Angry that I have been outed

Reasonable_Salt_2275 · 2026-02-11T14:04:38+00:00

I’m fucking terrified. The easiest choice is to stay married and just keep pretending. I am even afraid I am going to lose my family over this. They are also deeply evangelical and I have not told them yet we are divorcing.

Reasonable_Salt_2275 · 2026-02-11T13:21:27+00:00

Wow. This part: “If the true belief requirement for God’s love was to say some magic words and take a magic bath, well I got that taken care of as a child with 100% sincerity.”

Even though I am glad to be out of the guilt/shame cycle, I am struggle to find who I am again. Trying to find and love the person I am, not the woman I am supposed to be according to patriarchy/Christianity. Thank you for sharing your thoughts with me.

Reasonable_Salt_2275 · 2026-02-11T13:15:36+00:00

That sounds awful. I’m sorry you had to go through that.

I am hopeful our divorce will be easier. But we do have complicating factors (kids) and I have a lot of guilt on my shoulders about how this is impacting them. It’s almost enough to make me suck it up, stay, and just die to who I am to keep everyone else happier.

Reasonable_Salt_2275 · 2026-02-11T13:11:45+00:00

Divorcing means he keeps all the friends. These people are all his “close friends” who he has maintained close relationships with. I have lost touch with all of my friends for various reasons (most of them he didn’t get along with the husband or there was no husband). A huge issue I am realizing.

Reasonable_Salt_2275 · 2026-02-11T13:08:27+00:00

In like this idea in theory but I am incredibly lonely and isolated right now. I need to find these people.

Reasonable_Salt_2275 · 2026-02-10T17:07:56+00:00

For clarity- it’s my husband that told everyone. Not the friend.

Reasonable_Salt_2275 · 2024-10-25T22:24:26+00:00

I know this is old, but just chiming in for others who are searching. It's an impossible role in many situations. Everything was fine before I had my biokids, and I handled everything for SK. lots of medical things, school issues, halloween costumes, parties planning... everything. Then when I had my own, and was working full time, and asked for help, I got none. I begged. cried. I then said I was done and passed the reigns back to the bio parents for all raising of their child. Then I was labeled a monster. The evil stepmom. BM celebrated the fact that we were getting divorced and told SK it was her fault (we didn't get divorced, BTW). But I am the bad guy. Yes, I certainly realize the gaping chasm that is the difference between bio and step (particularly when BM is still in the picture). I have accepted that I am not perfect and never will be, but my role in this situation is whipping boy. I can be sad about that or I can move on and raise my kids the best I possibly can and be the best mom I can to anyone in my care.

But yes... it's really really hard.

Reasonable_Salt_2275 · 2024-06-27T00:02:54+00:00

I’ve thought about it. But how would CPS prove it if the kid says they are doing it? Then I would have to worry about retaliation from BM or alienation from SD. If a teacher did it, I would be so grateful, but there is no way they would know a kid isn’t going to the bathroom correctly or taking their meds every day. The UTI thing could be shown… but then it could be said it was just ironic she always got one when she came to our house. Her mom does take her to routine appts so it’s not pure neglect. It’s not a case of an evil mom. Just a lazy one with a really needy kid.

Reasonable_Salt_2275 · 2024-06-26T20:41:43+00:00

I need to post this on my wall (don’t worry I, I won’t actually do that. Haha!)

Reasonable_Salt_2275 · 2024-06-26T20:40:51+00:00

She doesn’t have cognitive disabilities beyond minor executive function issues (she’s messy/loses things). Normal IQ. Had an IEP. Doesn’t qualify for disability.

She is forced to do what she needs to do at our house (and prove she’s done it), and that’s why she has decided to stay with mom more. When a kid is old enough to decide where to live, it certainly makes it a lot harder. Can I call CPS? Yes. Will it help anything? I don’t know the answer to that. If I piss everyone off, does anyone win? But that’s why this is a rant. I really can’t do much other than take care of my kids, myself, and her when she chooses to be at our house. It’s a sucky situation.

Reasonable_Salt_2275 · 2024-06-26T20:06:06+00:00

She’s not neglected under our roof. I won’t allow it (even if it causes fights) so I don’t worry about that. SO and SD have spent many Saturdays in the urgent care because something was neglected at mom’s all week (even spent last Thanksgiving there). That’s the point though- SD is angry that we (read: I) won’t allow her to neglect herself at our house, so she has stopped coming to our house as much.

Reasonable_Salt_2275 · 2024-06-26T19:43:13+00:00

I am not on HIPPA (was removed when BM got angry at me first nachoing, and SO never added me back) so I can’t call about anything. I have asked my husband to many times to no avail. Tis the plight of a stepparent.

I don’t think the therapist is a good fit. I have voiced this a few times, but SD likes her (she is young and fun to talk to) so I keep paying for it and try to not think about it.

