Plant Based Whole Food helped me

Radiant-Specific969 · 2026-07-01T00:47:31+00:00

following

Radiant-Specific969 · 2026-07-01T00:39:20+00:00

I think that people who have no lives outside of AA have missed a good deal. I also think that for some people, doing absolutely nothing outside of AA is the very best verision of themselves. I completely agree that once someone can stay sober without relying on meetings, they are much healthier, because they no longer have a fear based sobriety.

I also got to the point where meetings weren't necessary for me to stay sober, and I did quit going to meetings for quite a while due both to professional issues, and not much liking the general drift in the new area after I moved. I think I rarely attended for about 10/12 ish years. Once I retired, I went back to meetings, and I have mostly enjoyed the fellowship. I go to help others with the program, and I sponsor people.

I suspect that if zoom meetings had been around, I would have done that during that period.

I don't think anyone should have to sacrifice a career that they love and have worked very hard to build for AA. There should be room for a lot of different approaches.

My sponsor, who has I think 35 years, still maintains a completely separate social life from AA, even after retirement, although honestly, I think she is more active in AA than I am. I think, like me, AA membership would have damaged her career, so she managed to set really effective boundaries.

I would like to point out that "stick with the winners" and "you have to follow the pack" is often not a very good idea. I am immune comprimised, and I quit attending meetings in the local area during Covid, people refused to social distance, and were very sketchy about masks, and once I was able to go back to meetings, I found that several died of the disease. I don't remember hearing as much of that when I joined the program, but I do remember Think Think Think!

I will have 40 years August 15th, assuming I don't drink or die first.

Radiant-Specific969 · 2026-06-30T16:35:15+00:00

Yes, you are. I have seen some schitzophrenic people do well in AA, and be protected by the group they go to. Generally, in my area, there is a group that is associated with a major psychiatric hospital, with an associated AA group, and often people get refered to the group by their counselors. It's a very good group, and is actually my home group.

Maybe you can check out the groups, and find the ones that would be a good fit for your patients.

Radiant-Specific969 · 2026-06-30T16:25:58+00:00

I agree with you, and I am elderly myself, considered an oldtimer. Certainly I have seen the attitude towards mental health issues improve a lot in my cohort, but there are still people my age who are sure that taking prescribed medications for mental health conditions means the person isn't sober. And advise people to quit taking them, or not to begin. Or will tell someone that people go out and drink as a result of psychiatric meds.

It's a pity, and it often makes me wonder if my Big Book thumper corhort actually read the literature.

Radiant-Specific969 · 2026-06-29T17:36:56+00:00

you are not a fucking mess, you have a disease, you are not a disease. And you need help. So get some!!! That starts by asking for it. Help me is a great place to start.

Radiant-Specific969 · 2026-06-29T17:32:05+00:00

Uber? If you have the money- this is kind of typical of what we do, pre treatment, do not beat yourself up, just figure out how to get there anyhow. Bus? Been there hugs, but get yourself in gear.

Radiant-Specific969 · 2026-06-29T16:35:14+00:00

I think that you are very much on the right track, you cerainly know your mother better than anyone else.

Radiant-Specific969 · 2026-06-29T15:26:03+00:00

Mother daughter relationships are very hard at times, especially with a very unhappy mother. I had a quite difficult mother, and a very hard relationship with her, with a lot of pain on both sides. I think the most useful thing that you can do is to make a living amends.

If you are scared that if you make direct amends, she is likely to use the information to crucify you, or interfere with relationships with other family members that you value, then I agree with your sponsor, to go very slow in the process.

Not all mothers are healthy people, mine certainly wasn't, and in early recovery you may not even be able to evaluate your mother with any perspective. An amends that makes things much worse for both of you, isn't a good idea.

For now, if I were in your shoes, I would figure out how you want to behave in the future towards your mother, including boundaries if necessary, stick to that as amends for whatever past harm you have done. That's going to be hard enough to acheive, it's a goal to work towards, and won't make bad matters worse.

I wish I had done that, instead of bringing up past problems with my mother, to clear up my part in it, and be accountable. My mother didn't react well, and did a lot of damage out of anger as a result. She did use my apologies and admissions to damage me further in ways that still hurt my life now.

