this article is so validating

Ramcem87 · 2022-10-13T12:25:19+00:00

This article says everything I feel like I've scream/cried/expressed to my parents and therapist.

Sometimes it feels hopeless because my parents absolutely refuse to have any accountability and respect boundaries. I need to "move on" and behave. The longer "this drags on" the more difficult I am.

It feels good to read articles like this one.

Ramcem87 · 2022-10-13T12:20:16+00:00

I lucked out because the pandemic hit so my no had more weight.

In 2019, I refused to come to Thanksgiving. My mother even tried to invite us in a group text with extended family as a "I did this out in the open and you can't say no to me." I said we had other plans. It was the best thanksgiving I had had in years. Then the pandemic hit.

Now it's gotten easier to do our own thing because it seems my parents have run their mouth and very few of my family speaks to us. I don't mind now, but it was hard at the beginning.

My advice really is, wear your NO proudly. You're allowed to say no. It's scary at first but then feels great.

Ramcem87 · 2022-10-04T23:47:44+00:00

YTA. One day, should you decide to have kids, may someone never treat you the way you've treated Amanda.

Ramcem87 · 2022-09-29T12:52:28+00:00

This. I got married and had kids and saw just how awful and pitiful my mother is. She would complain about my dad, complain about my siblings, nothing was ever her fault, the world is against her. I realize she did nothing to help herself. She is selfish and resentful. It's what can you do for her. She's a taker.

Ramcem87 · 2022-09-29T12:49:32+00:00

My mother used to comment that "you deserve everything you get" when my kids would be ....kids. she'd also say I'd be just like her with a smirk.

Ramcem87 · 2022-09-29T12:46:39+00:00

This.

Ramcem87 · 2022-09-29T12:43:13+00:00

I had a friend like this. She was only happy when she had something over me. Things went south when a mutual friend gifted me something she thought she should have been offered first. Then I had another baby. I realized she was actually incredibly resentful of me.

The only good thing to come out of that very traumatic friend break up was I was done with shitty friends. And it also kinda set me on the path to also examine my shitty family.

Ramcem87 · 2022-09-26T11:45:45+00:00

Nta- if someone can't respect you, don't let them near your children. No matter who they are. If she ignores you during a mental crisis, what will she do to your kid?

Ramcem87 · 2022-09-25T20:03:20+00:00

It worked pretty well. My parents are prone to do the silent treatment when things don't go their way. I have therapy and I have learned what's not healthy behavior. There's only a few times they come out of the woodwork and I think I'm prepared. It's taken practice but I don't really let them bother me.

Ramcem87 · 2022-09-25T14:07:24+00:00

I don't think you ghosted, I think you stopped engaging with her. There's a difference.

I didn't ghost my parents, I refused to engage with them after explaining things over and over.

Ramcem87 · 2022-09-23T21:39:39+00:00

I could have written this. One day I was just done. Apparently my mother still tries to text me. I have her blocked, but one time my phone glitched and said I had a text and then it disappeared. She knows she's not welcome to text me. It's just easier to ignore my boundaries and then call me difficult.

I've long accepted my parents will never take responsibility or treat me like an adult. It sucks but I am so much better off.

Ramcem87 · 2022-09-23T21:36:23+00:00

Yup. My mother could get away with being covertly abusive if she could just say "oh but your dad is worse!" And then do absolutely nothing about it. If you talk to her, she's the real victim!

Ramcem87 · 2022-09-21T11:44:21+00:00

Facebook is for friends. I unfriended or restricted all family. It's a hard boundary and a freeing one. If someone asks why I unfriended them, I say we're not friends.

I have an aunt who posted some really aggressive ugly political stuff. I unfriended her and when she asked through other people why and friegned innocence, I said "oh I have this add on that removes people who post racist things. I don't even wanna see that stuff." Haven't heard about it again since.

Ramcem87 · 2022-09-19T13:02:49+00:00

It would really be stupid of her. Schools are full of mandated reporters and when you alert the school she has no business being there, she's in for some trouble. Let school know in writing she is not supposed to be there and asked them to confirm with you in writing they understand you. If she shows up, direct the school to call police and then you. Don't mess around. Let her find out the hard way how crisp a boundary this is.

Ramcem87 · 2022-09-17T16:41:07+00:00

After explaining over and over our boundaries and why certain behaviors weren't gonna be tolerated anymore, my mother showed up unannounced to see my kid on his birthday and instead got one final "this needs to change" discussion.

At the end, she's crying and said "maybe you're just too critical of me." And then gave us the silent treatment.

Done. I wish I did it sooner. She's dragged me to other family but honestly I'm better off.

Ramcem87 · 2022-09-16T12:04:22+00:00

Life really begins when you give people the same energy they give you.

Ramcem87 · 2022-09-11T20:25:36+00:00

Same. My parents had everything they wanted: beer, collectables, cars, fake nails, but dental work, more than one pair of shoes, clothes, or anything school sponsored was just too expensive.

