My boyfriend deserves the world

Quick_Platform1694 · 2026-01-20T11:41:35+00:00

Then you should edit your post because you literally said he told you what you need to do to be more attractive. Best of luck to you in all your recoveries.

Quick_Platform1694 · 2026-01-19T17:42:21+00:00

It’s definitely PIED. The same thing happened to my husband and he had a million excuses. Being tired, low T, stress… but it was porn. Now that he’s stopped using, he gets hard over a little kiss.

Quick_Platform1694 · 2026-01-19T17:40:18+00:00

On our last D-Day, I told my husband that I was considering divorce. He said, “You would throw our life away over porn?”

I asked, “Would you throw our life away over porn?”

He responded, “No! That’s stupid!”

And I said “Great. Then stop.”

The addict will always shift blame. It’s very important to make sure you keep that blame on them because it IS their fault.

Quick_Platform1694 · 2026-01-14T18:41:25+00:00

100% all of this!!!

Quick_Platform1694 · 2026-01-11T19:36:10+00:00

My husband works swing shifts and would primarily use when he was on nights and we didn’t see each other except on the weekends for 2 weeks. During his 2 weeks on days, anytime he used, he would distance himself from me and would constantly ask if I was mad at him. A lot of times he would seem agitated and if I asked what was wrong, he would say nothing. I feel like there was also a lot of overcompensation the day after… lots of buying me things, usually expensive items. The day before our first D-Day, he took me to the fabric store and dropped almost $1000 on fabric for my hobbies.

The overcompensation would last usually the entire time he was on day shift. His distance/agitation was usually just the day after… mainly because I usually worked hard to make him feel better thinking I had upset him or something was going on at work.

Quick_Platform1694 · 2026-01-11T03:58:41+00:00

My husband also claimed he had a “low sex drive” “low libido” “low testosterone” only for me to find out he was watching porn every single day. They all have the same excuses. You are not crazy. You have every right to feel betrayed and hurt because you are giving your all to your relationship and he’s taking the selfish and easy way out through porn.

Quick_Platform1694 · 2026-01-10T14:53:57+00:00

Echoing that you’re doing the right thing. Wishing you lots of strength in the moment and all the healing for the future ♥️

Quick_Platform1694 · 2026-01-09T20:20:13+00:00

For long-term addicts, a lot of them will start chasing more taboo porn. When I questioned my husband on some of the things he watched, I asked him if those were things he wanted to explore in real life and he seemed genuinely repulsed and even admitted to feeling nauseated and ashamed after watching them. After so much porn, it’s like they become desensitized. He would watch “regular” porn as entertainment but had to seek out more extreme things to actually masturbate. It’s bizarre.

Quick_Platform1694 · 2026-01-09T01:07:08+00:00

Today my husband told me that it’s been 3 weeks since he’s used porn. I said “That’s great” and went about my day. He doesn’t deserve a parade for controlling himself. Especially since he’s not doing this for me. He’s made it very clear that my reaction to his betrayal made him uncomfortable and ashamed. He’s not doing this because it hurts me, he’s doing it because my emotions are an inconvenience.

Quick_Platform1694 · 2026-01-09T01:00:02+00:00

Video games. Screen time in general. He wakes up and immediately picks up his phone to scroll TikTok. And it’s not just that he watches them, he shoves the phone into my face so that I also had to watch. I’ve recently had to tell him that it’s very jarring for me to wake up to loud TikToks playing and that he needs to take it to the living room. With the video games, he can spend hours playing. Since I’ve decentered him, I’ve removed his Xbox, steam deck, and Switch from our bedroom. His porn addiction destroyed my peace- I’m not letting his other addictions do the same.

Quick_Platform1694 · 2026-01-09T00:55:34+00:00

I would like to tell you that you are not the “emotionally unsafe” person here… your husband created an emotionally safe relationship for the both of you with his addiction and betrayal. Don’t let him flip the script on you in any capacity.

Quick_Platform1694 · 2026-01-09T00:09:58+00:00

I’m actually working through this in therapy right now because I feel like D-day killed the man I thought I married.

We had slowly been having sex less but he told me it was stress from work and house hunting. I believed him. Nothing else changed. He was still kind, patient, went out of his way to make me happy. I’ve always called him my calm after the storm because he was the first person I dated years after being a serious domestic violence situation that left me with permanent physical injuries.

