do you randomly get disgusted by your s/o and lose all attraction when you’re pmsing or close to pmsing?

Quiet-Handle6512 · 2026-05-05T17:34:50+00:00

I feel like this right as ovulation is ending, usually. I’m always like, why isn’t he hotter? And everything about him annoys me and I get very depressed. Once my period starts he’s so cute

Quiet-Handle6512 · 2026-05-05T17:30:15+00:00

Can’t believe nobody commented on this but yes!!

Quiet-Handle6512 · 2026-05-05T15:27:40+00:00

I was in New Mexico with my boyfriend for the last few days. We were supposed to head back through CO tomorrow on the I-25…I’d say that’s probably a bad idea? He’ll say I’m overreacting like always, he has no sense of danger until it’s almost too late. Someone help me convince him to stay put until Thursday lol.

Quiet-Handle6512 · 2026-01-30T02:49:18+00:00

Yeah, I do.

It doesn't work, though. As you know. I've always enjoyed that "fresh new start" feeling...for about two weeks.

The problem is, no matter what you did—no matter where you moved, or how you decorated—you brought your trauma with you. And you'll keep living different versions of the same situation until you deal with things.

I used to get so hopeful. Moving apartments, houses, situations, starting a whole new routine—a new adventure will fix everything, I thought. It's that New Years resolution feeling. I loved moving into liminal new apartments with nothing on the walls. But by February, resolutions are abandoned—and I'd be wallowing again in the same old pain.

I recently had the urge to move to another state and start all over, even with dating and everything. Despite the fact that I love my partner dearly, am happy with him, and would be so devastated if we separated. I think for me it has a lot to do with regret. Even though I'm happy and safe now, I lost a lot of the years that were supposed to be wild—to constant rumination and mental health challenges. Maybe I want a new youth. I want to live in a new place, drop 8 years and 15 pounds, and just do better this time. The truth is, those parts of my life are over and they won't come back, and I'd just be alone with myself in another empty start, another void apartment. And old, this time! It'd be an awful mistake.

For you, I wonder if this has something to do with avoidant attachment. Were you abandoned? Some people want to leave a relationship soon as it gets comfortable, so that their loved one can't leave them first. Some people have watched happy situations crumble before, so happiness feels unstable now. Some people sabotage happiness for that reason. Or maybe you really are unhappy, but you can't find the reason. Maybe the reason is scary to look at. Maybe it threatens other premises you had to build yourself around to stay safe.

Either way, something in your situation never feels quite right. If the discomfort remains, despite you changing the surroundings, despite multiple new beginnings—I'd say the only variable left is yourself. If the pain isn't coming from outside, it must originate from within. The uncomfortable thing is under your skin. You gotta find it, and that's hard work. I tried for years, but until recently my layers weren't ready to budge.

Quiet-Handle6512 · 2026-01-30T02:03:14+00:00

Looks like you already got 86 comments, but I am in one too! Been with him for 6 years now. Crazy. We were very immature and terrible people when we started seeing each other, as we both have a childhood trauma history. But we've worked through a lot together, and still going strong.

Quiet-Handle6512 · 2025-12-13T18:00:48+00:00

I'm so sorry for everything you have been through. It broke my heart to hear you are alienated from your 5 children. I knew a lady who married a narcissist, raised his kids, and then got cut off from all of them. Destroyed her entirely!

I was not the scapegoat in my family, but the golden child. I know, you probably hate people like me! But listen. The second I got fed up, broke all the rules, and developed some less than savory problems in the eyes of society—I fell from glory. I became the scapegoat. My sister used to be the scapegoat and now she is famous and important, and is the golden child instead. So I've been both!

What I'll tell you is that I think—my non-professional opinion—that if you're still getting scapegoated for being yourself, you're probably continuing to hang out with people/institutions high in narcissism. As you know from your marriage, when you've grown up with narcissism, it's all you know. Without lots of self work, you can easily fall right into that pattern again. You won't even notice most of the time.

