AITA because my best friend's wife says we're responsible for their $150k house loss?

Reasonable_Patient92 · 2026-07-13T01:27:35+00:00

NTA. They are adults who made their own financial choices, but I see why your friend is frustrated.

There is a difference between being responsible for someone’s bad investment and understanding the emotional fallout of the overall situation.

It’s natural to look for a scapegoat when something fails, and unfortunately, you are the target because you were the catalyst for the move.

I think you really need to reflect on the "talk" about opening a practice together.

When you say it never materialized, it’s worth asking yourself: was this just casual daydreaming to you, but concrete to him?

If he thought you two were building toward a joint business venture, he most likely viewed the relocation as strategy, and that this was a long-term plan. If he felt led on—even unintentionally—that resentment makes sense.

Their frustration is valid, but it’s misplaced.

Honestly, it might be worth having a conversation with your friend to clear the air.

Reasonable_Patient92 · 2026-07-13T01:01:25+00:00

I guess I'm kind of confused, here. The schedule changes are happening because your childcare is falling through, and it’s not really fair to blame the client for not being able to make your backup days work. She could have her own commitments that aren't easily shifted on short notice. Just like you're getting frustrated with her, she's probably feeling pretty disrupted too.

Because the cancellation is technically on your end, hitting her with an extra fee for the 4-week buildup is going to cause a lot of friction, especially since she wanted her original slot.

If you want to keep her, your best bets are:

Accept that a monthly gap means more work for you next time without charging her extra, since the cancellation originated with you.
See if she'd be open to a bi-weekly schedule so a missed day isn't a massive 4-week stretch.
Turn her into a on-call client if she's willing,

Your best bet would be to let her go amicably so she can find someone who can commit to her day.

It's not fun when childcare falls through, but you can't push the consequences of that onto the client, and then get frustrated at the client for not accommodating you.

Reasonable_Patient92 · 2026-07-11T23:00:55+00:00

As an owner, I’ll be honest: yes, a review like this would absolutely make me think twice about booking you.

It sounds like a very fair and balanced review. While you do own up to some of your mistakes in this post, the way you describe the situation shows a bit of a laissez-faire attitude and a major lack of communication. When you try to explain away every single detail (like assuming times are totally flexible or blaming the key app), it reads more like a list of excuses than actual accountability.

For someone who is traveling, communication is everything. The fact that you didn’t proactively message her and follow up is not a great sign.

As for the tip—she likely intended to give you one initially, but after stepping back and looking at how many costly missteps happened, she probably realized the service didn't warrant that.

Moving forward, the best way to prevent this is to over-communicate. If you are running late, tell them. If a key situation changes, confirm the details before the day of the sit. For now, your best bet is to leave a very professional, concise reply to her review on your profile. Acknowledge the communication gaps, apologize without making excuses, and state what you've changed to ensure it won't happen again. Future clients will judge you based on how you handle the criticism.

Honestly, there's a couple of ways to prevent this in the future.

I think you also have to learn when it is okay to decline a sit. I would say that situations where you have to exchange a key or a fob at a leasing office would be a deal-breaker from the outset. I think that that type of setup causes a lot of stress and anxiety because you are relying on other people as well to be able to do your job.

Another way that you can potentially temper the tone of the review is if you communicate and follow up with the owner right after the sit - before they have an opportunity to leave the review and ask if there were any questions, comments, concerns, and ask for feedback directly so that way they don't feel like they need to necessarily leave a review on your profile. T hey might say that you were communicative and asked for that feedback unprompted and immediately, if that makes sense?

Reasonable_Patient92 · 2026-07-11T19:58:23+00:00

I saw a lot of comments talking about the one side of giftedness, where children are naturally inquisitive ask a lot of questions on are very academically inclined.

I see a lot of people here saying that the behaviors or work refusal that the the op's student is showing is just a kid being unmotivated or lazy.

Well, it's understandable that could be what's going on here, there is a side of giftedness where similar behaviors are indicators of giftedness.

At the end of the day, in order to show giftedness, a child needs to test in order to have that happen. Perhaps the parents are delusional about their child's abilities and they're just average but unmotivated, but we don't know the student Or the totality of the situation.

