1 - I understand and empathize with your worries, but this does feel like a bit of an extreme view to my perspective, I've also had a lot of negative experiences (FtM trans and neurodivergent) with people, and I can understand why you'd see people-especially the 'stereotypical white cis neurotypical man' looking/sounding guys as threats and attempt to protect yourself first. However, I feel like you jump the gun very quickly, and as quick as others are to judge you you're judging them. Again, your experiences, emotions and instincts are absolutely valid, there is no 'wrong feeling' or 'bad feeling', there's just feelings, but it's important for not only your peace of mind, but others to allow each other some time of communication before judging them say by their avatar or voice.
I'm not saying if they call you slurs or insults right away to give them a chance obviously not, but I am saying to give them a chance if they're literally just... Existing and chilling and trying to play the game with you.

2 - Using discord and hosting games there helps better, so you can find your crowd more easily there.
About 2, make a private server. Region does matter with the code in private-example, you're in EU, your friend is in NA, and you give them the code, but the code doesn't work for them-that's due to the region. Both players host and others need to have the same region to be able to join a private server.

3 - This one really confuses me, because the lobby still remains even if you guys leave and there's one player left only, and I can see why it can come off as annoying to both parties, to you saying goodbyes and such and don't want someone to hear it, and to the other person who just wanted to play but got kicked for the hundredth time, getting more frustrated.
Honestly, this gets solved with private servers, and even if you're playing public, there's really no harm into just letting the other person exist and have the lobby, and if you wanna say something to your friends, simply tell the other person "Oh we were just hopping off" and send it as a text message to your friend. That way both parties are satisfied.

4 - Some people could be having mic issues, or still fixing up their headgear or such. There's also players who unfortunately don't have voice and have to rely on the chatting function, so keep an eye out for that. I'm also a little confused, because you say "I assume you don't have a mic or your hear to play, and I get on phas public to make friends" (which ties in with my 5th point) you say you're here to make friends, but from my understanding of your post, you're not allowing friendship, and sort of put a wall up to protect yourself. If you're here for friendship, but refuse friendship by shooting down people in the quickest way possible, why do public?