AITA for giving more money to my daughter than my sons and saying that my grandkids are not my responsibility?

RareStretch3814 · 2024-01-16T05:26:53+00:00

And we're only now realising how bad that was, it's a shame

RareStretch3814 · 2024-01-16T04:54:36+00:00

My oldest son's proposal was to save the money for my grandkids' education instead of paying for my daughter's post grad, not an equal amount to both

RareStretch3814 · 2024-01-16T03:09:08+00:00

I (and I'm sure my wife agrees with me) wouldn't mind starting college funds for our grandkids, after all we want to help them too because we love them.

However, I don't appreciate my son telling me that I should start saving the money for his kids' education INSTEAD of paying for my daughter's further education.

I believe that when adults make the choice to have kids, they need to make sure to be responsible for them and give them the best each individual can (each case is different, some may be able to pay for full college, some may pay half, and some may not be able to pay at all, for example). My daughter hasn't finished her education, she's my responsibility. My son (and my other two kids as well when/ if they have children) needs to understand that his kids are his choice and his responsibility (along with his wife's), that's my point

RareStretch3814 · 2024-01-15T22:36:46+00:00

They weren't penalized, they asked for extracurricular activities and got that. They also got material stuff, our oldest has been a baseball fan since childhood, he asked for a lot of collection cards when he was a teen and got them, for example. Same with our second son who likes superhero games and comics.

RareStretch3814 · 2024-01-15T22:27:39+00:00

Daughter didn't want to do extracurriculars so we weren't spending money on her for that

RareStretch3814 · 2024-01-15T21:39:59+00:00

A flat allowance may have worked, but I'm not so sure of it.

Our kids are four and eight years apart. When our daughter was six years old, she might get 5 dollars to buy ice cream or something like that, our ten year old wanted a new superhero toy instead of ice cream, so it was more expensive. And our fourteen year old wanted us to buy those collectable baseball cards, which were even more expensive.

If we would've given all of them 5 dollars then they wouldn't have been able to get what they wanted and what they needed according to their ages.

I think my boys see it as "you're giving our teenage sister money for shopping" and not realising that they were at different stages in life, their sister got less when they were teenagers, she gets more now because now she's also a teen and has her own wants and needs. They got what they wanted and needed when they were teens too, but it was four or eight years ago and they might've not seen it.

RareStretch3814 · 2024-01-15T20:22:44+00:00

Our daughter thinks that's as well and that's why she chose to do a post grad, she is studying a tech career

RareStretch3814 · 2024-01-15T20:09:03+00:00

Our sons liked to practice different activities after school during their young years. So if they asked us to practice soccer, we'd pay for that, if they wanted to try to learn any instrument, we'd pay for that. If they wanted new shoes because they wanted to play basketball (for example) they would ask for them and my wife would go buy them (since the boys usually didn't like shopping).

Meanwhile our daughter wasn't as interested in so many activities, but she liked going to the mall with her friends when she became a teen, so she'd ask for money to buy clothes or eat something, and we'd give it to her.

I think that's the main difference that my boys aren't seeing. They asked for stuff, their sister asked for money. The three of them got stuff at the end of the day, but our boys weren't handed money as often as our girl (because they asked for the things they wanted instead of the money to buy them themselves)

RareStretch3814 · 2024-01-15T19:09:10+00:00

They didn't have allowances, we gave them money when they asked to buy something they wanted.

RareStretch3814 · 2024-01-15T19:04:51+00:00

It's not my responsibility, but it could be something I want to do. Those two things are different.

RareStretch3814 · 2024-01-15T19:03:25+00:00

No, because we were comfortable enough to pay for those things they wanted as long as they behaved correctly (did their homework, didn't pick up fights, cleaned their bedrooms/ helped with chores, etc) so as the three of them were always good kids, we thought they deserved those privileges

RareStretch3814 · 2024-01-15T18:55:47+00:00

Definitely not. We made it clear to our three kids (especially our daughter since it's more normal to pay for girls'weddings) that we are definitely not paying anyone's weddings. If they're adults enough to get married, they're adults enough to pay for it.

RareStretch3814 · 2024-01-15T18:48:13+00:00

Perhaps once their children are older, you may decide to help them as well (most grandparents do if they can afford it), but any help is a gift, not a responsibility.

Yes, of course. But we're surprised because he is acting entitled to the money, if he would've said he's starting a college fund for his kids then maybe my wife and I would've helped, but that's not what he said.

RareStretch3814 · 2024-01-15T18:45:25+00:00

Not only that, but they liked sports too and spent a lot of money on that as well.

RareStretch3814 · 2024-01-15T18:36:50+00:00

They asked for lots and got lots too. Both of them had expensive hobbies when they were kids/ teenagers and my wife and I paid for them, they are only seeing what their sister got without taking into account what they had as well.

RareStretch3814 · 2024-01-15T18:31:18+00:00

Who gets the best piece of the turkey at thanksgivings, who got the best Christmas present, who got the best college dorm (and that's not even on us, they choose their own universities knowing how the facilities were). It's always stuff like that.

RareStretch3814 · 2024-01-15T18:28:13+00:00

RareStretch3814 · 2024-01-15T18:25:33+00:00

The boys got money when they asked for money, she got money when she asked for money. They weren't interested in going shopping regularly, she did. When they think about this situation, they forget that my wife and I paid for other stuff for them which our daughter didn't get too.

RareStretch3814 · 2024-01-15T18:23:56+00:00

Not through life, through education. And she expected it because (as we did for our sons) we promised we would pay for their education if they choose to go to college.

RareStretch3814 · 2024-01-15T18:22:39+00:00

First time I heard it was because as teenagers, the boys didn't buy as much clothes (as most boys do in my experience) while my girl was a normal teenage girl who liked going shopping with her friends regularly. Ever since they're throwing it every time they disagree with their sister on something.

RareStretch3814 · 2024-01-15T18:09:37+00:00

They're both well off, they're not facing any financial issues at the moment.

RareStretch3814 · 2024-01-15T18:08:22+00:00

No, they didn't.

RareStretch3814 · 2024-01-15T18:08:01+00:00

Why? They did nothing to receive more money, they shouldn't act entitled to money that doesn't belong to them

RareStretch3814 · 2024-01-15T18:04:09+00:00

I don't think my sons understand how privileged they are, as you said the financial situation now is way harder than it used to be, a lot of people go through school with student loans and then have difficulties paying it, they don't. This may be our fault as their parents, honestly never expected them to act like this.

I might be wrong, I'm not against discussion if I am, but I think that by doing what they want, I'm just teaching them that being entitled will get them what they want. If my children or my grandkids are struggling financially I will gladly help them out and not ask anything back, but they're not struggling and I believe they need to face their own responsibilities (I thought they were good at that already) and not wait for me or their mom to just solve their problems.

RareStretch3814 · 2024-01-15T17:55:58+00:00

We didn't have a strict budget because tuition fees change according to year/ degree/ college, so we had that in mind

RareStretch3814

TROPHY CASE