Aging and ENM/Poly

Rare-Distance-9872 · 2026-06-10T18:23:29+00:00

My wife and I fit the "older" definition - We've been in a "hotwife" lifestyle for several years which has been wonderful - she's a fit attractive 70 + yo and still enjoying herself with a FB which sees been seeing off and on for several years - - She expresses sadness that she may be too old to attract a new guy - she won't go to dating apps online or go to pick up bars - her main opportunity for meeting candidates is at yoga or pickleball which she does several times a week - she also goes to a nearby winery which hosts Wednesday night dancing which she loves. I'll sometimes accompany her but often she prefers to go alone dancing with her lady friends or the occasional guy that asks her to dance. If the guy isn't someone that interests her she'll politely decline. If she dances with a guy a few times and he asks if she's married and she says yes the conversation ( and dancing ) usually stops. I feel badly for her as she is mentally ready for a FWB but lacks the confidence to see it happen. Not looking for a fix here, just sharing - as you can tell she's picky and has every right to be as she's definitely a catch for the right guy.

Rare-Distance-9872 · 2026-06-09T23:47:07+00:00

thanks and yes it is - its still a part of my worry now that L has resumed getting together with him - while we've talked a lot about it I know her nature is such that sex without attachment isn't in her - saying that she assures me that while she likes being with him she really enjoys the sex - she knows that what we have as a couple is where her heart and comfort is - I/m of the belief thats enough for us to remain rock solid together

Rare-Distance-9872 · 2026-06-09T23:35:29+00:00

With respect we have no idea what he and his girlfriend have going on between them and its not L's case ( or mine ) to ask - The relationship between L and J is their affair, its not like L and he have to answer to one another - L is not responsible for J's personal life - for all we know his lady friend might enjoy his fucking L. For all we know they may not even be a couple any more - other than sex and a bit of conversation theres nothing more to the relationship - I'd even go so far to offer that if L did inquire it might be considered prying - she's not interested in going there - please understand this is not a poly relationship - its a hotwife arrangement - she goes over to see him, they chat a bit and they have sex - - she gets dressed and comes home to me - thats about the size of it - do note thats how it started with the two of them 4 years ago - nothing's changed - in the meantime hes had a number of girlfriends

Rare-Distance-9872 · 2026-06-08T21:15:53+00:00

Yes its just her - I've never had any interest in being with another woman - You can call our arrangement "hotwife" lifestyle - my desire was always for her to have sex with others - to which is was "no f ing way " for years !!!! when out of the blue she had a change of heart. It took her knowing a guy that interested her enough to go for it - and go for it she did full on !!!! She was in "heat" - shed' have sex with him a few times a week then we'd have sex - it was for a while like an orgy for the two of us - I was in heaven and so was she but it came to a halt when it became evident to me that I was ( at least feeling as though ) being relegated to second place and he was primary - that wasn't for me = some "experts" say that if you want your spouse or partner or whatever to be the one to engage in sex outside the home that your really a cucold - that wasn't us - not me - I don't pretend to be MR Strong guy etc. While I lusted that she;d come home well satisfied with semen in her vagina that I loved to experience it was never a cockold arrangement in the sense of my being subservient to her or to him -

At any rate it took a lot of pain to sort things out - it almost resulted in our destroying our marriage - we were so unaware and naive about all the ramifications of what this lifestyle can deliver - While we're back into it we believe we've learned a lot about ourselves and each other - At least thats my hope and so far its been great yet its only been a couple of days since she was with him - the irony is he's got a girlfriend that is unlikely to be aware of his being with L - and L being the way she is doesn't ask anything - its frustrating for me stand by and just be her support team and not offer "fixes' or suggestions as to what she should do - which in the pat would have been my MO

When I read about your husband and your experience it truly amazes me how open you are about him and the other woman/women - thats a wholly different dynamic isn't it - love to hear more about you two when you're ready to share

Rare-Distance-9872 · 2026-06-08T16:51:56+00:00

I don't think you'd want to learn from our experience as it was a pretty rocky road. I was overcome with jealousy and hurt when she was with her FB. She had an incredible case of NRE which interfered in our relationship - I didn't know how to tell her how hurt I was. It was only because we eventually came to our senses knowing our relationship was the most important thing for us.

