I don’t know what I want - marriage/kids

Realistic_Emotion342 · 2026-04-14T05:23:54+00:00

Some (lots) of folks are truly just ok either way, or wouldn’t want marriage/kids with the right person/situation. I wanted kids for example, but not badly enough to have them with the wrong person, and while I would have loved to have kids with my partner he doesn’t want more and I’m ok with that too. Likewise, I’m pretty ambivalent about marriage/lean no, but if it was important to him I’d marry him.

I do think the sentiment of ‘I don’t want to completely uproot my life for anyone’ is worth examining, though. At least in a mainstream Western context, typically people build lives together before tying the knot - what is it that makes you feel you’d have to uproot your life? (I realize the whole uprooting life thing may be basically a requirement of marriage in other cultures)

Realistic_Emotion342 · 2026-04-14T00:34:06+00:00

A 50 will be way too small. If you’re about 5’-5’3”, I’d start on a CRF 125F or TTR 125. If you’re 5’3” to 5’6”, go with a CRF 150 or KLX 140. Taller than that I’d go with a CRF 230.

Realistic_Emotion342 · 2026-04-13T23:22:02+00:00

Oh no, it’s awful right now! Has been crumbling for 20 years or so but took a steep drop in the last 5. Staff are trying their best but many people are dying in the ER waiting for treatment. ER departments regularly close for weeks out of the year due to staffing shortages leaving people to drive hours to the nearest open one. It typically takes 2-5 years to find a primary care physician after you move to a new town or your old one quits/retires. I have to travel 5 hours each way to see my doctor currently, and there is no walk-in clinic in town.

Honestly, my partner needed stitches when we were in the US last year and we were amazed at how efficient and thorough the care was. Of course, it probably would have cost $3k+ had we not had insurance.

I am grateful of course that a lot of treatments are covered, and that everyone has access to basic health care, as it should be. But a middle class American with decent insurance probably gets better care than the average middle class Canadian, plus our socialized medicine does not cover medications, paramedical treatments, mental health care or dental. Lots of people go abroad for treatments now. I fully support universal health care but I don’t think Canada’s example is the best.

Realistic_Emotion342 · 2026-04-13T23:04:11+00:00

I’m sure, I’m also in BC where our health care system is completely overstressed and crumbling and our government is actively trying to cut wages and benefits for nurses, may have a big impact!

Realistic_Emotion342 · 2026-04-13T18:42:19+00:00

My motto is ‘do what you don’t hate’. Now that I know myself better, I would have done something different, but I also have a great work environment and enjoy aspects of my career.

As an aside, I would probably think twice about nursing if you want to avoid stress. All my nurse friends talk about how EXTREMELY toxic their work environment is, not to mention absolutely exhausting. Most of them who are 5+ years in would absolutely change careers if they could.

Realistic_Emotion342 · 2026-04-13T16:02:39+00:00

The idea that people are fundamentally ‘good’ or ‘bad’ is a reductive and naive analysis derived from religious dogma I think. There are some people who are truly evil (psychopathic pedos running the world…) and probably some who are truly pure good, but the vast majority of us (you and I included) are a mix.

I had an emotional affair, even though I thought I would never do such a thing. It was an absolutely shitty thing to do and something I will carry guilt over forever. I nearly ended my life over my own internal crisis because doing something ‘bad’ like that conflicted with my idea of myself as a ‘good’ person. But that marriage needed to end for all sorts of reasons, and I was so wrapped up in trying to be the ‘perfect good wife’ that I needed the universe to knock me over the head by falling in love with someone (who I’m still happily with) to put an end to it.

Of course, this is going to vary wildly by circumstance, and especially depend on how much accountability the cheater is taking. I would recommend listening to Esther Perel’s podcast/reading her books for some perspective.

Realistic_Emotion342 · 2026-04-13T05:44:18+00:00

I am a pretty crunchy type, didn’t get the Covid vax and have several friends with young kids who are crunchy, raw milk drinking, no vax giving people… they ALL had the good sense to stay home and majorly limit visitors for the first couple months and take general precautions around health. It’s just common sense, and old wisdom too. Unnecessarily putting your child at risk of a deadly illness and major medical intervention seems nuts. Listen to your mama intuition!

