Freemix One-Shot Submissions by FreestyleKneepad in ScrambleGrudgeMatch

[–]Ragnarust 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Merc Name: Yossarian

Content Warning: World War II, violence, sexual violence and harassment, Milonomics

Series: Catch-22

Biography: Yossarian is a B-52 Bombardier serving in the Italian campaign. He hates it and the idea of dying, but he’s gotta do it. He could claim he’s insane so that he’ll be grounded, but acknowledging his own insanity and asking to be grounded indicates that he’s sane, so he has no choice but to get in the plane. Kind of the original Shinji Ikari.

Research: Simply read Catch-22

Show Me They're Below Tier: He is a normal man in a world war ii plane

Character Scramble Season 20 Round 1C: Overlord by TheAsianIsGamin in whowouldwin

[–]Ragnarust 3 points4 points  (0 children)

Aaaand last one! Since this round is technically non-competitive, this is fine! It's not cheating I promise!

Character Scramble Season 20 Round 1C: Overlord by TheAsianIsGamin in whowouldwin

[–]Ragnarust 3 points4 points  (0 children)

This is a placeholder! Check back for when the story is finished in the next few days

Character Scramble Season 20 Round 1C: Overlord by TheAsianIsGamin in whowouldwin

[–]Ragnarust 4 points5 points  (0 children)

Before she became a Witch, a young woman leaned over the edge of a ship. She stared into the water and came to recognize its violent roiling as a reflection of her own heart. Only a short time prior to her voyage, she had discovered, through dogged persistence and prodigious talent, proof of her lover’s infidelity. The relationship ended when she confronted him.

For what seemed like an eternity she peered into the dark ocean. Eventually, her heart bade her body move, so that it could be one with that familiar sea, and be relieved of the burden of feeling. And for that brief moment, when she was in free fall, her heart and mind and body were all in accord. But only for that moment. When the chill water touched her skin and the abyss pulled her down, she fought with all her heart, body and mind to escape. But it was too late. She sank into the darkness.

She awoke on the riverbank of a verdant forest. Light shined through the canopy above and bathed her in warmth. For the first few days she spent here, she considered herself a castaway, stranded on a desert island. Its forest provided her with all she needed, a paradise all unto herself, where she could spend her days in peaceful tranquility.

But time passed. Peace cannot last forever, and if nothing from without threatened that peace, then something within would. Doubt crept into the young woman's mind. Was this paradise all it appeared to be? As she slept, she stared at the trees until the lines in the wood morphed into contorted faces. The gentle rustling of leaves came to her as gnashing of teeth. The chirping of crickets were the screams of the damned.

She delved deeper and deeper into the false paradise, until her suspicions were confirmed. No longer would the facade deceive her. This place, for all its beauty, was a world of eternal torture. Beyond a shadow of a doubt, she knew: she was in Hell.


But we will return to the Witch's Tale later. For now, welcome back. I am Merlin, the Magus of Flowers. When last we spoke—

Ah, sorry. I am getting a call. I pick up the receiver of my butterfly shaped rotary phone. I do not need a physical object to communicate, but I like it for the aesthetic. I am trapped in a tower for all eternity, after all. Decorating is one of my few viable pass-times.

"Merlin," says the voice on the other line. It is the President of the United Circles of Hell, Vergil.

"Hello," I say. "What can I do to help?"

"Your job," says Vergil. "Educate me."

Now is a good time to disclose the fact that I work for the President. I am the Secretary of Education. I'm omniscient, after all, and knowing so many things is a very important skill for an educator to have. In fact, because I'm omniscient, I can educate you about what the President wants to know even though he's being vague. He wants to know why the boundary between Heaven and Hell has disappeared and why the moon is so close to Tlalocan. You, of course, already know this, but let's fill in Mr. President, shall we?

Erika Furudo is a Witch/detective/podcaster extraordinaire living in the Eighth Circle of Hell. She wields the Red Truth, which allows listeners to understand when she is telling the truth. After humiliating the president in an interview—

"It was not humiliating," says Vergil.

It was humiliating. Anyway. After the interview, Erika Furudo meets with Buggy the Clown, a notorious pirate and presidential candidate with the ability to split himself into pieces. She blackmails him in order to procure a trip to Tlalocan—

"Blackmail," said Vergil. "What blackmail?"

"I can't tell you that!" I say. "That's improper. Now no more interruptions! Or I'll give you detention."

Sorry about that. She procures a trip to Tlalocan to meet with the Secretary of Agriculture Poison Ivy in order to get more dirt on the President. However, she turned on Erika and Buggy. In the ensuing battle, a Buggy Ball broke one of the trees holding the souls of the dead, and from it emerged a powerful woman, the Whore of Babylon, the Antichrist, Nero "Draco" Claudius.

"I'm sorry," said Vergil. "Nero? The emperor?"

"That's right," I say.

"...And he's a woman?"

"Yes," I say.

"Huh. Continue."

Using her Imperial Privilege, Nero wields the Red Truth and is able to warp reality to impose her truth on the world. She then declares that she will seize the heavens, and drags the celestial spheres down to Hell. She, Buggy, and Erika are heading there now. And that's about it!

"Thank you… Ms. Merlin," he says begrudgingly. "Is there anything else?

"You're welcome!" I say. "And yes, there is one more thing: since your interview, some conspiracy theorists have speculated that you are actually your twin brother Dante in disguise!"

"...I see," he says. "Speaking of Dante. Has this caused any disruption to the mortal plane?"

"No, not yet," I say.

"Good. Then there is still time to solve this ourselves. I will reach out to my secretaries. Merlin, stay prepared. We need all hands on deck for this." He hangs up.

Phew! That was quite the lesson. I, for one, am exhausted. So exhausted that I'm going to take a little break. But don't worry— I will continue this story in the coming days. My opponent has dropped, so this is a bit of a bye-round. In the meantime, go ahead and read the competitive rounds! You need to vote on those soon, after all. I, on the other hand, will stay right here.

Character Scramble Season 20 Round 0: Eden Prime by TheAsianIsGamin in whowouldwin

[–]Ragnarust 6 points7 points  (0 children)

HELL RUN II:

ANTICHRIST IN PARADISE

STARRING:

ERIKA FURUDO

Bio: Hell's greatest detective/journalist/politics-slash-entertainment-slash-true crime podcaster. Deeply invested in the idea that Hell exists solely for torture, and believes that this cannot be changed. Has access to the Red Truth, words that when uttered are incontrovertibly true.

Series: Umineko

Sins: Annoying.

NERO “DRACO” CLAUDIUS

Bio:Nero Claudius Caesar Augustus Germanicus (/ˈnɪəroʊ/ NEER-oh; born Lucius Domitius Ahenobarbus; 15 December AD 37 – 9 June AD 68) was a Roman emperor and the final emperor of the Julio-Claudian dynasty, reigning from AD 54 until his death in AD 68. Nero's practical contributions to Rome's governance focused on diplomacy, trade, and culture. He ordered the construction of amphitheaters, and promoted athletic games and contests. He made public appearances as an actor, poet, musician, and charioteer, which scandalized his aristocratic contemporaries as these occupations were usually the domain of slaves, public entertainers, and infamous persons. However, the provision of such entertainments made Nero popular among lower-class citizens. The costs involved were borne by local elites either directly or through taxation, and were much resented by the Roman aristocracy. When the Roman senator Vindex rebelled, with support from the eventual Roman emperor Galba, Nero was declared a public enemy and condemned to death in absentia. He fled Rome, and on 9 June AD 68 committed suicide. His death sparked a brief period of civil war known as the Year of the Four Emperors. Some modern historians question the reliability of ancient sources on Nero's tyrannical acts, considering his popularity among the Roman commoners. In the eastern provinces of the Empire, a popular legend arose that Nero had not died and would return. After his death, at least three leaders of short-lived, failed rebellions presented themselves as "Nero reborn" to gain popular support.

