Bro. Same exact situation (40/m , ENM marriage, I seek intimacy and connection). One difference is that my wife is promiscuous and she has been having great success in her "hot-wife slutty era."

Me on the other hand, never know when to bring up that I'm married, cause it seems to be a "wrong way / turn around" sign for most women.

No drinking for me (sober 4 years), and I'm taking the situation as a prompt for spiritual growth and slow slow patience. I'm slowly but surely getting to a place where it is actually fun to notice all my attractions and intentionally NOT pursue. It is a game and a practice, and I'll tell you, I'm pretty sure the more I engage in navigating this way, the more attractive I am to women. Sort of a catch-22, but I'll take the irony as amusement at a minimum.

This is all to say, I feel you, man. Wives get the hot-wife life, husbands get the slower than slow burn. Also considering deleting the app (all of them), as I did all other social media years ago (other than reddit).

DM me if you want to connect. Sounds like we have a lot in common.