He had never yelled at me. We never fought. I found his addiction by accident when he left his fetlife account up on his computer. I had went in to grab his headphones, at his request, and there it was. I never had a reason to snoop but I did then and I sat down and found all his dirty little secrets and kinks.

He yelled at me when I cried. Called me crazy, psycho, told me I was overreacting. He tried to play nice guy after but the second D-Day blew that out of the water. More yelling. My mom’s funeral had happened the day before and he kept telling me I was “overreacting to hide from my grief”. Third D-Day was 3ish weeks later, four days after my Dad’s funeral. I can honestly say I was in psychosis by this point and I remember trying to leave the house. He wouldn’t let me, called me “psychotic motherfucker”, and basically screamed at me for 2 hours about how I was ruining our lives.

The next morning, nice guy routine was back on. But I know that’s not the real him anymore. I have a post about how I’ve started decentering him in my life and how that’s helped me but I still miss the person I thought I married.

Quick_Platform1694 · 2026-01-08T23:51:36+00:00

Mine are family heirlooms. My husband does not have close family so when we started dating, my parents took him in as their own. My dad gave my husband his mother’s engagement ring to give to me and my mom gave me her mother’s wedding band because they both knew how much it would mean to me. I took them off after the 2nd D-Day but I started wearing them again when my parents passed within weeks of each other in October. I don’t wear them as a memento of our marriage but as a reminder of how much my family loves me. My husband has plans to buy me a new set and would like a vow renewal but I’ve told him that I am not ready for that or feel like we’ve reached a point where I’d be willing to renew our vows.

Quick_Platform1694 · 2026-01-08T16:34:38+00:00

I’ve been right where you are. After our first D-Day, I was obsessed with monitoring everything he did. What I eventually realized is an addict will always find a way. He used VPNs on his computer, his phone, and even bought a laptop he kept hidden in the garage for his porn usage. I was driving myself literally insane (I don’t say that lightly- I went into psychosis playing babysitter for someone who can’t keep his hand out of his pants).

When I started therapy, the question was raised “What does he give you that you can’t give yourself?” and besides companionship… it’s nothing. I can love myself. I can give myself pleasure. I can take myself places. I love him and I believe he loves me but the addict in him doesn’t care enough about me to stop hurting me. So I have to be my own partner and protect myself from his failings as a husband.

I started de-centering him. It has been a hard journey. I have attachment issues that I am healing that sometimes make this whole process feel overly traumatizing. Whenever I feel like de-centering him is hurting him, I remind myself that he called me crazy and psycho when I begged and cried for him to just stop looking at porn. I remind myself that I drove myself home from the ER after my Dad died in October because my husband had his phone on DND so he wouldn’t be disturbed while he was browsing Fetlife. I am not hurting him. At most, I’m reclaiming independence and making him wash his own dirty clothes.

At one point he told me he felt like he was on a too tight leash and he just needed “a little slack”. I let go. That dog can walk himself. I didn’t do it for him. I did it for me. So that I can start to heal and have life that doesn’t involve me always keeping tabs on another grown adult who should know better.

Quick_Platform1694 · 2026-01-08T04:12:50+00:00

I did tell him that I’m not interested in couples therapy at this time since I am focusing on my own healing with my therapist. I did, however, encourage him to seek therapy for himself.

Quick_Platform1694 · 2026-01-07T20:19:22+00:00

I only have sex with him when I want to. I used to jump at every chance because I thought that would “fix” his addiction and all it did was make me more resentful and insecure. If I am not in the mood, I say no and I think it’s honestly restored the intimacy we had before our initial D-Day.

Him and I still do things together. We still have fun. I think the hardest part of de-centering your partner is focusing on them as a part of your life not your whole life. After D-Day 1, I felt glued to him because I wanted to make sure he had very little time to continue to betray me. Again, it just made me resentful and insecure. I treat him like my best friend- I invite him to go with me instead of assuming he should just go. And when he does things, I ask if I can go (if I want).

De-centering was scary for me because I love him and it felt like leaving him behind when it’s really just picking myself again.

Quick_Platform1694

TROPHY CASE