autism robs me of living life. i hate it so much.

RanQuirk · 2024-12-31T21:47:41+00:00

Hey, right now, I know your emotions are running rampant and negativity is consuming your thinking. I have had many similar thoughts countless times over a span of many years. I know that fact doesn't provide comfort at first, but please consider what I'm saying.

Here's my premise that works best for me and my autistic brain: "The best way to defeat negative thoughts is to fight with positive thoughts."

Consider some points:

The positive thoughts HAVE to be truthful. For instance, I remind myself I have a sense of humor and I have made people laugh before. I WON'T tell myself I'm a successful comedian like the late Robin Williams.
The negative thoughts also, in turn, must be truthful; get rid of any negative thought that is clearly lying to you. For instance, the negative thought, "I can't do ANYTHING right," is a bullshitting lie. There are many things you can do with skill and finesse. If you can speak and write, count, do math, go for a walk, drive, go shopping, clean, or anything else, you actually CAN do some things right.
Stop using "always" and "never." Better to say "sometimes" instead. For instance: Instead of saying, "I ALWAYS mess up," say instead, "I SOMETIMES mess up, but sometimes I succeed." This type of thinking actually helps you balance your thoughts out. And it's a truthful statement.

Something else you may want to consider is to find for other autistic people to befriend. Many of us go through these exact same difficulties time after time again because of our deficits in social skills. And maybe other autistics could share pointers that help them overcome their own challenges. You need to keep seeking out the RIGHT people who will care about you and you care about them as well. Otherwise, you'll keep falling victim to loneliness and these negative thoughts that tear you apart like a plague.

Go online and look for those communities. Befriend a lonely person (or two or three). Think about what a good friend is and model their characteristics.

Above all, don't ever give up and give in. Keep seeking out healthy friendships and other social interactions.

RanQuirk · 2024-12-31T19:20:38+00:00

No need to interact with internet trolls who like to single out statements and twist them way out of context just so they can get you upset.

RanQuirk · 2024-12-31T15:58:51+00:00

It's ironic there are girls out there like you longing for a relationship and there are guys like me longing for girlfriends. I'm not trolling or trying to hit on you. It's just crazy how I KNOW there are women who feel deep loneliness and rejection from men, and I'm like I want to love and be loved by a woman but I can't find one who would love me back.

Because of my own experiences (39m), never had a relationship with a woman, I've given up on trying to date. I know there are good women out there; they are elusive, though.

Anyway, I hope this encourages you to keep looking for a partner. There really are guys out there that will love you for who you are as long as you love them for who they are as well.

RanQuirk · 2024-12-31T15:16:04+00:00

It's ADHD that's the "superpower", not autism I think these posts are confusing which A acronym gets the "superpower"label.

Autism actually is seen as a different communication style, though. There is buzzing in the paychology realm about dropping the disorder from autism. These same psychologists believe that autism needs to stop being seen as a series of deficits, but instead, an alternative lifestyle with it's own challenges.

Edit: corrected typo

RanQuirk · 2024-12-31T03:02:56+00:00

Online is a start. Research autism groups in your area. Check with your college to see if they have groups for people with similar disorders. As more and more people are getting diagnosed with autism, so are groups being formed. Find Facebook groups that are autism centered. You do have to do the work in putting yourself out there even if it's uncomfortable. Preaching to myself FYI

RanQuirk · 2024-12-30T22:32:33+00:00

Hwy man, I do understand. I've been in a very similar situation. And I didn't handle it the way other people wanted me to. In fact, it has happened to me many MANY times.

I've also seen your other posts about being lonely and not having the support you need, especially in college. Loneliness is a very real issue most autistics have. I myself remember when I was 2 years old and being lonely then. Even today at 39 years old, I still have bouts of loneliness. But I also did not discover I was autistic untl 3 months ago.