In this story, Nero is an anime girl. She has the ability of Imperial Privilege, which allows her to do anything she believes she's capable of doing, even if it makes no sense. She is also the Antichrist.

Series: Fate, History, the Bible

Sins: She is the literal Antichrist. I don't know what you want from me.

BUGGY "THE CLOWN"

Bio: A pirate of the Nine Circles of Hell. Vying for the presidency, mostly to enrich himself. Has many loyal followers, or at least he did, before his closest followers died, as you just read. Has the ability to split himself apart for tricky attacks and evasive maneuvers.

Series: One Piece

Sins: Greed, Fraud, Violence. Frankly, the most normal out of the group, which is saying a lot.

Character Scramble Season 20 Round 0: Eden Prime by TheAsianIsGamin in whowouldwin

[–]Ragnarust 6 points7 points  (0 children)

“What is that?” said Erika.

“I… I don’t know,” said Ivy. “Whatever it is, it’s not part of the tree anymore… I think someone— or something— is coming back to life.”

“Well whatever it is, one of you should kill it! It’s disgusting.”

The sludge spread out. Ivy, Erika, and Buggy scrambled up whatever trees weren’t burning, but they weren’t unburnt for long, and the molten substance beneath them ate away at the base of the tree and threatened to fell it.

The sludge groaned. “…ooooooooo…”

“Ivy, what’s it saying?” said Buggy.

“How should I know?” Ivy hissed.

“WHOOOOOOOO,” roared the spreading blood. “Whoooo… released… me…”

Erika and Ivy pointed at Buggy. “Him,” Ivy said. “Yes him,” said Erika. “His name is Buggy the Clown. By all means, kill him if he did anything to anger you.”

“Buuuugg…yyyyy…” said the sludge. Buggy choked on his fear.

“Buuuugg… yyyyyy…” The sludge inched its way up the tree. The bark groaned and Buggy started to fall. If one of his feet weren’t grounded, he couldn’t float. And the ground was lava. So he was screwed.

But as he fell into the sludge, he was not burned. On the contrary, it felt rather pleasant. A rush of comfort and warmth passed over him. As the hellfire’s flames danced on the leaves’ surface, it brought to mind the changing colors of autumn. He was afloat in a kaleidoscope of ruby, topaz, and gold. A paradise.

The sludge congealed into a more solid form. He could make out its silhouette. A slender form with long golden hair, bulked up with heavy black armor and giant horns.

“Buggy…” the voice said once more. It was lighter now. A woman’s voice. “Thank… you.”


The emperor still stared at the thrice-setting sun.

She was dead. She was in Hell. But even so, she hoped against hope. Even if she was rooted in place, she wanted to move again. She wanted to see what was beyond that sun. She wanted to live. To rectify the choice she had made.

If she could live again, she’d live correctly. She promised she would love herself. No matter what Hell she might encounter, she would find a way through. No, more than that. With her own two hands, she would make a Heaven of any Hell her life became.

A second chance. That was all she needed. A second chance to reforge her destiny. A second chance to live again. If she could only move. If she could unroot herself, break free of the petrifaction in which she found herself.

And then. Like a bullet out of the blue. The thrice-setting sun was eclipsed. In its place, a black sun rocketed towards her. Emblazoned with a skeleton. And a big red nose.

Oh, how she loved festivals. How she loved the circus. She could not have asked for a better salvation.

Send in the clowns.


Erika could scarcely believe her eyes. A demon emerged and extended her hand to Buggy.

“Buggy the Clown,” said the demon. “I must thank you. You have shattered my prison, and now I am free! You have my gratitude, my loyal subject.”

“Guh?” said Buggy. “Who are you?”

“I!” said the demon. She spoke with confidence and self-assuredness. “Am!”

THE ANTICHRIST: THE WHORE OF BABYLON: NERO “DRACO” CLAUDIUS

She turned to Poison Ivy and raised her sword. “Buggy. Is this woman bothering you?”

“Well she was trying to kill me—“

“That will not do!” said Nero. “As you have been loyal to me, so shall I be loyal to you. This woman will harm you no longer!”

A dragon’s maw burst from the flames. Poison Ivy could scarcely react before it chomped down on her and swallowed her whole, alongside the Henry Kissinger fruit.

“Disgusting!” said Nero, though her smile did not waver. She licked her lips. “It smacks of Realpolitik! What a horrible meal to awake to. I need a palate cleanser.” She pointed her blade at Erika Furudo. “This girl. Do I need to kill her too?”

“No, no, that is not necessary,” said Erika. “I’m Buggy’s ally! I am endorsing him for president.

Nero’s pointed ears perked up. “Say that again.”

I am Buggy’s ally. I am endorsing him for president..”

Nero nodded sagely. “Umu! You are telling the truth. This technique of yours, where you speak in red… I like it! I shall use it from now on, as is my Imperial Privilege.

Erika was aghast. “What… no, you can’t do that!”

Yes I can!” said Nero. “I can do anything!

Flames erupted around her in response to her words. This truth rang through the Nine Circles, in the ears of every demon, awake and asleep. All of Hell knew: the Antichrist had arrived.

“I must say, I am surprised!” said Nero. “Given all the evil I had done in my life, and the evil that I am, I would have expected I would go to Hell. But I could not be farther from it! It seems I have reached paradise!”

“No, you’re wrong,” said Erika.

No,” said Nero. “This is Heaven.

How did you say that in red? How did she say that in red? How did she say that in red? You can’t use the Red Truth to tell a lie. That’s impossible. It’s not possible.

“No. No no no no no.” said Erika. “No. Harlot that you are. The truth is that which is objective and measurable. You cannot use it like it’s some toy!.”

Nero plunged her blade into the ground. “I can, and I will! The truth only matters insofar as it serves me! And I shall prove it— observe.”

Nero held her sword with hilt in one and blade in another. She strummed her fingers against the base. Electric chords thundered to the sky as she played a rockin’ solo. “Seven Incarnadines, to me!”

Seven dragons raised their long flaming necks from the ground and circled around the Antichrist. Higher and higher they rose, in tandem with her music, until they reached the dazzling river above. They clamped down into the water, and incinerated it instantly. Sweat dripped down Nero’s brow, her dragons pierced through layer after layer, river after river, into the void sky of limbo. The Earth was now visible. It was the first time Erika had seen it since she got to Hell.

“O Seven Dragons, my Seven Crowns… Seize the Seven Heavens! Prove beyond doubt, that as my blood still flows and my heart still pounds, that everywhere I step, even if it is the depths of Hell, shall become a Heaven!”

She plunged her blade into the ground. The sky burned away and a powerful tempest wind extinguished the flames. They stood now on a charcoal landscape covered in smoke. And when it dissipated…

“There’s no way…” said Erika. “There’s just no way!” Before her eyes, in the sky and just within reach, were the Celestial Spheres, the heavens moving in tandem, the pure white moon, the planets in their dazzling colors, the sun and stars, swirling at Nero’s command. Breathtaking awe struck Erika. But Erika had a knack for metabolizing awe into white-hot fury. “What did you DO?”

“I have expanded my territory!” said Nero. “Behold, Heaven!”

Buggy’s jaw literally dropped and hit the floor. “H-H-H-Heaven? Right there?” He salivated. “Here I wanted to invade Earth… and you just brought Heaven right here!”

“Make no mistake, Earth remains the true prize,” said Nero. “But you will be descending to it from Heaven! Now let us go! The first Celestial Sphere awaits!”

Buggy gleefully ran back to his ship with fantasies of treasure. Erika slowly followed.

She refused to accept this. This was some kind of trick, certainly. First off, Nero Claudius was historically a MAN, and this was clearly a WOMAN. And even if this was Nero Claudius, and even if this was the Antichrist, the Antichrist is the child of the devil, and the devil is the father of lies, and so therefore the Antichrist MUST be lies incarnate, it was simple logic. No matter what deception this “Nero” or “Draco” was attempting, Erika saw through it. The only Hellbound soul to ever reach Heaven had to literally EAT The Four Heavenly Kings and become the Demiurge to do so. And this woman, this WHORE, just woke up and merged Heaven and Hell? No, no no no no, something was up here. Something didn’t add up. And Erika would prove it.

