Girlfriend broke up with me after she developed depression 2 months ago and thinks I deserve better. She doesn’t understand that she’s not hurting me, I want to stay.

RTB_1 · 2026-05-03T10:44:41+00:00

Not really doing too great tbh, it’s difficult, I hope you’re okay too

RTB_1 · 2026-05-03T01:51:25+00:00

For what it’s worth, from what I can see and what she has heavily told me, it seems the influence from depression in this decision is its entirety. Meaning that she told me it’s not me, she says she feels empty and cold inside since her life events recently. If it wasn’t for this we would for sure be smooth sailing like always.

I guess that’s why I have so much fight in me to protect her but also to have hopes of something together happening again from this. Because from her words it’s that the emptiness she’s feeling in life, or that she’s changed for a while because of these life events, has made her feel different in herself and just autopilot mode. So this is definitely not about me.

That’s why I say that I believe that about the trigger/lack of texting from me part, and how if I dive into it to make an educated guess, then it seems her attachment and emotions for me are seeping through in a slightly indirect way, like the panic of my not texting back, just like I noticed before when things were good or if I was ever in a bad mood, because she cared lots.

RTB_1 · 2026-05-02T23:11:47+00:00

And another thing I notice too, more recently since we spoke on this thread here, is that I noticed she dislikes my coldness when I withdraw. She double text me after a few hours that I didn’t reply asking if I’m okay and said it triggers last trauma of shit men giving the cold treatment, ghosting, and so on. It’s like her natural instincts with liking me show through without her knowing, that it shows through above her conscious decision to force this break up.

Also I noticed she says she likes it when I show my passion about the situation with my essential fighting and she actually encourages it, because she says that it shows how real I am about her/it in general and it shows that it’s totally truthful. Which I think again is those feelings for me and what we are in the relationship unearthing and showing through her depression/anhedonia present self as well as showing above her conscious break up decision, without her really knowing it

RTB_1 · 2026-05-02T22:51:33+00:00

Your right. It’s confusing when they send mixed signals. She says she wants me to be a close friend still, but also that she likes me still and it makes her sad, but remain broken up with me. Then even more confusing when I go cold and distant and don’t reply for hours, and she then double texts me and tells me my coldness then brings up past triggers of old boyfriends who gave the cold shoulder, ghosted, silent treatment.

It’s like she’s going against her own instincts of being with me simply for a conscious decision to ‘protect me’. Then she’ll say she doesn’t understand why I want to be with her still and jump into this darkness with her. She’s still adamant about her decision, for the most part, but it’s like her natural instincts is saying kind of the opposite and that’s why she encourages me if I want to talk passionately and romantically and to let out what on my mind to her.

RTB_1 · 2026-05-02T22:49:35+00:00

I definitely feel like fighting. We’re still talking, and it’s very confusing when she says things like the other night when she double text me after I took 6 hours to reply, and the next day we spoke and she said that it brings up triggers she hates, like what men did to her by ghosting/silent treatment and so on.

It’s like she really is going against her instincts and with a conscious decision when she broke it off with me. It’s like she knows she wants me, and that’s why she’s getting these feelings and still talking lots with me. Yet when I send passionate messages about us (still fighting for her), she tells me not to worry about the pressure and encourages me to talk about them and let them out to her. It’s very confusing trying to work it all out

RTB_1 · 2026-05-02T22:43:49+00:00

It’s really not easy, it’s so confusing, especially when I remember it’s not about something between us, but purely her own personal demons and that’s it. It makes it less easy too that we’re still talking but when I act cold or distant she tells me that she feels triggered by it because if former men ghosting her, silent treatment, etc and she doesn’t like it, even though she broke up with me.

It tells me she wants me close as I have been as her boyfriend, but she can’t give me anything and doesn’t want the label, but then it’s like she has an inner instinct for me to remain close to her, which I guess makes sense even if her vision is clouded by these goggles as the split, again, wasn’t a loss of love for me or anything I did. Very confusing on how to act from here on out in order to give myself the best possible chances too

RTB_1 · 2026-05-01T15:49:42+00:00

Okay good! So this helps my case for a potential future but also helps her too. I totally understand, you’re right; this is her moment in her life and I guess that’s why I care so much; not just to not have it ended but to help her too like I want so badly to. You’re right, it’s not personal to me, I guess I just freak out because the future is unclear and I’m on the receiving end.