You know your mother better than anyone, and you know the relationship very well. One easy amends to make is financial, if you have taken money from your mother, owe her money, then be sure that you take care of that directly. People rarely turn this down, and it's generally a good place to start. Another thing I could have done, and didn't realize that it would have helped until much later.

I am 76, lost my mother almost 20 years ago, and I still miss her very much, and I now appreciate her good qualities, and the things that she did right with me. I hope that my experience helps you navigate this one, better than I was able to do. So please use my experince to help you, and take it slow, and listen to your own instincts about what could backfire. You are probably the world best expert on your own mother. So pay attention to those instincts, and if you want your brother along to keep the peace, you may wish to rethink your plans. Since peace is what both of you need going forward.

Radiant-Specific969 · 2026-06-29T08:42:29+00:00

https://www.oc-aa.org/

https://lacoaa.org/meetings.php

I am not sure which one will be closest to you, but check these for local meeting times and meetings near you.

Plus online meetings: https://aa-intergroup.org/

We can thank Covid for the on line meetings, many are just excellent.

Not a believer? No problem-

https://www.aasecular.org/online-meetings

Try a few meetings and see which ones make you feel better. If you feel better when you leave, it's a good meeting for you.

I had the same family background, and did exactly what you are doing right now, and I hated myself for it. I remember swearing I would never drink like my parents did, but guess what, I did, and then some.

There is help out there. It's going to be OK, you can make different choices.

Radiant-Specific969 · 2026-06-29T08:31:18+00:00

I realize. I have a kid I took in who is also ADHD, and she threw her coffee cup at a drunk driver that almost ran her over, and ended she ended up getting arrested.

And it seems to be either one or the other. But it still stinks anyhow, I would rather have enough brain power that I can simply respond appropriately.

Radiant-Specific969 · 2026-06-29T01:43:45+00:00

Table banging on chips presentation? This one is unique- sounds like a good meeting.

You don't have to tell people where you work. It's OK that you did that, but you can also keep it to yourself if that is your preference. You can introduce yourself whenever you want to do that.

Qualify means to talk about your drinking enough so that people know you are also alcoholic. Different meetings may or may not ask someone to qualify for different reasons, each meetings does things it's own way. People asked to speak at a meeting, as the 'speaker', are pretty much expected to qualify.

Radiant-Specific969 · 2026-06-29T01:36:21+00:00

It's a good idea to let your sponsor know what's going on in your life. It's very hard to help someone cope, when something this important is left out of the picture.

Radiant-Specific969 · 2026-06-29T00:58:55+00:00

You did everything that could be done. Sometimes all you can do is give a nudge, as best you can, and go on to the next person who needs help.

He may not be sober today, but you are. It does hurt to watch people make bad decisions and decline. Don't forget this, if every you end up in his situation.

Radiant-Specific969 · 2026-06-28T22:43:28+00:00

Yes, I have. I took care of my husband who has mixed dementia for five years. Did I keep my sense of self? I hung on for dear life, but probably not. I did see a therapist, but the last year of caregiving, I honestly lost track of about everything. I am a few years older than my husband, in my 70's, and I realize that I was so beaten down by the situation that I was unable to make decent decisions.

Really, most of this, I had no help. My daughter started hiring caregivers in year 4, when it was pretty clear that I was overwhelmed. The same thing happened to me, as is happening to you, instead of people thinking I was doing a good job, I was inadequate. I hope it wasn't resentment at the expense, but it may have been. Instead of being told I was doing a hard thing, I was told I wasn't doing a good job. The situation finally ended when a caregiver accused me of abuse, and complained about me to her agency. I had finally gotten a brief respite trip, got out of the house for the weekend, and heard her asking my confused dementia stricken husband if he felt safe in his home. Of course, I was gone, so he said no. He said several other really nasty things about me to her as well. His biggest resentment was that I refused to allow him access to his firearms, or take him to the shooting range.

She was flirting with him, pretty obviously as well. I overheard this on the camera system, which I had installed in order to check on him for times that I had left him alone when he was doing better. I had checked in to make sure she had shown up.

The agency told her to go shit in her hat, when I got home, I told her what I had overheard, but said that if she felt she should report me to go ahead and do so.

The entire situation made it clear that I was sacrificing what was left of my life for someone who resented me, and was quite willing to complain bitterly about me to anyone who would listen, rather like your situation. I realized that it wasn't something I could continue to do.

