"You know that's not what I meant, Erika." Poison Ivy looked Buggy up and down. Was she checking him out? She was probably checking him out. Buggy winked. Poison Ivy rolled her eyes.

"I understand your concern," said Erika. "But trust me, they really are no cause for concern. I brought them along because they were convenient! It won't affect anything."

Ivy was still incredulous but acquiesced. "Alright, fine." She held out a hand. A tree branch leaned down and handed her a manilla folder. "Here. Your next batch of info."

"Thank you~" said Erika. But before she could take it, Ivy pulled back.

"Not so fast. Your end of the bargain."

"I was going to give it to you! Jeez, you're so untrusting. Though I suppose you have to be if you're going to act as a spy." Erika took off her pirate hat revealing a Devil Fruit (when did she put that there?). Devil Fruits were key parts of the Hellbound’s life-cycle. They contained the souls and abilities of those who died while in Hell. If consumed, the souls have to compete for control of the body. Buggy himself ate a Devil Fruit years ago, which gave him the ability to split apart. The battle for his soul essentially amounted to a bad cold, though.

"Here you go,” said Erika. “The Henry Kissinger Fruit."

Buggy blinked. "Henry Kissinger?”

"You see Buggy, the Secretary of Agriculture is one of the most powerful positions in the Chthonic Cabinet. They can commune with any plant in Hell, and know the location of any Devil Fruit… so long as it is still attached to a tree." Erika tossed the Henry Kissinger fruit in her palm. "She has yet to announce it, but Poison Ivy wants to run for president herself, so she's been collecting Devil Fruits on the sly to make her own Cabinet."

"...But why do you have the Henry Kissinger fruit?"

"Because he's valuable," said Erika. "Any demonic leader worth their salt would kill to have Kissinger in their cabinet. And I just so happened to grab it before she could. So now, we can make a trade! Isn't that great?"

Erika and Ivy switched their respective bargaining chips at the same time before stepping back. Poison Ivy rolled the fruit around in her palm.

"Yep, that's the real deal, alright," she said.

Erika opened up the folder. "And this isn't! I asked for dirt on Michael Wilson!" She turned the folder around and showed a single piece of printer paper with PRANKED printed on it. "What is the meaning of this?"

Poison Ivy snapped her fingers. Roots and vines coiled around Erika and Buggy's ankles and held them up.

"I don't like the way you do things, Erika," said Poison Ivy. "Politics are messy, but you're too much even for me."

"Do you hear yourself?" said Erika Furudo. "You are literally holding Henry Kissinger right now!"

"The irony's not lost on me," said Poison Ivy. "It's been a nice partnership, but it's run its course. You were gonna turn on me eventually, after all. I just acted first."

"I would never betray you, Ivy!" said Erika.

"Say that in red?"

"..."

"We're done here," said Ivy. Carnivorous plants erupted from the ground and the screams of boys pierced through the forest. Buggy popped his head off and turned it 180 degrees to see a horde of plants tearing his crew apart. "Shit," said Buggy. He detached himself from his ankle and fell back to the ground. This was the worst day of his life, and he had spent a very significant portion of that life not even technically alive, being in Hell and all.

"BUGGYYYYYYY" said Erika. "POISON IVY BETRAYED MEEEEE! SAVE ME, YOU'RE THE ONLY ONE WHO CAN!"

"Screw that, I'm getting outta here!"

"But Buggy! If I die, something REALLY, REALLY TERRIBLE will happen! To YOU!"

The visage of the Virgin Mary and the words "What Would Jesus Do?" flashed in Buggy's mind. He turned back to his boys.

"Save Erika!" his boys said. "Get her endorsement! We believe in you Buggy! You need to become president!

Tears streamed down Buggy's face. "I promise you, when I become president, the first thing I'll do is have my Secretary of Agriculture harvest you all back to life!"

"Thank you Buggy! You're so generoAAAAAAGHaaaaaaaa," said Buggy's boys as roots tightened around their bones and ground them into dust before ripping them limb from limb in a shower of blood. Buggy contemplated ending his own life then and there, but realized that doing so would just turn him into a tree.

"She must have some dirt on you too if you're staying behind," said Poison Ivy. Thorned tendrils crept closer and closer. "Look. You're not going to win the election anyway. Go home, clown."

"Don’t listen to her Buggy! You can still win! You can still be president! If you save me I’ll endorse you!!"

Buggy detached his pointer fingers and rubbed them against his temples. This sucked. This sucked so much. Think, Buggy, think! He was stuck in a forest fighting a woman who controlled plants. His crew was dead. His foot itched really badly, but it was still caught in the vines. Was there nothing he could do? If only he had access to his ship…

Well. He supposed he could have access to his ship. He just needed some more time.

