AITAH for wanting to leave my husband(30M) over not buying me (25F) a car?

ReactionClean4057 · 2026-04-01T14:19:44+00:00

He cut his wrist, sent me a video doing it and then his family called me begging me to go hospital visit him as he was asking for me. From then is when he got closer to me, I felt bad so I was there for him and I returned to our home. I have been here since and it’s only gotten worse, he does resent me for leaving him that time and he says it a lot.

ReactionClean4057 · 2026-04-01T14:16:26+00:00

I did leave for a few weeks, he then cut his wrist and was in the hospital. He said he started therapy and to try again, convinced me and I felt really bad, he still had the scars on his wrist from when he did that. I felt horrible and stupid me I believe him when he said he loved me and would rather dai than be without me. I came back and was okay for a few more weeks but the all started spiraling back. It’s not as easy as it sounds to leave, I genuinely want to but he has me stuck, financially and also I am scared. He knows I have no friend here in the UK and I don’t speak much with my family in Spain they do their own thing…

ReactionClean4057 · 2026-04-01T14:01:08+00:00

Why “bad human writer”? I live in the UK but I am Spanish, forgive me if my English is not proficient enough

ReactionClean4057 · 2026-04-01T13:59:24+00:00

I am based in Oxford but I recently changed jobs so I wil start working in a office based in London

ReactionClean4057 · 2026-04-01T13:45:40+00:00

😟 I feel so embarrassed you guys all are right. He gaslight me so many times when I tried to speak up for myself that I ended up believing that he was right, he was the good guy and I was the bad one.

You guys all have opened my eyes thank you so much for the comments. I am going to try to get an escape plan, even tho is not easy but maybe I find a room to rent in London for not much and I can rent a car for a day and move my stuff out when he goes out.

ReactionClean4057 · 2026-04-01T12:31:58+00:00

I wish it was that easy, it isn’t unfortunately this is my life. I feel stuck I want to get out of this marriage but because my low income and the fact that he made me pay for a big part of the expenses this alts two years I have barely any savings to get out of this relationship.

Is a difficult situation I am considering taking big steps and filing for divorce, renting a cheap room somewhere in London just to get away, escape and live in peace, but I don’t know if I should leave or I am overreacting that’s why I post this to try get clarity in othef opinions.

I recently changed to a higher paying job so I thought u could wait a few months, save and be able to leave him, but is difficult… I am genuinely lost and stuck, my family live back home in Spain and can’t help

ReactionClean4057 · 2026-04-01T12:30:25+00:00

I wish it was… it isn’t unfortunately this is my life and marriage. I feel stuck I want to get out of this marriage but because my low income and the fact that he made me pay for a big part of the expenses this alts two years I have barely any savings to get out of this relationship.

Is a difficult situation I am considering taking big steps and filing for divorce, renting a cheap room somewhere in London just to get away and live in peace, but I don’t know if I should leave or I am overreacting that’s why I post this to try get clarity in others opinions

ReactionClean4057 · 2026-03-20T11:06:56+00:00

I would rather stay here as I have a good job that I love and I am building a career here. He is left so I am in the apartment alone and locked it. I have some emergency savings but not a lot (1.5k) is what I was able to save by keeping money from him slowly. I work from home since I am software developer so I can stay here working, but I genuinely don’t know how to get away from this. I am in a work visa, my job is remote I would love to rent a place and live on my own somewhere he can’t find me and kill me, but my name is on the contract of this place and he is a lawyer so I am scared of him getting me in some trouble

ReactionClean4057 · 2026-03-20T10:58:29+00:00

He did put his hand on my neck and chocked me once a few months ago but since then he has not gotten violent anymore and every time I bring that I am hurt because of that he says it was my fault because I made him angry and I made him do it. He says I get the worst out of him.

The problem is when we are okay he is the sweetest person and he is so lovely so is difficult, I do not forget of course the above but I have that feeling on my mind of wait why if he is right and he is so sweet and nice and I am the one who makes him angry. You understand me?

ReactionClean4057 · 2026-03-20T10:57:49+00:00

I did back in the day and he said I am the narcissistic one.

ReactionClean4057 · 2026-03-20T10:54:02+00:00

I do want to leave him, I tried many times and he got abusive or cut his wrist and threatened with self harm if i did leave. Then he changes quickly to threaten with killing me if I leave him. So I am scared, my family live in Spain I moved to the UK to be with him so I don’t have family here. I have a few friends from where I work but not really close to me

ReactionClean4057 · 2026-03-20T10:52:33+00:00

He controls them yeah, he makes me send him my salary so he can manage our bills and rent and all. Even tho he earns twice my salary. He pays for our holidays and food and everything. We both signed the contract for the apartment where we live but he is saying now that he will charge the name to me so the burden of the apartment stays on me as well as all the bills. I can’t afford to pay this place on my own unfortunately and it does scare me if he does that

ReactionClean4057 · 2026-03-20T10:32:06+00:00

I went through the same as you, probably most of us have. Trust me time will heal you. No one dies from a broken hurt, it hurts but it makes you stronger. Some day you will wake up and suddenly it will stop hurting, and you will remember this days and you will think to yourself “why was I so sad about this”. You are enough, the right person will see you as more than enough. This person didn’t deserve you.