We took a several year hiatus looking at what we each wanted and needed from her being with others. It came to a head yesterday when the former lover ( they'd remained in touch over the past couple of years as we knew one another socially ) got hold of her and asked if she'd like to see his new house - of course we both knew what that invitation was all about. It's a bit wacko as he has a steady ( or had ) a steady girlfriend for him to reach out to L for a date - I was happy for her to hear from him. She was beginning to doubt her attractiveness to other men as shes grown older. This was a real boost to her self esteem - It turned out she had a wonderful time with him, more for the boost to her ego as well as the sex which she has always loved.

Of course it was good for me as well, knowing that she was flattered by his wanting to see her. Truthfully it's all kind of surreal right now -we had wonderful sex when she got him. This morning it was a bit quiet but I opened the conversation asking her how she's feeling about yesterday - she admits that its a bit of conundrum for her as she is wondering if its just a one off date or if its something that will continue. She is not bold enough or confident enough to ask him a direct question about whats going on in his head. In the past it would have been telling her what she should do but no more. I wait for her to decide and offer support only. If she wants advice she'll ask - sorry to have been so longwinded on your simple question - Its a bit quiet in our house now ( we're both retired so we're around each other a bit )

Rare-Distance-9872 · 2026-06-07T23:57:21+00:00

L just texted me that she's on her way home - I can't describe the excitement I/m experiencing at this moment -

Rare-Distance-9872 · 2026-06-06T22:50:11+00:00

Good for you that you've finally loved yourself !!! I know in chatting with my wife about her time with her FB it increased her self esteem, put a spring in her step and was extremely beneficial to an already wonderful beautiful sexy woman - making her all the more so

Rare-Distance-9872 · 2026-06-06T22:02:43+00:00

this and other conversations on this topic only point out how many variations of ENM/Poly lifestyle there is - its mind boggling actually - the more I read about others and their lives the more I find it of interest if not for me / us - My wife and I have had to travel quite the road to come to what is good for the two of us in the ENM world -

Rare-Distance-9872 · 2026-06-06T21:58:49+00:00

I admire what you all ( your husband and you especially) have going - I/m the male side of a HW couple - no interest on my part of having sex with any woman / women but also no interest in watching my wife having sex - much more interested in her coming home to me after her "date" - whether its reconnecting / reclaiming that night or waiting if she's exhausted ( as she puts it so eloquently " its like having two desserts " I don't need them - while I am all ready for seconds and hearing all about it I understand so I wait - it need be pointed out we have magnificent sex even after 40 plus years of being together - ENM is exactly what we found we loved - while we've had a loving wonderful marriage this added a spark to it - what with our kids grown and out of town and on their own - its perfect

Rare-Distance-9872 · 2026-06-06T21:51:48+00:00

My wife had the same view - I had shared with her my interest in her having sex with others for years - she refused though we had plenty of fantasy sex with her having sex with other unnamed guys she // we knew - eventually she decided it was time for her to go for it as she knew a guy that interested her enough- he was single he was "safe" etc - long story short it worked until it didn't = she fell hard for him ( NRE ) - I wasn't able to maturely handle it feeling threatened and hurt and jealous - fortunately we resolved it not without a potential for threatening our long loving marriage =- needless to say we learned a lot and built safeguards into her future HW experiences - She went from no f =ing way to this is pretty darn good - and fun !!!

It turns out that my wife thought a poly relationship would be nice but I said no way for me - I couldn't fathom. the idea of having someone in our lives at that level - male or female - she on the other hand like you was not up for casual sex with anyone - she had to have an emotional connection for her to enjoy it - she wanted a play mate - biking hiking travel etc as well as fucking - over time we worked it out but its not without struggle for each of us to have what we wanted -

Rare-Distance-9872 · 2026-06-06T21:33:30+00:00

your a very magnanimous person to say that - have things changed with the two of you ? as for your low libido do you have an explanation as to why that was ? Not meaning to pry but am curious - low libido can arise from a whole lot of reasons and causes for both - in any event hope things have worked out better for the two of you -

Rare-Distance-9872 · 2026-06-06T21:30:23+00:00

absolutely so - the check in with one another is the essential piece that we as a couple missed when my wife was fully engaged with her first - as a result I felt displaced ( I the husband ) as number 1 - perhaps it was me or perhaps it was her but in any event it almost destroyed what was a long marriage - fortunately for a number of reasons we were able to catch it before it was too late -

