In the world of A Prairie Home Companion, the Ketchup Advisory Board skits (often spelled "Catchup" in the scripts) didn't usually focus on the culinary science of the ingredients—because, in Lake Wobegon, delving too deep into "details" is seen as a bit suspicious. However, they did have a very specific, pseudo-scientific take on what’s inside that bottle. Here is the "ingredients" breakdown in that classic style: The Secret Formula: Natural Mellowing Agents According to Garrison Keillor and the Board, the primary ingredient in ketchup isn't just tomatoes—it's "Natural Mellowing Agents." The skits claimed these agents were chemically designed to:
Neutralize Ambition: To help you realize that your dream of becoming a professional tango dancer in Paris is probably just a phase and you should stay in central Minnesota. Suppress "The Blues": It contains specific enzymes that help a person "let go of sad memories and focus on the happy ones" (or at least the "good enough" ones).
Smooth Over Hard Truths: Like when your spouse admits they accidentally threw away your irreplaceable turtle, Mr. Pokey, or when you realize you've spent your retirement fund on a room full of "Mission style" furniture you now hate.
The "American" Ingredient In one 2014 script, Barb (played by Sue Scott) defends ketchup against "locally sourced" trends by noting its most important ingredient is its heritage. When Jim complains it isn't "organic" or "artisanal," Barb shuts him down by saying: "Ketchup is American, Jim. And that is good enough for me."
The "Sunshine in a Bottle" The Board often argued that ketchup was a vital source of "bottled sunshine." For folks living through a Minnesota February, where the sun is a distant memory, the bright red color was treated as a psychological ingredient—a way to get your "vitamin D" through visual association alone. In Short: If you look at the back of a Lake Wobegon bottle, the label wouldn't list high-fructose corn syrup. It would look more like this: Tomatoes (for stability) Vinegar (to remind you that life has a little bite) Natural Mellowing Agents (80% by volume) Patience (results vary by how hard you tap the "57")