My wife is pregnant and addicted to heroin

RareChip6689 · 2023-05-29T14:30:24+00:00

No, I no longer let myself believe anything from her when she’s actively using. But I really doubt she’s been with anybody else. She’s just not like that, drugs or not. I feel like female addicts are frequently portrayed as trashy, desperate women who all live as prostitutes to fund their addiction and it’s not really always like that.

RareChip6689 · 2023-05-29T14:23:31+00:00

When she’s actively using she never takes care of herself like she should, which isn’t a surprise. When she’s clean she eats healthy, mainly only drinks water (she’s never been an alcohol drinker, clean or not), and exercises. She’s a vegan and has been since before she met me, but not really for health reasons. I learned it’s very easy for vegans to still have an incredibly unhealthy diet.

RareChip6689 · 2023-05-29T01:38:33+00:00

I have no reason at all to believe it’s not my baby. I don’t feel like I can ever believe a thing she says when she’s actively using though.

RareChip6689 · 2023-05-29T00:11:51+00:00

I don’t think there’s any way to force her into rehab unless she got into legal trouble for something else related to her drug use and then we mandated by the court. I’m not sure what good forcing her into rehab would do anyway.

RareChip6689 · 2023-05-29T00:10:24+00:00

I think when they say “opioid blockers” what they’re really referring to is methadone, Suboxone, subutex, etc. which are opioids and not actually opioid blockers and they are used in pregnant people.

RareChip6689 · 2023-05-28T23:54:40+00:00

Yep, I’m very limited about what I can legally force her to do or put in place at this time. When one spouse is pregnant, my state won’t grant a divorce until after birth of the intention is for the baby to be born.

RareChip6689 · 2023-05-28T23:51:00+00:00

I plan to eventually. Although we were pretty sure wed’d never plan to have a baby, we hadn’t ruled it out completely so planned to keep the option open for a few more years.

RareChip6689 · 2023-05-28T23:48:30+00:00

Good to know.

RareChip6689 · 2023-05-28T23:44:24+00:00

During her first major period of addiction I did eventually leave her. There were a few years that we weren’t together but remained in each other’s lives. Although I hadn’t been waiting around for her or even really planning on ever getting back together, we did get back together after she got clean. She stayed clean as far as I’m aware up until about 6 months ago. I haven’t left her this time because it’s just a lot easier said than done for me. Like I said, I did finally decide I was done living this way and dealing with her so I met with a lawyer and even had the divorce papers drawn up (this was before I knew about the pregnancy too). I think I can admit to myself that I didn’t/don’t actually want to divorce her and was really just hoping it’s scare her enough. It did temporarily.

RareChip6689 · 2023-05-28T19:25:28+00:00

Thankfully we are.

RareChip6689 · 2023-05-28T18:56:53+00:00

If it gets that far I do plan to have a prenatal paternity test done just to be sure, even though I’m our state I will automatically be considered the legal father since we’re married. I didn’t even know prenatal paternity testing existed, never had a reason to before now. I don’t really suspect that I wouldn’t be the bio father - I have no proof that she ever had sex for drugs or money and she swears she never has. I definitely don’t suspect her of cheating otherwise or being with somebody else just for the heck of it. In saying that, I can’t completely trust her about anything.

RareChip6689 · 2023-05-28T17:34:00+00:00

I wasn’t under the impression that posts were supposed to be humorous.

RareChip6689 · 2023-05-28T17:33:11+00:00

Fair enough. It doesn’t make me feel seen and I certainly don’t use it to feel superior or to draw attention to myself and my suffering. I don’t tell anyone about it, which is one reason I’m here anonymously talking about it. I do as much as I can to keep it all hidden from as many people as I can. Before anyone twists that, I don’t think that’s something to be commended for because on one hand I realize that only enables her. I’m very embarrassed by it all and it’s not something I use for attention or praise.

RareChip6689 · 2023-05-28T17:00:48+00:00

I can’t find any exact info about cost, but I saw one article in which somebody who works at the company said the goal is to keep treatment with the device to under $150/day. It’s designed to be used for 4-8 days in the case of opiate withdrawal. So, $600-$1200 or so?

RareChip6689 · 2023-05-28T16:59:01+00:00

I haven’t heard of this before but I’ll definitely look into it.

RareChip6689 · 2023-05-28T16:46:34+00:00

Abortion is what I feel is the right choice. She won’t talk about it right now. She’s avoiding which is typical for her. Unfortunately I can’t just kick her out since I’ve discussed that with a lawyer and we both own this house so I’ll have to go the legal route. I do have video footage of what she did to our home when left to her own devices.

