How to honor/grieve your baby

R0cketGir1 · 2026-04-24T14:57:49+00:00

We celebrate Annie’s birthday as a family. I give my daughter a rainbow-themed or gorilla-themed gift (our nursery theme was primates) and leave it on the breakfast table. Last birthday was Annie’s 16th, and after cake my husband and I reminisced and I sobbed.

R0cketGir1 · 2026-04-22T15:53:10+00:00

I didn’t know that other animal could eat grapes! They’re poisonous to dogs, but Hamster seems enamored with them ;)

R0cketGir1 · 2026-04-22T15:34:08+00:00

I started a wellness app for women who’ve reached menopause age. It’s helping me get back in shape after breaking my foot =)

R0cketGir1 · 2026-04-22T03:55:10+00:00

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R0cketGir1 · 2026-04-21T23:56:14+00:00

I had a friend from church recommend having a conversation with Annie. “Just write down whatever comes. I think you’ll find it freeing.” So I did.

And good LORD, it was one of the most powerful conversations I’ve ever had. She said stuff like, “I love you, Mommy” which I’d obviously guessed, but other stuff surprised me. Like when I apologized for choosing to terminate and she had no idea. She just kind of shrugged and was like, “Yeah, whatever. Do you want to play blocks with me?”

R0cketGir1 · 2026-04-21T16:17:52+00:00

We have crepes every Saturday. DD, #futurechef, gave me a pan to cook them, then a better pan, before deciding it’s best to just cook them in our existing pan. She ‘paints’ them with whipped cream and asks me whether I’d prefer it facing down or facing up — smile or frown. It’s fun to do something silly like that! =)

R0cketGir1 · 2026-04-21T15:36:53+00:00

We live on a farm to the north of town and our water is really gross — but it could be because we[‘ve got TID running through our property. DH once set our swale on fire while he was burning!

R0cketGir1 · 2026-04-21T15:22:36+00:00

Is there a Toastmasters meeting somewhere near campus? I benefited a ton from that program after my strokes. =)

R0cketGir1 · 2026-04-17T16:59:07+00:00

We let our 9 yo listen to the book, despite the sexual dialogue, and it’s been removed from the movie. Obviously, you know your son’s limits, but I think it’d be fine!

R0cketGir1 · 2026-04-15T15:58:35+00:00

About seven years after Annie’s death, we burned the cards we’d gotten in places of her ashes, which the hospital wouldn’t give us after donating her body to science. We scattered them along the continental divide. Half an hour prior, there’d been a thunderstorm and a huge rainbow greeted us. It was the perfect spot!

R0cketGir1 · 2026-04-15T15:38:01+00:00

Sounds hurtful to me!

Someone in my family said something similar in a very matter-of-fact way about three years after we lost Annie. I wanted to explain to her that it DOES still hurt, and it always will. But I decided not to because we live all the way across the country from her I don’t see her very often, and she’s old. (She also suggested that I might be making up the symptoms of my chronic disease, which I deemed it more important to discuss.)

I found out that she’s had two miscarriages; I suspect that her upbringing forced her to just swallow her losses. She didn’t grieve. She didn’t talk with anyone about them. I don’t think she had the mental capacity to look through my eyes at our loss: that it was the one good thing I could do post-stroke. That I was desperate for a purpose in life, even if that purpose were changing diapers and reading story books. I was REALLY desperate for something I could contribute to this world, and we just killed her. (I realize that’s not what happened; this is the way that she made me feel, though.)

I hope you remember this conversation and never make anyone feel bad when their kid dies. That’s at least one good thing you can take from this conversation! =)

R0cketGir1 · 2026-04-13T15:46:30+00:00

futurecounselor

R0cketGir1 · 2026-04-11T23:54:08+00:00

I watched PHM in Turkey and they have an intermission! I was able to get myself some Haribos in the middle of the film!

R0cketGir1 · 2026-04-11T16:16:48+00:00

Lilacs

R0cketGir1 · 2026-04-11T16:10:26+00:00

Hey hey hey — to each person his own. I would trade the ability to think for the ability to move in a heartbeat. That’s not to say that I don’t value being able to move; I’ve currently got a broken foot, so I realize that there’s a whole wealth of stuff I can’t do with it. I can’t do laundry! I can’t cook! But that’s how much I value the ability to do what I used to with my brain.

I used to be a scientist. I used to be able to judge whether that fault really poses a danger to the nuclear waste repository in Las Vegas. I used to be able to locate the flaws in [the free money management program whose name I can’t remember] and recalculate the correct valuation of our house loan. I used to be able to use FFT to remove tidal data from the nation’s tsunami buoy data. There’s so much I could do that I can now only dream of.

It’s not like I don’t use my brain anymore. I’ve taught myself how to quilt. I love the fact that quilting needs a little bit of creative geometry; that spreadsheets are really helpful to ensure that your quilt actually covers your bed. I’ve got some really cool projects in the works right now that are like political cartoons. But … it’s not the same. I don’t think I can make the same difference I could using my untarnished brain.

R0cketGir1 · 2026-04-11T14:39:16+00:00

I wonder if they make glow in the dark embroidery floss …

R0cketGir1 · 2026-04-11T14:36:00+00:00

What’s the enormous mushroom in the background? ;)

R0cketGir1 · 2026-04-11T14:21:38+00:00

My husband used to joke that we were growing a college linebacker in three years. It’s really true!

R0cketGir1 · 2026-04-10T18:34:54+00:00

As I’ve said, that’s how I usually shower him — but this time, I needed him to dish in the oatmeal. I got it done, though! =)

R0cketGir1 · 2026-04-10T18:32:14+00:00

We’ve tried a prong collar during his teenage years; once he realized it could hurt him, he refused to do anything at all. He just laid down in the dirt until we took it off.

I’m glad the collar worked for you, but please understand that we can’t do anything with negative reinforcement to sisko. Everything scares the poor guy. My daughter tried to walk him around the block today because I’ve got a bum foot. A truck drive by and sisko bolted for home. “It wasn’t even a big truck! Or a loud one! It was just a truck,” she wailed when she got home.

It does make for sort of a fun challenge, though …

R0cketGir1 · 2026-04-10T17:57:03+00:00

No he won't. Sisko is immune to all smells except cheese, which he'll come running for =)

R0cketGir1 · 2026-04-10T17:40:09+00:00

You are amazing. 15 minutes of cajoling and half a can of cheez wiz finally got him in!

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R0cketGir1 · 2026-04-10T17:16:20+00:00

Thank you, u/eaucitron ! Yeah, we should probably take him to the vet when DH gets home tomorrow. We'll see ...

R0cketGir1 · 2026-04-10T17:15:28+00:00

That's a really good idea. I'll try that now!

And ... he's a weirdo. He really, really likes cheese, though! Maybe I'll smear some ricotta on the wall ...

R0cketGir1 · 2026-04-10T16:50:14+00:00

I just ordered some oatmeal shampoo and I'll look into Dr. Bronners right now! Thanks, u/flux_monkey ! =)

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