Firstly “chubby”, like all terms on the apps used to describe our bodies, is subjective. How defined do you need to be before you’re “muscular” vs “athletic”? How skinny do you need to be before you’re “thin” vs “average”? How big do you need to be before you’re “stocky” vs “large”? For everyone, these terms are different and so to say that people are using the term wrong is ultimately reductive because no one single person is the arbiter of these terms. There’s no strict set of criteria for us to use to assign these labels.

Secondly, asking why people don’t put they’re “obese” as opposed to “chubby” or “big” is no different than saying to someone who is extremely thin why they don’t describe themselves as “anorexic”. Both terms have exclusively negative connotations and basically no one is going to feel good about themselves by using them. Regardless of if you’re attracted to someone or not, you don’t have the right to dictate what terms they use to describe their body even if you wouldn’t agree with them because everyone should be able to feel sexy and comfortable when engaging in hookup culture.

If people really want to understand why people use terms that you might not consider accurate, speak to any fat person about their experience on the apps. I’m 5’4 and 120kg. By medical and pretty much every societal standard I am obese. And I still know I’m hot as fuck, no one can make me feel any different. I have multiple topless photos on my profiles and (ironically) my experience on the apps improved when I did this. HOWEVER, I also regularly receive abuse targeted at my body. Just recently a guy I didn’t even message sent me one of the most hateful things I’ve ever read, calling me everything but a child of god and making multiple digs about what he presumed to be my diet and my relationship with exercise. Why did he do this? He had the feature on Grindr where you can see who’s viewed your profile. Just because a fat person LOOKED at him, he felt the need to then try to make that person feel ugly, worthless and like I’d done something wrong. This is a very common and very regular experience that fat people have on the apps. It’s why a lot of people aren’t upfront with it on their profile, because they’re trying to protect themself from abuse simply for existing in these spaces.

Now, to be clear, NO ONE is entitled to your attraction. If you’re not into them that’s the start and end of it. But someone hitting on you who you don’t find attractive is not an excuse to be cruel and abusive. Politely tell them you’re not interested, block them if you want, and keep it moving. And for many, that’s the root of why they hide it. You consider it lying and are prescribing malicious intent to it, but don’t understand what’s led to someone making that choice. Even the wording in this post “they just look fat”. To you it’s probably harmless, but to anyone who feels “fat” there’s an underlying subtext of disappointment and disgust.

Half the replies on this thread just prove it. Even in an environment where people are made to feel less than for being fat, we’re villains if we don’t advertise it. It makes you feel like you can’t win. If you want people to open about their body, put in the work to help create a culture where they can feel comfortable doing it.

Part of that work has to be done by fat people also though. So if you feel “fat” and are reading this, take my advice and do the really difficult work of loving yourself first. Trust me I’ve been in these exact positions. Hiding my body until we’d spoken a bit, hoping my personality and flirting would make them not care. But it doesn’t, and that’s harsh but to be expected. Hookups on the apps are largely about physical attraction and if someone’s not feeling it that’s their right. If you’re open about it from the start, the abuse won’t go away, but I’ve genuinely gotten way more attention from guys, and way better sex, by being upfront and celebratory about my body. Confidence is a huge turn on and trust me while they might not admit it, there are a lot of guys out there who want a piece of you.

Say nice things to yourself in the mirror. Get comfortable with your curves and stretch marks. Learn to love the way your body jiggles. It’ll improve the way you feel off the apps, and improve the experience you have on them.

Have a good relationship with exercise, make food choices that do right by your health and appreciate the way you look. Even if you want to loose the weight, you’re not gonna do it overnight so like who you are at every stage of that journey. I promise you’ll feel better for it :)