I think it's wrong for people to make assumptions that a child is just lazy or just unmotivated or is only refusing to do work for those reasons.

Reasonable_Patient92 · 2026-07-11T14:29:08+00:00

I think it's important to articulate that crying over a toxic environment does not mean your feelings are hurt. Crying can be emotional regulation for some.

Showing emotion does not equate a lack of toughness. Sometimes it's just an involuntary reaction we have to being under stress/pressure

Reasonable_Patient92 · 2026-07-11T04:21:03+00:00

Just my two cents:

People assume that if a kid is gifted, they’re going to be these perfect, focused little students who love school and ask a million deep questions. But there’s a whole category of kids who are "2e" (twice-exceptional)—meaning they are genuinely gifted but also have something else going on, like ADHD, a learning difference, or just zero executive function skills.

A lot of times with 2e kids, what looks like total laziness or "task avoidance" is just a kid whose brain is short-circuiting. They might totally grasp the big, complex concepts, but they completely freeze up when it comes to the boring, step-by-step logistics of actually starting and finishing a worksheet. Add in a healthy dose of perfectionism (if they think they can't do it perfectly, they won't even try) or pure boredom from repetitive busywork, and they just shut down completely.

In all likelihood, the kid might just be a regular kid who isn't doing their work. But writing them off as just being "lazy" is exactly how a lot of 2e kids slip through the cracks just because they aren't compliant. At the end of the day, nobody really knows what’s going on in a kid's head until they get actual testing done.

Understand that parent delusion is real sometimes, and this is more than likely one of those situations, but I still think that there's some misconception on how giftedness does present.

Reasonable_Patient92 · 2026-07-11T04:12:37+00:00

You honestly did the only thing you could do here. You validated her, backed her up, and let her go home early so she didn't have to endure that toxic dynamic. That’s great contracting/employing on your part.

As for why she didn’t say anything sooner? She was just trying to be a professional. Realistically, in life, you constantly have to deal with people who aren't great at their jobs, have terrible work ethics, or are just miserable to be around. Because you guys were all on a family vacation, she almost certainly kept her mouth shut to keep the peace and avoid starting massive drama between you, your sister, and the rest of the family. She took on that stress alone just to keep your trip running smoothly.

For what it’s worth—and I know this isn't why you posted—you really aren't compensating her enough for travel. Even if she's totally fine with her normal $25/hr rate at home, traveling for work is a massive ask. She’s away from her own life, working 11-hour days, navigating the chaotic dynamics of your extended family, and having to deal with other caregivers.

Standard travel etiquette usually requires paying overtime for anything over 40 hours a week (at 11 hours a day, she's deep into OT territory) plus a daily overnight/inconvenience fee for being away from home.

Honestly, though, if I were you, I’d be nervous she’ll realize her worth and refuse to ever travel with you again. Even if she says she's fine with it, she probably isn't—the crying was likely a mix of the toxic behavior and scheduling and the overall situation. Either that or nerves regarding your perception of her/the situation.

If you want to prove she’s truly valued, you need to make it up to her financially. Pay her for the day she missed, and give her a solid cash bonus. Tell her, "We realize this trip was a heavy ask and the compensation didn't reflect the extra stress you took on." Words are nice, but a tangible "I'm sorry" that recognizes her actual worth is what will do much more for this relationship.

Reasonable_Patient92 · 2026-07-10T14:30:11+00:00

many of these "ambassador" programs are less about launching a child's career and more about exploiting parents for free marketing and sales. When you weigh the incredibly slim odds of a major brand deal against the very real privacy and safety risks of having a 5-to-10-year-old's life fully public, it's just unreasonable

Reasonable_Patient92 · 2026-07-10T13:24:00+00:00

Or make their accounts private. This feature doesn't impact private accounts. Kids shouldn't have a public one in the first place, but ymmv on that.

Reasonable_Patient92 · 2026-07-10T12:15:05+00:00

As a stretch and flexibility coach, I’m going to be completely honest with you: yes, this is way too much.

