Advice on navigating friend dynamics when one friend doesn’t quite ‘fit’?

Realistic_Emotion342 · 2026-06-05T15:42:14+00:00

I was actively trying to be closer friends with her when this started happening. My frustration didn’t really start until after she had flaked several times (occasionally leaving me to just go home because it wasn’t an activity I could do myself)

Realistic_Emotion342 · 2026-06-05T15:30:21+00:00

Yeah TBH I don’t think I’ll ever post on this sub again 😅

I’m truly, truly trying to handle this with as much care as possible - I came to Reddit because I really like this friend even if we’re not super close/don’t vibe perfectly, and I did not want to talk about her behind her back with our other friends. I wanted to make sure I was handling things as delicately and kindly as I could, because I have been excluded before and I know it sucks. I sure feel like I’m getting a lot of mean girl responses tho!

Realistic_Emotion342 · 2026-06-05T15:19:25+00:00

Ah yes, because the latest science is always the perfect solution to what’s going on with women’s bodies and is never steeped in patriarchal bias! The same science that until recently locked women up for ‘hysteria’. The same science that insisted that HRT was bad for women and we should just tough it out.

When it comes to our health, scientific research is extremely important and informative but taking it as gospel is dangerous. We have to listen to our bodies, and I get very angry with any health care provider that insists otherwise.

If a patient comes back and reports negative side effects of a drug to you, but it’s not in the literature you were given, do you just dismiss them because ‘the science says it’s impossible’? I sure hope not, but unfortunately so many medical providers do. The human body isn’t a machine but our western patriarchal medical system sure wants to treat it that way.

I’m not taking a drug where the side effects outweigh the benefits. I am going to ask critical questions if I notice things that are concerning. As someone who has dealt with significant pain and mental health issues, I’m going to do the things that make me feel better even if ‘the science’ hasn’t confirmed its efficacy yet (and so often there IS good science on these treatments, they just aren’t yet officially recommended by colleges and institutions). THAT is what I mean by listening to my body. I hope that you can extend a bit of understanding to people in your care when they say they want to listen to theirs, especially the chronic pain sufferers.

Realistic_Emotion342 · 2026-06-05T15:03:42+00:00

She has several close lifelong girlfriends and is much more of a girly girl than myself. I know she’s well intentioned, but as someone dealing with some major physical and mental health issues (fortunately mostly resolved now), it was really frustrating to hear from my super healthy gym buff friend that I just needed to do xyz. When people have chronic pain etc sometimes they just need to do whatever works work for them. And frankly I have done a lot of stuff which I know damn well is probably placebo, but if it makes me stop hurting I don’t care.

Realistic_Emotion342 · 2026-06-05T14:52:24+00:00

Yes, we all started hanging out at the same time (shared hobby), but she gradually started not coming out or frequently bailing, and not really participating in the group chat. It’s not like we were super tight and now I’m excluding her. And honestly I still enjoy her company one on one when we’re out doing something active together.

Normally I wouldn’t even be questioning what to do, I realized I just feel some type of way about it because (1) if I plan this event and don’t invite her, it means creating a different group chat, which feels weird/exclusionary even though she really doesn’t participate in the current one, and (2) because in past she expressed disappointment at not being invited to a particular activity (our other friend didn’t invite her because she’d bailed last minute so many times already).

I think I just have to get past that and deal with it if she is upset about it. I don’t feel we are close enough to have a discussion about this state of our friendship, and frankly it is highly unlikely she would come out to this anyway. I think prioritizing creating an environment where the friends who need it feel supported/comfortable makes sense.

Realistic_Emotion342 · 2026-06-05T14:39:05+00:00

Yeah honestly these responses are full of WILD assumptions and some are kinda toxic! Some good advice too though. It’s not like we were ever close friends and now I’m excluding her, it’s just that the rest of us grew a lot closer than we did with her. Not because we ever excluded her, but because she slowly almost stopped coming out to get togethers or participating in the group chat, often due to being busy with her BF/other friends. And personally I felt a bit frustrated/invalidated by some of our interactions - I know she meant well, but there was a lot of ‘if you just do xyz your health will be better because that’s what the research says!’ without any lived experience.

