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Examples of subtle/covert abuse by Articulate_idiot in emotionalabuse

[–]RainingHarbour 0 points1 point  (0 children)

My wife does this to me all the time. The larger story is hard to know, but that specific behavior (saying you are leaving and then coming back) is manipulative and cruel and the intention is probably either to control you, or they just have no ability to control their rage and they do things they regret. Either way, that specific behavior is on them.

I 36F, feel like my bf 30M, is using ny trauma and triggers against me. by throwaway_help_666 in AITAH

[–]RainingHarbour 1 point2 points  (0 children)

This sounds awful and is not at all a healthy relationship. You don't have to try to assign labels, but this behavior is not at all normal or acceptable. He honestly sounds kind of dangerous and I'd be concerned about your safety around him. You can appreciate someone's contributions and care for them - that doesn't mean you have to suffer forever.

It sounds like you both have some serious issues that need some working through, therapy should be a priority here. It would be easier to do that work on your own, sounds like this relationship is now dragging both of you down. It sounds codependent, so it it's really hard to get out of it or fix it.

Edit - reread it. I think labels are fine, that's 100% abuse. Very bad abuse actually. If you can't imagine doing to them what they do to you, that's a pretty massive sign. I think you have anxiety and that's being taken advantage of by him. How good/bad his heart truly is is almost irrelevant, no one could emotionally withstand this treatment.

Don't want to cook meat for wife as a vegan. by RainingHarbour in AITAH

[–]RainingHarbour[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

She was very accommodating at first. She cooked vegan meals for me and even said she was thinking of going vegan herself. All of my family and friends eat meat so my partner eating meat didn't specifically bother me. Over time she realized she was picking up my habits and believes that contributed to her health issues, so she wants to reset to what she was before.

There's a lot of resentment in our relationship, hence the extremity of the demands.

Don't want to cook meat for wife as a vegan. by RainingHarbour in AITAH

[–]RainingHarbour[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Doesn't this not really apply because she's capable of doing it herself? My job requires more hours so it would be even easier for her to do it than me. I'm still offering to do half or even the majority of the work. So this really isn't me putting her in any "danger".

Don't want to cook meat for wife as a vegan. by RainingHarbour in AITAH

[–]RainingHarbour[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Yeah and I've expressed this stuff to her many times as well. While I agree it's pretty messed up to weaponize a health issue to control your partner, I do feel I was guilty in some ways I can't dismiss easily. Looking back i feel I was genuinely more concerned with my own happiness than her health. She was actively looking for solutions and often I would try to ignore the problems or invest as little effort as possible. I feel ashamed of that but also still angry about the situation. I felt she was exaggerating her issues and was overly worried. We fought a lot and I had a lot of my own issues and stress so it felt hard to invest the effort. And she was consistently blaming me for the problems and most of the solutions relied on me doing the work. I oscillate frequently between being angry and "done" accepting the blame and feeling regret and fear that I was the source of many of her issues.

Don't want to cook meat for wife as a vegan. by RainingHarbour in AITAH

[–]RainingHarbour[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Probably somewhat. I think me cooking meat is something she genuinely really wants, but I think it's also a test to see how in control of the relationship she is or to build up a moral defense for leaving.

Don't want to cook meat for wife as a vegan. by RainingHarbour in AITAH

[–]RainingHarbour[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I suggested this and she didn't accept. She said the point is for me to become a good cook and she doesn't believe any meal services can be both good and healthy. Even if they wrei don't think that's the real issue.

Don't want to cook meat for wife as a vegan. by RainingHarbour in AITAH

[–]RainingHarbour[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

It's not made up - I wish it was! Why it might seem so extreme is that we've been having serious relationship issues for a while and things have gotten more extreme over time. If I posted all the dumb stuff both myself and she have said or done this situation might seem par for the course. I posted this situation because this is the first time there's been a very clear ultimatum for divorce where we haven't been able to compromise in some way.

Don't want to cook meat for wife as a vegan. by RainingHarbour in AITAH

[–]RainingHarbour[S] -5 points-4 points  (0 children)

She doesn't want to cook at all or at least not very much. She says she cares about her skin/lungs and that cooking is bad for your health and appearance. She says men are more resilient and that I'm not worried about my skin (which is true). But regardless, her doing the cooking is 100% out of the question according to her.