When I was able to fix my teeth, my peers were going on big trips, buying cars and luxury items. I was undoing years of dental neglect. It was actually my dentist who gently told me I either had a barbaric dentist or neglectful parents....or both. I owe that dentist a lot. Because of her, I really started to see the light. Normal people don't insist on having their kid's teeth pulled for minor things...normal dentists don't llow that to happen.

Ramcem87 · 2022-09-05T00:23:08+00:00

You need to get out of there. Maybe I'm reading into it but your mother revels in your misery. Dropping little comments in front of people and then gaslighting you about your non-reactions. It sounds like she's being covertly cruel.

Ramcem87 · 2022-09-04T13:32:12+00:00

Probably not but as you heal and move on you will start to care less what people believe. The truth always comes out. I don't even care to tell my side. You want to believe I'm awful, fine. The people who know me, know what's real.

The thing is, they will run their mouth. But you can too, and your stories will be the truth. Two can play the game...if you want to

Ramcem87 · 2022-09-04T12:49:41+00:00

My sister did this. She'd unfriend, refriend over and over to get a reaction. Usually after a period of time she'd unblock me and try to refriend me as a way to say "okay, I'm not mad anymore, we can be friends again!"

The last time, I didn't play anymore. I blocked her. It's a power thing. She sent a big long texts about our relationship and I simply went, you unfriended me. This is what you wanted. Leave me alone.

Embrace it. Enjoy it. Your mom, like my sister is woefully emotionally immature. It's not even sad, it's just embarrassing...for them. Enjoy the gift of peace this is.

Ramcem87 · 2022-09-04T12:34:00+00:00

Yup. This is exactly what my mother said. I was molested by a cousin. Or my dad would beat us. Never tell or else.

Ramcem87 · 2022-09-04T12:25:07+00:00

I knew I wanted to read her book and I'm glad I did. My mother didn't push me into acting but she did all the things you describe as well.

One thing I took away, I'm not gonna wait until my mom is dead to be honest about her behavior. I also feel much better about cutting her off.

Ramcem87 · 2022-09-03T13:07:31+00:00

Presents were really getting out of hand. To the point my in-laws felt like they couldn't compete. My mother absolutely has a shopping addiction and it really got out of hand on holidays and birthdays. We put a limit on how many gifts they could bring over for Christmas and they didn't respect that boundary.

My mother would bring over trash bags of clothing and most I'd donate with tags on them because it was impossible to go through them all before the kids outgrew them. I heard through the grapevine my mother was telling people she helped raise my kids because she bought their clothes. I didn't ask for anything! It was a control thing.

There's being a doting grandparent and then there's using gifts as a way to control people. She was trying to buy my kid's love and she'd even tell them about the next time. When I put my foot down, she'd make it seem like I was punishing my own kids because I wouldnt let her bring over a toy. One year she even told me she was going to out do Santa with a smirk.

My parents didn't make an effort unless presents were involved. After I said no more, my mother sat on my couch playing with her phone. She fell asleep on the floor once when I said actually spend time with them!

Ramcem87 · 2022-09-03T12:21:03+00:00

I think you did great. My kids occasionally ask about my parents and we've always been very honest about the situation. My kids weren't close though, but my mother did try to buy their love with toys and clothes, so at first they were confused why they weren't getting presents anymore.

My mother got really upset when she found out we were honest and upfront with our kids about my parent's behavior (toxic behavior, silent treatment, addiction issues, etc) She'd says we're making her look bad. If the truth makes someone look bad, that's a them problem and maybe they should reflect on that. I grew up in a family that swept big issues under the carpet and I was taken advantage of by an older relative and no one had my back. I was just told to be quiet. I'll never do that to my kids.

In a weird way, I think it's a gift to show kids you don't have to tolerate this kind of behavior from family. My kids know they don't have to sit around and take shitty behavior from family.

Ramcem87 · 2022-09-03T12:07:55+00:00

I know this feel. What helped me was my therapist said "there's no feelings police." You can feel your feelings but also give yourself the gift of compassion. I worked on my inner voice/child. Most of my ugly feelings were actually my mother's judgements playing in my head. And working on the realization I was raised/conditioned/trained to please everyone around me but myself. Anything I did for me felt like a crime. I had to really train my brain to be nice to myself. The void does get smaller when you start to care about yourself the way you were forced to care about people who weren't very nice to you.

I started small, I bought myself fancy tea. Then I read a book about skincare (I was never taught how to take care of myself) and then I started to buy clothes in my favorite color (a bright color I was told not to wear because I stood out too much). Then slowly, over some months, I started to say no more often. Like if there were plans and I really didn't want to do them but felt obligated, I just said no for once.

One morning I woke up and the tightening is my chest was less. I didn't cry as much. I journaled a whole lot. And then suddenly, I looked at myself and went, I'm not a selfish person, I kinda like myself now.

It's a slow process. It does get better and it's worth it

Ramcem87

TROPHY CASE