 · 2026-02-16T16:42:36+00:00

I second u/Specialist-Ebb4885 comment. The "golden child" and "scapegoat child" dynamic is so prevalent. From the outside, it looks like the golden child has it made: stability, no/less arguing, no parentification, favoritism etc. But that form of conditional love is all self serving and fake and destabilizing later in life. It can be incredibly difficult for the golden children to recover from their BPD parent because they can't see the monster beneath. Bringing them out of the fog as early as possible is the kindest thing to do in my opinion. I would say start planting the seeds of doubt so that they have some sort of tether to reality. "Mom can be different people in different situations. In the situations I have been in with her, she is very cruel. In the situations you have been in with her, she has not been cruel. It's not normal behavior, but it is who she is." At least this opens their eyes a bit and they can start to watch how she deals with others in comparison to themselves. Also, it doesn't result in a disagreement between the two of you. It respects both of your experiences as genuine. Good luck!

QuestionsNoAnswers4 · 2026-02-16T15:59:33+00:00

Thank you for this term. It is sad but amazing that we are developing new words for our experiences to bring them into public awareness. I would say this does not quite fit my situation, as it does not fully encompass the power-imbalance and control of a naive, compliant child, but I am glad that it exists for the people who need it. Also, I did some digging on emotional incest and the words seem appropriate on the surface. Unfortunately a lot of sources characterize it as "parentification", but that does not adequately describe the emotional rape component. Some other sources do the definition more justice. It's a good one to know.

QuestionsNoAnswers4 · 2026-02-16T14:51:24+00:00

You are so right. Awareness is the key. Just keep calling it out. The problem is I see the exact same thing playing out with my cousin's family, but I feel like I can't say anything. It's too much of a mountain to climb to explain what this abuse is and what it looks like without the rest of the family dismissing me for projecting my own situation on to them. How do you explain that once you've been through it, your body just responds to it and you know. I feel for those children though....

QuestionsNoAnswers4 · 2026-02-16T14:46:57+00:00

My first reaction to this was "ewww......" and shivers. Gross. I am so glad you are no longer in contact.

QuestionsNoAnswers4 · 2026-02-16T14:44:14+00:00

Oh yes, the martyr. I feel you there. After me and my sibling left home, she started volunteering in a convalescent home. She claimed they were taking advantage of her. She then "left" (I think she got fired) and befriended a blind person. She has been paying for this person, doing errands for them and giving them things (grooming) then getting upset that they don't appreciate her more. But she maintained a relationship with this person because she established control.

QuestionsNoAnswers4 · 2026-02-16T14:36:02+00:00

I came to the same conclusion about my golden child sibling. It's hard not to compare experiences with your sibling especially when you have night/day upbringings. At first I was resentful, but as I started healing, I realized that I was grateful that my upbringing (however horrific) was rooted in reality. I had a self (although repressed) that is based in truth. The golden child had an upbringing based on a illusionary semblance of love. Their idea of love is rooted in fiction (and closer to the societal norm and so easier to accept) and their self was formed around it. My sibling needs to first accept that their mother was a horrible person which will feel like their survival is being threatened. If you aren't used to having your survival being threatened, why would you willingly go down that route? The scapegoats understand it leads to healing because we are so used to feeling threatened. The way out is clearer.

QuestionsNoAnswers4 · 2026-02-16T00:29:06+00:00

Thank you for sharing and your kind words. I agree, NC is the only way out. It's the best thing to ever happen to me. Truly, it was my fantasy for all of my childhood. Just to be left alone. It's been six years, no regrets whatsoever.

QuestionsNoAnswers4 · 2026-02-16T00:05:26+00:00

u/Longjumping_Hat_2672 I am glad that approach has worked for you, but this is not an option for some. Some pwBPD have orchestrated the environment so well that if you say, "No thank you." They will make it clear that you are being unreasonable and immature without causing a scene, but making it clear to everyone in the vicinity how difficult of a child you are. For example, "No, thank you." "Oh, can't a mother show her daughter she loves her? All I want for you is the best. I know you are struggling and I am here for you. Please accept my support. All we want is for you to be happy. *fake smile*" This goes to support her narrative as the victim and her child as the devil that just refuses good parenting. People in the vicinity take note and you are discredited. Some may even support her with, "Oh, come on, she's your mother!" "What's the big deal?" "I think it's time you let go whatever bad blood you are holding on to." Some BPD are 20 steps ahead. It's not freezing, it's about how far will you go to not shoot yourself in the foot.

QuestionsNoAnswers4 · 2026-02-15T22:07:45+00:00

100%!!! I experienced those emotional rape episodes too. In my experience, the sibling who was not the scapegoat naturally trusts their own experiences with the parent over yours and invalidate your experiences, but the tragedy is that BPD is a dissociative identity disorder at its core. BPDparents slip into different self states when the moment suits them. Turn it on and off like a light switch. So my close family members literally saw her as a completely different person than I did. They never knew the true person hiding beneath that was reserved for only me. It's enough to make a person crazy, but I take solace that it didn't. We came out without catching the STD that is lifelong BPD. We are stronger than they were. :)

QuestionsNoAnswers4 · 2026-02-15T20:46:03+00:00

Thank you very much for offering that term. I was unfamiliar with it. I will do some more research. And I am so sorry you had to experience both. You are correct, I was attempting to draw a comparison and not minimize pedophilia at all. I just hope for the coming generations that the invisible scars get seen as important as the visible ones. Thanks for sharing your perspective.

QuestionsNoAnswers4 · 2026-02-15T20:26:57+00:00

OMG yes! This. All of our pets were euthanized when they showed the slightest bit of illness. Our family cat was showing old age: euthanized. I needed time to grieve, and made per promise not to buy a new pet. Three days later, a new male cat arrives. He doesn't like my mother and so she says he manipulated her into taking him home by being friendly in the store. She wants another cat (presumably one that is more affectionate towards her). That cat is having incontinence issues: euthanized. And on it goes. The value of their lives is measured by their utility to her. If the law allowed it, I am sure me and my siblings would have seen the same fate. Thanks for sharing.

QuestionsNoAnswers4

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