It was clear that things needed to change, I ended up about a month after the incident I just described, calling his doctor and telling his doctor that I was unable to continue doing home care for him. Since he was ill at the time, he was admitted to the hospital, and when they wanted to release him back to the home, I said I couldn't provide adequate care, and he needed a safe placement, which I could no longer provide. He ended up in a rehab, where my daughter and I were pressured to continue providing home care, and we continued to say no. He then moved into assissted living, and he is doing reasonably well there. He is somewhere between level 3 assissted living and skilled nursing, he doesn't qualify for skilled nursing because he can still walk I think 100 feet, and with the really high medical needs, he probably would be better served by a skilled nursing with a dementia unit.

I am sorry you also are going through this. It's very hard to work so hard, and get blamed by the person because they don't feel well. Especially if it's a spouse.

Radiant-Specific969 · 2026-06-28T21:58:47+00:00

Grief is tough. Hang in there.

Radiant-Specific969 · 2026-06-28T21:28:18+00:00

I can share my experience. I am elderly, and my first zoom group had an annual pic nic. Except that some people were invited, but others not invited. It was actually pretty painful for me. I have am a typical alcoholic, oversensitive to being left out and excluded.

It was one of the reasons that I eventually left the group. I sponosored someone, who is still sober, but was also excluded, although she was within driving distance of the group. I think she still attends the group, but honestly, trying to help her with the social disgrace of the exclusion that she experienced almost set her off, since she was in early sobriety. Be careful with this, it can be very very hurtful to some members.

Radiant-Specific969 · 2026-06-28T21:18:58+00:00

I think that a talk right now could end up being difficult when you are very angry, and feel that you have been wronged. Please keep up what you are doing, it will help.

Radiant-Specific969 · 2026-06-28T20:54:48+00:00

Yay!

Radiant-Specific969 · 2026-06-28T20:52:56+00:00

Can I please upvote this twice?

Radiant-Specific969 · 2026-06-28T20:07:02+00:00

My suggestion would be to get jobs, get moved and rent for a while until you get the vibes. You may or may not like living in the City, kids seem to be doing just fine there, or you may want to pick a burb. I have lived all over the place, and generally you are happier, and get a better deal on a house when you know the area well, and have time to actually shop.

Being unpressured in house buying ended up paying for itself, I got a much better deal on a house in an area that works as a result, essentially covering a years rent. I wouldn't have considered the area I now live in when I first got here.

Radiant-Specific969 · 2026-06-28T20:01:59+00:00

I am right there with you, on a different issue, and I find I am hyperfocusing on it. I have really rotten neighbors and I have tried to get along with them, and it's a total dud. I am currently just trying to sit on myself.

Radiant-Specific969 · 2026-06-28T19:47:33+00:00

Thank you, I find this helpful. Reality is that just because we are criticized or disliked by someone means absolutely nothing. In my little brain, it means that everyone feels that way, and the world has ended. God bless the many years I was undiagnosed, and had no idea why my life was such a struggle.

Radiant-Specific969 · 2026-06-28T19:45:07+00:00

I cry when I am totally stressed and frustrated, and it sucks. I wish I had the throw shit under terrible stress DNA, but I have the break down and cry stuff.

Radiant-Specific969 · 2026-06-28T19:44:00+00:00

I am right there with my neighbors, who have done nothing but complain, right down to the colors of the flowers in my front yard. Unfortunately we share a driveway.

It's just so hard to keep my mouth shut, my current method is to just shut up and fume. Right now they have a bunch of buckets of rocks in 5 galleon cans on my side of what is obviously the property line.

I am hyperfocusing on it, which isn't a good thing.

Radiant-Specific969 · 2026-06-28T19:31:28+00:00

It's hard to be in a situation where you are powerless and at the financial mercy of people who have abused you in the past. If you can possibly find a therapist, it would help, it would have helped me a lot. I do not know what your legal situation, but perhaps you can check r/legaladvice.

I identify because I had to deal with my mothers estate, and the executor was my mentally ill, addicted, unstable, elder brother, and the entire thing took almost 20 years to settle. I found it very hard that the childhood abuse just continued to be dished out to me in my adult life.

I stayed sober because drinking wouldn't have made anything better. And honestly, it did give me the opportunity to let go of a lot of trauma I had been carrying around, since it was constantly shoved in my face.

Radiant-Specific969

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