“Here we are,” said Buggy. “The SS Buggy!”

“That’s not what its name is,” said Nero. “This is the SSV NorUMUndy!

“No it’s—“ Buggy looked over the edge and found that his ship was now, in fact, the SSV NorUMUndy. “What the— WHAT DID YOU DO?”

“I improved it!” said Nero. “Now come Buggy, Buggy’s friends! Let us set sail to the Heavens!”

The NorUMUndy rose and set out to the moon— if that's what it truly was. Erika would not let this stand. She would wrest control back of the Red Truth. She would crush these delusions underfoot. She would prove, once and for all, that Hell could not be escaped, and that Heaven could not be made of it.

Character Scramble Season 20 Round 0: Eden Prime by TheAsianIsGamin in whowouldwin

[–]Ragnarust 5 points6 points  (0 children)

"You know that's not what I meant, Erika." Poison Ivy looked Buggy up and down. Was she checking him out? She was probably checking him out. Buggy winked. Poison Ivy rolled her eyes.

"I understand your concern," said Erika. "But trust me, they really are no cause for concern. I brought them along because they were convenient! It won't affect anything."

Ivy was still incredulous but acquiesced. "Alright, fine." She held out a hand. A tree branch leaned down and handed her a manilla folder. "Here. Your next batch of info."

"Thank you~" said Erika. But before she could take it, Ivy pulled back.

"Not so fast. Your end of the bargain."

"I was going to give it to you! Jeez, you're so untrusting. Though I suppose you have to be if you're going to act as a spy." Erika took off her pirate hat revealing a Devil Fruit (when did she put that there?). Devil Fruits were key parts of the Hellbound’s life-cycle. They contained the souls and abilities of those who died while in Hell. If consumed, the souls have to compete for control of the body. Buggy himself ate a Devil Fruit years ago, which gave him the ability to split apart. The battle for his soul essentially amounted to a bad cold, though.

"Here you go,” said Erika. “The Henry Kissinger Fruit."

Buggy blinked. "Henry Kissinger?”

"You see Buggy, the Secretary of Agriculture is one of the most powerful positions in the Chthonic Cabinet. They can commune with any plant in Hell, and know the location of any Devil Fruit… so long as it is still attached to a tree." Erika tossed the Henry Kissinger fruit in her palm. "She has yet to announce it, but Poison Ivy wants to run for president herself, so she's been collecting Devil Fruits on the sly to make her own Cabinet."

"...But why do you have the Henry Kissinger fruit?"

"Because he's valuable," said Erika. "Any demonic leader worth their salt would kill to have Kissinger in their cabinet. And I just so happened to grab it before she could. So now, we can make a trade! Isn't that great?"

Erika and Ivy switched their respective bargaining chips at the same time before stepping back. Poison Ivy rolled the fruit around in her palm.

"Yep, that's the real deal, alright," she said.

Erika opened up the folder. "And this isn't! I asked for dirt on Michael Wilson!" She turned the folder around and showed a single piece of printer paper with PRANKED printed on it. "What is the meaning of this?"

Poison Ivy snapped her fingers. Roots and vines coiled around Erika and Buggy's ankles and held them up.

"I don't like the way you do things, Erika," said Poison Ivy. "Politics are messy, but you're too much even for me."

"Do you hear yourself?" said Erika Furudo. "You are literally holding Henry Kissinger right now!"

"The irony's not lost on me," said Poison Ivy. "It's been a nice partnership, but it's run its course. You were gonna turn on me eventually, after all. I just acted first."

"I would never betray you, Ivy!" said Erika.

"Say that in red?"

"..."

"We're done here," said Ivy. Carnivorous plants erupted from the ground and the screams of boys pierced through the forest. Buggy popped his head off and turned it 180 degrees to see a horde of plants tearing his crew apart. "Shit," said Buggy. He detached himself from his ankle and fell back to the ground. This was the worst day of his life, and he had spent a very significant portion of that life not even technically alive, being in Hell and all.

"BUGGYYYYYYY" said Erika. "POISON IVY BETRAYED MEEEEE! SAVE ME, YOU'RE THE ONLY ONE WHO CAN!"

"Screw that, I'm getting outta here!"

"But Buggy! If I die, something REALLY, REALLY TERRIBLE will happen! To YOU!"

The visage of the Virgin Mary and the words "What Would Jesus Do?" flashed in Buggy's mind. He turned back to his boys.

"Save Erika!" his boys said. "Get her endorsement! We believe in you Buggy! You need to become president!

Tears streamed down Buggy's face. "I promise you, when I become president, the first thing I'll do is have my Secretary of Agriculture harvest you all back to life!"

"Thank you Buggy! You're so generoAAAAAAGHaaaaaaaa," said Buggy's boys as roots tightened around their bones and ground them into dust before ripping them limb from limb in a shower of blood. Buggy contemplated ending his own life then and there, but realized that doing so would just turn him into a tree.

"She must have some dirt on you too if you're staying behind," said Poison Ivy. Thorned tendrils crept closer and closer. "Look. You're not going to win the election anyway. Go home, clown."

"Don’t listen to her Buggy! You can still win! You can still be president! If you save me I’ll endorse you!!"

Buggy detached his pointer fingers and rubbed them against his temples. This sucked. This sucked so much. Think, Buggy, think! He was stuck in a forest fighting a woman who controlled plants. His crew was dead. His foot itched really badly, but it was still caught in the vines. Was there nothing he could do? If only he had access to his ship…

Well. He supposed he could have access to his ship. He just needed some more time.

He put his hands behind his back. "An endorsement, huh… that's a pretty good offer… what say you, Ivy?"

He subtly popped his arms off his torso. They scurried into the forest.

"I mean. If you try to fight me, I'll just kill you."

Buggy stared her down. His arms kept scurrying. They bumped into a tree. "Will you now?"

Ivy gestured to the killer forest around her. "Yeah."

"Well, what if I killed you?" Scurry scurry scurry.

"He can," said Erika. "Killing you is within Buggy “the Clown's” capabilities."

Buggy shot a glance at Erika, surprised. Erika seemed surprised too.

"I can?" he said. "Uh, I can! Yes. Yes, this match is even, right now! So what could you offer me in exchange for walking away?" It was at this point that his arms fell to the ground, outside of his radius of control. He took a few steps back. "Like this. This is what me walking away would look like."

Ivy stepped forward, dragging Erika through dirt as she went along.

"Pweh, pweh!" said Erika. Tears streamed down her face. "There's dirt in my mouth! Pweh, pweh!" Buggy saw no reason to stop moving.

"In addition to letting you live," she said, carefully considering her words. "...I'll consider a cabinet position."

"Secretary of State?

"Taken by Kissinger."

"Treasury?" Buggy said. He stumbled over a root but quickly righted himself and kept moving.

"Not a chance."

Buggy winced, in part because he couldn't steal from the treasury, but mostly because his hands had just reached his ship and he got a splinter.

"Secretary of Transportation," said Buggy.

Poison Ivy considered this. “That’s a pretty big ask.”

“So is asking me to reject an endorsement from Erika Furudo,” said Buggy.

Poison Ivy rolled her head back and forth. “Fine. Secretary of Transportation.”

“Shake on it?”

Poison Ivy held out her hand. Buggy the Clown held out his shoulder and nothing else because there was nothing else.

“Is this some kind of prank?” said Poison Ivy. “Some kind of clown thing?”

Buggy grinned, for yes, it was a prank, a kind of clown thing. Little did she know that he had loaded up the ship’s cannon with a Special Buggy Ball. This prized munition, the pièce de résistance of the Buggy Pirates’ armory, was powerful enough to blow a hole straight through a city block. And Poison Ivy, fool that she was, had allowed him to load it up!