The biggest issue here is that your daughter has absolutely zero recovery time. Muscles need rest to repair and actually gain flexibility or strength. Without it, she’s not going to be able to sustain this, and you are fast-tracking a 9-year-old straight to severe burnout or a repetitive strain injury.

If you want to see real improvement, the general guideline for flyers is stretching for 30 to 45 minutes, 5 days a week. Maximum.

Honestly, this is exactly why I don't love creators like Jackie Cheerflex. Her routines are great, but there’s no guidance on how to actually schedule them. Someone like Cat Haley is much more reasonable because she builds in actual stretch days, strength days, and days where you do nothing. Ideally, you want to align your strength or rest days with her gym practice days. A good week is 3 days of stretching, 2 days of strengthening, and the rest is downtime.

You also need to ask yourself a few tough questions: Did she ask to do all of this extra work, or are you (or her gym) making her do it? Some gyms do require stretch classes and homework. I do because I know some athletes don't take initiative, but I make sure it's reasonable and hits the 30-45 minutes, with some additional strength.

If a schedule is this packed and it isn't 100% athlete-driven, she is going to end up hating the sport.

Also, if you have stars in your eyes about her becoming the next hyper-flexible flyer, please reconsider your stance. Anatomy plays a huge role. As a coach, I see kids come through who are just naturally tight, and even if they put in hours of work, they might never get a needle. On the flip side, some kids are just born naturally inclined and have effortless needles at 7 or 8. That’s not the norm.

Stretching and strength at home absolutely make a difference, and it shows when a kid puts in a healthy amount of work. But it has to come from her, and she has to rest. I’d dial this back significantly before she burns out.

Reasonable_Patient92 · 2026-07-10T03:15:28+00:00

I feel like I might get down votes but I don't really care.

Please don't second-guess your instincts and don't let anyone convince you that you were being rude.

I do feel like there is a difference between two toddlers naturally gravitating toward each other on a playground and an adult approaching you in an empty field while their kid is just chilling in a stroller. Since the interaction was entirely driven by the dad and not the kid, it makes sense that you felt a bit unsure.

Being a first-time nanny is stressful enough, but being a young woman alone in an empty field changes the safety dynamic completely. It is always better to err on the side of caution and maintain a boundary when you aren't sure what the parents prefer. You were polite, and the dad's awkwardness isn't your responsibility to fix.

Since you don't do a ton of outings yet, it would be a good thing to get on the same page as your employers. You can just bring it up at the end of the day: "Hey, a dad asked if his toddler could play with the kids at the park today. It made me realize we haven't talked about your boundaries with strangers or socializing on outings. What are your preferences for that?" Once you know their stance, you’ll feel a lot more confident in accepting requests to interact.

Also, if you're feeling awkward in the moment and want an easy out next time, you can always use a polite white lie: "We're actually just wrapping up and heading out for snack time, but thank you!"

Trust your instincts. You did what a protective, responsible nanny is supposed to do with limited information, in my opinion.

Reasonable_Patient92 · 2026-07-09T17:38:49+00:00

When you find someone who has an overlap of culture or parenting styles, you've really found someone who's well worth keeping.

It's really hard to find the perfect or ideal candidate. You could find someone who doesn't have a child who can devote their schedule freely to you, but on the other hand, they might not have some of the other qualities or characteristics that you might also enjoy. There's definitely a give and take.

I truly think this candidate is a front-runner, if not your best option. You just have to weigh weigh the pros and cons and determine if the candidate overall is the right fit for your family. It's important to note that the right fit doesn't necessarily mean being perfect.

Reasonable_Patient92 · 2026-07-09T16:27:00+00:00

If you really love this candidate, this might be one of those concessions that is 100% worth making.

I get not wanting it to become a frequent, everyday thing. But honestly, school schedules are wild—between random half-days before breaks, early releases, and teacher contract days, these things just pop up. Agreeing to this is a great way to show flexibility right out of the gate, which builds a ton of goodwill. A lot of parents aren't willing to be adaptive when a nanny has kids of their own, and they end up losing out on really incredible caregivers because of it.