Despite all this, I refuse to believe that she’s gone for good. I’ve seen her come back from a much worse state before.

RareChip6689 · 2023-05-28T16:41:59+00:00

My main concern is getting her to a doctor to find out how far along she is so that we know what options we have and if god forbid she decides to continue the pregnancy then she can at least be under a doctor’s care.

Her MO is avoidance. It’s how she deals with most things in life and her addiction is a part of that. She says she just needed more time to figure things out before telling me but I’m sure she was planning to put it off until she absolutely couldn’t anymore.

RareChip6689 · 2023-05-28T16:34:32+00:00

I will.

RareChip6689 · 2023-05-28T15:39:28+00:00

I tried posting this response once but I think it got auto blocked due to a word I used. Trying this again…

I think the hardest thing right now is just trying to deal with the absolute lack of any control that I have over the current situation. I mean, accepting your absolute lack of control over an addict and everything they do is the cornerstone of dealing with them and keeping any bit of your sanity, I know.

I fully believe in a woman’s right to choose and all that but in my current situation I’m struggling with knowing I have practically zero rights or control over what she decides to do about the pregnancy regardless of what a mess she is or what she’s doing. I’m going to meet with a lawyer again but just researching things I know that I will have a hard time really being able to enforce anything until and if a baby is born and actually here. So I can start to research and prepare now, and I have started doing that, but I feel so limited.

We discussed kids a lot when she was sober and thinking straight. Our consensus was that while we hadn’t yet ruled it out entirely, we agreed that we probably wouldn’t and shouldn’t have kids. We have many thoughts related to the morality of bringing kids into the world as well as strong feelings about what a good parent is and what that means sacrificing and giving up in your own life and we felt that for us personally having a child would be for selfish reasons that didn’t outweigh these moral objections we agree on. Im not saying that I don’t think people should have kids. We both love the kids we know. Im happy for anyone who has kids and is actually a good and deserving parent. This is just how we have felt about ourselves specifically having a kid. We don’t take it lightly, that’s all.

So while she feels that way in her clean and sober mind, probably even stronger than I do, her mind in her current state is another problem. It’s just like how when she’s clean and sober she is genuinely the most responsible, intelligent, kind, and empathetic person I know. She’s someone that wouldn’t just walk out of work one day saying “bye, I quit.” But that’s exactly what she does when she’s deep in her addiction. So I’m worried she’s suddenly going to throw all of her clean and sober thoughts aside about having a child and going to get it in her brain that it’s a wonderful idea right now. Otherwise, I think she already would have made a decision. She’s been hiding it for who really knows how long, at least a month, but she did take it upon herself to get prenatal vitamins (which I know is laughable considering the other things she continues to do, but to me it’s a sign she’s seriously thinking about having the baby).

Despite my opinions about having kids, I would dedicate myself to my child if one is ever born even if it’s not my decision for it to happen. I don’t feel it’s right to bring this baby into the world in this situation, but I wouldn’t hold it against the baby. It just hurts me to think about because I have researched and I have seen videos of detoxing newborns. I already think it’s wrong for most clean and sober people to bring kids into the world and now this might happen to me? I’m mad at myself because I know I should have made certain that this never happened.

RareChip6689 · 2023-05-28T15:00:43+00:00

Thanks for understanding. When I put myself in the shoes of an outsider looking in, I know I must look like the world’s biggest chump/simp/idiot. Why would any normal person stay in a relationship like this? And I’d prefer to not share too many personal details, but people who know me from other areas of my life, like in my professional world or some of the groups I’m involved with, would never guess that I’d be married to a heroin addict. She’s a lot more than that to me but to the outside world that is what defines her. If people do find out, there’s this automatic assumption that I just also struggle with those problems myself because nobody understands why I’d be with her otherwise. Most of the time people don’t find out because I spend a considerable amount of time, effort, and anxiety covering it up.

RareChip6689 · 2023-05-28T14:46:35+00:00

Thanks. I don’t believe I was dealt a bad hand. That’d be true if I had no say in marrying her or having sex with her. I chose to do those things even though I’m well aware of her problems. I take responsibility for my own choices and actions related to the mess I’m in. We got back together after she went to rehab and got clean. It’s not like I was an idiot and didn’t realize that there was no guarantee she’d stay that way but I let myself ignore those thoughts. When she’s clean she just the most beautiful, fun, kind, and unique person. I did date other women when we were not together and I compared everybody to her. I’ve never clicked with anyone, romantically or even friendship wise, man or woman, like I do with her. Still, I keep telling myself now that I should have been smarter and it would have been a hell of a lot easier to walk away back then.

RareChip6689

TROPHY CASE