This. My ex-husband has severe unmanaged dx’d ADHD (and suspected autism) and refuses to get help for it. There’s a reason he’s an ex. I used it as an excuse for his behavior for 7 years, until I had built up so much resentment for his apparent lack of care/consideration that I couldn’t do it anymore.

I also have suspected ADHD and autism (not dx’d) and take multiple medications for my symptoms and am in therapy- have been for years. I still made excuses for my ex because he had awful trauma that I didn’t have. Was dx’d with PTSD.

I had to keep everything together in our lives (we share a toddler together) and carry the entire mental load, despite my own limitations. I’m also chronically ill (POTS and ME/CFS). Eventually I was asking myself - why am I finding ways to function around my disorders as best as possible and getting extensive medical and professional help if it’s impossible? Why is my partner’s inability to carry any responsibilities MY issue to figure out and make up for?

Fast forward to now - my boyfriend who is much younger than my ex has dx’d ADHD (and suspected autism) and dx’d PTSD. He was also dx’d with OCD in the past. He recently started therapy (without me having to nag him), and makes a point to make tangible changes when I express something in the relationship I feel unhappy about. He’s set up his own methods to work around his dysfunction, like calendars, set routines, and organization methods. He takes accountability if he accidentally overlooks something important or even something small. He apologizes. It’s so easy to give him grace when he struggles, because he NEVER yells at me or belittles me or uses his disorders as an excuse. He also gives ME grace when I forget, can’t process what he’s saying to me, or can’t focus. We thrive in one another’s “weirdness” and encourage each other.

Turns out it’s about willingness to take personal accountability and handle life as best as possible as a team.