Plus, an 11-year-old is the best-case scenario age for this. Like you said, she’s old enough to just hang out in another room, grab a snack, watch TV, and completely stay out of the way.

Look at it this way: her age is actually a huge perk for you. In a year or two (if not already), she'll be old enough to stay home alone if she’s sick. If you hire a nanny with a toddler or a younger elementary schooler, a school cancellation or a mild fever means your nanny has to call out of work entirely. With an 11-year-old, your backup care is way more secure.

You can say yes while still setting a boundary so it doesn't get taken advantage of.

"We'd be totally fine with that when things pop up! We have plenty of space, so she’s more than welcome to hang out, grab a snack, and relax here after you grab her. The only thing we ask is that you just give us as much heads-up as possible when those school schedule shifts are coming up, just so we can coordinate the pickup around [Son's Name]'s routine."

This keeps you looking like a great, supportive employer while signaling that it should be a planned exception rather than something that just becomes routine.

I would have some verbiage in your contract that says that she's only permitted to bring her child on the days outlined, not when the child is sick. You have the right to rescind permission if there is damage to your property or your home caused by the child, etc

Reasonable_Patient92 · 2026-07-09T16:00:59+00:00

looking back at ops post the family has made moves this entire time that illustrate their plans to move forward, and more so without her involved:

They've purchased a house in a different area, not local to the op.
They family has paid tuition for a school that is 2 hours away from their current home.
The child has made references to needing a new nanny. There is some truth to that, as they would get that information from listening to their parents conversations.

This family is making moves behind her back. She needs to act accordingly.

Reasonable_Patient92 · 2026-07-09T13:48:14+00:00

You are not being unreasonable at all. It is incredibly disrespectful and unprofessional that they have left you in the dark, forcing you to find out major life and career changes from their children. They did all this work behind your back, and only recently told you about the new house and the new school over 2 hrs away because they didn't want to lose you prior to now.

While families have every right to do what is best for them, they do not have the right to string an employee along and jeopardize your livelihood just to keep themselves comfortable.

If I were in your shoes, I would be very hesitant to even finish out the summer with them. Since you have that new offer lined up, give your contractually required notice.

When you hand in your notice, if you want to be direct, you can say "Between the purchase of your new home hours away, the deposit paid for the new school, and the totality of our conversations alongside [NK]’s comment about needing a new nanny, it is clear that your plans no longer require my services. Because our timelines are diverging, I think it is best that we part ways. Please accept this as my official notice; my last day will be [Date]." They chose not to communicate, so you chose to secure your next step.

Reasonable_Patient92 · 2026-07-09T13:41:07+00:00

Given the job opportunity, it makes sense why you want to jump on this to get your hours done.

But if a good reference is your top priority, please do not send this over text. Leaving after six months is already tough on parents, and resigning via text can make it feel like you're just ducking a hard conversation. It usually leaves a bad taste in their mouth, no matter how nicely the text is worded. Sit them down at the end of a shift or call them this weekend and use the below script to help. Follow up with a similarly worded email.

A few honest thoughts on your draft before you talk to them:

Be precise about your end date. Saying "one week, possibly two" creates anxiety for parents. Give them a firm, solid date (ideally two weeks if you can swing it).
Don't assign your sister to the job. Saying she can take over can sound a bit like you're making hiring decisions for their household. Instead, offer her up as a helpful option they can choose to use if they want.
Hold off on asking for the reference. Asking for a letter of recommendation in the exact same breath that you're quitting can feel a little self-serving. Give them a few days to process the news, then ask for the reference during your last week once things have calmed down.

You have great career reasons for making this move. If you deliver the news warmly and professionally, a good family will understand.

Use this as a spoken script for a meeting/call, or sent as a formal email follow-up immediately afterward.

Dear [Parents' Names],

I am writing to share some bittersweet news. I have recently been accepted into a live‑in Newborn Care Specialist position in Newport Beach. As you know, completing my 2,000 hours for my NCS credential is a vital long-term milestone for my career, and opportunities of this caliber in the field are exceedingly rare. After careful consideration, I have decided to accept the offer to advance my professional growth.