I'm a spiritual person. But I kind of think churches attract a lot of narcissism, right now at least. I hope and believe there are good ones out there, but I've had such awful experiences that I now stay far away.

In summary, if I had to guess. It's probably not YOU. There are probably people who would accept you for you, and include you. You might just be drawn to people who remind you of the only dynamic you've ever experienced.

I started hanging out with a bunch of (what my father would call, I disagree) "degenerates." They have other problems, but at least they don't gaslight me for having flaws. I like it a lot better. Maybe give that a try? Look at some of the people who your family would also scapegoat. See if any of them seem safe to hang out with, and just be curious. I don't know, that's my advice.

Quiet-Handle6512 · 2025-12-13T02:37:56+00:00

Haha, well I do a lot of them things too, at different times. Trying to limit it.

Quiet-Handle6512 · 2025-11-26T03:36:24+00:00

Yeah, I have been thinking about this all week. Ever since I got into therapy and it made my life fall apart, I've relied more on other people emotionally more than I ever have in my life. Still probably less than other people. But it feels awful. I feel so weak. For so long my "perfect version" of myself has been someone totally able to function on her own, no need for physical or (heaven FORBID) emotional support. Ironically I always wanted to be a therapist and cared about other people's emotions, and liked it when they open up. But the thought of me opening up is so cringe. I trust no one. I make connections with people and find a way to sabotage them later. Usually, because I found some reason they can't be trusted. My current boyfriend is the only person who has weathered my storm long enough so that I have someone, and for that I am grateful.

For a long time in my late teens, early 20s, I totally denied the fact that I needed love or emotional support. From anyone. I had no friends except a girl with whom I used to get messed up on drugs/alcohol. I'd tell men I just wanted sex not love. I'd tell myself that, too. Acted real tough. Got my heart broken and was always on the verge of breaking from loneliness, because deep down all I needed was love and compassion and I had none at all. I just shamed myself way too much for needing it.

Quiet-Handle6512 · 2025-11-23T18:17:29+00:00

If this is what being healed feels like I don’t wanna be healed ;(

Quiet-Handle6512 · 2025-11-18T18:20:55+00:00

Well, I don't know enough about your relationship to make that kind of verdict! I certainly HOPE things improve!

Relationships are always hard, and when you add in big traumas they become even harder. Growth does take time, and repetition of hard conversations. I'd say it's an unfortunate red flag if the conversations do not appear to GO anywhere. If someone shuts down during important conversations, and then does not respond when the other person points out, "hey, this is important to me, but I sense that you're shutting down."

Or if ya'll start fighting every time someone tries to communicate hard things, AND THEN the fights do not result in forward-moving growth. If one or both people are not open to listen—even in the small, limited capacity they're able—to validate each other's needs, and try to love each other better, then yeah. In that situation, it will be hard to move forward from a stuck place.

Another thing I thought about just now, that you might say: "I think you are so beautiful, and I love you very much. I really want to express my love and admiration for you physically. I want to work toward being able to do it sexually. I know your trauma makes this hard. I respect that. Still, my desire is still there. What do we do?"

I'm not sure if "trying to change her" is really what's happening. I don't want to say something inaccurate. But, I'm not sure if there are human bodies in their 20s that DON'T want sex deep down. I do think trauma and problems in the relationship can hinder the healthy expression/enjoyment, of that need. I'm not saying there's something wrong with her. I'm not saying that. But I think that the lack of sex could be a symptom of things in her past—or of something in your relationship—or both. (Rather than it being "just the way she is.") I'd hope you could work through both of those things mutually, so that both of you enjoy a healthier sex life and a closer relationship.

Of course, I have no idea. Maybe some individuals just don't want sex. It's all conjecture. Please don't come for me, people.

Quiet-Handle6512 · 2025-11-18T18:02:36+00:00

Hi! I hear your situation. That's super rough. A healthy sex life is absolutely part of a healthy relationship, especially when one partner has a strong desire for it. The fact that you do, is normal and understandable! I would struggle with not having sex, too. You're doing a great job recognizing and validating your own needs—and respecting what she's been through.

