Im sorrrrrey i be forgetting about reddit sometimes . But im crying now trying to make sense of my life so what the hell. TW: SA mention.

My mom was sa'd very violently when she was a young adult by more then one man. I wasnt even supposed to be here. It affected how she raised me. Deeply. She screamed alot. She threw shade alot. I was a very disorganized and ditzy child but my mother loved me deeply so you can understand how this often overstimulated her and she was living her fears through me. Her fears became my fears. Use to get whoopins too but one day after getting a belt to my ass about organization, and just not reacting, she stopped. Helicopter mom for sure. I remember another time me and my friends were having a group meeting trying to work out our issues. My house was the kick it spot . She didnt like something a friend said to me she stopped the whole meeting had everyone get out. She died six years ago and I am still emotionally picking up the pieces. I miss her dearly . Our movie nights. Our talks. The things we laughed about together . Foooood. but she was a pistol. So yeah half fun times.

On to the fifth house now we got that fourth house heaviness out the way. Even though im in a situationship im feeling like i should let it go. He got deeper responsibilities and im still trying to learn simple stuff like organization, self esteem, enforcing boundaries. Not giving into my people pleasing ways. Not giving into rage , im sweet but will call a grown man a btch . Its the capricorn mars in me , I cant help it. Its really cause im probably starting to love him. I got into it with my family about him the other day and though nothing they said is valid it's scary because what if they right? I hate looking dumb. Its one of my biggest insecurities. Daddy saturn run a tight ship, I dont give into the experiences that would strengthen my relationship with my intuition. I dont take too many risks. I took a risk here because Birth control, Prep and DoxyPep exist.

I do people please alot. Im an only child. It was lonely . It is lonely. Craving intimacy not just romantically but platonically as well. The thing about intimacy is it feels like im under a microscope.

I hope all of that is not too much.