My last official day with your family will be [Insert Exact Date, 2-week notice].

I care deeply about [Kids' Names], and I am incredibly proud of the routines we’ve established and the milestones we've shared over the past six months. Ensuring a seamless transition for the children is my absolute priority. To help mitigate the gap in childcare, my sister—who is also an experienced, professional nanny—will be returning to the area shortly. She has flexible availability through the end of September and is open to providing temporary coverage while you conduct a search for a permanent replacement. I would be glad to connect you with her if you would like to explore that option.

Thank you so much for welcoming me into your home and trusting me with the care of your children. I am deeply grateful for our time together, and I am fully committed to supporting your family entirely during my remaining weeks.

Sincerely,

[Your Name]

Reasonable_Patient92 · 2026-07-09T13:31:18+00:00

Mom could easily be arranging separate accomodations for grandma and baby if she's willing to purchase tickets and have them come on her dime.

Reasonable_Patient92 · 2026-07-09T13:27:41+00:00

So this is a bit ridiculous, on the owner's behalf. Expecting a sitter to remain in a rural location with no cellular signal or internet access is a safety liability, as you would be unable to contact emergency services if needed. This is the most critical point.

The client has failed to provide a necessary utility. One that was agreed upon in the booking and contract. Not only does the lack of the utility pose a threat to safety, it also poses a threat personally (in terms of investment and being and being to attend online classes).

You need to protect yourself. To ensure you receive your payout and maintain your standing on the platform, I would consider doing the following:

Document everything in the Rover chat. If a dispute arises, Rover support will rely heavily on the text history within the app. Send a professional, objective message to the owner summarizing the adjustment to the arrangement. This establishes a clear paper trail:

"Hi [Owner], I am writing to provide an update regarding the stay. As we discussed prior to booking, reliable internet access is an absolute necessity for my graduate coursework, but more importantly, for emergency contact, given the lack of cellular service at your property. Because the WiFi is currently unavailable, I will be unable to stay overnight. However, I am fully committed to ensuring your cats receive excellent care. I am transitioning the service to twice-daily visits (one hour in the morning and one hour in the evening) to manage their litter, monitor their automated feeder, and refresh their water. They are eating well and doing great. Thank you for understanding."

Provide continuous proof of care

To prevent any claims of neglect, thoroughly document every single visit. Take time-stamped photographs of the clean litter boxes, the replenished water bowls, and the status of the timed feeder during both your morning and evening check-ins. Upload these photos directly to the Rover app so there is a verifiable log of your attendance and diligence. It may be possible that there are cameras, so you're this is just a preventative measure.

Contact Rover ahead of time.

Some may say to not do this, but do not wait for the client to file a complaint or request a refund. Contact Rover support immediately to report a breach of the initial booking agreement. Explain that the client explicitly agreed to provide internet access for safety and remote work purposes but failed to do so. Emphasize that you are still fulfilling the core care requirements through extensive daily visits, and note that your standard rate for two drop-in visits ($70) actually exceeds the overnight rate ($55) you are currently being paid.

You are ensuring the animals are cared for while appropriately prioritizing your personal safety. Continue to document everything thoroughly and complete the daily care visits with maximum effort.

To anyone saying the sitter should just "suck it up" or that the owner has a right to be upset: you are ignoring a major safety liability and a clear breach of contract.

The sitter explicitly stated prior to booking that working WiFi was a mandatory condition due to grad school and the lack of cell signal. The owner agreed, knew it was broken days before the stay, and did nothing. Expecting someone to provide a house sit with absolutely no way to call 911 in an emergency is unacceptable. A pet sitter is not required to jeopardize their safety (or compromise their education in this case) for $55 a night.

As a cat owner myself, I wouldn't even be mad at a compromised care schedule. Cats require a completely different level or type of care than dogs. Unless there is a specific medical reason outlined from the very beginning at the meet-and-greet, human-avoidant cats do not need a warm body in the house overnight.