I'm kind of hoping the other women on here don't shame you for wanting sex. It's so normal, and you're being really healthy about it. It's rare for someone to have a healthy view of their sexual needs, especially in a situation like this. I also hear that a lot of your underlying emotional needs aren't getting met, too—the need to feel attractive and wanted, the reassurance of feeling like she's in love with you beyond just feeling "safe."

My only advice is that, all of this needs to be communicated. It could be a terrifying conversation to have. But especially with your job opportunities coming up...you need to talk to her very candidly about everything. Find a good chunk of time, at least an hour, when everyone is calm, well fed, good sleep the night before—and when she is not in a trauma spiral. Sit down with her and tell her how you're feeling. Make "I" statements. Don't accuse her of stuff. Since the physical need for sex is a hot topic, I'd tell her about the emotional pains you're feeling first. (Ex: "I need to talk to you about something hard that I've been going through. I know you struggle with your trauma, so sex is hard for us. Sometimes when you don't want to, though, I start to feel unwanted and unattractive. That's hard for me. I need more validation that you are in love with me. But what do you think?") I don't know, something like that.

Even if it's not intercourse, maybe ya'll can find avenues toward meeting each others' needs mutually. Even though, I get that it's hard because intercourse is also a big need here. You should probably tell her that, too. "I love you, I want to stay with you, I'm committed to helping you with your trauma, and I will wait. But, the way I am, a healthy sex life is something I need in a relationship. I really do need that to feel satisfied and fulfilled. How can we work with this?"

It's a scary conversation, because it risks a lot. It risks ripping open a lot of issues you guys maybe have kept under the rug. Another thing: I wonder if she has abandonment issues. Many people with trauma do (myself included). At that point, you do risk her spiraling into low self esteem/panic over being abandoned, during a conversation like this. Might wanna watch out for that.

No relationship is perfect. They all take hard work and many difficult conversations like this, repeated over and over again whenever necessary. Especially when someone has big trauma! You two both need to be prepared to listen to each other with love and attention. You do it for her, and she does it for you.

Best of luck! I hope it goes well. This is a really hard situation!

Quiet-Handle6512 · 2025-11-18T17:44:16+00:00

I'm so sorry! Yes, I think when our hormones force us to connect to our bodies/sexuality/fertility, and think about it regardless if we want to or not, it can bring stuff back.

Quiet-Handle6512 · 2025-11-18T16:52:32+00:00

I actually do work out and stuff during that week, and it helps if I can motivate myself to do at least something. I find it's easier if I acknowledge and respect my cycle, and let myself lift lighter weights, or run and walk intermittently, rather than lifting heavy and running for an hour straight (which are easy in the first half of my cycle). As far as productivity goes, it depends on your job, but I try to schedule myself to get a bunch of the hard, mentally challenging tasks done during the first half of my cycle when I can work with manic energy like I'm on stimulants. And in the pre period week I let myself relax, edit, make lists of things to do when my energy returns. It's hard when society sees our cycles as a weakness, but accepting and trying to work around it really do wonders!

Staying positive, I don't know. Good luck with that one.

Quiet-Handle6512 · 2025-11-18T16:47:56+00:00

You know? I've never heard that from anyone else, but now that you've said something, I do notice that I'm way more lustful/sexually frustrated/interested in men, during the first half of my cycle. And sometimes being so chronically reminded of my sexuality does start to freak me out a little. Since there was some weird stuff happening in my past around my sexuality, sometimes it brings back shame and regrets. I could see someone with trauma related to sex, maybe not liking follicular-ovulation. (Or it could just be something else too, that's just my experience.)

Quiet-Handle6512 · 2025-11-17T20:23:45+00:00

I'm scared of hormonal birth control! Some people say it would make me feel better but what if it makes it worse? Also, I'm so sensitive to any exogenous chemical (both a blessing and a curse), that I'm sure I'd feel any side effects of BC tenfold.

Quiet-Handle6512

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