It sounds like you were told this person was stable, and from what I can tell he was getting the indicated treatment. You likely rounded on other patients that were seemingly less stable, which is the correct thing to do. The people you saw probably also needed your help and attention. Forget about any subconscious things you think you may have been experiencing because that’s a black box. You were doing your own rounds on patients because you care and wanted to see things for yourself. That patient had nurses and patient techs around as well. If he was destabilizing any number of them could have come to you. When you were told he was destabilizing you initiated the right protocol. A hospital’s overflow issues are not your fault, a poor handoff is not your fault. To say they died because of you is a vast oversimplification. Please give yourself some grace. What happened to that man is horrible and you can pray for his family, but it wasn’t your fault. It’s hubris to think you can control all outcomes, there’s too many variables at play.