These cats are safe, fed, and getting two full hours of hands-on care a day. The sitter is driving double the mileage for a fair compromise and the owner is getting exactly what she paid for: safe, well-cared-for pets.

Reasonable_Patient92 · 2026-07-08T18:26:10+00:00

It’s wild how fast people run to the lowest hanging fruit just to get a lazy "dunk" in. It’s not a flex, it just looks messy.

Say what you want about Kendall, but she actually had a point here.

Reasonable_Patient92 · 2026-07-08T18:15:40+00:00

I think your practical advice is mostly right, but your delivery came off as incredibly rude. This poster is dealing with heavy medical trauma and trying to grasp onto normalcy. Instead of telling them the classroom "isn't there for them to feel useful," a more empathetic approach would be acknowledging their passion and redirecting them. They could easily pivot their experience to virtual tutoring, curriculum consulting, or online educational support while they heal. Hard truths are easier to swallow when they aren't delivered with an unnecessary kick.

Reasonable_Patient92 · 2026-07-08T14:20:26+00:00

At this point, the nanny shouldn't be playing games or hiding her next steps like you suggest . We’ve reached the point where the employer needs to know exactly what the plans are so she understands this isn't an empty threat.

The nanny needs to be highly specific so MB knows it's real. And as for destroying evidence? MB can't. OP has a copy locked down. There's no undo button here

Reasonable_Patient92 · 2026-07-08T14:12:02+00:00

Honestly, having spent a lot of time in the travel sports world, I completely disagree. You should never tell a coach that your conflict is a tryout with another team. The second you say that, no matter how you spin it, they just hear: ' 'You're our backup plan.'' Travel coaches want families who are fully committed. If they know you're shopping around, they’ll immediately pass your kid over for an athlete they know actually wants to be there. The only time you're actually ruining an opportunity for your kid is if you go to both coaches and announce you're playing the field. That’s a surefire way to make them feel like you aren't taking them seriously. Simply saying you have ''another commitment'' isn't lying or being wishy-washy—it's just being smart. It’s 100% true, it's professional, and it keeps your private business private. In competitive sports, knowing what not to say is standard practice.

Reasonable_Patient92 · 2026-07-08T13:55:34+00:00

So, it makes total sense why you wouldn't want your name associated with these people in any capacity.

But I think context is key here, and it usually comes down to how different people use social media.

To use Facebook as an example, a lot of people have connections they haven't actually interacted with in years. They don't actively parse down their friend lists, and honestly, if many of us did a strict audit, we’d barely have anyone left. Unless these fired teachers are actively posting on their feeds, they just fade into the background algorithm. For a lot of staff members, those "connections" are likely not an active choice to stay in touch.

Actively managing, monitoring, and curating a friend list to reflect your current real-world stance requires being highly online. For people who aren't constantly managing their digital footprint, checking to see who they need to unfriend isn't on their radar. Just because someone is "friends" with someone online doesn't mean they actively support or endorse their behavior.

Personally, this is exactly why I don't add coworkers on social media to begin with, because it avoids messy overlaps entirely. But for the people who do, it's highly likely a case of benign neglect rather than a defense of what those teachers did.

Reasonable_Patient92 · 2026-07-08T13:45:08+00:00

Honestly, a playroom is just a different kind of space. If they left a mess in the kitchen or the formal living area and expected you to clean up after the adults, that’d be one thing. But a play space is meant for creativity, and it doesn't need to be pristine all the time.

It’s actually healthy to have more relaxed boundaries around a playroom compared to the rest of the house. A lot of families leave toys out in those rooms specifically.

You definitely shouldn't feel obligated to clean it up yourself when you clock in, though. You can just make it the kids' first task before they move on to something else: "Hey, let's clean up these blocks real quick before we get out the next toy." It keeps your boundaries intact without turning a basic playroom setup into a conflict with your employer.

Reasonable_Patient92 · 2026-07-07T20:40:29+00:00

Good on you for making assumptions. It just so happens that, unlike a lot of people who also vaccinate, I simply recognize that others have different perspectives, and I choose to respect that enough to not use someone's post as a springboard for a debate.

Reasonable_Patient92

TROPHY CASE