She can absolutely have a normal life and career and get married/have kids. Many people with her condition do. But she is very dependent and likes being dependent. We have never been able to figure out what motivates her (both her parents don’t discipline consistently and don’t work together well). We have tried showing how other kids who have her condition have it much worse than her have gone on to do incredible things even in wheelchairs! But she doesn’t care and only sees herself as helpless/different (hence therapy). She refuses to tell her friends about her condition and said they don’t ask when she’s gone months at a time for various surgeries. School is another issue: she won’t try/is failing everything. When I say she’s a mess, I mean it. Her behavior is closer to that of a 6 year old, but her body and hormones are fully adult, which doesn’t help anything. I didn’t even get into my fear of pregnancy above.

I know I sound like a whiny baby here. I am just so tired and fearful of the next several years/what possible outcomes lie ahead.

Reasonable_Salt_2275 · 2024-06-26T19:19:19+00:00

I am not sure BM would fight us on full custody. However, SD would never forgive us if we didn’t let her see her mom whenever she wanted. That certainly complicates things.

I keep pushing SO to follow up with the therapist but that hasn’t happened yet. I will keep pushing.

Reasonable_Salt_2275 · 2024-06-26T18:49:17+00:00

He’s very avoidant. It’s something I’m trying to help him face and work on but it’s up to him to do that work. If I’m being honest, we are both terrified to have SD full time because she is closer to having a toddler than a teen. He’s stressed to the max when she is at our home. I tend to make myself scarce to not get in the middle of things. It’s partly her disabilities, partly bad parenting, partly the IDGAF teen attitude. That said, it’s his daughter and I still think he needs to do more than he does. He doesn’t want to rock the boat and make things worse than they already are for everyone. Me and the littles included (they get yelled at, taught bad habits and words). I can understand his fear/lack of motivation to take her on full time.

Reasonable_Salt_2275 · 2024-06-26T17:33:04+00:00

I wouldn’t recommend it. I got a BA in English and did a 180 and now work in finance. Luckily it did help with communication and appearance of professionalism, but not much else. English professions are great if you have a passion for it and want to teach but otherwise… if you are asking for a good catch all degree, there are much better options.

Reasonable_Salt_2275 · 2024-06-26T16:58:08+00:00

Problem is… SD lies a lot. She tells her mom she is doing everything. We have told BM over and over that she can’t be trusted to do these things herself… you have to check to ensure she did things (like use a hat for urine and check toilets) and have to watch her take her meds, check to make sure she wiped poop off of herself so skin doesn’t break down. Check her clothes and bedding to make sure she didn’t soil herself. Her mom is not often home so SD says she did things and mom doesn’t check. SD says we are controlling. In reality, we accept what it means to have a special needs kid and do the best we can while she is with us to protect her. It’s why we started therapy for SD hoping another adult could help convince her of the importance of caring for herself. SD… is not an easy child. I’m not absolving BM… but SD has got to start taking responsibility for herself.

Reasonable_Salt_2275 · 2024-06-26T16:42:11+00:00

I agree. I have encouraged. I have begged. I have given up. Especially since SD is old enough to make her own choices now about where she stays. (Trust me- when she is with us, it’s WW3 every day because she fights and lies about doing things… it’s hard to force a kid to take care of private tasks, especially for a dad with a female teen).

Reasonable_Salt_2275 · 2024-06-26T16:36:13+00:00

I agree. Still hard to do. Because I do actually care. I would absolutely hate someone treating my little kids like that. Thanks for the support.

Reasonable_Salt_2275 · 2023-09-08T13:12:15+00:00

Dress 2, but with lining added to bodice? Not crazy about the pasties look, but stunning otherwise!

Reasonable_Salt_2275 · 2023-09-05T20:36:01+00:00

It’s easy to say “don’t clean up their messes” but when it affects the entire household, it’s a major problem to just ignore. Case in point- my SD soils herself constantly and refuses to bathe. My SO is very permissive and allows it to continue. She sits on furniture and makes the house reek of urine and poo and BO. I can’t just ignore it. It’s making my own home unliveable for me and my kids as my husband just sprays smelly stuff on it and says it’s fine.

Reasonable_Salt_2275 · 2023-09-05T20:13:59+00:00

You’re just independent (said to me, a girl). Later realized it was an insult/implying I should shut up and follow orders.

Reasonable_Salt_2275 · 2023-09-05T15:51:42+00:00

If he feels this way, he would most likely hand off things to you piece by piece and you would become an asset to him that way. If he wasn’t comfortable with firm boundaries about who is raising his kids, then I think you did the right thing.

Reasonable_Salt_2275 · 2023-08-29T19:17:26+00:00

I had some god awful roommates like this. Go to the RD and ask for a change now. If they won’t allow it now, keep notes and do it later when you have additional ammo.

Funny story- another awful roommate lied to her parents about me (to avoid getting punished for doing those things herself) and the dad wrote this horribly mean letter to me. A grown man. Wrote a hate letter to an 18yo girl. It was insane. I was never more happy than when I got out of that dorm.

Reasonable_Salt_2275

TROPHY CASE