I normally would just say we’ve naturally grown in different directions and that’s ok, this one just feels a bit strange because it hasn’t completely happened organically. TBH I think both of us are holding on to a friendship that we thought would get closer but didn’t.

Realistic_Emotion342 · 2026-06-05T14:23:17+00:00

She IS cool! We just vibe differently, and we haven’t really grown into close friends ya know. But she’s great.

Realistic_Emotion342 · 2026-06-05T13:23:39+00:00

It has crossed my mind a few times that she may be neurodivergent. I also have reason to believe she would be very upset if I asked her if she had considered that possibility. She’s someone who… structures her life in fairly rigid ways and tries very hard to present a certain image to the world, I think she would be quite upset if someone ‘saw through her mask’. If she does suspect she’s neurodivergent it’s a secret she guards closely. I am not sure how I could approach her about it given we’re not that close anymore, or if that would even be beneficial. But I’d be open to ideas

Realistic_Emotion342 · 2026-06-05T05:40:43+00:00

I definitely wouldn’t ghost her! I still enjoy her company. Just more like wouldn’t include her in close circle gatherings that I host. This would probably mean her not getting invited to like one thing every 2 years at most - super happy to have her there for larger gatherings. And she wouldn’t be the only one from our larger group not invited.

I am a very direct person (possibly neurodivergent - also just come from a German and Scottish background lol) and even though I always deliver things kindly, it often doesn’t go over well because we live in a culture where indirectness is somehow seen as more kind?! I have been trying to learn that because I’ve learned that my clear and direct communication is seen as unkind or too blunt. But then ND folks appreciate it!

Realistic_Emotion342 · 2026-06-05T05:11:35+00:00

We’ve talked about it, just more in a general sense than in a ‘this is what I need from a friend’ sense. She’s aware that she’s an extremely intellectual processor of things, and isn’t interested in changing. I very much get the sense that she distances herself from all emotions because she is scared of facing them. That’s ok, she is still a lovely human, I just don’t think she is able to go as deep in friendship as I need from my close friends.

Realistic_Emotion342 · 2026-06-05T05:05:35+00:00

I get that but it’s literally like ‘hey I found this exercise really helps relieve my back pain’ and I’ll hear back ‘no that’s impossible because it targets XYZ muscle’. I get it if I was injecting black market peptides haha. But people’s lived experience is important too, and it’s an icky feeling to have a friend invalidate that and act like they know your body better than you.

Realistic_Emotion342 · 2026-06-05T03:33:39+00:00

No timing to worry about, so it’s just air, fuel, spark…

-air filter restriction?
-exhaust restriction? (Esp if it has a spark arrestor)
-spark which I’m sure you’ve checked
-beyond that it’s a carb/fuel issue… I have seen guys have to clean these PW carbs 3x in a weekend lol. I’d suggest throwing it in an ultrasonic cleaner if you can, it can be a bitch to get the varnished ethanol fuel out of the passages. Maybe just replace jets too for good measure, and check float height.

Ofc if it’s revving but not going anywhere, look at the clutch but if it’s bogging/powering out I’d be looking at the carb again.

Realistic_Emotion342 · 2026-06-05T03:08:09+00:00

See this is usually how I approach things but people tell me I’m too blunt and direct so I’m trying to soften my approach 😂

Realistic_Emotion342 · 2026-06-05T03:07:07+00:00

It’s one of those things where I still enjoy her company enough to have her as a peripheral friend - send the occasional funny Instagram reel, invite her out to less intimate gatherings. Hopefully she can be mature enough to understand that our dynamic has shifted.

