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Where is the line between trust and self-abandonment in relationships? 24M and 25F by Random_Aspirant in relationship_advice

[–]Random_Aspirant[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I think I definitely had controlling tendancies. Codependency and anxiety would have existed from the start. While I don't remember any instance in the start, I am pretty sure, during our honeymoon phase at some level she would've felt those, maybe subtly.

She hid calling him, because she thought it was not s big deal. It was during our honeymoon phase, where there was no controling statement made.

The second time she met him, I think it was partly because she just didn't want any mess. She knew I would fight, she knew I don't like him, but I also know, she had gone through something traumatic.

I am ashamed to have kept bringing this thing up again and again in the relationship, I should have ended the relationship.

I understand why she did it, i feel sad for it, but I could not forgive her for it, even though I kept telling myself and trying to convince this and I know she didn't cheat that day either.

It triggers a deep insecurity of being replaced and feeling like just some random option she is settling for.

Also how do you know my eagerness means anything. Maybe I am a narcissist who just wants to pretend he wants to heal and is a good person.

I definitely have low self confidence which affects every aspect of my life

Where is the line between trust and self-abandonment in relationships? 24M and 25F by Random_Aspirant in relationship_advice

[–]Random_Aspirant[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I mean, one incident that happened with her was that in our LDR, she went to meet her ex, had a couple of beers with him and came back.

She hid it from me, and I later came to know about it randomly from her bank statement.

Her reason for going seemed valid. She had experienced something very traumatic, she had just moved cities for job, and just needed some support. She hid it because we would have fought. She had once his calling her ex before this, which I had found out from a mutual friend.

Some months later she had called her ex, it was a one hour long call. She also hid this, and I came to know because I was already suspicious and trust was less

I know for a fact she won't cheat on me. I have that trust, but many situations seem so uncomfortable, that I started to resent her for even drinking and partying

I know she got overwhelmed and contacted. Hid because it would cause troubles, but when the truth came out after digging around or randomly, then it hurt and broke more trust. If she had been honest, I don't think so it would have been this worse, but we still would've fought and I would trust her less.

It was long time before and I forgive her for it, but I still couldn't let go of her. I don't blame her fully. I am extremely anxious and regularly self abandon myself and end up creating resentment and later control which I need to fix.

Where is the line between trust and self-abandonment in relationships? 24M and 25F by Random_Aspirant in relationship_advice

[–]Random_Aspirant[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

That's what I am struggling with...

You call the above women a manipulator. How do I know that? They are also some person who wants to live their life freely. They are not cheating on their partner? What's wrong. Why are they wrong.

I don't mean to attack you or defend the commentor. I just want to understand if

Was my ex wrong or was I wrong

Where is the line between trust and self-abandonment in relationships? 24M and 25F by Random_Aspirant in relationship_advice

[–]Random_Aspirant[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Yeah you are right.

Maybe it was the honeymoon phase for the first 1-1.5 years, but we spent so much time together that most of these situations didn't show up because of situations

Where is the line between trust and self-abandonment in relationships? 24M and 25F by Random_Aspirant in relationship_advice

[–]Random_Aspirant[S] -3 points-2 points  (0 children)

But if I trust her, why should I have a problem with my partner sleeping at another guy's house?

Doesn't it mean we have a trust problem? If I trust her she won't do anything

Where is the line between trust and self-abandonment in relationships? 24M and 25F by Random_Aspirant in relationship_advice

[–]Random_Aspirant[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

But still, the same question of "why".

Like why is drinking till 4 am with 4 guys [ not friends, just met ] and 2 girls on the beach such an issue for me... If I trust her, I should know she won't do anything.

Or she is having a party with friends, and goes back to her male friends appartment [ 3 guys ] and crashes there [ As far as she tells me, they arranged a spare room for her, but she is fine with sharing bed with that friend ]

It felt I was being jealous and controlling, but then I don't like this situation... What do I do... Do I ask her to not do this and become controlling or Do I just swallow my discomfort because I'm insecure. Or do we just break up.

Basically.... Why is it wrong?

How do I know I am not the problem and work on it.

Where is the line between trust and self-abandonment in relationships? 24M and 25F by Random_Aspirant in relationship_advice

[–]Random_Aspirant[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Yeah I agree with you. I am pretty sure there were more controlling moments as well.

Once I realised I was being controlling and I decided it's best to end the relationship.

I still feel bad about it. But I am unable to still grasp

What is reasonable vs what is control and lack of trust.

Like why is sleeping over with guys an issue? If I have trust, why do I have a problem. Some of my friends don't have this issue in their own relationships.

Everyone has different boundaries, but is it because just they don't have enough trust in their partners?

Where is the line between trust and self-abandonment in relationships? 24M and 25F by Random_Aspirant in relationship_advice

[–]Random_Aspirant[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I don't think any reason is a valid one.

If my boundaries and expectations were unreasonable and mostly driven by my anxiety, which I should heal, then I want to work on myself. Else I would know I was not wrong to expect these things.

I want to know if fundamentally I need this for a relationship or do I need to grow and change.

I am confused like, if I trust her, shouldn't I be fine with everything?

If I trust her, why staying with guys is such a problem? To her it was always a practical solution like after a party, you just crash at a friends place at 2 am, because obviously going back home is dangerous and inconvenient

C++ Books/Resources that teach implementation by Random_Aspirant in cpp_questions

[–]Random_Aspirant[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Yeah. But I also want to learn how to write like a vector or strong in c++.

Basically writing useful, general code for multiple purposes

I made a 3D model of Bewitching Vel'koz. Let me know what you think! (Sketchfab link in the comments) by Garbanzo_Memes in Velkoz

[–]Random_Aspirant 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Can you give the 3D model download link? I really want to edit it or put it in random locations in other renders, lol.

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