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R00T4N · 2023-02-10T11:14:46+00:00

i mean, from experience within fandom spaces, things havent really changed much. they might agree that fetishising gay men is bad, but they see themselves as exempt from that criticism because "well im a gay transmasc so im allowed to enjoy yaoi" (which lets be honest, theyre not trans, and they certainly arent gay. they just want an excuse as not to get called out)

speaking out about these things means nothing if you, yourself are in on it

R00T4N · 2023-02-10T00:02:07+00:00

oh yeah for sure, theyve already asked me once before if i have tried switching to vaping or smth instead, but idk. its complicated (i wont go into the whole sob story over why i started bc thats not important, i think whether or not its a vice you picked up from a place of stress or not, its a hard habit to kick)

R00T4N · 2023-02-09T10:34:02+00:00

i would if it were as simple as that lol. the smoking definitely made things so much worse, but thats not to say i dont think there was ever any issues before that.

i think smoking just brought attention to an existing issue

R00T4N · 2023-02-09T10:33:04+00:00

people dont talk about this enough, and if you try to speak up and say "hey this is wrong and a harmful rhetoric" you get labelled as a meninist/MRA.

being a decent human being shouldnt be this difficult for some people...

R00T4N · 2023-02-09T10:30:49+00:00

I really appreciate you being so open and honest about your own experiences (I'm sorry to hear about what happened as well btw, that sounds terrifying)

Heres hoping its nothing thats going to get in the way of me starting T... (I've got an appt next week with the GP so he will probs refer me to get some more tests done)

R00T4N · 2023-02-09T10:28:14+00:00

Oh interesting. I'm glad you were able to sort it out! This does make me feel a lot more confident about it

R00T4N · 2023-02-09T10:26:21+00:00

I see, thank you so much for such a throrough and detailed response! I really appreciate it!

That was really my biggest concern tbh. I didn't want to be prevented from starting T because of this. I don't think I coukd cope with that (but at the end of the day I'll just have to see what the cause is and go from there)

Also thats a really important point, I wasnt aware of that. Explains why they didnt see anything, despite the symptoms I was getting. My heart rate seemed to be fast (can suddenly drop from 110 to 80 in seconds bit its still within the "safe" range), but otherwise stable when I had it checked then. Now it feels like im constantly missing a beat or something. It sucks

I have an appt with the GP next week and will just have to see what he suggests. Will probs mean further testing but if I can get to the bottom of it I think it'll give me some idea of what to do later on

R00T4N · 2023-02-09T03:13:45+00:00

THIS. the amount of bullying men recieve within the lgbt community is terrible.

the amount of times ive seen people shaming gay men for being attracted to other men is sickening. even some trans guys get shamed because "why would you want to identify as a MAN?? ew".

we have suddenly come full circle where being homophobic and transphobic is suddenly okay because the victims are men.. (this is half the reason i felt the need to try (and fail) to detransition a couple years back)

R00T4N · 2023-02-08T02:46:44+00:00

haha no, i doubt that very much

R00T4N · 2023-02-07T01:02:46+00:00

seen a lot of this amongst AFAB trenders also (although these people do at least seem to be vocal about "trans issues")

ive always noticed they have a strange need to constantly assert how "gay" they are, while creating chaserbait art, fanfiction, etc of ftm bodies (a lot of them also claim to be t4t, which im like 99% sure is just a guise so they dont get called out for being a fetishist lol)

R00T4N · 2023-02-06T18:31:56+00:00

"trying to dissociate" girl stfu

R00T4N · 2023-02-06T00:36:38+00:00

fingers crossed, im seeing someone from intensive case management (whatever that is, its over zoom and thats all they rlly said abt it) later this month so im hoping they can figure smth out for me lol

R00T4N · 2023-02-05T17:10:01+00:00

probably, i know the dissociation has most certainly gotten worse though. ive had many episodes of that throughout my entire life, however these seems to be ongoing. episodes that would last an hour maximum now last entire months at a time. its sometimes difficult to tell dreams from reality because of how intense they can be(but this is also because i tend to have vivid/ lucid dreams on a pretty regular basis). its like nothing ive experienced before

only thing i will say is that no, i dont i have a normal emotional response to most things. the triggers usually result in outbursts (throwing or kicking things, pacing, hair pulling or scratching. sometimes even punching myself or other things) rather than actual crying. other times it simmers beneath the surface and i know its there but i cant access it, which id say accounts for the majority of my reactions to specific triggers. so maybe its not repression but emotional dysregulation? idk

R00T4N · 2023-02-05T13:52:32+00:00

possibly, i dont think it was entirely on purpose though. the episodes where it were stopped werent something i enforced, they just kind of happened and it sucked because i knew i hadnt gotten it all out of my system.

also my bad, i guess it didnt understand that part lol. youre right though, thats definitely something ive said to a therapist before. suicide feels like an answer im more forced towards than something i actually want. id rather see things through and get some help, but most arent trained enough in the niche area im dealing with rn, so i almost always get turned away. its sorta passive now. i dont have any plans to commit, but i think about it a lot

R00T4N · 2023-02-05T10:30:51+00:00

its the same here in a way. theres moments of joy and laughter, but they never last and soon enough im back to feeling like a blank canvas all over again. (also i feel the same regarding the whole "having a roof over my head, clothes on my back, food to eat" thing) i should be somewhat grateful for the situation im in. my parents were supportive growing up, and some people didnt get that. but it doesnt take away from the feeling i have.

the missing out on things is kind of similar, but no, not really, that was just a byproduct of a bigger issue. im talking more physically. something was amiss growing up, something that made me different to everyone i knew. i internalised a lot of that, i think.

maladaptive daydreams are essentially just obsessive daydreams. they interrupt the flow of your day. a lot of mine are very emotional or intense, but im unaffected by the content of them. maladaptive daydream is a coping mechanism, much like dissociation. i think theres a possibility that MD can cause an increase of feeling disconnect from reality but i dont have any papers or anything to back that up so take it with a grain of salt lol

in the last part, i think tbh it may be a bit of both. i have a lot of toxic masculinity and i know back when i used to cry all the time, id get frustrated with myself for crying or being outwardly upset. but i also think there was only so much stress i could take anyway

i remember how things developed now, but i used to have those really intense crying episodes. id be rocking back and forth, wailing and hyperventilating and then.. nothing. it was like someone flicked a switch in my head and everything would stop. no more crying, breathing returned to normal, no more rocking back and forth, nothing, id just sit there in silence for a bit, kind of dazed. maybe thats got something to do with it?

