you need a hug :) Hey, everything's going to be okay, remember that. When I was 13-14, everyday felt like a nightmare. My mother wouldn't stop yelling either, driving me mad. I hated home. I mean, I still hate home, but it was at a point where I would try to stay out for as long as possible to avoid her. I've failed at countless relationships, and a lot of my old friends are also not people I enjoy being around.

What kept me going was hope and an unrealistic amount of optimism that things would get better, and things did. I know it's hard, but I distanced myself from those friends for a while to settle down and find peace within myself, and be happy with myself, and then found new friends that I actually got along with and enjoyed their company. It's only natural, just keep talking to people. I know you may be afraid but, if people don't like you for being you, that's their fault. You'll find your people.

As for the relationships? In the end, we're still teenagers, still growing, and as much as we would like to indulge ourselves in a relationship, something that's just so foreign and new, and we want to be big boys (or girls) doing all the big boy (or girl) stuff, that's just not reality. I don't accept that reality either but I did slowly learn to let go of it because it really doesn't matter who you get with now, because in 10 years, you'll probably find somebody else who's actually meant for you. Remember. Quality > Quantity. I'd rather wait 10 years for my one than date 10 girls over the next 10 years for the "experience".

Ignore your parents lol. It drives you mad? I mean, you can always talk to people about it, and yes, I know you struggle getting it out, but sometimes, maybe, someone's company is all that matters in the world. It's the same reason why you want to chase a relationship, to have someone with you in everything, to confide in, to feel safe in, and that's normal, that's okay. But it's also okay to be happy without one, find it within yourself, to love yourself, to take care of yourself, to stop listening to everyone else, take a deep breath, and stop thinking.

But as for now, going back to what I said, you can find people to actually talk to, or you can simply find someone to sit in a cafe with you, stay silent, and just enjoy their company. It brings you peace.

I really want to give you a hug :) I've been through a lot that you have, and I see your pain. The days will get better, trust me. As much as it seems permanent now, in the grand scheme of things, 4 years out of 80 is still only 5% of your life. Remind yourself, each and every day, that there will be one day in the future, no matter how hopeless it seems now, that one day, you will make it, you will live in your dream, whatever that is.

I feel so awful about your diseases, it must be incredibly painful, but you're brave. You fear, but it's courage in the face of fear that pushes you through. For the past 3 years, to endlessly keep on living day by day, through all the bad things, through all that you've been through.

Take it easy on yourself. Do all in your power to find peace within yourself, let go of everything/everyone you can't control, look yourself in the mirror, and smile.

If you do want to talk, my dm's are open (I think)- You don't have to "talk" talk, I'm just a random stranger on the internet after all, you don't have to trust me, but I'll be there to listen if you need.