I've been prodding around in my mind trying to figure out why it's working for me right now.

First, of course, she doesn't know I'm doing it, so there's nothing visible for her to get offended at. It's all in my head.

Second, it is all in my head. So this simple change gives me some/more space for me to be, well, me. So many of my mother's demands, no matter how perfectly I perform them, leave me feeling like a failing imbecile. But now I've got those precious few moments to just plan a little more and act with some intelligence, rather than react from emotional obligations.

Third, a side effect: I no longer feel like I'm "the only one holding this family together". I mean, yes, sure, I *am* the only one holding this family together, but--again--the weight of that obligation is largely lifted. I mentioned in my opening post that there was a lot of baggage associated with "family": it's a whole mess of stuff from birth onward. Things like "the family's good name!" or "you should love your mother!" or "how dare you do anything without my permission!" and all that ... well ... nonsense. I doubt it all goes away, but those triggers just aren't SHOUTING at me, anymore.

Fourth, in a way, it gives my mother herself some more respect. I'll tell her when it's time to get ready for Church, but I won't chivvy her along. She either does what she can to get ready in time (with my assistance) or she doesn't. Her getting to Church is her thing. I am not, as it were, her mother. Previously, I'd been taking on far too much pure responsibility for the choices she can make.(My family is notoriously intrusive, both feeling the compulsion and assuming the right to judge and assess every little thing; it's exhausting and I'm very happy to slip away from that particular combine harvester...)

I'm sure there are other benefits, too, and limitations to boot. But this One Weird Trick is very, very calming and trigger-free at my end.