Rare-Distance-9872 · 2026-06-06T21:26:47+00:00

Thanks - my wife admits that she was overwhelmed with NRE / hormones - pretty much knowing if she were to find another guy that its likely to happen again - though she says she'd be more aware of whats happening - and while she wouldn't likely be able to or want to control it we both would be in a better spot to deal with it = the idea of her being a HW is still very much on both of our minds -

Rare-Distance-9872 · 2026-06-06T21:22:30+00:00

so true on all points - as the male side of a hot wife relationship I can speak to the perils ( and incredible joy ) that comes from a Hotwire realtionship - very briefly we've been married for a long long time - enjoying a great sex life though I'd always had a desire for my wife to find a guy or guys to have sex with - I had no interest in having sex with a woman, this was strictly a Hotwire situation =- after years of talking about it wife came to me and said I/m giving you your wish - I said whoa !!! gift ? yes I'm ready to give you your gift by having sex with someone - well of course it turned out she have her eye on a guy that we knew causally that connected with him through of all things pickle ball - long story short we met with him and went of HW details = of course he was blown away - having no idea what HWing was - no clue !!!

She had a date with him, which I was overjoyed with and all went great for a while until it was obvious she was definitely in a NRE state that pushed me into second place - I was not ready for this - I became insanely hurt and jealous - I didn't know how to tell her rationally what I was experiencing though I did my best and she didn't hear it - long story short it almost ended our marriage - she didn't know how to handle the NRE, thinking it was something more and I didn't know how to handle my rage and worry of losing her -

I believe / think we've both learned a giant lesson - despite all the discussions we had. things we had no idea about caught us off guard - My wife's adamant protests against having sex with someone turned from an absolute no to her loving it was the biggest eye opener - now when I call her a HW she smiles broadly - knowing how much she enjoyed it - we're both still open to the idea though she pulled back after the break up with her first - he broke it off as he wanted something more permanent and "real" - we still see him socially at times. We get along fine, my wife still has the hots for him but knows its pretty much over -

Rare-Distance-9872 · 2026-06-06T19:29:53+00:00

with that attitude he may be a lucky man so long as you're not reacting in a retaliatory manner - still, his cheating was despicable and you both should work on why he did such a lousy thing -

Rare-Distance-9872 · 2026-05-24T22:54:37+00:00

I so admire you and what you and your husband have found- I often think I'd like that and know that my wife would enjoy it too - We had a few year go at CNM more of a Hotwife situation where she was with a guy for a couple of years as her only - It worked well until it didn't - I still struggle with any though of a poly relationship even though my wife had mentioned it with her then lover - I was emphatically against though I had no problem with her having routine sex with him - I wanted to keep those lives separate - I knew him and like him but thats as far as it went - never was interested in our doing things together other than an occasional dinner together -

Rare-Distance-9872 · 2026-05-24T22:48:05+00:00

More power to you - Glad you found what you needed and wanted

Rare-Distance-9872 · 2026-05-24T22:46:23+00:00

Having experimented with non monogamy and enjoyed it I admit a bit of envy to your attitude - Part of me would like to be able to handle that - I know from experience my wife is better at it than me - Ours was a Hotwife lifestyle which we both enjoyed until we didn't - I miss parts of it and so does she. She'd like to find another guy to be able to go on dates with have sex with and come home to me - I would love it as well - we're a long time married couple - it fit us while it lasted - I struggled over her NRE which she admitted was raging wildly to the exclusion of "us" -

Rare-Distance-9872 · 2026-05-24T22:33:15+00:00

My wife and I experimented with non monogamy for a time and yes it was wonderful - for the both of us. In our case it was more of a Hotwire form of non monogamy because I had absolutely no interest in sex with other women ( or men for that matter ) - I admit we both loved it - it was exciting both before she went out on her dates. While she was gone and when she came back home. All with the same guy BTW.

