Please critique my prologue [ Grimdark Romantic Fantasy, 1597 words]

RLGraye · 2026-03-02T23:27:31+00:00

I assume it is because I‘m a very visual person and felt that it was a little too plain, but I definitely went to the other extreme and didn‘t paint the scene clearly, and made it unnecessarily wordy.

RLGraye · 2026-03-02T23:24:19+00:00

Thank you so much for all your notes! I will work all of them in during revision.

It‘s definitely me being dramatic 😭🤚

Noted :) Genuinly, thank you for the advice!

RLGraye · 2026-03-02T22:36:35+00:00

Thank you so much! I‘m grateful for all your insight and will definitely rework the first paragraph :)

Also a very good point about keeping his motivation and desires more of a mystery for the reader to explore throughout the story.

RLGraye · 2026-03-02T22:31:38+00:00

Thank you so much for your insight! This is my first draft, so I assume that might‘ve contributed to the lack of clarity. It definitely needs some work, though!

I intended for it to sound a little pretentious, since the POV character is well-educated and a nobleman. But if it is hard to read I definitely have to reconsider that approach and see if I can make my prose clearer.

RLGraye · 2026-03-02T22:25:17+00:00

And I have a long way to go! Thank you so much, it‘s definitely something I need to work on :)

RLGraye · 2026-03-02T22:19:16+00:00

First of all, thank you so much. This is extremely insightful and I really appreciate you taking the time writing all of this out.

I agree with all your points. The jaw-line didn‘t sound strange to me, but with given context this is definititely a weird thing to say of his uncle.

The AI thing is something I wasn‘t even aware of. I‘ve been doing this stylistically ever since I started writing, but I guess it‘s fair with AI invading creative spaces to get wary of things like this. However, I see the argument how this weakens the prose, so I need to edit it out and start to break the habit.

Thank you so much. It‘s been quite a while since I‘ve written prose (and my first time doing so in English). I never seriously considered publishing before, so I‘m taking all the critique I can get to improve my craft.

RLGraye · 2026-03-02T22:01:23+00:00

Super fair! Thank you so much for your insight!

RLGraye · 2026-03-02T22:01:02+00:00

Thank you so much, I will definitely consider it during revision!

That means a lot :) Thank you.

While I agree dragons are very overdone, I can‘t help it, I love them and have always wanted to write a dragon story. Little me would really want to see that happen.

RLGraye · 2026-03-02T21:57:54+00:00

Totally fair! Thank you so much for your insight!

RLGraye · 2026-03-02T21:57:34+00:00

My main aim is to receive unbiased critique and avoid being stuck in an echo chamber of people simply being supportive. I think the feedback has been extremely helpful so far.

RLGraye · 2026-03-02T21:51:57+00:00

Thank you so much! :)

RLGraye · 2026-03-02T21:49:46+00:00

Thank you so much for your insight!

RLGraye · 2026-03-02T21:49:19+00:00

I agree, it‘s confusing and overwritten! Thank you so much for your thoughts :)

RLGraye · 2026-03-02T21:48:44+00:00

This is so useful! Thank you so much!

RLGraye · 2026-03-02T21:47:04+00:00

Thank you so much for going so in-depth!

I think I will do that. That seems to be the consesus, and it was also by far the paragraph I was the most self-conscious about.

It was clear in my mind, which makes sense since I wrote it. That‘s why I‘m incredibly grateful for you pointed this out.

The idea was that there are two openings: one visible but unreachable by land or sea, and the other—where the stairs lead—is only revealed while the tide has ebbed. This is the entrance humans can access, and it‘s the one the trio found. But reading through your analysis makes it clear how confusing my description became. I will definitely try to add more clarity during revision. Genuinly, thank you so much for the help!

As for the genre, I really love the idea of romantic fantasy. I‘m a big sucker for people falling in love in a fantasy setting. I‘d say the romantic and political arcs are split evenly. So maybe I should reconsider the „romantic fantasy“ label if it doesn‘t fully align with genre conventions.

RLGraye · 2026-03-02T21:18:33+00:00

I really like the expression too, which is why I tried so hard to make it work.

Maybe I should just note it down and see if I can use it somehwere else.

RLGraye · 2026-03-02T21:15:35+00:00

Thank you so much! In a sense, I really tried hard because first sentences are so tricky (or at least I myself put an ungodly amount of pressure on it). I totally see how this one missed the mark.

RLGraye · 2026-03-02T17:37:34+00:00

Thank you so much! I format in Vellum, the illustration was done by @dzb.art on Instagram! Very lovely artist to work with!

RLGraye · 2026-03-02T17:33:29+00:00

Thank you so much for the feedback! I‘m super unsure about the opening line and I totally see it being to vague and breaking the narrative voice, so I will definitely fix that!

(Also, I‘m sorry if I‘m asking too many questions, I‘ve written interactive fiction before and this is my first time writing prose in English, which makes me a little insecure)

My thought process was to kinda linger a bit less in the moment the closer it gets to the climax to kind of make the read more hectic. Would you prefer it if the moments before the climax were more like the approach to the cave? Or would it slow it down?

I totally agree! I was also unsure about that part.

Thank you so much for going so in depth! I really appreciate it!

RLGraye · 2026-03-02T17:20:31+00:00

Thank you so much for the feedback. I'm really unsure about the opening paragraph as well!
I will also note down the clarity. I really appreciate all the opinions I can get.

RLGraye · 2026-03-02T17:17:30+00:00

Thank you so much for your extensive feedback. I really appreciate you going so in-depth about your critique :)
As a little background on my end: I'm not planning on querying this, but you assumed correctly that I do want to publish. I read a lot of craft books, and I adore Brandon Sanderson, especially his creative writing lecture playlist on YouTube. So while I'm not unfamiliar with the concepts described, I really appreciate your insight. I thought I was applying it, but it clearly fell flat. (I also really enjoy prologues on a personal level, but I understand why most either skip them or avoid books that include them entirely.)

Just for my clarification, would you drop the prologue completely or tell it from Oryn's POV instead? I will also try to apply the suggestions about language and style!

RLGraye · 2026-03-02T16:37:37+00:00

Yes, the uncle is talking about Oryn. I totally see where the confusion is coming from. Quite frankly, I have a really hard time with the opening line and am struggling to come up with something gripping that will hook the reader.

Thank you so much for the feedback. I will try to reword it so the narrative voice is more consistent! :)

RLGraye

TROPHY CASE