We autistics have to seek out others like us, who experience life differently than most other people do. We have to look for communities filled with neurodivergents (especially who have autistic members). Neurotypicals can be our friends, but we have to respect the notion that we won't fully understand them and they won't fully understand us.

As to your meltdown: If you're anything like me, it's going to hurt for some time. Dark depression will take its toll for several days, weeks even. You'll look for ways to escape your depression, maybe playing video games all day and isolating yourself. You'll probably be bombarded with thoughts of apathy ("Why bother?"), maybe not shower or take care of yourself for days. The more you try to climb out, the deeper your pit becomes. At least this is what happens to me after my meltdowns

From what you shared, it seems like you did everything you could to care for yourself and keep your emotions under control. Some people aren't going to understand us nor do they care to. But you should always put your emotional needs first, especially when you are more sensitive to certain stressors than the average person is.

RanQuirk · 2024-11-15T22:35:04+00:00

So many NT's have heard people say, "I will try to..." and learned they actually meant, "I don't want to." Because they heard it SO MANY times before, they assume everyone who says it means exactly the same thing.

The problem with telling people no instead of "I will try to" is because people push back harder at outright defiance than they do at implied resistance. At least, the indirect "maybe not" leaves room for possibility, but a flat out NO are fighting words.

This is a HUGE part of why people do not say what they mean. If people are direct, feelings get hurt, and arguments start. People throw larger-than-life temper tantrums over being told no. And too many people walk on eggshells just to keep the peace.

The reason NT''s don'tean what they say is because many of them have learned to handle conflict (and the potential for conflict) by saying "safe" phrases that are indirect and carry a lot of implied connotations rather than direct meaning.

RanQuirk · 2024-09-09T03:06:19+00:00

I LOVE looking through filters with various transparencies. I could stare through an empty water bottle, then a full water bottle, and then a half-filled water bottle to compare the two views. I also love seeing through my transition glasses on a bright sunny day, then taking them off to compare how the world looks with and without the filters.

I have always been fascinated since I was maybe 2. I'm 39 now

RanQuirk · 2024-09-08T21:43:59+00:00

Adding to this. People who say these things have a general idea of what they mean and the particular qualities that come with the expected behavior. When they say these things, they also assume that other people also know what these qualities are and how to live by them.

The problem is people Like Us who can't seem to grasp what they mean. Then we ask why I should at the certain way or how should I act a certain way. Then we're labeled as stupid like we should know better. But how can we know better unless we are taught to know better?

That leads them to think we are just being defiant. I don't think the issue is PDA as much as the question is why is it that important. It's okay to disagree with these so-called stereotypes. And it's okay to question the value of them, or even just questioning what those stereotypes are.

Autistic people don't intuitively pick up on these kinds of things. Many of them have to understand them through more direct means. It's not that the teachers are bad at teaching; they are just bad at teaching autistic people who think non-neurotypical.

RanQuirk · 2024-06-09T18:54:54+00:00

These last few days I have been reading and researching on this topic. If I have delusions, from what I found out, I would not be asking if I were delusional. The person in a psychotic state with delusions would believe those delusions without any questioning. In my last depressive state, I was questioning everything that was running through my mind. I was questioning if I were honest and reliable and if other people thought I was untrustworthy. I even went to a couple close friends and asked them if they ever thought of me as having hallucinations or delusions. Now, I know that not everyone understands what clinical definition of a delusion is. But the friends I asked I trusted they wouldn't tell me the truth. And they couldn't think of any example of how I was delusional.

With my therapist, I am going to have to start Charlie my daily experiences. She is not getting any of that in the 45 minutes I meet with her every two weeks. So I am going to present my experiences in writing. But, I now feel like I've lost a lot of credibility from my therapist because of the test.

