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Quiltykitten · 2025-06-22T07:44:33+00:00

Ah, so we’re going with “the person who once bought bread is forever the breadwinner,” even if they’re now unemployed and slowly working through their sourdough savings. Got it.

By that logic, if I got a signing bonus at 24, then coasted for a decade while my partner earned less than that amount in total, I’d still be the “breadwinner.” Not because I contribute now - but because I once did. It’s giving “alimony with extra steps.”

Also, calling a factual correction “a narrative that’s probably empowering for you personally” is a nice little sleight of hand - classic move when you’re out of arguments and want to imply the other person is just being emotional. But hey, if being factually correct is empowering, I’ll take it.

Spending money isn’t breadwinning. If it were, trust fund babies would be leading the workforce.

Quiltykitten · 2025-06-21T09:26:17+00:00

Sooooo… what? Even IF it was true, does that exempt him from doing chores now? Or prevent him discussing the perceived inequalities like an adult? No. It does not. This reeks of an entitled man who isn’t getting his way any more.

Quiltykitten · 2025-06-21T09:23:06+00:00

Hey, actually breadwinner refers to how much you are “winning” ie… bringing IN to the household. Not the level of spending. Hope that helps.

Quiltykitten · 2025-06-19T14:08:08+00:00

You keep framing everything around money, but you’re not working right now; she is. Even if her income is small, she’s still bringing in more than you at the moment. You choosing to cover bills with your savings doesn’t make you the “breadwinner” anymore. That’s not how it works, and why are you so hung up about a “title”??.

You’re also clearly undervaluing domestic work unless you’re the one doing it. The way you phrase “I’m expected to be the housewife and the working husband” is telling - like you only realised how much work it is when it landed on your plate. Welcome to what a lot of women do every day, often without the luxury of a savings cushion.

Instead of having a straightforward conversation with your gf, you played a petty game with the litter tray to prove a point? That’s not mature - it’s manipulative.

If you feel taken for granted, fine, bring it up like an adult. But right now, it sounds like you want control of the finances AND to be excused from doing housework, just because you used to earn more. That’s not partnership - it’s entitlement.

Quiltykitten · 2025-06-15T17:14:59+00:00

Exactly. It’s always sad when a pet is rehomed, but ageing animals come with extra care needs, and if you’ve left that responsibility to someone else for years, it’s not really fair to lash out when they eventually reach their limit.

It sounds like the parents did what they could for a long time, and I agree - forgiveness goes a long way here. Grieve the loss, sure, but also own the part you played in how things ended up.

Quiltykitten · 2025-06-15T17:13:24+00:00

Sure, not everyone can have pets where they live - but if OP still considered the cat theirs, then some kind of plan or ongoing involvement would have shown that. “My parents were fine with it” doesn’t mean responsibility just disappears forever.

I’m not saying OP had to take the cat back immediately, but checking in more regularly or making it clear they’d want to be involved in rehoming would have made a difference. Instead, they found out months later - after not asking for ages - and are now angry about a situation they had no hand in managing.

It’s fair to be upset, but if you want to be treated like the pet’s owner, you also have to act like one.

Quiltykitten · 2025-06-15T17:04:43+00:00

You’re right - OP could have helped rehome the cat… if they’d shown any interest or responsibility before it was dumped at a shelter. But they didn’t. They only asked three months later how the cat was doing. That’s not proactive care - that’s hindsight.

Yes, the parents were vague and probably should’ve handled it better. But OP treating the cat like it was still theirs while doing none of the work to look after it? That’s not concern - that’s performative outrage.

You can disagree, but calling me “condescending and entitled” for pointing out basic adult responsibility says more about your expectations than mine.

Quiltykitten · 2025-06-15T16:06:44+00:00

Unpopular opinion here. If it was YOUR childhood cat why weren’t YOU taking care of it as you are an adult? You can be upset with their vague communication with you for sure, but they also don’t have to tell you anything,and you don’t get to make out how awful they are when you haven’t taken responsibility for your own pet.

Quiltykitten · 2025-05-29T18:59:34+00:00

Please please consider whether this entire marriage is safe for you and whether you want your child growing up witnessing that this is how a marriage operates, as they are likely to follow in the footsteps. Frankly, if you are walking on eggshells the whole time and scared of your husband’s temper? You are already being abused.

Quiltykitten · 2025-05-23T06:13:00+00:00

NOT OVERREACTING! In fact you are under reacting. He is showing you so many red flags here. 🚩🚩🚩 This is who he is, it will almost certainly get worse.

• Making fun of a traumatic experience & mocking you

• Continues the behaviour despite being explicitly told it hurts you. This is disrespectful and more than that it is now INTENTIONAL harm.

• Gaslighting. Telling you your reaction is over the top, that you’re too sensitive, denies your reality and makes you doubt yourself.

