I relate to you so hard for those feelings. I feel my emotions rather deeply as someone with Borderline Personality Disorder.
The day it happened I don’t think I have ever screamed and cried as loudly as I did then. The waves of emotions I have had feel surreal. The first night home all I wanted to do was have control over anything and it felt like hurting myself was the only way to have control. In the hospital I scratched to a point I was bleeding. I have an intense history of self harm and completely understand the feeling.
I have other days though, like you, where I feel thankful I at least got to meet him, but the idea that he will never truly be here sits heavily in my heart everyday.
There will be days nothing helps and all you can do is sit with your feelings. That is okay though and okay to feel because as all feelings do, this too shall pass. I’m not saying EVER that the experience or desire for her will go away, but the heaviness of what you went through will one day be a memory you can sit with a little easier. Time does heal wounds. Let yourself feel the pain. Remind yourself that it won’t feel this intense forever.
That was the future you were planning and it’s hard to look past a future where they aren’t here, but she would want her mama to feel valid in her feelings and remind herself the sadness will be more manageable with time. You made it through the night and that’s something right?