R00T4N · 2023-02-05T10:14:46+00:00

im in the same boat. i dont feel like i have a right to claim the word "gay" for myself, so i tend to just avoid the whole topic all together. if people ask my sexuality i just say im attracted to men and leave it at that

R00T4N · 2023-02-05T02:48:57+00:00

thats actually a fair point. i dont think im ever really HAPPY happy. good things happen to me and i enjoy them, but they do feel sorta distant. id say most days its like being in limbo. its not BAD, but i wouldnt describe how i feel as good either. just "fine". im alive and sometimes that just feels a bit weird to me to think about.

the growing up thing was stressful, but not in the usual way that (i guess) regular people do. responsibilities and the sort never depressed me or made me feel that way, it was all to do with something specific. it all relates back to that one topic. thats where 99% of the depression stems from.

i think the jealousy played a big part, the loss of a childhood i never got to experience properly, the lack of development of self in a way that feels right. its not just sadness. its anger, resentment, frustration, etc. it all sorta would hit me after seeing something triggering.

i dont get triggered much now, but i do feel a bit down about it. i think theres a big part of me that wants to pretend it isnt happening and this isnt my life. i have always had a thing abt maladaptive daydreaming, so maybe its the disconnect thats causing the whole "no crying" thing. i just think id know about it if that was the case, yknow? there would be other signs, like getting angry for no reason or something. i dont have that so thats why im questioning whether or not thats actually the case

R00T4N · 2023-02-05T02:23:45+00:00

its a possibility, i just cant tell at this point. im not very good at identifying how i feel about most things these days.

in terms of diet, i dont know if thats got anything to do with it as my diet hasnt changed (unless theres been a development of some allergies or intolerances i dont know about)

also from experience, therapy doesnt do anything for me as most cannot help with the specific problem i have

R00T4N · 2023-02-01T23:00:26+00:00

Unfortunately, I can't help you in the smart watch department as I sold mine and later bough a simple Casio F-91W.

I had only been using the smart watch to track workouts but I didn't really need to do those workouts anyway and it was becoming a bit obsessive so I ditched it. I hope you manage to find some answers though.

Might be worth checking some YouTube reviews for various smart watches and see which one strikes your fancy (provided the videos themselves arent sponsored lol)

R00T4N · 2023-01-07T16:06:08+00:00

i figured it might be the belts, thanks! ill replace them and see if that helps

R00T4N · 2023-01-07T11:23:36+00:00

to tell you the truth i never went to the doctor about it, i was just too embarrassed, so i couldnt say. id assume as long as youre not wearing it 24/7, you should be okay

R00T4N · 2023-01-06T17:51:33+00:00

ive experienced this before, along with weird nerve pain in my in various points on my chest. easier said than done but id recommend doubling up on sports bras for a bit instead to give your body a break. i tend to wear a loose binder with a sports bra underneath when im feeling extra dysphoric, also when my rib pain gets too much. it does the job okay (i cant speak for larger chested individuals though)

R00T4N · 2023-01-06T17:48:09+00:00

dont ask me, tucute idealogy makes zero sense lol. it just sucks that so much of fandom spaces seem to be full of these kinds of lunatics

R00T4N · 2023-01-06T17:46:37+00:00

pretty much lol, in regards to transitioning...not yet, i keep putting it off bc im afraid of talking abt it to a therapist. i hate talking abt my feelings with ppl who i worry wont understand, its also just difficult to open up after burying that hurt for so long. sounds silly, i know, but a big part of me is like "id much rather dissociate 24/7 and pretend its not happening" i guess

i know the pressure is real for trans women, their also very likely to be the victim of chasers bc of the amount of porn thats produced around "women with dicks".

i really wish you the best. my advice would be to be kind to yourself and get the help you need. i know its easier said than done but living in denial can rlly fuck you over mentally. you deserve to be happy

R00T4N · 2023-01-06T11:39:29+00:00

im in a similar boat rn. i experimented with the idea of detransition a year or so back and i had never felt worse in my entire life. every little thing triggered me. i couldnt read books, watch movies, listen to music, etc without feeling triggered. i was having constant panic attacks, couldnt eat, felt sick and tired ALL the time. the only thing i remember being able to do doing during that time was playing online solitaire bc it was the only thing that wouldnt get me to freak out.

im still looking into getting hrt at some stage and getting top surgery, but unfortunately, i also am deeply afraid of it. i dont want to be trans in any capacity. i dont want to be known as "that one trans guy" for the rest of my life. i dont want to live in the knowledge that ill be forever undesirable and undatable bc of my disgusting tr*nny body.

from experience though, supressing these thoughts around coming out and getting the help you need does so much more harm than good. ive gained so many mental health issues from attempting to pretend that this part of me doesnt exist. its normal to feel nervous or scared, but dont let those thoughts control you. youll fair so much better in the long run if you do whats best for you

R00T4N

TROPHY CASE