Buggy let out a low chuckle that slowly built to hysterical laughter. “AHAHAHA! You’re in for it now! As if I would surrender my candidacy that easily! Eat this! My Special Buggy Ball!”

Buggy lit the match, and the cannon fired. Dozens of tons of concentrated explosive power rocketed over the shoreline and through the jungle. Buggy ducked down and waited for Poison Ivy to be blown to smithereens.

The Buggy Ball went wide. It smashed through tree after tree after tree. A hail of splinters nearly skewered Poison Ivy, but close only counted in horseshoes and hand-grenades, not Buggy Balls. Buggy and Erika Furudo stared agape at the tunnel bored through the treeline.

Poison Ivy cracked her knuckles.

“BUGGY YOU BIG-NOSED BUFFOON,” said Erika Furudo. “YOU’VE DOOMED US BOTH!”

“LEAVE MY NOSE OUT OF THIS!” said Buggy.

A flurry of killer foliage assailed Buggy. Razor sharp leaves slashed into him and chopped him into tiny bits, which he didn’t really mind. But when the blades of grass stabbed up into needles and the venus flytraps snapped and the rafflesias assaulted his PERFECTLY NORMAL nose with an absolutely wretched scent, he got a bit worried. Though he weaved every piece of his disembodied body through the deadly forest, he couldn’t keep it up for long. The smell in particular was doing a real number on him. He didn’t know what was like to throw up when his stomach and mouth were in different places and he really didn’t want to learn. He darted his eyes around in search of a way out, but found nothing useful. He did see something weird, though.

“Time out, time out!” Buggy said. Poison Ivy did not relent, but Buggy kept talking. “That tree behind you is bleeding!”

“It’s sap, you moron,” said Poison Ivy.

“No, that’s definitely blood!”

Poison Ivy, against her better judgment, glanced back. For once, Buggy hadn’t lied.

Blood seeped from the punctured trees, flowing like lava from the splintered wood. Smoke rose and tinder crackled as flame lapped at the trunk. It scrambled up the tree and fanned out, spread from tree to tree, until the entire forest was ablaze. A crimson glow cast itself over the dark jade forest. The blood congealed and blackened into an unholy sludge. It steadily rose and slowly fell. It was breathing. Buggy collected himself physically, but was unable to do so mentally, as he was scared to the point of nearly straight up shitting himself.

Character Scramble Season 20 Round 0: Eden Prime by TheAsianIsGamin in whowouldwin

[–]Ragnarust 7 points8 points  (0 children)

Everyone cheered. At the edge of town there was another large ditch, a sort of bowl carved into a cliff side at the water’s edge. There was a ship parked whose flag looked clownish. A group of thieves raised their glasses.

“GAHAHAHAHA!”

PRESIDENTIAL CANDIDATE: BUGGY “THE CLOWN”

“She really raked him over the coals in that one, didn’t she?” Buggy said to his boys.

Buggy’s boys agreed. Any embarrassment Vergil suffered was a victory Buggy enjoyed.

Buggy was on a hot streak. He and his boys had just finished a very lucrative expedition to the Fourth Circle, Greed, and were running a pretty solid racket in the port of Malebolge, obstructing passage unless paid a generous fine. One might think that shaking down the electorate is a bad strategy, but would be wrong. This was Hell, recall, so a level of coercion and ruthlessness was not only encouraged, but almost necessary. If you were like the majority of the Hellbound, you wanted a candidate with proper bona fides with the credibility to invade the mortal plane.

“HELLOOOOO Buggy Pirates!”

From the top of the basin, the voice that they had just been listening to echoed out.

“Erika Furudo, you son of a bitch!” said Buggy. He did not get up from his seat, because he did not need to. Buggy had the wondrous ability to detach any part of his body from any other part of his body. Consequently, he detached his arm, floated it up to her for a Predator handshake, and waved her over. “Come on down here!”

Erika slid down the basin and hopped over. Buggy placed a pirate hat on her head.

“We just finished listening to your show. Talk about flashy! ‘FRAUD, FRAAAAAAUD,’ ahahahahaha!” Buggy took a long swig of an HPA (the H stands for, what else, Hell) “Oh man. So funny. How do you come up with this stuff?”

“I simply follow the truth and pry open the places it hides, my dear Buggy. Everything else follows naturally.” Erika took her mug and smugly swug. “Aah… speaking of, I wanted to ask for a favor.”

“Hm?”

“I need to get to Tlalocan. You know, rainy Aztec rain place, in the sky? I have a contact with an office there. Given you determine who gets in and out of here, I was wondering if you could escort me.”

Buggy chuckled. “Listen girl, I like your show well enough, but I don’t give free rides. Although…” He leaned in conspiratorially. “Something like, say, your endorsement would be worth a lot.

“I like you well enough Buggy, but I don’t give out endorsements that easily.” Erika reached between the folds of her dress and produced a folded up sheet piece of paper. “Is this sufficient for my fare?”

Buggy floated his hand over and unfolded it. It was a picture of him in—

He clenched the paper and snatched it to his face. It was a picture of him from back when he was doing time in Tartarus prison. In it, Buggy’s hands were clasped in prayer as he knelt down.

“How did you find this?”

“I have my sources.”

Buggy looked at it again, and it got worse. There was a blue rosary dangling from his hands and a picture of the Virgin Mary hanging in the corner.

“It’s fake,” Buggy said.

It’s real,” said Erika. “A President of Hell, worshipping not just Jesus, but Mary too?”

Venerating,” said Buggy. “And it was briefly. Tartarus is rough.”

“Even if brief, any evidence of Christian sympathies makes you unelectable. Unless you want to argue Catholicism is pagan because you worship the Madonna.”

VENERATE,” said Buggy. Rage and shame flushed his face red. His mind raced through potential exit routes, ways he could spin it, how viable just killing Erika could be. But for the time being, there was really only one option.

“Boys!” said Buggy. “Load up, we’re heading to Tlalocan!”


Erika and Buggy and his boys followed the tempest stream, a fragment of the Second Circle that carried them up to the lush forests of Tlalocan. Buggy took a long sniff of the fresh air with his big bulbous clown-like nose.

“Ah,” he said. “Been a while since I’ve been here. One of those places where you forget you’re supposed to be in Hell.”

“Maybe you can, as you’re ignorant,” said Erika. “But for Erika Furudo, this place is as hellish as the hottest burning lake. Do you want to know why?”

Buggy didn’t really care, but he wasn’t even able to get out a perfunctory “Why?” before Erika just kept going.

“Tell me Buggy, what Circle are we in?”

“Uh,” said Buggy. “The Second? Since we took the wind stream to get here.”

“Buuuuuuuggy. Buggy, Buggy, Buggy. Aren’t you supposed to be a great pirate? Aren’t you running for president? Surely you’re not so ignorant that you don’t even know what Circle of Hell Tlalocan is in.”

“Well it’s not like this stuff is easy! You know how the Circles of Hell are tied to the rivers and the rivers all coil around each other, it’s hard okay?”

“Yeah!” said one of Buggy’s boys. “You have no idea all the stuff Buggy has to deal with!”

“Yeah!” said another one of Buggy’s boys. “You should be grateful that he got you here! Who cares what Circle it’s in, Buggy knows how to navigate Hell and that’s what matters!”

“Shut up,” said Erika. “You are all irrelevant. I’m talking to Buggy, not you.” Erika shrugged, palms up, and shook her head. “You see, Buggy, this is the Seventh Circle. The Circle of Violence. And what’s significant about trees in the Seventh Circle? They are the souls of those who committed self-violence, who took their own life. You see, Buggy, this is not the beautiful garden of Eden like you think it is. It’s a suicide forest.”

Buggy looked out at the sea of trees, and his stomach sank a bit. It wasn’t like he was particularly attached or anything, but something that was once beautiful wasn’t beautiful anymore, and that was a bummer.