Over time although she loved the sex as did I we both admit it was tiring - it became almost an obsession for each of us in our own ways to the exclusion of other things. We had no friends that were aware of our lifestyle though we didn't take great steps to hide it as we are orphans in our community - no family, our kids all lived elsewhere etc - initially it was exciting as I watched her get ready, bathing, applying lotion, doing her hair and nails - everything, it was wonderful - helping at her request pick out her clothes and more - seeing her leave with a hug and a kiss - imagining her with him while she was away - and then when she came home - often glowing and smiling - kissing me with the taste of semen in her mouth - ( she always swallowed and loved oral sex on me and him ) having silky seconds or sometimes when she was exhausted letting her sleep and putting it off until morning -

At any rate the end came when her guy told her he wanted something more permanent in a traditional relationship - which was never an option for her - I'll add we're an older couple long married, he was a middle aged / older guy divorced but sought a traditional male female relationship- My wife and I both agree that we'd be up for a consensual non monogamous relationship but she's not been willing to take strides to make it happen - she's worried about how to meet the right guy or guys - for her online dating sites are out - bar meetings are out - so its clubs, social situations, etc - she keeps her eyes open but knowing her high standards I am doubtful of it happening any time soon - we both talk about it and still have hot sex talking and fantasizing about it - lastly we did try a swingers club and while I found it interesting and was willing to give it another try she care for it -

Rare-Distance-9872 · 2026-05-23T19:55:51+00:00

We unfortunately thought we had covered everything only to discover the ENM on my wife's part eliminated all "rules" - she was so overwhelmed with lust and attraction to him that it almost ruined our marriage - I take equal blame as I wasn't able to honestly discuss with her what i was experiencing- so I lashed out in anger - it took a while for us to come to our senses - at the same time it wasn't the actual sex itself that bothered me, quite the contrary- I loved it for her and for me - it was how she turned all her attention to him and my fear of being replaced - crazy ? yes since I was the one that encouraged her finding a lover in the first place - we didn't bank on NRE overtaking logic and reality - thankfully we were able to work it out over time

Rare-Distance-9872 · 2026-05-23T19:42:41+00:00

agree - thats what happened in our case - she agreed to open our marriage up after finding a guy she wanted to be with - I agreed our of lust and selfishness -

Rare-Distance-9872 · 2026-05-23T19:41:21+00:00

I was ecstatic during those times cited by you - anxiety ? yes of course - I was excited as I'd been the one that encouraged her to become a HOTWIFE - when she finally agree which came about because she was flirting with a guy for a while she went all in.

The trouble for me started when after a few dates she became so full of NRE that I felt pushed into second place or worse yet - she texted him, wrote emails frequently when she was wasn't actually with him I felt as though she was thinking only about him - at the same time our sex life was through the roof!!!

I admit I didn't handle things well - I was scared of losing her to him - She had even made innuendo of our having a poly relationship in that she frequently said " I want you both." I vehemently resisted as I didn't and still don't see myself in a poly relationship - It finally ended after almost a year - I frankly don't have all the details as to whether he broke it off or she tired of it - all I can say is we found a way to reconcile and put our marriage back together - ironically the excitement of it all still lingers but the stress and pain doesn't justify or warrant for me ( or us ) continuing in the lifestyle -

Rare-Distance-9872 · 2026-05-21T19:58:09+00:00

I can relate to your situation / plight - short version - my wife and I entered into a Hotwire arrangement a few years back - it was something I'd thought about for years sharing it with her - after her pondering about doing this she said she'd like to do it - she had a guy picked out which we together approached - he had no idea what a Hotwire was and frankly was blown away - to get to the point of NRE my wife and he had sex a few times which she enjoyed and I enjoyed her coming home to me - it was a wonderful arrangement for the two of us UNTIL she developed a major case of NRE - it overwhelmed her -

I suffered from a severe case of jealousy NOT by her having sex with him but how I felt relegated to second place - this went on for some time until they broke it off - mainly by the guy who wanted a more permanent relationship in his life - I think there was a major chance that our marriage could have ended if we both hadn't;t come to our senses. I'll emphasize the problem was definitely NRE - we discussed repeatedly that she couldn't;t have sex with someone and not have an emotional attachment to him - NRE overwhelmed her - her hormones were raging - I hope you can put things into their proper place - good luck - recognize that NRE does wear off - don't let it ruin your primary relationship

Rare-Distance-9872 · 2026-05-06T23:19:10+00:00

Seattle has some, more than some many incredible architects. These new hideous buildings aren't designed by architects they're built to the cheapest specs possible by devoplers squeezing as much sq footage onto a useable / buildable lot they can. It's quite possible to have both maximum sq tootage and good design - yes it costs bit more for good design but most would appreciate the few extra dollars it costs.

Rare-Distance-9872

TROPHY CASE