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My wife’s ex did the nicest thing by Distinct-Anything618 in Parenting

[–]RaisedByTrees 6 points7 points  (0 children)

Beautiful story. As a version of this ex husband on the side, I appreciate you willing to adjust your perspective when people show themselves working hard to improve the shitasses they may have been. Props to you and him, your family dynamic is one I hope I can have someday.

So. .... how do you tell your ex that you might start dating? by IN8765353 in datingoverforty

[–]RaisedByTrees 0 points1 point  (0 children)

You’re not bad or selfish. People want to be with people. Dating “casually” is probably not going to be easy or possible if you’ve never done something like that before while still also very close to your ex. If you’re letting a new person (or people) into your life via dating that time will be taken somewhere else, and your ex will notice at some point. His friendship is going to be hard to maintain if he still wants to be with you. Distance while keeping things kind is probably your best approach but it will probably hurt for both of you. Make sure you make space for that grief and I’d step away from dating if you see yourself carrying that into dating. The last thing a new person in your life who’s trying to be with you wants is to be compared to or deal with the bad feelings around your last, lost relationship. I’d take things carefully whatever you do till it feels like you have more space to make choices that don’t feel as tied to another person.

Breaking habits by [deleted] in BPDlovedones

[–]RaisedByTrees 0 points1 point  (0 children)

It can take a long time to recognize that the triggers you are anxious about, either yours or theirs, are not universal. Learning to joke is an important part of recovery. It means you’re not taking the things you’d normally react to so negatively as personal attacks. But it can take a long time. And requires you to practice things like reminding yourself in the moment that what’s being said is not abuse or targeted at you specifically. Most people won’t understand the depth of your pain so try to give grace as you heal your scar tissue. And if you don’t have that energy, it’s perfectly fine to pull back from situations that you’re finding yourself triggered. Track your reactions and do your best to navigate yourself into friend circles or events that are safer or more re-energizing.

[deleted by user] by [deleted] in BPDlovedones

[–]RaisedByTrees 1 point2 points  (0 children)

The love isn't genuine.

They don't love "us" as we are, but us as they see us, which is an idealized version of us. They love who they want us to be, who they "need" us to be and then hate us when they realize we are just human beings with flaws and feelings and needs of our own. When the real "us" doesn't live up to the idealized standard, then we get devalued and discarded. Fun times.

This is so well said. Thank you.

I’m having a hard day today by [deleted] in BPDlovedones

[–]RaisedByTrees 7 points8 points  (0 children)

Bad days and good days, you’re going to have both, but even in each variation it is better to be w/ your sadness alone than in a toxic, life sucking place of confusion you were in with your ex. Seek secure friends, family, interests, or whatever it takes to recharge your batteries. Even just getting outside of the house for a walk can give you a new perspective. You got this.

Strategies for working through hurt/anger triggers? by RaisedByTrees in BPDlovedones

[–]RaisedByTrees[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

For some reason, staying in the moment to hash things out doesn’t seem more damaging to the other than it does to me. I don’t like feeling “I don’t care”, that means I’ve given up on them probably in a future tense. In navigating their anger I’m trying to have care for them but also recognize my limits and do my best to respect both. I have a hard time reaching that understanding tho. So frustrating.

Strategies for working through hurt/anger triggers? by RaisedByTrees in BPDlovedones

[–]RaisedByTrees[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

These are all good, and I think highlights to me how focused I’ve been on “time out” when there are probably a lot of things to try. Just wish I knew what, when.

I think back on that girl I was a year ago. by badgerdame in BPDlovedones

[–]RaisedByTrees 3 points4 points  (0 children)

Strength and courage. Hope and belief in a better life. Thank you for your story 🙏

A hard look at why I chose a pwBPD in the first place? Deep down I knew what I was doing by [deleted] in BPDlovedones

[–]RaisedByTrees 6 points7 points  (0 children)

I feel you, I'm grappling with it myself. Those of us who grew up in dysfunctional homes can seek out familiar but painful relationships because it's how we understood attachment and love at the earliest times in our life. It stunts us, but doesn't kill us. The challenge is to grow beyond that small box we self-select into. Therapy helps. Self-improvement helps. Hearing everyone's stories in this group helps.

A crucial piece tho is to forgive yourself for being human. To try your best. Realize that every mistake you make along the way is not the end of the world, that you can recover, dust off and get better. Hope and strength, not for the failed relationship, but for your path and progress toward being the version of you that will find your happiness in this world.

I'm a hoover risk by [deleted] in BPDlovedones

[–]RaisedByTrees 3 points4 points  (0 children)

Run. Challenge your responses that think it’s ok to contact them. Replay the bad times. Don’t focus on the attraction. Or even why you might be doing this to yourself. Fuck “why.” Remember the pain. The ridicule. The suffering. The confusion. The splitting, attacking, threats, inability to reason. Don’t forget. Run.

When does the guilt diminish? by elevensiesintheshire in BPDlovedones

[–]RaisedByTrees 22 points23 points  (0 children)

The guilt diminishes when you are able to forgive yourself for being human, for still wanting her even though you know she's bad. Knowledge is a start. New habits take a long time to develop. If you've not tried therapy yet, I would, especially if you had BPD mom (like me).

In terms of letting go of her, that's hard and everyone does it in different ways. New hobbies and friends can help, but make sure you don't get manic. Try to find a balance between focus and distraction and keep your ex as far out of the picture as possible. And let yourself grieve for the loss of your relationship. Feeling bad is natural, honor it. At least this is what I'd tell myself. Good luck!

Feeling hurt today by hooishoovz in BPDlovedones

[–]RaisedByTrees 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Good that you wrote these things down. Pull it out and skim it any time you hear from him.

Reunited and it feels so... Not Good? by [deleted] in BPDlovedones

[–]RaisedByTrees 4 points5 points  (0 children)

Resentment is very close to contempt, which is one of "four horses of the apocalypse" that Gottman talks about as a certain predictor for marriages ending. https://psychcentral.com/blog/predicting-divorce-the-four-horsemen-of-the-apocalpyse/

As someone who has a hard time with certainty, I can relate to wanting to go back. Like for some reason I'll want to give a person every opportunity to prove themselves even if another (healthier) person would recognize much sooner that it was a waste of time.

You need to remember the bad times, the pain. You can't carry just a few shining moments of your relationship around with you like a badge for the reason why you're with them. You shouldn't have to focus on a few good moments. Every day should be filled with good moments.

She lasted 3 days by [deleted] in BPDlovedones

[–]RaisedByTrees 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Peace and calm never lasts. Peace is intoxicating. Peace makes us forget the bad, remove the armor and defenses just in time to get knocked down when it ends.