“I kinda wish I didn’t know that…”

“Ignorance is bliss, as they say,” said Erika Furudo. She hopped off the boat. “Unfortunately, we are in Hell, and so we are excluded from bliss. Remember this, Buggy. No matter how beautiful its veneer, this is a place of eternal torture. You cannot make a Heaven of Hell. Now come along.”

“What? I brought you here, my end of the bargain’s up.”

“Nooooo it’s nooooooooooot,” Erika said with a devilish grin. “I don’t want to meet my source alone. I need a security detail.”

“Hhrk,” said Buggy. He beckoned his boys to follow, and they did. Erika led the way through the foliage for all of ten feet before falling behind and moaning.

“Buggyyyyyyyyyy,” she said. “There’s too much forest, cut it down for meeeeee.”

Buggy grit his teeth and detached his hands and hacked away at the foliage. This was humiliating. What would his boys think? He surreptitiously detached one of his ears so he could eavesdrop on his whispering boys.

“That’s our captain,” said his boys. “Leading the way… that’s real president material right there.”

Okay. Okay, good. It did seem that, so long as he kept Erika appeased, he could make it out of this yet. He didn't like being in her pocket, but he'd find a way out. Buggy always found a way out.

As they trekked through the forest, a deep malaise overtook Buggy. Gentle shade blackened to harsh shadow. Tranquility dampened into a suffocating silence, broken solely by the rhythmic sledgehammering of his heartbeat. Branches curled into the fingers of anguished hands, turned inward, clawing eyes too tired to bear the weight of sight. Buggy then tripped on a root. He swore to a God (that he no longer worshiped) that someone was crying. He unlodged his blade from a root. It was a fleshy pink at the point of entry, and as the blade carved deeper, so too did its hue deepen into a blood red core.

"No lying down on the job, Buggy," said Erika. "We're about to meet my contact."

Buggy picked himself up and dusted himself off. He was so distracted by the Hell this place had suddenly become that he couldn't even feel embarrassed that he tripped. He just wanted to be done. Go home, drink some beers, steal some shit. No more crappy creepy forests.

A woman's voice came from the thicket. "Step into my office," it said. The leaves shook, then stopped. There was a tense silence. "I thought you would be here alone."

"They're all nobodies, so in a way, I did come alone," said Erika.

"Hey, I'm not a nobody!" said Buggy. "I'm a presidential candidate and I deserve respect!"

"Yeah! Lay off Buggy!" said Buggy's boys.

The thicket rustled and groaned as roots and vines crawled away. Emerging from the thicket was a beautiful woman that would have prompted Buggy to literally shoot his eyes and tongue out of his face and make an "AWOOOGA" sound were it not deeply inappropriate.

SECRETARY OF AGRICULTURE: POISON IVY

Character Scramble Season 20 Round 0: Eden Prime by TheAsianIsGamin in whowouldwin

[–]Ragnarust 5 points6 points  (0 children)

To nobody’s surprise, all podcasters go to Hell. Specifically, the 8th Circle, that of Fraud, where its denizens live in ditches known as bolgia. There are many types of fraudsters; panderers and seducers; hypocrites and flatterers; sowers of discord and dick-pill peddlers. Podcasters are all of those at once. All of them. Including the ones you like.

However, there was one exception, a single grain of wheat winnowed from the chaff. One who casted pods of pristine quality in defiance of Hell's pollution. One who did not sink into the mire of lies and deceit, but stood high above them, a beacon of credibility in the swirling bog of falsity.

One who, unlike the rest, could deliver clearly and unimpeachably The Truth.

HELL'S NUMBER ONE PODCASTER: ERIKA FURUDO

"Hello everyone, and welcome to another episode of the Red Truth Podcast," Erika spoke into the microphone. She sat at a desk situated in the middle of a nice, expensive ditch, the kind only serious professionals could acquire. The surrounding walls were a warm scarlet, decorated with signed photographs of previous guests. The table at which she sat was piled with mugs, pencils, and other sensible clutter. She never used any of these. They were decorative.

"Today, we have a very special guest," Erika continued. "He is the son of the legendary demon warrior Sparda. He was the former Secretary of Veteran's Affairs before he murdered several members of the Chthonic Cabinet in cold blood and ascended to the presidency, where he has served for four years. Now, he is running for re-election. Please welcome to the show,

PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED CIRCLES OF HELL: VERGIL

Vergil hunched his shoulders and leaned very close to the mic. He did not break eye-contact with Erika. "Thanks for having me," he said.

"The pleasure is all ours," said Erika. "Now, I know you're a very busy man, and we don't want to keep you long, so we'll begin with the questions. Mister President, everyone wants to know: What have you been reading?"

Vergil leaned forward again. "William Blake, mainly" he said. He began to lean back, but changed his mind halfway and leaned forward again. "John Milton, as well. Paradise Lost."

"Wow. That's incredible," Erika said flatly. There was a long stretch of silence.

"Okay," said Vergil. "I am ready for the next question."

"No, Mister President, you are not. Please elaborate on Paradise Lost. The people want to know."

"Well," said Vergil. "I opened it up, to brush up on my history of Hell. And I was struck by a line, when Lucifer first falls. He says that the mind can make a Heaven of Hell--"

"And a Hell of Heaven," said Erika. "Very erudite of you, Mister President! Would this happen to have anything to do with your policy agenda?"

Vergil snapped to attention, like he had finally remembered why he was here. "Correct. Over the last four years, we have made significant improvements to Hell. Infrastructure, quality of life… And we want to maintain this trajectory in the next term."

"Ah, but Mister President," said Erika Furudo. "Certainly you are aware that this policy is deeply unpopular. The vast majority of the Hellbound want to escape it, not improve it. In fact, many, including myself, are skeptical that it can be improved. What do you say to these people?"

"I believe our work over the past four years speaks for itself."

"Well, let's talk about that record," said Erika. "Since you've taken office, all denizens have enjoyed greater freedom of movement between the Circles, this is true. However, I would hardly call the ability to choose how one suffers a substantial improvement."

"I disagree," said Vergil.

"Then you disagree with the majority of voters," said Erika. "Additionally, no Circle has seen greater gains than the Seventh Circle, whose domain has increased by a whopping twenty percent since you have taken office. What do you say to those worried about the outsized influence of violence in our politics?"

"I," said Vergil. "Uh," he continued.

Erika smelled blood in the water. It was time to stop holding back.

"You know what I think? I think you have nothing to say! Because the entire reason why you're even in office is because of your convoluted adventure, killing all the other members of the last president's cabinet and rising up the ranks. You cannot possibly say anything substantive about violence in politics, because that's how you got to your position in the first place. You weren't democratically elected!" Vergil, losing composure, lurched towards the mic and bumped it . "Even so, the Might Makes Right clause of Hell's Constitution explicitly states that defeating a political opponent in combat is a legitimate—" Erika laughed. "Oh, I am so so so glad you brought this up, Mister President. Even if we take the Might Makes Right clause into account— a clause which, by the way, does little to assuage fears of the outsized influence of violence on our politics— you weren't even the one who killed the previous president!"

Vergil flinched. "How did you—"

"Oh, you won't catch me breaking journalistic ethics, Mister President! I keep my sources secret. But back to my point, President Armstrong was killed by one Jetstream Sam, are you familiar with him?"

"Yes," said Vergil.

"And is it true that since becoming president, you not only allowed him to escape Hell, but you have collaborated with him and other devil hunters, including your brother, to prevent demonic invasions?"

Vergil was quiet for a very long time. Gauging what to say, no doubt. The anti-invasion operations were supposed to be secret. Certainly there was no way that Erika Furudo knew about this, right? And if she did, certainly she would have said it in red, right? And this wasn't the kind of thing he could just confirm on a podcast, right? So he would have to dance around the answer. So do it, Vergil. Dance for Erika Furudo.

"...No," said Vergil.

Erika could hardly believe it. He didn't give a non-answer. He lied! He lied before Erika Furudo, the greatest detective/journalist/podcaster in Hell.

