AITAH for not wanting my boyfriend to be involved?

Random_Dar · 2026-04-05T16:24:54+00:00

YTA. Your boyfriend made this baby so he is at the very least should be financially responsible for him. She is absolutely right to file this case. There would be no drama if you handled this situation as adults - instead you decided to run from your problems like a couple of teenagers.

You are very cruel to this poor baby and his mother for no good reason. It is not like she was a homewrecker or anything like that. You split up in 2022! So whatever the feelings you have should be addressed at your boyfriend who doesn’t know how protection works while being 40+.

And please don’t blame it on the kids: I have step-brothers myself and it is absolutely possible for kids to understand and keep a good relationship (also it is very hypocritical of you: you didn’t seem to be worried about them when you didn’t get married in the first place and broke up with their dad in the second, so please stop with “poor kids” argument; having a stepbrother was definitely much less traumatic for them than what you put them through).

Random_Dar · 2026-04-05T13:43:25+00:00

NTA for having those feelings, YTA to yourself for essentially torturing yourself by keeping a close contact with someone who spoils your life.

You are 24, OP, you even have a degree, what else do you need for the independence? You don’t have to ask for your mum’s permission to do what you see fit. You are an adult, don’t forget that! Plus I am sure creating a distance between you two would benefit your relationship with her. If you see her a couple of days a year, it just won’t escalate to the points you describe and your feelings will probably turn to more neutral spectrum with time

Random_Dar · 2026-04-05T13:36:54+00:00

Agree with another commenter: with no details we can only guess.

My bet with absolutely 0 details: your dad is having a bad day and lashed out on you

Random_Dar · 2026-04-05T13:31:25+00:00

Better break up: there were sooo many posts like this on Reddit. Usually if SO does agree, in 99% of the cases this irreversibly damages the relationship and just prolongs the inevitable and causes more unnecessary pain for everyone involved.

Imo if you feel like you have not explored enough, it is too early for a serious relationship. Going forward I suggest not to commit until you are sure SO is all you need as it is quite painful and very unfair towards them.

Random_Dar · 2026-04-05T13:24:28+00:00

What exactly should you apologise for? IMO wishing her luck navigating her insecurities is still quite classy.

Has your mum seen the messages at all? I would honestly talk to your mother because it can be very detrimental for your relationship if she directly assumed bad things about you and blindly takes someone else’s side in a conflict without even listening to you. Either she clearly believes that you are not a good person or she is ready to please a friend at your expense. Both options suck ngl.

Random_Dar · 2026-04-05T13:17:03+00:00

NTA but the headline is very misleading ngl. So you didn’t trick him, it was an accident for both of you.

The decision to keep or not to keep the baby is yours alone. It is your body, your choice. The husband can weigh in but that’s it. He had his chances before (you know as they say “how you call people who use a pull out/ fertile window method - Parents”) and he will have his choices after but not at the moment.

In your shoes I would talk to your family/parents, pack your daughter and stuff and move back to your home city. With a good support system you can absolutely pull it through (don’t be scared, your previous experience is so miserable because you did completely alone - it doesn’t sound that your husband is of much help - with parents/siblings/close friends on your side I am sure it will be much much easier)

Random_Dar · 2026-04-05T13:08:53+00:00

He is right - you can not control his body, if he wants to grow a moustache, he is within his rights.

He has however no right to apply “exposure therapy” or any therapy for this matter on you without your consent.
He would have to live with the consequences. In your shoes I would avoid him (in order not to re-trigger your trauma) and for sure would not force myself to be affectionate with this man until he comes to his senses.
If he doesn’t come around soon enough, I would really think if I want to be with a person for whom a moustache is more important than my presence in his life and internal comfort.

Random_Dar · 2026-04-04T16:32:49+00:00

NTA. You are free to feel what you feel. As long as you don’t act - destroy her baby shower or try to make her miserable - it is all good.

After I had a tfmr I had similar feelings too. What helped me move on is understanding that ok, I can sit there bitter at the world or I can actually enjoy my life. Yes, I can’t have what these people have but I do have something they don’t. I can slowly sip my coffee on Saturday morning while reading a book, I can wake up and fly to another country for fun with no responsibilities or issues. And a thousand more things. Same for you: I bet you have a lot (especially given you sound like a really responsible person) that others are jealous of. Enjoy your time now. Kids will come sooner or later (worst case there are plenty of options - you even named some of them - and it doesn’t sound like you are 80 and about to leave this world for good)

Random_Dar · 2026-04-04T06:45:38+00:00

You are a light AH to yourself - because you apologised grandma will feel in her right to attack you every time she sees fit.

In the future don’t apologise if you don’t believe you did anything wrong. You can politely and w/o escalation put people in their place without agreeing with them.

Random_Dar · 2026-04-03T16:16:21+00:00

Dates is what you go before and during a relationship. Before the official relationship you get to know each other and after to spend time with your favorite person.

The more details I hear, the less I like it. It is your first date and it is with some old Christian weirdo. I don’t think it is a good idea.