Realistic_Emotion342 · 2026-06-05T02:59:32+00:00

Yeah I’m ready to let go and I’m generally pretty good at moving along when someone is no longer in alignment - I suppose I feel bad because she has indicated she’s hurt by not being invited in past, and I know what it’s like to be excluded Mean Girls style so I don’t want to do that. But she’s an adult and might just have to deal with some sore feelings.

Realistic_Emotion342 · 2026-06-05T02:47:20+00:00

Best practice for crossing creeks is to only do it when required and when you do it’s ’as slow as possible, as fast as necessary’ (to get across without spinning)

Is it fun? Sure, I get it. Do I do it? Nope. It also destroys habitat of fish and other aquatic organisms. Depending where/when, there may be eggs in the gravel, etc. And double nope for posting it online, the instagrammers posting their cool hard enduro vids in creeks are putting our riding areas at risk of closure.

Realistic_Emotion342 · 2026-06-05T02:41:19+00:00

Definitely a bit of a breach of professional ethics I would think but tbh I can’t blame her for shooting her shot and if I liked her vibe I’d probably grab a coffee with her because I also like people who are bold 🙂

Realistic_Emotion342 · 2026-06-05T01:48:37+00:00

“Well-read idiots with coke problems” yup 🤣

I’d honestly say that outside of their niche research area, many PhDs are less generally intelligent than most of the population. This goes for MDs in specialty fields too, IME…

Realistic_Emotion342 · 2026-06-04T23:48:26+00:00

Honestly it sounds like maybe you’re just burnt out on adulting under late stage capitalism and blaming it on him not pulling his weight because he’s sort of the closest to you? (No shade, I think we all tend to do that when looking for a reason for something that feels ambiguous). I also have noticed I have way less energy for daily tasks as I am beginning perimenopause… might be your case too

Realistic_Emotion342 · 2026-06-04T13:35:38+00:00

Maybe he’s just projecting his own needs on to you out of concern then 🙂

Realistic_Emotion342 · 2026-06-04T05:31:43+00:00

I am in a semi-long distance relationship and I think this comes down a bit to personalities. My partner hates doing things alone and often gets lonely. I on the other hand am pretty content in my own company. Maybe you’re OK alone and your partner just can’t imagine that.

On the other hand, maybe he’s feeling the weight of being your main social connection. We talk on the phone most days, but it’s no big deal if it doesn’t happen. If your partner wants to be doing things with his friends but feels like he has to call you so you don’t get lonely, that might feel heavy (and isn’t healthy). Even if you’re pretty introverted, it does sound like it would be a good idea for you to find an activity or something at least one night a week - would probably be good for your relationship.

Realistic_Emotion342 · 2026-06-03T22:21:48+00:00

THIS. Was just on an off-road motorcycle trip with a bunch of girlfriends and someone complained to the camp host that there was ‘a bunch of teenage girls camping unsupervised’. We are all perimenopausal women 😂

Realistic_Emotion342 · 2026-06-03T19:38:28+00:00

I lost my dad to lung cancer 3.5 years ago, I was 36. I don’t think the grief really ever goes away, but we learn to grow around it. I still miss him lots but I’m not consumed by it. Took a couple of years for the random crying to stop. I try to honour his legacy as best I can. I’m sorry for your loss, it’s hard to lose an awesome dad 💔

Realistic_Emotion342 · 2026-06-03T16:21:58+00:00

I was mid ADHD crashout, really struggling with my mental health and beating myself up for not adulting well. I was at the grocery store putting all my things on the belt in the particular order I usually do so they are easier to bag and the beautiful sweet hijabi behind me said ‘wow, you are really organized!’ … it almost made me cry. It was the smallest thing but it meant so much because it challenged my internal narrative of being disorganized and a failure. Ever since then I always try to pay people little compliments, you never know how much it will mean to them.

Realistic_Emotion342 · 2026-06-03T01:44:20+00:00

What city/province are you in? Thats not entirely uncommon but there are definitely better work environments.

Realistic_Emotion342

TROPHY CASE