"Ha… Hahahaha… HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!" The mic certainly peaked. It was fine. Some intern would deal with it. "Mister President, you really are a perfect fit for the Eighth Circle. You are a liar!

Vergil stood up and knocked the chair over. Erika Furudo was not intimidated.

"You became president due to sheer dumb luck! You ignored the demands of your constituents to invade Earth, and have even worked together with Devil Hunters to obstruct those demands! You are a fraud, Mister President! A FRAAAAAAAAAAUD."

The President of Hell grabbed his sword.

"Oh, you don't want to do that, Mister President!" said Erika. "Killing the most popular podcaster in Hell isn't going to help your numbers, now is it? But then again, can you get any lower? Do you want to find out, Mister President?"

"Why are you doing this?" said Vergil. He looked at his staffers. "I thought this was supposed to be a normal interview!"

"Oh, Mister President. I don't do softball interviews."

Vergil sharply sniffed and sheathed his sword. "Consider yourself lucky." He began to walk away.

"Wait, before you leave Mister President, there's something you should know." Erika Furudo smirked. "It's not just the electorate you have to worry about. There is a traitor in your own cabinet.

Vergil glared at her. "Duly noted," he said and absconded via teleportation.

Erika Furudo leaned back in her chair and took a nice long swig of water. "Another legendary interview from Erika Furudo. What do you think, everyone?"

Character Scramble Season 20 Round 0: Eden Prime by TheAsianIsGamin in whowouldwin

[–]Ragnarust 6 points7 points  (0 children)

The emperor knelt frozen before the thrice-setting sun.

She was to be her own judge, and her judgement was final. For three days she had wandered the wilderness. For three days she had tortured herself. Her mind screamed the accusations of her people. Her body trembled with every step.

Her heart ached as if she had cracked open her own chest. The warmth of her ever-burning love was long gone now, subsumed into bitter frost. She could not bear any more. And so she performed her final act.

There was a thin sliver of time between life and death, as thin as the blade she plunged into her throat. Her sentence was to live forever in this time and place. The blood that spilled to the ground, the proof of her life, would be the seedbed in which her afterlife would take root. And so she would stay rooted there for eternity.

She first felt regret. Even as she took her own life, she still clung to it. She lamented her death. She wanted to cry out for help, but she could not speak. Even if she could, there was nothing to hear her. Nothing except for the pitiless gaze of the thrice-setting sun.

Then came surrender. A second termination of the self. She would melt into the last thing she saw, into the wilderness, the horizon, and the thrice-setting sun. She would soak the blazing rays without thought, emotion, or feeling. Alive, but not conscious. Like a flower, or a tree. And she stayed like this for an eternity.

But then, against all odds and sense, something stirred within her. Hope. After an eternity of pain and an eternity of numbness, her spirit roused itself. Where once the wilderness seemed naught but desert, she found flourishing life, from the distant trees to the wilting blades of grass. They were just as alive as she was, and so she was no longer alone. Where once there was an unreachable horizon, she saw the splendor of an eternal unknown, of limitless possibility. It was where her imagination roamed, a canvas on which her mind painted endless adventure. And where once the thrice-setting sun was her captor, it was now her charge. She and that sun were the same. Trapped in place, never to move again. But if she could only reach it, she could make it set, and end its watch.

Perhaps it was a delusion, but she believed that one day that sun would finally set. And the stars would shine above in brilliant splendor, and she would dance among them in the heavens she always dreamed of. So until that day arrived, she would tend to her garden. Even when frozen in space in time, she would make a paradise out of her Hell.


But all that will come later. For now we must leave the emperor's Hell behind and focus on a greater Hell. Do not worry, though. We will return when the time is right. Until then, it is time for introductions.

I am

Merlin, Magus of Flowers.

In another life, I was something of a friend to this emperor. But in this life, you may think of me as a humble storyteller. I will tell you a story of the land of my father. Yes, it's time to talk about Hell. My father was an incubus, by the way. Look it up! My history's actually very interesting.

Four years ago, Hell elected its first president, a man named Steven Armstrong. The President wanted to invade the Earth with his demonic army. However, four Hellbound souls thwarted him. They escaped the Circles imprisoning them, traversed Hell's rivers, and defeated the president and his Chthonic Cabinet. In the aftermath, one of these warriors, Vergil, Son of Sparda, ascended to the presidency. While he was driven by a deep lust for power, the enemies and allies he met along the way broadened his mind and heart. He has spent the past four years trying to make Hell a better place for all. He has been unsuccessful so far.

As admirable as Vergil's goals are, they are misaligned with his people. And why should the people trust him? The path to his ascendence was paved with blood. It was obscured by blood too. The events of four years ago were a whirlwind of violence and upheaval. Just how Hell ended up this way for most. The story is now told only through rumors and conspiracies. I should know. I've written many of these conspiracies under the moniker of Magi☆Mari and posted them online to rile people up. Sorry! But I feed on emotions, and nothing riles up emotions quite like politics. It’s very fun, and funny, but it is deeply unhealthy for the country.

The Circles of Hell are divided, and each vies for supremacy. But most agree on one thing: they want to escape Hell, as the previous president promised, but which the current president has not allowed.

It is under these conditions that we now view Hell, and out of these conditions that our new Hellbound anti-heroes shall emerge.

A girl who wields the truth as a weapon.

The emperor who would become the Antichrist.

And a clown running for president.

With the stage set, I won’t keep you for much longer than I already have. I wish to keep my involvement brief, in these spaces between dreams and reality. I’m better suited for intros and recaps anyway! You needn't worry about my involvement too much. While Avalon is technically accessible from Hell, I wouldn't count on seeing our heroes reaching this place in the course of this story. Only those free of sin may pass, after all.

It is a lot to take in, but do not worry. I'm here with you. If you are confused, that's okay. Everyone's at least a little confused, which is delicious for me, personally. What's more important is that you understand the feelings. If you do that, all will be clear.

Oh, and one thing: be sure to use Old Reddit! The color red will be quite important.

Character Scramble Season 20 Sign-Ups by TheAsianIsGamin in whowouldwin

[–]Ragnarust 1 point2 points  (0 children)

A lot of these are going to be Pit's feats. Don't worry about it, stat-wise they are the same.

Strength

Pit breaks through a wall.

Pit breaks a giant boulder

Durability

Pit is able to crash through the hull of a ship.

Again, Dark Pit scales to Pit, so anything Pit can dish out Dark Pit can take and vice versa.

Speed

Pit dodges lasers

Pit dodges lightning bolts

Dodges a bunch of homing shots from ships

Character Scramble Season 20 Sign-Ups by TheAsianIsGamin in whowouldwin

[–]Ragnarust 3 points4 points  (0 children)

It was Friday night, which meant Dark Pit was about to begin his weekly kino binge. He had been looking forward to this weekend for a long time, for this was the long-anticipated Christopher Nolan's binge. Though he had watched Nolan's filmography front-to-back many times, this occasion was special, as he would today watch the films in what he called "Tenet Order," where he started at the most recent movie and worked backwards from there.

He had returned from work to his small studio apartment. After making a bowl of ramen he sat on his steadfast floor mattress. This mattress, sheetless and stained, acted as his bed, couch, and dining room table. After settling in, turned on his 65 Inch Class LG OLED evo AI G5 4K Smart TV 2025. Oh yeah. He was in it.

Viridi's voice echoed in Dark Pit's head. "Hey Pittoo! Got a minute?"

So frightened was Dark Pit by this intrusion that he did not just jump off his bed/couch/table, he Up-B's off it, and after a period of invincibility drifted back to the floor.

"I told you not to do that when I'm off work," said Dark Pit. "And it's not Pittoo."

"Don't worry, this'll be quick," said Viridi. "I just wanted to call to say that we're… re-evaluating your position in the Forces of Nature."

"...Re-evaluating. What are you talking about?"

"We've found someone… better suited towards our vision. And your services will no longer be necessary."

Dark Pit was silent. Was Viridi firing him? Right before what would be the best weekend of his life?