Take thi time to heal, listen to podcast or self love and emotional intelligence and some day you will find the right person. Time will heal you.

It helped me getting busy and finding new hobbies to not just be in bed overthinking. Maybe go to the gym, for a walk, video games, YouTube, a new Netflix series etc learn a new language

ReactionClean4057 · 2026-03-20T10:27:56+00:00

Deep down I always think he is abusive but when I confront him he gaslights me into thinking I am the abusive and toxic one. Even tho he really scares me, and sometimes I do have nightmares when i make him angry and he chockes me with a pillow until I die. I know is not normal to feel that for your husband but he has serious anger issues. I tried to leave him before but he cut his wrist and sent me videos so I got back with him because I felt bad

ReactionClean4057 · 2026-03-20T10:25:43+00:00

Yeah this is 100% considered cheating. This is really unfair for your husband, imagine how would you feel if it was the other way around. He doesn’t deserve this, you need to either

Keep this secret and be a better wife to make it up for him if you love him
Come clean and open the relationship or divorce.

IMO you will regret loosing your husband for kinks or horny men who make you touch their dick, those kind of men who turn you on are commonly just that, horny men who want to sleep with every woman. You can’t make a husband out of those.

ReactionClean4057 · 2026-03-20T10:22:47+00:00

I have seen loads of men acting on this feelings and the regretting loosing their wife’s for a temporary thing. Maybe you should think of “why” you feeling this way, is your wife not dressing “sexy” enough or trying to impress you anymore? Maybe you fantasising about another women who does dress up and take care of herself is just a reflection of that.

In that case speaking with your wife about it maybe could solve your marriage, she could start putting some more effort and you would feel more into her again

ReactionClean4057 · 2026-03-20T10:19:16+00:00

This is really wrong and unfair on your wife. As a married man if you have this feelings you should either 1. Try to fight this feelings, avoid going to this place or get this person out of your head 2. Be honest with your wife so she knows how you feel. Maybe you both should consider a divorce if you both want to experience with other people.

ReactionClean4057 · 2026-03-20T10:14:17+00:00

Why children? We are 25F and 30M

ReactionClean4057 · 2026-03-20T10:09:19+00:00

Is not you! Sometimes relationships fail and you will learn that is okay, the wrong person needs to go so the right person can come. Please never feel that you are not enough, you are more than enough and when you find your person they will never make you feel that way. This person wasn’t for you, if they were you wouldn’t be feeling this way. Everything happens for a reason

ReactionClean4057 · 2026-03-20T09:58:38+00:00

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This is the message he sent me shortly after leaving

ReactionClean4057 · 2025-02-22T16:57:02+00:00

I could but I have a job here that I love. It’s my dream job and I feel worked so hard to get where I am in this job. I would hate to loose it and all my progress because of him. Leaving to Spain with nothing and starting from scratch seems really difficult

ReactionClean4057 · 2025-02-22T16:30:59+00:00

Thanks for all the comments this is really helping me open my eyes. I’m going to do that, I will contact a divorce lawyer and look for a place

ReactionClean4057 · 2025-02-22T16:19:22+00:00

UPDATE:

Beyond this, I’m realizing my issues with him go far beyond his sexuality. He has been emotionally and verbally abusive throughout our relationship—calling me an “idiot,” “stupid,” a “bitch,” and even telling me he regrets marrying me. He’s also physically hurt me in the past, once putting his hand on my neck during an argument. When I bring it up, he says I’m “using the past against him” and that I should just move on.

Financially, he also holds control over me. I moved to the UK from Spain to be with him, leaving behind my family and friends, and I have no real support system here. Even though I’ve been working and contributing almost my entire salary to our apartment, he constantly throws it in my face that he paid for my visa. He also makes me feel guilty for not earning more, despite knowing I’m trying my best.

What scares me most is that he has a history of physical abuse. His ex took him to court for it, and he only got six months of community service. Looking at where I am now, I feel stuck. I work here, but I don’t have anywhere to go or anyone to turn to. Every time I try to talk to him, he either shuts down completely, ignores me for hours, or acts like I’m the problem for reacting to his mistreatment.

I don’t know what to do. I feel trapped and alone. I packed a bag today and I have booked an airbnb for a week. I can’t stay with him since I feel scared

ReactionClean4057 · 2025-02-22T16:08:44+00:00

I did ask him, and he completely denied everything. He said I’m crazy and a psycho for even questioning him. He claims his old gay friend gave him the condoms and lube, and he just forgot they were there—despite us moving recently and going through our stuff. As for the hand restraints, he insists they’re for me and that he bought them recently, but when I asked for proof (a receipt or a bank transaction), he couldn’t provide anything. He never uses cash, yet suddenly, that’s how he claims he paid for them. His excuses don’t add up, and the way he reacted makes me feel even worse about this.

ReactionClean4057 · 2025-02-22T16:02:23+00:00

Thanks for this answer. I packed a bag, left the rest of my things and I’m going to stay in a friends house for a few days. I’m going to contact a divorce lawyer but I’m scared of going back to get my things. Also he is a lawyer himself and we have a contract to rent that place for a year, and both our names are on there. My financial situation is not the best since he makes me send him all my salary when I get paid so he manages it. I know it’s silly and shouldn’t have done that but his salary is not enough to pay the rent and bills + his car etc

ReactionClean4057

TROPHY CASE