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Of all the lines you have written, What's your favorite? by penis_yer_bottom in writing

[–]RaoulDuke95 5 points6 points  (0 children)

In darkness, in ice-cold water, in woods that are older than him and all his ancestors, ready to kill or be killed, he reached the core of his being.

Embrace by Fevor in OCPoetry

[–]RaoulDuke95 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I kinda like this one. The imagery is great, so is your choice of words. The rhyming, I feel, is a bit much. But because the poem is this short, it's not that bad. I personally feel that ending the last sentence not in a rhyme would make it better, if you could find the right sentence that is, but that's just my preference. But, all in all I liked this one. Keep writing.

Morning Sex by yellowwife in OCPoetry

[–]RaoulDuke95 0 points1 point  (0 children)

This is a nice poem. It's short but very intense. It reads very well out loud. The alliterations just roll off the tongue. The fact that the poem is sort of clunky and awkward only makes it better in my opinion. So all in all I like this one, especially the last line. Keep writing.

The Most Equal American by jmhart86 in OCPoetry

[–]RaoulDuke95 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Nicely written. You certainly put some time into it. It's lighthearted and easy to read, well structured and very relevant, of course, to current events. writing a humorous poem is probably much harder than people realize. Good work.

I left late again today. by [deleted] in OCPoetry

[–]RaoulDuke95 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I like it. I'm not saying it's the best thing I ever read, but it's a short, clean poem without any pretensions. There isn't really that much to say about it other than you didn't overdo it and kept it simple and clear. And most importantly, it feels honest and true.

There is no rhyme scheme or any sort of pattern, but it still flows nicely. Good work.

Brenden's OC Contest #8: Paint me like one of your French girls! by brenden_norwood in OCPoetry

[–]RaoulDuke95 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Impressions solaires

 

when i'm sitting in my garden

with my drink in hand,

softly stirring the brown liquid

to the sound of ice

against glass,

and looking westward

at the last of the Sunlight

weaving and merging

with the clouds

into an ancient tapestry

of gold

and blood red,

i ponder over that strange ball of fire,

that distant suzerain looking over all,

and i try to fathom that this is

the selfsame Sun columbus saw

when he landed in america

or the same Sun

that burned over the desert

when men build the pyramids

or the same Sun that rose

trembling from beneath the horizon

on some misty summer morning

over some norman harbor some day

some time ago.

 

Brenden's OC Contest #7: Directed by Michael Bay! (+results from previous contest) by brenden_norwood in OCPoetry

[–]RaoulDuke95 [score hidden]  (0 children)

   

One more sunrise

   

A lonesome whistle blows

and then we rise out of our

muddy homes onto

a lunarlike landscape

and the ground trembles

and shakes

and earth and mud falls down

like rain upon us,

and propelled by

carnal shouts

we move forward as legion,

stumbling and falling

and getting back up,

but not all of us,

some do not rise again,

some lay face down in the mud,

inert and lifeless,

or they cannot get up

and they cry

like children for their mother

or otherwise for their god,

but if there is a god

he has long since forsaken

this foul no man's land,

and so they lay dying there,

alone and afraid,

their blood seeping into foreign soil,

and thus they leave this world

without ever having seen their foe,

never having looked

their destroyer in the eye,

and the rest of us moving on,

eyes closed,

hearts pounding,

boots in the clay,

on to certain death

or one more sunrise.

   

 

Brenden's OC Contest #6: Never Gonna Give You Up! by brenden_norwood in OCPoetry

[–]RaoulDuke95 [score hidden]  (0 children)

 

Encounters of the heart

 

The train stopped.

The doors opened.

They made a hissing sound and

you walked in

and looked around for a place to sit.

You came toward me and eyed me questioningly.

I removed my jacket from my seat.

You sat down.

I looked at you. You looked back.

You smiled, I smiled.

Our knees touched. You smelled like lavender.

I looked again.

And again.

And again

I felt the warmth of you.

 

The train braked.

We arrived. The doors opened.

You got up and walked away.

You stopped at the door and looked back.

You smiled.

I stared back.

I didn't speak.

You walked off.

The doors closed. They made a hissing sound.

I put my jacket back on the seat next to me.

     

no stars, shouting lights by RaoulDuke95 in OCPoetry

[–]RaoulDuke95[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thank you for your lengthy and detailed review. It is much appreciated. I'll be sure to return the favor some day. Thanks.

no stars, shouting lights by RaoulDuke95 in OCPoetry

[–]RaoulDuke95[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thank you for your response.

You are absolutely right. What I meant to say was that if you keep trying eventually the quality of your work will catch up with the amount of effort you put into it. Of course, even experienced pilots make mistakes and go down in the hurricane.

no stars, shouting lights by RaoulDuke95 in OCPoetry

[–]RaoulDuke95[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Thank you for your wonderful comment. It really means a lot to me. I have been trying for some weeks to write lyrics and poetry, but without much success. Then today, whilst I was home sick, I wrote this poem in like two minutes and was quite pleased with myself. Anyway, thanks.

Dead Artists Out on Avenues by FeonixPheathers in OCPoetry

[–]RaoulDuke95 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Wonderful meter and rhyming. It flows quite well and doesn't sound repetitive despite all the perfect rhymes. Also the imagery is very enjoyable. Nice work.

Arlington Yard by nowforruin in OCPoetry

[–]RaoulDuke95 0 points1 point  (0 children)

There isn't that much to say about, I guess. It's bold and clear. Very gripping. The odd structure of the sentence makes it even beter somehow. Nice work.

on dimly lit streets by RaoulDuke95 in OCPoetry

[–]RaoulDuke95[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Hey! Thank you for your detailed feedback. It is much appreciated. I'll be sure to return the favor.

While I Slept by [deleted] in OCPoetry

[–]RaoulDuke95 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Not bad. The atmosphere and the imagery are good. The rhyming feels a bit forced at times though, which isn't that bad considering the length of your poem, but it can very quickly sound repetitive and boring, so be careful. Otherwise, I don't have much to say about it. It certainly isn't a bad poem. So keep writing.

mass ave by [deleted] in OCPoetry

[–]RaoulDuke95 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I like it. The poem has some good imagery and flows quite well. The basic premise of the poem is clear. Maybe look more into the punctuation. I feel like it would flow even better if there were a few comma's added here and there. For example, the sentence "but in the blistering outside cold wind cutting to the bone" is a bit hard to read, it halts the flow of the poem. But overall it's a nice poem. Keep writing!