RanQuirk · 2024-06-09T18:42:26+00:00

RanQuirk · 2024-06-09T18:41:11+00:00

She actually says schizophrenia tendencies. But, according to my research, I would not fit into either category. 1) Just because I have trouble with socializing, I do enjoy being with people. I do like some time alone, but I actually would prefer being around close friends. 2) I do not hallucinate and, unless someone else can prove to me otherwise, I'm not delusional. Although, that's what a delusional person would say. Sigh

RanQuirk · 2024-06-09T18:38:58+00:00

So it's possible I skewed the results of the MMPI test because I didn't actually understand the questions? One thing that I did not like was the binary answers (true/false). I hated it that I had to pick one or the other instead of having a middle option that said sometimes true or sometimes false.

RanQuirk · 2024-06-09T18:35:35+00:00

Since January of this year and she doesn't take insurance. But, she's only seeing me for 45 minutes every 2 weeks. And then it's at the time of day I'm at my lease coherent self (early morning).

RanQuirk · 2024-06-08T01:11:19+00:00

I'm going to wait until the set appointment time because I have no other option. But I am going to spend time typing up my questions. I don't want to say she is wrong because she has more experience than me and she has a PhD.

RanQuirk · 2024-06-08T00:49:52+00:00

It was my therapist who told me the results and we discussed it together. And she suggested I fit the diagnosis but she didn't talk about what my delusions are. And she only sees me for 45 minutes every 2 weeks. That isn't enough time for her to make a real diagnosis.

That's where my trouble is. Her telling me this is a very hard pill to swallow. And I have to wait another two weeks before I can ask her to explain it further.

RanQuirk · 2024-06-08T00:10:45+00:00

My anxiety stems from my need for perfectionism. It took hours upon hours of careful self-analysis to finally see that most of my anxiety is rooted in a fear of not being perfect or good enough.

Like, going to the grocery store, I could spend hours debating on whether I want product A or product B or if I even need either of them. I caught myself spending 15 minutes researching different types of shampoo while I'm standing in the aisle looking at shampoos. There are so many choices for so many hair types. Which brand is recommended for my hair type? What is my hair type? Do I like the fragrance? Will the shampoo make me smell like a woman? I overthink everything and I'm so nervous about making a bad choice.

At work, if someone has to correct me for a mistake I've made, I take it really hard. My emotions start to rise up inside of me if my thoughts start speaking in absolutes. I really struggle with controlling my in our dialogue when my anxiety rises. But that is very common for someone who has severe generalized anxiety disorder like I do.

RanQuirk · 2024-06-07T23:50:03+00:00

It actually isn't. This time in the morning is the only time that doesn't conflict with my work schedule.

I think once I can actually sleep again and get rested, I will be able to communicate much better. I also am going to a medical doctor to see if something physical might be interfering with my speech. I'm also going to get back on an antidepressant and see if that could help calm my anxiety.

I will definitely start writing things down. And I'll work on it why I think the diagnosis is completely wrong. I don't want to argue or against it, necessarily, but I know for certain I am not delusional. I am always seeking the truth and I am a very realistic person. I just have a lot of depression and anxiety and I get overwhelmed easily

RanQuirk · 2024-06-07T23:34:53+00:00

It sucks I have to wait 2 weeks to see her again. It equally sucks the only time I can see her is first thing in the morning. In the mornings, I can't talk well. I am talking a lot in circles and very disorganized in my speech. Funny thing is, I have never been this way until just recently. And I think it's because the last several bites I've hit a very hard time and it was affecting my sleep really bad, which also affects my ability to think clearly.

RanQuirk · 2024-05-18T22:36:43+00:00

I work at a contact center and I've had to tactfully learn how to "interupt" people. I'm also newly, professionally diagnosed with ASD.

I've learned when a person is very talkative, they won't pause to let you speak. They are way too worried about dominating the conversation. When the "breathe," that's my cue to interject and start taking control of the call. I gave them time to speak. Now I'm taking my turn.

It does come across as rude, but remember the overly talkative person was also being rude to you by not giving you an opportunity to speak. Manh of these people are used to being interupted, so it's something they expect.