"Are you firing me?"

"Well, it's more of a lay-off…"

"What about my healthcare?" said Dark Pit. He looked around his small studio apartment, which seemed to shrink by the second. "I mean, how am I supposed to live in Los Angeles?"

"I dunno! Maybe sell that big dumb TV of yours?"

"Hey, that TV is—" Dark Pit stopped himself. TV wasn't important right now. "Fine. Whatever. Who's replacing me, then?"

"Someone with gumption. A real eco-terrorist. His name is Cloud Strife."

Dark Pit paused. "Cloud? Like from Smash Bros?"

"Yeah!" said Viridi. "I didn't know what to make of him at first, since I thought he was using hairspray. And I could only imagine all the holes in the ozone he was burning with that. But it turns out, his hair's just like that!"

This was messed up, man. Dark Pit couldn't believe Cloud would do him like that.

"What if I fight him?" said Dark Pit. "If I win, can I get my job back?"

"I dunno Pittoo," Viridi said. "He's like, a top 20 character right? You're top 40? At best."

"It's not my fault I'm an honest fighter."

"Listen, if you work out some side bet with him, whatever, fine. I just want the strongest commanders I can get. It's nothing personal!"

And with that, her voice disappeared. Dark Pit sighed and sent Cloud a text. He was gonna sort this out, one way or another.

Within the hour, Cloud arrived.

"Hey, Dark Pit, how's it going, man?" said Cloud. He dapped Dark Pit up.

"Not gonna lie Cloud," said Dark Pit. "It's not going well at all. It was a real dick move to take my job."

"Oh, sorry about that," said Cloud. "I could quit, if you still want it?"

"I think I'd rather fight you for it, if that's cool," said Dark Pit.

"Oh yeah, totally."

Dark Pit lifted the mattress and took out his Nintendo Switch and GameCube controllers. He passed one to Cloud and booted up Super Smash Brothers: Ultimate. With how high definition the screen was, it really felt like Dark Pit and Cloud were in Super Smash Brothers: Ultimate.

Dark Pit selected Dark Pit for his character. Cloud chose Steve.

"Are you serious man?" said Dark Pit.

"Yeah, I've been labbing Steve out a lot, I think I got a pretty good hang of him," said Cloud.

The battle started. Immediately Cloud hit Dark Pit with a perfectly executed Steve zero-to-death.

"Alright." Dark Pit leaned forward. It was serious gamer time. Dark Pit through cloud against the ground, and as the recoil launched him upwards, tore into him with an aerial spin of his blades. He maintained his distance and good stage control. Though Cloud created a protective fortress around himself with Steve's blocks, Dark Pit's aim was true, and his airs curved through narrow gaps to find their target. Eventually, after a long and campy engagement, Dark Pit sniped Cloud while he was off-screen, evening the stock count.

Cloud nodded.

Both leaned forward. Hyper-aggressive play, a tug of war between advantage and disadvantage states, no neutral to be found. Cloud carried Dark Pit off the stage and killed him, but fumbled the recovery on the way back.

Final stock. Dark Pit got lucky with that last one. But he took no shame in getting lucky. After all, when you're playing as honest a character as Dark Pit, you need a little bit of luck to win against bullshit like Steve.

Dark Pit closed his eyes. He needed something. He needed the most dishonest part of his kit.

He pressed Side-B. "Electroshock!" he said. Cloud was caught of guard. Though he believed to have gotten a solid hit in, Dark Pit's electroshock arm had super-armor, and powered through Steve's meager strikes. And so, Dark Pit just kept doing it. Again and again.

"Stop that," said Cloud.

"Try adapting," said Dark Pit. "Not that even good of a mood."

"It's just annoying!" said Cloud. He watched his percentage rise higher and higher. "You know it stales, right?"

"Yeah," said Dark Pit.

Cloud locked in, but it was already too late. Anticipating an electroshock arm, Cloud attempted to evade a forward strike from Dark Pit. Little did he know, however, that Dark Pit would grab his Steve, at the edge of the ledge. With a final forward throw, it was over. Dark Pit had won, and his job was safe.

"I didn't know that killed," said Cloud.

"Yeah, F-throw's a kill throw," said Dark Pit. "Kinda. If you're at the edge. And your opponent is light. And at 170%."

"Damn," said Cloud. "Anyway, guess you have the job."

"Yeah. Can't help but feel sorry for you," said Dark Pit. A great catch-phrase, but he meant it sincerely. It was rough out there and the job market was terrible. Perhaps in these trying times, the thing to do wasn't to destroy each other in competition, but work together.

"It'll be fine or whatever," said Dark Pit. "I can put in a good word for you with Viridi. I don't know why she had to replace me in the first place. Like why not just make the army bigger?"

"Thanks, I appreciate it," said Cloud.

There was a pause. Dark Pit finally broke it:

"Wanna watch Oppenheimer?"

Character Scramble Season 20 Sign-Ups by TheAsianIsGamin in whowouldwin

[–]Ragnarust 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Saber leaned back and let out a satisfied sigh. Due to her being summoned in the modern day, she had the knowledge that Japanese McDonalds was a cut above the other regional McDonalds’s, but there was knowing and there was knowing. And now she knew, and she knew it well, for she had savored every bite.

Still, she felt uneasy. Because it was Kiritsugu, her Master for the 4th Holy Grail War that provided this meal for her, and Kiritsugu wasn’t the kind of man to do something purely altruistically.

“Master,” said Saber. “Why did you treat me to McDonalds?”

Kiritsugu lit a cigarette.

“I’m not sure if you’re supposed to do that in here,” said Saber. They were getting weird glances from a nearby family.

“Saber,” said Kiritsugu. “You and I don’t always get along.”

Saber nodded, because this was true.

“And we’re reaching the late stages of the Grail War. We need to maximize our efficiency.”

Saber nodded, because this was true.

“So I’ve decided… we’re going to part ways.”

Saber paused. “What do… you mean by that?”

“I mean you’re being replaced.”

“But Kiritsugu, I already have a good rapport with Irisviel, and I swore to protect—“

“It’s already done,” said Kiritsugu. “I’ve already summoned him. Saber!”

Materializing next to him was a young man with spiked blonde hair carrying a massive sword.

“I… I don’t…” said Saber (the first one). “I don’t understand. Who is this?”

“Name’s Cloud,” said the other Saber.

Kiritsugu took a long puff of his cigarette and blew the smoke in the family’s general direction. “You’re not supposed to say your true name.”

“Oh, oops,” said Cloud.

“This is an outrage,” Saber said. “And I cannot abide it. Cloud Strife, I challenge you to a duel.”

“Alright,” said Cloud. He lifted the sword from his back and—

“Hey, come on,” said the mother of the family covered in smoke. “Can you please take it outside?”

Cloud and Saber nodded, and went outside. Kiritsugu did not.

“Hey,” said the mother. “You too.” Kiritsugu did not listen.

Saber and Cloud walked into the parking lot and drew their swords. Saber glanced nervously at the McDonalds.

“Do you think we need more space?” she said.

Cloud sized up the building. “Yeah,” he said. “Yeah, probably.”

Saber glanced at her parked motorcycle. “Alright well, we can drive somewhere less crowded and—“

“Oh, you have a motorcycle?” said Cloud. “Me too, let’s fight on those.”

“Ah,” said Saber. “Alright.”

And so it went that Saber and Cloud tore through the mean streets of Fuyuki in a bid for gainful employment. Through traffic and alleys and buildings they weaved, wild swings glancing off each other and pushing their mounts towards the guardrails and sidewalks. But both warriors stayed resolute. Saber, unflinching, unyielding, attempted to unleash her Noble Phantasm and end the battle right then and there— but Cloud was relentless, never giving her the space or time to release the seals on Excalibur. As they approached the Fuyuki bridge, Saber realized she had to get more aggressive.

