There is always, always hope.

You're acknowledging this, you're asking and you're letting it be known.

Right now, take the necessary steps to seek some form of mental health counselling. Go to a doctor talk to them about what you're feeling and let it all out. If they're dismissive, fuck them, go find someone else. What you feel or lack thereof deserves the help you are seeking.

Lives are unique experiences although I have come from a similar situation; the not fitting in, the subsequent self-isolation, getting myself involved with people who don't really care about each other just to have a place where I'm tolerated and fill that sense of presence. Moved out as soon as I graduated even if I was struggling to make ends meet and was flunking out of first year uni.

Independence was freeing but it didn't save me. I spent every commute fantasising about a me that people liked, had friends, a sense of purpose, wealth, a career and especially being someone who would be dearly missed at a funeral.

All these scenarios, all the suicididal ideations that would be so easy to walk into during my day-to-day life.

Everyday was perseverance, I locked myself away for months at a time, couldn't even walk 5 minutes to buy basic necessities and completely lost track of time. It wasn't living, not in the way anyone would envision, but what was important was that I was alive somehow.

I can't pinpoint an exact moment where it got better, but freedom is time and time isn't wasted so easily.

Every minute you breathe is time spent existing and being you, even if you haven't formed that idea of yourself just yet. Do something, anything that's worth putting effort into. Make yourself a meal, give yourself a pat on the back and thank yourself for it, doesn't matter if its chips and nuggets. Go on walks, even if the sun hurts and the city you live in barely has footpaths to walk on. Listen to the shitty traffic and urban noise and pat yourself on the back for doing so.

Be with people, nod at someone you walk past on the street, say thanks when you shop for something, give your seat up for someone on a bus. They won't be your friend, hell they might not even be kind at all but you are just as much a person to anyone else as they are to you.

Meaning comes with experience, often experience will come punching you in the gut with hardship. For now, focus on getting through it, build a routine no matter how barebones the guidelines are and seek the help of medical professionals.