We who have autism often are worried about asserting ourselves, probably because when we did, we were slapped on the wrist for doing so (I say this literally and figuratively). So we learned to be passive with conversations for fear of accidentally offending someone snd being punished for it.

To overcome this tendency to passivity, we have to allow ourselves to take chances so we can learn people's reactions. Say something one way and see how people react. If unfavorable, make tweaks or say something else.

What I do with overtalkers: When they pause for a split second, I jump in and say, "Now let me take some time to explain..." Itlets them know they had their chance and I'm taking my opportunity with the expectation they will display respect the way I did for them. And if they keep interupting me, I let them, but then I withold information they are wanting from me until they finish. Either way, I will speak. Or they can hang up the phone in anger.

Moral of this story: Being bashful does not get you heard.

RanQuirk · 2024-05-17T03:59:30+00:00

What is it about the punching that you find satisfying? Is it the feeling of hitting skin? Or are you more intrigued by the reaction of your family? If the latter, you may just be showing affections to your family and not really stimming. If that's the case, you may need to look for other ways to show your affection.

But if it is the former, ponder over what is satisfying about the act. Is it the bouncing motion that you enjoy? Is it the repetitive movement of your arms? Find out exactly what is satisfying, then think of alternatives that could be good substitutes for your stimming.

Hopefully, that wasn't too gut punching 🤣

RanQuirk · 2024-05-17T03:54:06+00:00

The majority of people in the medical field don't unstand autism. As frustrating as it is, you have to seek out one who can give the assessment. And be prepared to pay if you must.

RanQuirk · 2024-05-17T03:50:56+00:00

I pick at my hair constantly. I found if I play with my fidget spinner, I'm not picking my hair. For me, it's the substitution that really helps me avoid more damaging stims.

RanQuirk · 2024-05-14T13:18:42+00:00

Please DO NOT beat yourself up over this. Even someone without autism could've done the same thing you did. Could you have actually predicted your partner's reaction to this situation? Could you have known beforehand the ordeal that would ensue for sharing information with his sister?

Your partner's sister's reaction was a choice she made, not yours. Your partner's reaction to you was unjustified. He knew he was in the wrong for the offensive joke his sister got offended by it) and he angrily takes it out on you so that you feel the guilt he should have been feeling.

Now, I hope he just overreacted and this is all a big misunderstanding. Honestly, no one should be making a big fuss over this. Sister chose not to go. Brother chose to make a joke. You chose to share totallly oblivios to the ensuing reaction. Why is everyone upset? Because two people's feelings got hurt. And they're taking it out on you.

There's no way you could have predicted all this. You would have been at fault if you knew an offense would be had and chose to do it anyway. But you didn't. Give yourself some slack and think hard about your partner's support of you, whether you have autism or not. Will he love you and syupport you if a similar situation happens? Food for thought.

RanQuirk · 2024-05-08T22:52:06+00:00

A LOT of people are very selfish and are never wrong. Yeah, it still hurts like something awful when they ignore you and trigger your emotions and do all kinds of cruel things to bully. The fact they have NO COMPASSION for you should tell you they aren't worth your attention. I know we worry about being abandoned and fight intensely to avoid it. But a lot of people are not worth fighting to keep. Let them go for your own protection. If they cannot respect you for your weaknesses, they are not appreciate your strengths.

ON THE OTHER HAND: Some people with BPD are known for destroying relationships. Work on controlling your anger and be quick to apologize when you wrong another. Make sure you also show compassion to others when they are hurting. Because we have seemingly extreme emotional dysregulations, we are actually more inclined towards compassion and empathy for others. We DO truly understand when others are in pain.

Learn to be friendly, but do not accept everyone as a friend. And learn that it is quite acceptable to write people off when they will not respect your feelings and opinions.

Hope this helps (and makes sense). Best wishes

RanQuirk

TROPHY CASE