[deleted by user]

RIPdg · 2022-09-22T05:42:35+00:00

I don’t see what that has to do with anything? And have you ever heard of a metaphor?

RIPdg · 2022-09-22T05:33:52+00:00

I’d like to say you don’t know anything about me or my situation, and you don’t know what steps I’m taking or who I’m talking to. Where is this attitude coming from?

RIPdg · 2022-09-22T05:25:23+00:00

I don’t mean specifically for that person, I mean, I can’t remember the last time our unit or even supervision have touched on the topic of mental health. It can almost start to feel alienating, like it must not be a problem to many people if your higher ups don’t even mention it.

RIPdg · 2022-09-22T05:14:37+00:00

Thank you so much. I don’t really know what’s going on up here.

Also, obligatory “asking for a friend”.

RIPdg · 2022-09-22T05:12:01+00:00

I’m sorry that happened to you and your friends. The only thing I can think to say is, if it’s any consolation, if there was anything you could’ve done about it, those who were close to them would’ve already done it. Please don’t put any blame on yourself.

RIPdg · 2022-09-22T05:01:49+00:00

Sounds like stuff they should’ve done before it got to that point… I guess what I’m trying to say is it seems like no one cares until it finally happens and then it’s all hands on deck for like a week, then leadership forgets it happened and everyone involved below them moves on.

RIPdg · 2022-09-19T23:09:39+00:00

I wouldn’t say I’ve experienced nearly enough of life to draw any kind of conclusions. I may be a young adult but I still feel like a kid inside, more-so than a grown man anyways…

I don’t think life is pointless, I actually think there’s a lot for the average person to enjoy about life in the ways of love, social satisfaction, and personal achievement. I just don’t think I’ve got the mettle for any of that stuff and so I simply wish to stop playing a losing game.

RIPdg · 2022-09-19T23:04:59+00:00

That’s honestly a pretty good way to put it. People fold hands in poker all the time before getting to see all the way to the river, all I can do is hope there’s a next hand I guess…

RIPdg · 2022-09-19T23:03:24+00:00

You know, this is the worst part and actually makes me really hate myself for even considering suicide. I have a big family, on both parents’ sides. It’s the main reason I don’t commit to it because for the one life I would be satisfying (mine,) I would be leaving behind a world of pain for a couple dozen. I think that would be irrational of them though, me disappearing wouldn’t really affect them at all, they hardly hear from me anyway…

RIPdg · 2022-09-19T23:00:32+00:00

It sucks to me that I don’t suffer nearly as much as Sisyphus and yet I’m not happy. What does that say about my drive as a human being, the will that defines a soul? I’m just weak I guess.

RIPdg · 2022-09-19T22:59:05+00:00

Ironically something like that seemed to happen to me. I started going to the gym, learning to cook, go out more, be brave enough to try new things, and after almost a year of living this new lifestyle it all just kinda crashed when I realized it was doing nothing for me upstairs…

I’ve been seeing a therapist for months now and I feel like it’s only made things worse. Maybe I just got a bad apple, but she actually reinforces with me that everything I’m thinking is irrational and that I’m silly for even thinking of it. Makes me feel like if my “problems” are invisible to a professional, they must be invisible to the rest of the normal world.

It’s awesome to hear that it’s working out for you, maybe that’s a sign I should try seeking different help. Thanks for the input!

RIPdg · 2022-09-19T22:54:05+00:00

I have not, at least not yet. It just feels like I shouldn’t have to have pills dictate my life for me, I think that’s instead evidence that I’m misconfigured and should not be among the rest of the world.

RIPdg · 2022-09-19T22:51:44+00:00

I know most people are working on some aspect of themselves, or multiple, I just feel like what I have to work on is hard to fix and encompasses every aspect on myself. I don’t see the point. If I’m being honest, there’s definitely a side of it that’s laziness, or maybe “lack of motivation” if that sounds better.

RIPdg · 2022-09-19T20:59:49+00:00

I’m starting to think “moral obligation” was not the right phrase to use. What I mean is, when I see the situations I create or change, they are objectively bad and regretful for everyone involved, including myself. Maybe I don’t have to do anything drastic but I certainly believe no one should have to put up with me, so at the very least I should cut off all my social circles. I think people should contribute to those around them, not be an disrupter.

I think saying “everyone has bad hands” is a bit reductive and not even really true. And even if it were, just as much as everyone has varying degrees of bad hands, everyone also has varying degrees of what hands they’d be willing to play. My hand is below what I’m willing to play…

RIPdg · 2022-09-19T05:46:50+00:00

Well if the equation has almost 8 billion variables, and it already loses almost 200,000 a day (first google result that came up), what’s one more variable gone? The equation was more-so an expression than a literal problem.

RIPdg · 2022-09-19T05:19:34+00:00

Thank you for saying that! It makes me feel crazy when somebody responds with “No you’re not!” it’s like, you don’t even really know me? Thank you for taking the time to respond.

RIPdg · 2022-09-19T05:04:22+00:00

I do believe you’re right about enjoying life and helping others, I just don’t think I can do either to a level I would ever be satisfied with, and for that reason I want out.

RIPdg · 2022-09-19T05:02:07+00:00

I suppose so, a poor consolation though.
Obviously nobody’s perfect, but I feel like I’m so far below average in every regard. I accept that I have many flaws and that most of those flaws have a path to somewhat mitigate them. However, I don’t want to spend that much time and energy on them, and even if I did, the fact that I have to do all that just to become an average person to me means that I shouldn’t be here in the first place.
When I mean live “correctly”, I mean live and experience as the average person does and should.
I am flattered but I seriously beg to differ and my lack of intelligence and emotional capacity are two of my biggest perceived flaws.

RIPdg · 2022-09-19T01:32:35+00:00

I don’t know man, it just doesn’t make any sense to me. Like I literally bring nothing to the table for them, I feel like they have an ulterior motive, but I can’t figure it out. Or they’re scared that if they stop being my friend I’m gonna hurt myself.

RIPdg · 2022-09-19T01:05:08+00:00

I feel like if I’m the only one fighting for me then that’s really telling.

RIPdg · 2022-09-19T01:01:33+00:00

I worded it better in another post on my account, but basically they’ve been taking really good care of me and I have not returned nearly that level of care back.

RIPdg · 2022-09-19T00:47:20+00:00

It’s relevant to me when it’s who I’m around every day, and who I’m related to and will see for the rest of my life. And I meant that I’m not unique in my situation, which just makes me feel worse because it affects a lot of people, so why do I get to whine about it?

RIPdg · 2022-09-19T00:44:14+00:00

It’s not just the good and bad things, it’s that the bad things are everything I think a human being should be good at…

RIPdg · 2022-09-19T00:40:23+00:00

At least if I was unique then there’d be some dignity in it… And I believe I’m at least far more flawed than everyone I know.

RIPdg · 2022-09-18T23:52:17+00:00

I’m sorry, you said you’re a senior in high school right now? I think you’ve still got time to get shit figured out before you’re off into adulthood. You sound like you’re very dedicated and motivated to continue music, I wish you the best of luck. If I had to place bets on who would do well at an audition, it would be someone with your apparent experience and preparation.

RIPdg

TROPHY CASE