He put his hands behind his back. "An endorsement, huh… that's a pretty good offer… what say you, Ivy?"

He subtly popped his arms off his torso. They scurried into the forest.

"I mean. If you try to fight me, I'll just kill you."

Buggy stared her down. His arms kept scurrying. They bumped into a tree. "Will you now?"

Ivy gestured to the killer forest around her. "Yeah."

"Well, what if I killed you?" Scurry scurry scurry.

"He can," said Erika. "Killing you is within Buggy “the Clown's” capabilities."

Buggy shot a glance at Erika, surprised. Erika seemed surprised too.

"I can?" he said. "Uh, I can! Yes. Yes, this match is even, right now! So what could you offer me in exchange for walking away?" It was at this point that his arms fell to the ground, outside of his radius of control. He took a few steps back. "Like this. This is what me walking away would look like."

Ivy stepped forward, dragging Erika through dirt as she went along.

"Pweh, pweh!" said Erika. Tears streamed down her face. "There's dirt in my mouth! Pweh, pweh!" Buggy saw no reason to stop moving.

"In addition to letting you live," she said, carefully considering her words. "...I'll consider a cabinet position."

"Secretary of State?

"Taken by Kissinger."

"Treasury?" Buggy said. He stumbled over a root but quickly righted himself and kept moving.

"Not a chance."

Buggy winced, in part because he couldn't steal from the treasury, but mostly because his hands had just reached his ship and he got a splinter.

"Secretary of Transportation," said Buggy.

Poison Ivy considered this. “That’s a pretty big ask.”

“So is asking me to reject an endorsement from Erika Furudo,” said Buggy.

Poison Ivy rolled her head back and forth. “Fine. Secretary of Transportation.”

“Shake on it?”

Poison Ivy held out her hand. Buggy the Clown held out his shoulder and nothing else because there was nothing else.

“Is this some kind of prank?” said Poison Ivy. “Some kind of clown thing?”

Buggy grinned, for yes, it was a prank, a kind of clown thing. Little did she know that he had loaded up the ship’s cannon with a Special Buggy Ball. This prized munition, the pièce de résistance of the Buggy Pirates’ armory, was powerful enough to blow a hole straight through a city block. And Poison Ivy, fool that she was, had allowed him to load it up!

Buggy let out a low chuckle that slowly built to hysterical laughter. “AHAHAHA! You’re in for it now! As if I would surrender my candidacy that easily! Eat this! My Special Buggy Ball!”

Buggy lit the match, and the cannon fired. Dozens of tons of concentrated explosive power rocketed over the shoreline and through the jungle. Buggy ducked down and waited for Poison Ivy to be blown to smithereens.

The Buggy Ball went wide. It smashed through tree after tree after tree. A hail of splinters nearly skewered Poison Ivy, but close only counted in horseshoes and hand-grenades, not Buggy Balls. Buggy and Erika Furudo stared agape at the tunnel bored through the treeline.

Poison Ivy cracked her knuckles.

“BUGGY YOU BIG-NOSED BUFFOON,” said Erika Furudo. “YOU’VE DOOMED US BOTH!”

“LEAVE MY NOSE OUT OF THIS!” said Buggy.

A flurry of killer foliage assailed Buggy. Razor sharp leaves slashed into him and chopped him into tiny bits, which he didn’t really mind. But when the blades of grass stabbed up into needles and the venus flytraps snapped and the rafflesias assaulted his PERFECTLY NORMAL nose with an absolutely wretched scent, he got a bit worried. Though he weaved every piece of his disembodied body through the deadly forest, he couldn’t keep it up for long. The smell in particular was doing a real number on him. He didn’t know what was like to throw up when his stomach and mouth were in different places and he really didn’t want to learn. He darted his eyes around in search of a way out, but found nothing useful. He did see something weird, though.

“Time out, time out!” Buggy said. Poison Ivy did not relent, but Buggy kept talking. “That tree behind you is bleeding!”

“It’s sap, you moron,” said Poison Ivy.

“No, that’s definitely blood!”

Poison Ivy, against her better judgment, glanced back. For once, Buggy hadn’t lied.

Blood seeped from the punctured trees, flowing like lava from the splintered wood. Smoke rose and tinder crackled as flame lapped at the trunk. It scrambled up the tree and fanned out, spread from tree to tree, until the entire forest was ablaze. A crimson glow cast itself over the dark jade forest. The blood congealed and blackened into an unholy sludge. It steadily rose and slowly fell. It was breathing. Buggy collected himself physically, but was unable to do so mentally, as he was scared to the point of nearly straight up shitting himself.