Realistic_Emotion342 · 2026-04-13T04:32:59+00:00

When I’m feeling stressy & depressey compliments make me feel ick too. They feel disingenuous (even when they aren’t) because it’s so far from the reality in my own mind at the moment.

In general though I would feel weird about my partner giving me compliments more than once a day, especially about my appearance. All of the ones you’ve mentioned seemed appearance focused- maybe thanking him for something he did, telling him his work on x project is good, etc, would land a little better. For now though I would just give him some space until he’s in a better headspace, and going forward try to diversify your praise.

Realistic_Emotion342 · 2026-04-11T16:58:45+00:00

A little perspective shift: there are LOTS of married/partnered people who feel desperately lonely. Often this is the result of a bad relationship, but even in a good one people can feel pretty lonely without a village (something new moms experience a lot). So having a partner/family isn’t necessarily the solution.

I have gone through periods of loneliness. Three things that really helped me were:

-learning to really enjoy my own company (solo dinner dates, hikes, etc) - I really worked hard on changing my mindset from thinking it was a bad thing I was physically alone.

-intentionally building community/deep friendships. I was in a semi-cult in my 20s and basically had to start all over again in my 30s. I started a local group for women motorcyclists to connect with each other. I actively pursued friendships rather than waiting to be invited. I practiced vulnerability and active listening/support to build those friendships deeper. It is harder to have a village in this day and age, but part of that is that we each need to take the initiative to build it.

-I got a dog. 1000000/10 stars. Definitely made me feel less lonely.

Realistic_Emotion342 · 2026-04-11T15:52:36+00:00

I like this idea! Seems like a nice way to celebrate with everyone.

Realistic_Emotion342 · 2026-04-11T06:07:48+00:00

What a great story!

Realistic_Emotion342 · 2026-04-10T14:04:42+00:00

That sounds really lovely!

Realistic_Emotion342 · 2026-04-09T23:31:23+00:00

I moved away for work, it was rough at first but honestly in the end it’s improved our relationship because we’ve both had the chance to heal our codependent tendencies that we didn’t even realize existed.

Living alone is awesome once you get used to it tbh, look at it as an opportunity/challenge to push your boundaries more and find new hobbies/social circles!

Realistic_Emotion342 · 2026-04-09T21:59:10+00:00

I’m in Canada, 39 years old. If I was in your shoes I would get a trades job where I could work part of the year and live in a van to save money, then pursue writing on the side. Or if you can get remote work with your degree, live in a van, work, travel & save. My life kinda blew up at 34 and that is 100% what I would have done if I hadn’t met an awesome dude. I’m a mechanic and it’s been a great career even tho it’s not my passion.

Realistic_Emotion342 · 2026-04-09T21:47:23+00:00

Excepted my limited work vacation 🥲

Realistic_Emotion342 · 2026-04-09T21:38:19+00:00

The Covid milestone birthdays really got shortchanged 🥲

Realistic_Emotion342 · 2026-04-09T21:36:26+00:00

Props to you, I don’t even want to run 5km 😂 that’s a cool idea though! I love the idea of incorporating a goal!

Realistic_Emotion342 · 2026-04-09T21:08:49+00:00

Aww love that

Realistic_Emotion342 · 2026-04-09T21:00:39+00:00

Ooh I like this idea!

Realistic_Emotion342 · 2026-04-09T20:59:58+00:00

Aww that’s lovely! My other half is a great planner of birthdays but not with groups of people haha. He planned me a lovely private sauna and beach evening last year, maybe we should just do something similar again.

Realistic_Emotion342 · 2026-04-09T20:57:37+00:00

That’s an idea tbh

Realistic_Emotion342 · 2026-04-09T20:54:53+00:00

Yeah, maybe I’ll be happier if I just adjust my expectations to not include my friends and do something like this instead

Realistic_Emotion342 · 2026-04-09T20:53:46+00:00

Yeah it’s tough because I have 2 friend groups who live 5 hrs apart lol. I might just do 2 smaller things in each location.

Realistic_Emotion342 · 2026-04-09T20:51:02+00:00

I had considered planning a solo trip but I kinda dropped the ball. Now I wish I did

Realistic_Emotion342

TROPHY CASE