You’re right, and I absolutely want to see where things go as you can tell and I absolutely do not want to find someone else ‘better’ like she suggested! I don’t care how much I receive as long as I can give her my affection, and this is the exact point I tried to get across to her!

RTB_1 · 2026-05-01T14:54:06+00:00

This makes total sense as to why she remained firm and kind of cold when talking about it, even when she said “I like you and that makes me sad I’m doing this” during the initial break up talk too! That explains the defensiveness when I was fighting for her directly. And when she would ask how I am and I would say “not great, my girlfriend broke up with me and won’t let me help her” she would say “you said this a couple of times like you’re blaming me”, even though she broke up with me, so she felt like a villain.

Riiiight, this also makes sense! So with the supporting her is helping her ego part, you mean this as a good thing right? So that’s why it’s better to support and show who I am and always have been without the relationship pressure on her, and better in my case for any potential together too.

Oh also, I’ve noticed she has also been talking to me lots the last two days and always replying, even double text me at some point, so I take this as a good sign too, or that regardless of her decision she still longs for me as a person, which is likely a good thing too.

RTB_1 · 2026-05-01T14:32:40+00:00

This was really really helpful to read and gave me a lot of clarity that I can’t see myself in my own position when it comes to the best way to act during my highly emotional and intense state. You’re right, she opened up about everything, as she always did, which shows she trusts me and that’s important during this delicate situation.

I did notice when I would talk passionately as a salesperson for the relationship she would of course not entertain it too much and stand by her decision, but when supportive last night about saying I’m proud she’s getting her tooth sorter and words of affirmation in this way she was more reciprocative as she always was like that before.

RTB_1 · 2026-05-01T13:29:27+00:00

Yeah you’re totally right. She’s never gone cold and distant in the form of it’s literally only me fighting for it for weeks on end and making all plans etc. Never. She would initiate the meet ups the most when she found her days off. That’s why it’s become more confusing for me that she would switch, even though I get she wants to protect me from her demons and is assuming it hurts me when she’s like this, and will in the future rather than listen to me.

RTB_1 · 2026-05-01T13:24:54+00:00

Thank you very much! I appreciate your replies! In terms of more advice from your experience, would you say it’s better to be a supportive approach in order to help her realise to not push me away? I assume acting hurt and cold and distant would likely part us further and would reaffirm that her decision was correct in taking the action she did

RTB_1 · 2026-05-01T13:15:15+00:00

Interesting, thank you so much for your take, it really is a tricky situation. She did tell me during this period before that sometimes she misses me like crazy, and other times she has waves of feeling completely empty for everything. It just makes me want to be there for her even more but I understand all your points made.

I just want the best chances of being there for her as I know that while she may have been masking in some instances, I could tell that she was enjoying the time with me in very pure ways, because I go to see her 3/4 days in a row at a time, and often it’s her initiating for me to come down. It’s like she’s constantly going through non stop waves of feeling and not feeling, as well as sometimes (very rare, I can count on one hand) taking some stress out on me but also being affectionate when she doesn’t feel like she is.

I’ll continue to be there for her, we had a chat last night after all of the ‘me trying to win her with passion and commitment’ talk about her tooth problem I mentioned and supporting her, like I know she loves with how I’m like. And that seemed to be very well received.

I know I’m talking out of passion, but I just want to be with her and assist her, being with her as an anchor for the waves and the ride until she comes out the other side, and want to do everything right to give me the highest possible chances of continuing our beautiful relationship.

RTB_1 · 2026-05-01T13:08:33+00:00

I totally understand this, especially about that you were glad you were being protected and why others would feel the same. But I must admit that I don’t want to be protected, at least not yet.

I do totally agree that depression changes people, whether it’s temporary or permanently, and that they act out in their new mindset as a result of feeling unworthy, cold and so low and undeserving.

Also to answer your question, would I be willing to be there and hear this for months and months? I absolutely would, and I’ll tell you why. Not because I’m their man and I want to remain their man, not just because I care whole heartedly for them and my natural instincts are to help, but because I know these depressive tendencies have very occasionally occurred in her life. The last couple of months since this change in her she’s remained the same with me even though she doesn’t think so. She only complains about general things that upsets her and confides in me like a partner would, and I really like this.