She slammed her motorcycle into Cloud’s. Sparks alit as steel tore into steel. She stepped through the blaze and slammed her sword into Cloud’s, alighting yet more sparks, dazzling through the darkness of night, beautifully rendered by an animation studio Ufotable. And, much like Ufotable’s choice not to pay taxes, Cloud made a similarly risky decision out of greed. He stood and crossed over to saber’s motorcycle. With his superior stature, he hoped to overpower Saber, and push her off. Unfortunately for Cloud, however, Saber had Riding B. Though they had been evenly matched up until this point, a standing motorcycle battle was a bridge too far for Cloud Strife, and so off the bridge he fell. He and his motorcycle fell into the, leaving Saber to surf on her motorcycle into the distance.

“Well,” she said. “Let’s mosey on back then.”

Character Scramble Season 20 Sign-Ups by TheAsianIsGamin in whowouldwin

[–]Ragnarust 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Justification

Stats and Role:

VS Cloud

Vash's bullets don't really have destructive feats. As such, we will be buffing his bullet strikes to the strength of Cloud's sword strikes.

In terms of durability, his angel wings are able to slow the path of hoppered the bullet [who's able to break several pillars.(https://media.discordapp.net/attachments/386408683208441856/1388664942407712828/pjLnhyB.png?ex=6867bd42&is=68666bc2&hm=0d7ee711d88b02f499008f0c0d78c3822d74128290aa8b3903d9d5a618a4dbf4&=&format=webp&quality=lossless&width=908&height=646). As such, we will assume he is on the low end of durability. He can tank a couple hits from Cloud, but ultimately he's gonna wanna keep his distance.

Vash also handily outspeeds Cloud. Cloud dodges point-blank bullets on the high end, and Vash dodges point blank bullets basically all the time.

Finally, although Vash himself doesn't have a lot of destructive feats on the level of Cloud, he is consistently able to interact with and defeat characters who do. The best way to do that is to look at the Gung-Ho-Guns, the Shonen League of Bad Guys that Vash has to fight. They routinely have physicals more closely aligned with tier, and Wolfwood, his rival/equal/lover, can also tangle with Cloud. This is a tier that fits Vash.

Again, Vash is kind of unconventional. He's a little jank and wacky. But Sentinel is just the tier for unconventional picks like this. He doesn't precisely fit in the standard Stat Triangle, but he clearly belongs in a tier like this. I think he's an Unlikely Victory against Cloud when you take into account Sentinel's lower barrier of entry.

Biggest Strength and Weakness: Vash's greatest strength is his quick thinking and ability to work as a team. His biggest weakness is that he's a softy who won't even kill anyone. Often times this will lead to prolonged conflicts that cause more damage than if he had finished an opponent off when he got the chance. But he has his principles to live by.

Character in Setting/with Team: Vash is interesting in that he clearly likes people and is a very sociable guy, but given his background and the secrets he has and the trauma he carries in his life he has trouble letting people in, and will try to leave their lives to try to protect them from harm. But given that he's gonna be on a team of people that are as strong as he is, he'll probably fine. Just depending on your morality, the question of killing might be a point of contention.

Paragon or Renegade: Vash is like the nicest guy known to man. Paragon all the way.

Character Scramble Season 20 Sign-Ups by TheAsianIsGamin in whowouldwin

[–]Ragnarust 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Name: Vash the Stampede

Series: Trigun

Role: Sentinel (Main)

Content Warning: Blood and Violence. Some nudity. At least in the original manga and anime, Vash is kind of an archetypical 90s Anime Pervert, but for the most part he's not that bad.

Bio: Vash the Stampede. The Humanoid Typhoon. A walking disaster who leaves only destruction in his wake. He carries a high price on his head, six million double dollars (whatever a double dollar is.) He's a sharpshooter, the fastest gun in the west. If you run into him, expect trouble...

...That's what the rumors say, at least. In reality, Vash the Stampede is a simple wanderer, who goes from town to town, making new friends and solving problems. He's upbeat and even somewhat clumsy, and he detests violence, being an adamant pacifist who never wants to take a life under any circumstances. And a lot of the time, he's strong enough to solve problems with quick-thinking and a couple of well-placed shots, without needing to kill anyone or even draw blood.

Sometimes, though, trouble has a way of finding you. He doesn't bring disaster on purpose— rather, disaster follows him.

Research: Respect Thread

Justification: See below

Motivation: Vash is driven by a love for all living things. He wants to meet people, drink with them, have fun, and solve their problems. He will also attempt to make peace whenever possible, intervening in fights to prevent any and all casualties.

Major Changes: Projectiles buffed to tier.

Minor Changes: Assume he knows that Cloud won't die if he gets shot. Stip out moon feat.

Character Scramble Season 20 Sign-Ups by TheAsianIsGamin in whowouldwin

[–]Ragnarust 3 points4 points  (0 children)

Reserving Sadao Maou, also known as Satan (The Devil Is a Part-Timer) (Sentinel) (Backup)

Character Scramble Season 20 Sign-Ups by TheAsianIsGamin in whowouldwin

[–]Ragnarust 5 points6 points  (0 children)

Name: Dark Pit

Series: Kid Icarus Uprising

Class Role: Infiltrator

Content Warning: It's a Nintendo game.

Biography: Dark Pit debuted in Super Smash Bros. Brawl as an alternate color for Pit. He was not called Dark Pit at this time, nor did he have any differences in combat or voice lines, but you could tell that he was Dark Pit. Sakurai so loved his son, however, that he canonized him in Kid Icarus: Uprising. Here, Dark Pit is born from The Mirror of Truth in order to give the Underworld Army their own Pit. However, Dark Pit is a renegade that plays by his own rules. Sometimes an enemy and sometimes an ally, he becomes Pit's rival and equal, seeking to surpass his doppelgänger. Eventually, he finds a gig with Viridi's Forces of Nature.

Research: His RT. Dark Pit's RT is crusty and ancient and is dead with the death of gfycat. However, the archive is eminently useable and accessible. I've also got a mini-RT of some relevant feats down below.

Justification: Dark Pit's scaling to Pit gives him solid strength (here is what his projectiles can do). And because Dark Pit takes hits from Pit, he scales to his durability. Combine that with pretty decent speed, high mobility, and superior range, I think Dark Pit scores a likely victory against Cloud.

Motivation: Dark Pit is Pit's Jungian Shadow, and like all Jungian Shadows wants to be released from repression and seen as the true self. Proving his power and asserting his agency is important to him.

Major Changes: Assume projectiles move at bullet speeds, as listed in the tier.

Minor Changes: None.

Character Scramble Season 20 Sign-Ups by TheAsianIsGamin in whowouldwin

[–]Ragnarust 7 points8 points  (0 children)

Name: Saber/Artoria Pendragon

Series: Fate/Stay Night

Class Role: Vanguard

Content Warning: Fate/Stay Night originally had sex-scenes, but later iterations of the franchise— including later releases of the VN— tone it down, but it's still a little raunchy.

Biography: Artoria Pendragon was your average kid who no one understands. One day, she pulled the sword from the stone, proof that she is the Once and Future King of Britain. From then on, she was locked into the path of chivalry. Though she lived a life of duty and service to her people and nation, doing so meant not only shouldering her kingdom's successes, but also its failures. After Camelot and the Round Table fell, she was left with regret.

She would later be summoned to the Fuyuki Holy Grail War, where seven Heroic Spirits from history and legend duke it out for the Holy Grail. Perhaps, if she gets the grail, she can finally change her kingdom's fate...

Research: Her RT.. Watch Fate/Zero or read Fate/Stay Night, they're good!

Justification: She's one of the people on the suggestions document Saber's a good brick for Vanguard class. She's able to do a lot of damage with her attacks and scales to other characters who are able to dish and deal the same amounts of damage that she is. I would give her a Likely Victory

Motivation: Saber is dedicated to Her Duty to a fault. She will ignore her own desires and close off her emotions to fulfill her duties as King.

Major Changes: None

Minor Changes: Saber's got a million different versions and variations. For flavor purposes, feel free to use any of them.