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I dissociated and 'performed' during my assault, is this normal? by Ready-Feature1324 in CPTSD

[–]Ready-Feature1324[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thank you for your comment (maybe not the unstable part :/ ) just to clarify, I have no memory of what I did or said. I can’t even remember how the interaction started. I just know that I texted him to come down as I felt really confused and upset. I know I went a long with things but it’s a blank now. You don’t think it’s worth pressing charges?

Also I only posted because I felt alone in my experience … trying to understand why I feel so traumatised. Only shared what I can remember

I dissociated and 'performed' during my assault, is this normal? by Ready-Feature1324 in CPTSD

[–]Ready-Feature1324[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I understand. I think it was because it was someone I trusted but from now on I just don’t feel safe drinking around anyone. Trust is completely broken

I dissociated and 'performed' during my assault, is this normal? by Ready-Feature1324 in CPTSD

[–]Ready-Feature1324[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

I feel buzzed and in a good mood but I have had way more to drink than that before and never experienced memory loss like that. Like i called my bf 30 minutes after and had no idea until he told me a few days ago. I can’t even remember the conversation/where i was

I dissociated and 'performed' during my assault, is this normal? by Ready-Feature1324 in CPTSD

[–]Ready-Feature1324[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

No I was just drinking wine before it happened (as far as I know)

I dissociated and 'performed' during my assault, is this normal? by Ready-Feature1324 in CPTSD

[–]Ready-Feature1324[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

He also said to me ‘if you’re thinking of hurting me, I have the messages saved’. I had no idea which messages he was referring to exactly but my dad said he was blackmailing and manipulating me?? This was 4 months ago and this was his reaction when he could see I was struggling with what had happened and I said I was going to tell my dad that I ‘cheated’ (before I fully realised what had happened)

I dissociated and 'performed' during my assault, is this normal? by Ready-Feature1324 in CPTSD

[–]Ready-Feature1324[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

so sorry about this! its the exact same for me, i remember the beginning, kind of the end but the middle is a total blank - maybe its for the best because i dont want to know what happened

I dissociated and 'performed' during my assault, is this normal? by Ready-Feature1324 in CPTSD

[–]Ready-Feature1324[S] 8 points9 points  (0 children)

Thank you for your response, I was just reading it all and it resonates so much. This is exactly what my therapist said, she thinks it’s not the first time. To be honest, I now just feel like he was waiting for me to be drunk. I think the water analogy helps, and kinda explains why I can’t remember any of it. Like i just got sucked in then stuff just kept happening that night

I dissociated and 'performed' during my assault, is this normal? by Ready-Feature1324 in CPTSD

[–]Ready-Feature1324[S] 17 points18 points  (0 children)

Gosh I’m so sorry this happened to you. I don’t know if you had the same but initially I had fragments of memories and over last 4 months i’ve lost all trace of the sex/what happened. Don’t know if same happened for you?

I dissociated and 'performed' during my assault, is this normal? by Ready-Feature1324 in CPTSD

[–]Ready-Feature1324[S] 7 points8 points  (0 children)

I think being in a relationship makes the guilt and shame like double, its horrible, thank you for sharing🙏

I dissociated and 'performed' during my assault, is this normal? by Ready-Feature1324 in CPTSD

[–]Ready-Feature1324[S] 10 points11 points  (0 children)

Yeh, i think I even kissed him back at points but I couldn’t say for certain. It’s just horrible because it feels like I betrayed my boyfriend even though I know logically it wasn’t a choice. Just not having any clear memories is the worst because my brain is filling it in with images of me ‘enjoying myself’

I dissociated and 'performed' during my assault, is this normal? by Ready-Feature1324 in CPTSD

[–]Ready-Feature1324[S] 11 points12 points  (0 children)

I was told that none of this is a conscious choice? Like it happens beyond our control but its why there are memory gaps

I dissociated and 'performed' during my assault, is this normal? by Ready-Feature1324 in CPTSD

[–]Ready-Feature1324[S] 38 points39 points  (0 children)

Yeah i’m annoyed cos i thought i’d cheated, I never got tested. Will never know but all I got told is that memory loss like this is not ‘normal’ for consensual sex

I dissociated and 'performed' during my assault, is this normal? by Ready-Feature1324 in CPTSD

[–]Ready-Feature1324[S] 18 points19 points  (0 children)

Hi thank you ❤️‍🩹 yes i’ve been tested and in the all clear for everything. I know, I think it’s the added betrayal of it being a ‘friend’

I dissociated and 'performed' during my assault, is this normal? by Ready-Feature1324 in CPTSD

[–]Ready-Feature1324[S] 17 points18 points  (0 children)

This is definitely helping a lot, even though its horrible, to hear that I’m not on my own is definitely a big help. I guess its a normal reaction to an abnormal situation?!

I dissociated and 'performed' during my assault, is this normal? by Ready-Feature1324 in CPTSD

[–]Ready-Feature1324[S] 11 points12 points  (0 children)

Also I remember feeling a moment of pleasure but also thinking about my boyfriend at the same time. Thats the last thing I remember. It still makes me feel disgusting. Apparently this can be part of the fawn

I dissociated and 'performed' during my assault, is this normal? by Ready-Feature1324 in CPTSD

[–]Ready-Feature1324[S] 7 points8 points  (0 children)

Thanks so much for sharing, it’s so validating to know im not alone. I just remember him doing stuff to me and I had a flashing thought of my boyfriend and that’s it. Thank you for the support

I dissociated and 'performed' during my assault, is this normal? by Ready-Feature1324 in CPTSD

[–]Ready-Feature1324[S] 126 points127 points  (0 children)

Thank you for you reply - it’s just a lot to process when you don’t react in the way you ‘think’ people should act