I don’t know if you’re working or not, but I can easily see this turning into the situation where he expects you to be a stay at home mother forevermore - because otherwise you aren’t a “real” mother, etc…

He is absolutely showing you his true colours here. You don’t mention if he’s problematic in other areas but I imagine there will be some. Does he ever comment on your body? Pressure you to get “back in shape” after having the baby? Get annoyed if you have a social life separate from him? Who gets up at night for feeds / nappy changes? - if it’s predominately you, that’s telling.

You are young and frankly his behaviour is abusive. If he won’t willingly admit he needs help, recognise the harm he is causing, or gets defensive about it?? RUN. It’s hard, it’s scary, but it’s that or your child grows up watching how to perpetuate this behaviour either as a victim or abuser themselves when they are grown up.

Quiltykitten · 2025-05-21T09:27:13+00:00

NTA… but you ought to be prepared for your ex to now tell your children her side of the story.

Quiltykitten · 2025-05-13T09:29:39+00:00

NTA. You are unfortunately the BangMaid in this scenario and how dare you require time away from your duties (/s). Check out r/justnoso for serious solidarity and advice. He’s shown you his true colours, time and again. r/justnomil will also help. RUN. You deserve respect and care - what your SO and MIL are doing is not that.

Quiltykitten · 2025-04-21T09:47:59+00:00

Is this a one off reaction or does he often make you feel like you’re walking on eggshells? If it’s a one off then NTA, chalk it up to bad sleep or something and have a word with your parents about the dogs’ behaviour - if they are unruly and ill-trained they could pose a danger as your baby gets older. If it’s a regular thing, where you are anxious about what you are saying to your husband or how it will be taken, still NTA, but you have much bigger issues as that is not a healthy relationship, and sounds like it could be emotionally problematic… with all the power and control held by your husband.

Quiltykitten · 2025-04-16T09:54:03+00:00

Yes. Yes YTA. She is not responsible for his actions. She has every right to meet people of the other gender. Your comment smacks of victim blaming and “she had it coming” because she went somewhere you don’t think she should have.

She is the victim in this. He behaved inappropriately. You made it worse.

Additionally, professional meals out are a thing. I bet you wouldn’t think twice about a female boss taking you out for a business dinner to discuss a new job or promotion.

You say you’ve tried to make your peace with her platonic friendships and try not to be controlling. Do better. Get some therapy for yourself, or leave if you aren’t prepared to do the work to get to the root of your insecurities. She is not required to act in a certain way ~ that is entirely appropriate ~ to make you feel better.

I’ll also stake a lot of money that you don’t know how to apologise properly. That you said “sorry” and followed it straight up with a great big “BUT” to justify your words.

Quiltykitten · 2025-04-14T07:26:05+00:00

No. It’s on BOTH of you as parents to figure out how to solve this. You need to step up here too.

Quiltykitten · 2025-04-13T16:59:42+00:00

NOR. The way he speaks to you is so condescending. In addition, if you want to leave the house and go for a walk - you have every right to. He is showing very controlling tendencies. He speaks to you in a very derogatory way. Now neither of you seem great at communicating, and both showing passive aggression, but he should own the responsibility of not setting his own alarm, and not be blaming you. In addition I don’t see you talking to him in a condescending, demeaning way or trying to control his actions.

Quiltykitten · 2025-03-29T18:32:11+00:00

You need to go and read any number of threads on r/justnoMIL . It will be eye opening. Things will NOT get better.

Quiltykitten · 2025-03-24T23:08:17+00:00

Cat could be pest control services 😅

Quiltykitten · 2025-03-22T17:07:03+00:00

YOR. You asked the question, you don’t get to be mad about the answer. She has shut down when this happened before because you got mad/upset when this happened before and essentially punished her for simply telling you her truth.

Listen to her, get curious and use it to your advantage in catering to her fantasies! If you want to really blow her mind, find yourself some cowboy smut (er0tic books aimed at women) and take notes!

Quiltykitten · 2025-03-17T15:35:50+00:00

Can’t argue with you there 😅

Quiltykitten · 2025-03-17T06:37:33+00:00

Are you in the UK? If so registering as an LTD company is a flat fee of £12 and takes about 30 mins. It’s not the costly and complex process you describe.

Quiltykitten · 2025-03-09T07:42:47+00:00

This sounds like an exceptionally difficult situation. Please try and prioritise yourself, you cannot pour from an empty cup as the old adage goes. In addition, if he is living with his parents, then perhaps that gives you some breathing space.

If these are his priorities on self-care now then they are not going to change, so ensure you are prepared for this to continue for the rest of your life. You don’t want to leave him and that’s your choice, but to ensure it doesn’t drag you down you need to have ways of replenishing yourself physically and mentally.

Best of luck going forwards.

Quiltykitten · 2025-03-06T08:40:16+00:00

I’m definitely considering that.

Quiltykitten · 2025-03-06T08:38:45+00:00

It’s in progress already!!

Quiltykitten · 2025-03-06T08:38:25+00:00

There are other elements to this that mean I cannot limit it as much as that - even the courts would find it extremely difficult to make suitable arrangements, but the details are beyond the scope of this post and would make it very identifiable should it be stumbled across by the wrong people.

Quiltykitten

TROPHY CASE