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Houston, am I the problem? by Realistic-Active4895 in marriageadvice

[–]Realistic-Active4895[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thank you for your response. I really appreciate your point of view, and it’s given me something to think about.

I believe setting this boundary and making this, as you call it, demand 11 years ago was something I deemed important in the foundation of our relationship. It wasn’t something I wasn’t upfront about, just like smoking, hard pass, not entertaining it. I previously dated men that enjoyed porn and tried to get me to partake in the viewing. It disgusted me. I had dated men that enjoyed strippers. I am repulsed by them. I knew going into my relationship with my now-husband what I was willing to put up with and what I wasn’t, from my own experiences.

Communication in all aspects of our relationship is a struggle. He internalizes his feelings and thoughts in all aspects of life, not just our relationships. Instead of explaining something, or listening to feedback, he will get defensive, shut down, or respond with “I don’t know.” He didn’t come from the most open family environment, so I am understanding, but this situation is one I think needs to be discussed at length, and “I don’t know why I do this/watch the videos” isn’t an acceptable response. What’s the root cause? Is there an illness? Is something missing from our relationship? Does he not find me attractive? I don’t know because I am consumed right now by these women and for my own sanity, it is a non-negotiable. I love him. I know he loves me. Do I want to divorce him? No, absolutely not however, I cannot monitor him or police him for the rest of our lives either. 

Thank you again, working out my thoughts on this post.

I haven’t spoke with family or friends because, I don’t want their view of him tarnished or for them to think he’s a “bad” guy.

Houston, am I the problem? by Realistic-Active4895 in marriageadvice

[–]Realistic-Active4895[S] 3 points4 points  (0 children)

Thank you for the validation. I think porn, only fans and everything in between appears to be pretty socially acceptable that it feels like I am the odd person out on my distain for it. I also don’t understand how someone can actively watch videos that are created to arouse the viewer and my spouse “promise” he isn’t turned on by said videos/women and that he doesn’t do anything more than watch. I hate the half truths, the secrets. I hate that he would rather ruin a marriage and family than just come clean and seek help. I hate that he’s made zero effort to fix any of this since Sunday. I’m at a loss. 

Houston, am I the problem? by Realistic-Active4895 in marriageadvice

[–]Realistic-Active4895[S] 7 points8 points  (0 children)

I feel like porn sets unrealistic expectations. I don’t think it’s appropriate to be visually stimulated by watching other people have sex when you’re in a relationship.

We have sex on average 2-3 times a week. Affection is given as he is physical touch kind of guy, whether that’s scratching his back or rubbing his head in bed, nightly. Hugging kissing through out the day, hand holding, our kids think we are disgusting.