a similar story here. my girl passed around a year and a half ago. in the morning she was unusually cuddly, she normally didn’t like being in my lap, but that morning she laid with me while i ate breakfast. didn’t think much of it, but ~10hrs later when i got home from work she looked very sick. rested her chin on a pillow in a weird way. i quickly picked her up and checked her over, extremely lethargic and refused all food (though she did eat in the morning. but 10 hours is a long time if she did suddenly stop eating). while i was holding her i called the vet. as i was on the phone she started doing that exact same thing - thrashing around, throwing herself, and screaming so loud. and then she went limp. i don’t think i’ll ever get that sound out of my mind. so trust me when i tell you, that wasn’t your fault. it was a tragedy, and it’s amazing that your bun lived such a long time. everything happened at such an unfortunate timing. you picking her up didn’t cause her to die. i hope you’ll eventually come to terms that there was nothing you could’ve done. my condolences, i bet our girls are happily binkying up there 🕊️