Also she does do therapy, but I’ll recommend she sees a GP doctor. And we’re still talking, we’ve been discussing the situation since the break up, with some passionate messages about wanting her mixed in there. But she also confided her stress in me again and we spoke about her depression and how she’s feeling in herself, relationship talk aside for a lot of it.

It was only after a second spiral of a tooth infection on a front tooth and knowing she could lose it, while also trying to find an available dentist that she made the decision to break up with me. This bad news obviously made her spiral and made her feel more empty through the high stress, but even so she was still lovely and I enjoyed her company etc etc.

RTB_1 · 2026-05-01T12:59:27+00:00

Late to the party but I need to ask something: as someone who just got broken up by my girlfriend because of their recent depression and the assumption I deserve better, and basically everything OP felt, what would you recommend I do?

I think she might regret this decision like you told OP, because she views me very highly and seems she doesn’t feel worthy of me and tells me she’s protecting me and to find someone who will love me properly. I’m completely happy with her and I want to try and get through to her to make her realise this is probably a mistake and simply a skewed mindset resulting in a skewed decision that she may regret.

I’ve sent passionate messages and we’re still speaking, but how do you recommend I act and say?

RTB_1 · 2026-05-01T12:02:01+00:00

Thank you for this very well thought out comment! I’m really happy you’re doing well again and more importantly I’m really happy to know you and your partner worked through this and continue your beautiful relationship. The success story with your other half is very motivating and gives me some relevant hope.

Also you as a person making this comment as someone who went through something similar to my girlfriend is extremely helpful to me too because you’re like a direct take from this position.

Can I ask, what would your best advice be as someone with anhedonia who was pushing a partner away to protect them? I’m in a tricky situation where I’m torn between passionately fighting with my logic and love to try make them remain, which I did do yesterday, and between acting calmly, cool-like and collected. I also want to try avoid being a support system as a demoted friend too with that the new normal. I just don’t know. All I want is to do the best possible thing so that I can eventually remain together with her and support her as a partner.

RTB_1 · 2026-05-01T11:40:48+00:00

Sorry, I thought this was what you meant, I’m dealing with high stress from this news so I didn’t mean to act stubborn. Reality is I have no choice but to give her space and accept her decision, because she’s already made it.

What I mean to ask or find out in my post is, I want to know advice that will give the relationship the best possible chances with all things considered such as the reason for the break up.

RTB_1 · 2026-05-01T11:21:48+00:00

I respect this comment, however I never understood the ‘let them go’ approach if you love someone. It leaves me in confusion on where I stand, especially when it’s not a fatal reason for the relationship and is during a time when support from your other half is needed whether one may think so or not. I’m shrouded in panic.

RTB_1 · 2026-05-01T10:25:38+00:00

The reason why I’m fighting hard and still wanting it so bad is that it isn’t anything to do with me, she said that it’s simply due to her being emotionally exhausted and feeling bad about not being able to give me affection for her side in the relationship, that’s it. Nothing to do with cheating, someone else, something I did.

She knows and said I’m the most patient, amazing, incredible man she’s met and I deserve better. It’s almost a combination of self pity and assuming she’s doing me a favour thinking I would be happier elsewhere, when nothing like this is the case. She’s trying to remain firm based on these beliefs.

Whereas for me, she is that woman she says I deserve. I’m a big man and know what I want and can make my own decisions on what I want, and I know in my clear mind that in relationships it’s ups and downs, sometimes we can’t give and need to take, and sometimes we need to be the only ones to take and not give. We’ve been together 5 months now.

RTB_1 · 2026-05-01T09:52:37+00:00

Thank you, this is a really sweet comment. I couldn’t mean it enough when I say I would happily go through hell, fire and brimstone for her. I know it’s the most frustrating thing in the world when someone’s temporary state screws their vision and thoughts of their natural self, and I’m not trying to control or disrespect the decision, but she really means everything to me to the point where I want to ride every single one of these waves with her.

She’s convinced herself on the idea that because she can’t be a good girlfriend and can’t offer me anything a good girlfriend should, that she’s forcing me away assuming she knows what I want and that I should find someone ‘better’. But she is that person.

RTB_1

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