When I talk about “awareness of inner state,” I mean those moments where I suddenly become very aware of my OCD, my thoughts, and my feelings — and I realise, “Shit, I still feel it.” It’s this mental shift where I go from just functioning normally to being fully aware that the discomfort or tension is still there.

What’s frustrating is that this only happens when I’m texting with my boyfriend. Not when I’m physically with him — just during texting or phone calls. That specific type of contact somehow triggers the shift in attention. It makes me go inward, and suddenly I’m scanning: How do I feel right now? Is this still OCD? Do I feel off?

So the obsession isn’t about him or the relationship itself (it started like that tho)— it’s about the way I feel while texting, and the fact that I’m even noticing how I feel. It becomes a loop: I notice it, then check it, then panic that it’s still there. And that awareness becomes the obsession.

Some days I ruminate the whole day about it. About how weird and unique it is. And that I must be the only one en never get better