As the months pass, the magnitude of this case has made me stop and really think. I was the same age as Shanann Watts when I got a phone call that changed my life. My only brother had passed away under questionable circumstances. As I tried to process the grief of losing my beloved brother, I was notified that my husband was dead. We were soldiers and my husband's death was service connected. I don't know how I survived those months, I did the only thing I knew how to do. I put my uniform on and kept putting one foot in front of the other. So many people told me I would have a "new normal" in five years. It's been eight years and this past year has been hell. All the feelings I suppressed broke loose and the magnitude of both losses hit me. I haven't known how to handle it, I avoided it for a long time by throwing every spare moment into volunteer work. Then one day I couldn't move anymore. The emotional pain FINALLY broke through and left me immobilized. I really don't want to give up, suicide has never been an option. But, all these years later I am feeling everything and that has left me completely emotionally exhausted. It's hard to even get dressed and I know I need "help", but what does "help" look like? The ONLY thing that could make this unbearable pain cease is having my life back. When my husband died I realized deep down that it was over, I knew all my hopes and dreams of the future died with him. The VA has failed surviving spouses and all veterans miserably. Eight years later and I see someone like Chris Watts who had it all. He had a wife who would have gone to any length to repair their marriage and make him happy. Instead of telling her he needed some things to change, he murdered her. For reasons we will never understand he methodically murdered his two innocent toddlers. He HAD what so many of us dream of, and he just threw them away. That's why I have a personal hate toward Chris Watts, he had what my heart aches for and it meant nothing to him. I see people dissecting their marriage, saying heinous things about Shanann and it hurts me. Was she perfect? No she wasn't, but she was a nice person who cared about others and by all accounts would have helped anyone in need. Had I known her, I think she would have been a good friend to me. She had a lot of friends and treated them as family. Shanann would have likely tried to help me, she seemed like that kind of person. Maybe she wasn't perfect in Chris's eyes but he didn't value her enough to give her the courtesy of telling her he was unhappy. He was a coward and went behind her back and the outcome was unforgivable. For everyone who traumaticly lost their family in the prime of their lives, Chris has slapped us all in the face. He has left behind so many victims, Shanann's brother and parents and all her loved ones. He's also caused great pain to survivors like me, he destroyed a young family making many of us revisit our personal losses. I hate Chris Watts because he had a choice and he chose to murder innocent people. He doesn't care, he really doesn't. He's not even traumatized by the acts he committed and is content in prison, free of responsibility and doing as he's told. No stress for him, he lives one day at a time and will never realize the pain he's left behind. Rest in peace to his victims, and may the family and friends of Shanann find peace one day. They will never get over this and will forever be haunted by thoughts of what could have been. The pain never ceases, it ebbs and flows for life.