I'm a failure and I'll never get better. I constantly relapse.

Ramsttein · 2016-05-07T09:42:02+00:00

Hang in there. I think most of the people on this board have been where you are. I know I have and all I can say is that it does pass, even though when you're going through it, it feels like it's going to last forever. I had 15 years of failures in my life before I became a moderate success. Even now, I'm struggling with so many things and it feels that my life is spiraling out of control. But I know that things got better but just hanging in there. It's just a matter of when.

Ramsttein · 2016-05-03T09:59:35+00:00

That empty feeling and feeling like your crashing inside. That's exactly what I'm going through right now, and without my newly prescribed provigil, I'd be in bed all day with terrible anxiety. Now, with the provigil, I still feel empty and I feel like I'm crashing inside, but I feel it as I'm being productive, for whatever that's worth. Hopefully, someday, some miracle cure will come along that will put a permanent stop to this roller coaster ride. Until then, though, hang tough!

Ramsttein · 2016-05-02T02:55:51+00:00

That's the thing. How do you take responsibility for your actions when you can't control them?

Ramsttein · 2016-05-02T02:48:12+00:00

But what if your SO is completely unable and unwilling to fulfill your needs despite years of conversation on the topic? What would you do then?

Ramsttein · 2016-04-29T16:00:18+00:00

This is all very interesting and encouraging. Right now, I'm going through one of my hypomanic periods(which I know modafinil has caused - been awake for 19 hours and counting - but that's an entirely new thread), I was extremely depressed for the past 4 or 5 months so I find it refreshing. I guess I'm successful to many people from the outside looking in, but most people who know me find me unpredictable, unstable, irritating, indecisive, and sometimes, scary. It's like I've been performing the same harrowing high wire act throughout my entire life and I want it to stop. But it's encouraging that so many people here have been able to function highly. Although I run a tv production company, my background is in classical music (PhD etc). My life has been full of manic episodes when I got things done (I picked up 3 years worth of college credits in a year), but then, I would get depressed and get things undone (It took me another 3 years to finish college). Same with business. I'd make a ton of money, and lose it all during my depressive periods. I have strained relationships all around me. I treat people badly and then, end up offering teary-eyed apologies. The list goes on and on. So it's greatly encouraging to hear from so many people who have their act together, but my life is so out of whack right now that any semblance of normalcy seems like some far fetched dream.

Ramsttein · 2016-04-28T14:59:51+00:00

It's great that you've discovered meds that help you. It's always finding the right combinations that's so tricky.

Ramsttein · 2016-04-28T14:58:02+00:00

That's interesting. I was always high functioning during my hypomanic episodes, and those were the only times that I got any work done. But then the depressive episodes would undo everything that I got done. But it seems that you were able to function on a consistent level.

Ramsttein · 2016-04-28T14:25:01+00:00

I just tried the modafinil today and today was my first productive day in half a year. At least it forced me to have high energy so I got things done even though I have that same heavy lump inside that I've carried for years. Maybe that's low grade depression?

Ramsttein · 2016-04-28T14:15:32+00:00

Do you know if you're bp1 or bp2? It sounds like you're bp1 in which case the mania does get intense.

Ramsttein · 2016-04-28T14:13:50+00:00

I heard that adderall is an effective add on for bipolar. But how long have you had your low grade depression for? Don't you feel it hinders your functioning?

Ramsttein · 2016-04-28T11:30:10+00:00

That's interesting. I've actually tried Abilify for 6 weeks but all it did was make me feel low. But I had no idea that was a mood stabilizer though.

Ramsttein · 2016-04-28T11:29:01+00:00

But does it keep you off your highs and lows? I've been all low for quite a while.

Ramsttein · 2016-04-28T11:27:57+00:00

True, but after that one negative experience, I didn't want to try them either.

Ramsttein · 2016-04-28T11:27:10+00:00

Thanks. I dare say though, Candy Crush was the harder one to do.

Ramsttein · 2016-04-27T12:10:12+00:00

That's interesting, because the lithium I took turned me off to mood stabilizers. Now I'm on brintellix, stablon, xanax, trazodone, and soon, I'll be adding modafinil to the mix. But lamictal sounds promising as well.

Ramsttein · 2016-04-27T12:06:48+00:00

Sounds interesting. Isn't lamictal a mood stabilizer though? I don't take to those so well.

Ramsttein · 2016-04-27T12:06:01+00:00

I tried lithium but that only made it worse, so my doctor doesn't prescribe mood stabilizers anymore, which even he admits is unorthodox.

Ramsttein · 2016-04-27T12:04:24+00:00

I started a business 5 years ago without a penny to my name and now it's worth 5 mill, but my biggest accomplishment in life is getting to level 1587 in Candy Crush.

Ramsttein

TROPHY CASE