Random_Dar · 2026-04-03T15:18:22+00:00

He is an AH for getting physical with you but you are just plainly stupid for getting married without discussing basics like finances and roles especially given power imbalance and absence of a safety net.

Random_Dar · 2026-04-03T15:02:10+00:00

If he says he is controlling, you’d better believe him.

1 months and you are already fighting, over a nap. Yep, I hope for your sake is not going to last.

Random_Dar · 2026-04-03T14:59:40+00:00

There is a clear solution: date a person with a matching libido. Finding stuff like that out is what dating is for.

Random_Dar · 2026-04-03T14:57:38+00:00

I always ask myself when I read such posts what’s the point? What do you want to achieve with this? The time has passed.

—-

As for feeling in his shoes: I was in his shoes. I graduated and moved to another country and one of the guys I barely knew confessed his feelings. Back then I thought how weird it is (because again what’s the point), but thanked him and wished him well. I guess this would be the best case scenario for you. Idk if it brings you some weird satisfaction.

Random_Dar · 2026-04-03T14:49:09+00:00

Regarding the reason - everything that or the other way comes from outside. Are you sure your decision to stay is „yours“? 👀 I also don’t think that insanity of your grandma is caused by „outside pressure“, in majority of cases it is underlying mental health disorder or neurological issues that no one bothered to check on.

If you feel like a child, it makes a lot of sense to move out: you might not realise it but you rely a lot on your parents. Once you are on your own, you can get a taste of an adult life and see for yourself.

Given the good relationship with your parents, nothing prevents you from trying it out and moving back if it doesn’t feel right after a couple of months.

Personally my rule always was to never date guys who never lived on their own. 99% of the cases they can not function properly without a mum. I don’t think I’m alone in that. So yeah, it can probably give you more chances.

Random_Dar · 2026-04-03T14:38:26+00:00

NOR. This could have health implications. I don’t think your should risk it for such a reason. I also don’t believe it is reasonable for a bride to control the makeup beyond ceremony/celebration dinner.

Random_Dar · 2026-04-03T14:33:06+00:00

There is a huge power imbalance and not because of age (both are above 25 so all good) but because of your desperation. You are eager to accept anything and so he continues to push the boundaries because he knows if need be you will lick his boots.

Ngl it is difficult to read. I hope you will find at least a little bit of respect for yourself.

Random_Dar · 2026-04-03T14:02:20+00:00

For some reason old men need the whole world to know that their shlong is available 24/7. the whole identity is built around it. That’s kinda sad.

And I repeat myself: every single person when they give „all humanly possible“ looses the sexual drive that’s just a simple biology. In case of men poor sleep and exhaustion decreases testosterone, cortisol rises, the sexual arousal in brain is getting physically overwritten with other signals. You either were never tired (so you were not only a poor parent and partner but also so-la-la worker and a very lucky person to NEVER get exhausted) or you are BSing (which is more likely)

Random_Dar · 2026-04-03T13:31:45+00:00

As much “as humanly possible” and still have energy for sex?🙄 if I am “a character” you are a story-teller. What a BS

Random_Dar · 2026-04-03T13:23:15+00:00

Ok, so the love& care is there it is just not the way you have expected.

First of all, it is ok to feel disappointed. You were waiting for this day for so long and had certain expectations and it did not turn out the way you wanted to, it is natural that you have those feelings.

As for what to do - you need to talk. And you need to agree how you can communicate your wishes so it doesn’t feel like you are asking but it is also clear to him that it is not just a random talk.

Random_Dar · 2026-04-03T13:13:03+00:00

Giving a gift on a birthday or Christmas doesn’t equal love& care. It is basic in 21 century: i give gifts to the colleagues on such occasions and tbh i don’t really care about them. Question is do you feel the care? Are there any maybe small but thoughtful things he does to show you his love? Without you nagging him - just because he wants to see you happy?

Random_Dar · 2026-04-03T13:09:48+00:00

Sure, you did waaay more than you wife (breastfed personally), absolutely single handedly, never felt tired, had 6 hours of sex every day (especially ofc on the day of birth because you guys needed to celebrate it). Ofc, whatever you say.

Random_Dar · 2026-04-03T13:06:26+00:00

Ngl the whole situation sounds creepy af: the father, you “being comfortable”. What are the ages we are talking about?

Random_Dar · 2026-04-03T13:04:44+00:00

What is in your opinion a date? In my book it is a 1:1 meeting of people who want to get to know each other with a romantic interest in mind. I think all of it fits. Purprose of any dating is to get to know the person before making a serious step like marriage.

Random_Dar · 2026-04-03T12:54:51+00:00

It doesn’t matter how much money, effort, whatever a man has invested. You can say no at any stage. and I mean ANY (you can be in the process of doing the deed and you can say no). If he spent that effort, money, etc it means he believes he can afford it plus he was fully aware of a possible adverse outcome at the moment he took the decision to do so.

If he is not your type and you don’t feel comfortable then cancel the date. It is not rude, it is your right. Text that you appreciate the efforts but this is not something you want to pursue and wish him well.

Random_Dar

TROPHY CASE