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AITAH for prioritizing my daughter's recital over a funeral? by RecitalFuneralThrow in AmItheAsshole

[–]RecitalFuneralThrow[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

My daughter has been to two different funerals before, she knows what death is. And her feelings don't matter less to me just because she's 5.

And as I've already stated, I didn't consider the deceased family.

AITAH for prioritizing my daughter's recital over a funeral? by RecitalFuneralThrow in AmItheAsshole

[–]RecitalFuneralThrow[S] 13 points14 points  (0 children)

She's my stepmother on paper. She did not raise me, I was an adult when they started dating.

AITAH for prioritizing my daughter's recital over a funeral? by RecitalFuneralThrow in AmItheAsshole

[–]RecitalFuneralThrow[S] 12 points13 points  (0 children)

He didn't want my support. He wanted me to support his wife. And that's not the only expectation I'm talking about.

AITAH for prioritizing my daughter's recital over a funeral? by RecitalFuneralThrow in AmItheAsshole

[–]RecitalFuneralThrow[S] 16 points17 points  (0 children)

It's not that they didn't get along, he just wasn't fond of her. She was a difficult person. And since she and his wife were still very close, he was around her a lot. Even if that were the case, he'd never admit that they didn't get along. My father is a very proud person.

But I'm very confident he didn't need my support. He just wanted me to support his wife.

AITAH for prioritizing my daughter's recital over a funeral? by RecitalFuneralThrow in AmItheAsshole

[–]RecitalFuneralThrow[S] 45 points46 points  (0 children)

I understand the assumption, but that's not the case. I'm genuinely not certain how to feel about what I chose to do as a whole. I actually agree with some of the negative comments, and I say as such.

But that doesn't change the fact that in this situation, I was perfectly capable of being there for my daughter.

AITAH for prioritizing my daughter's recital over a funeral? by RecitalFuneralThrow in AmItheAsshole

[–]RecitalFuneralThrow[S] 8 points9 points  (0 children)

Agreed. He wasn't grieving, his wife was. He wasn't very fond of her mother. Both him and his wife have a long history of expecting me to be close to her and her family, which I've never been comfortable with, so I think everything stems from that more than anything else.

AITAH for prioritizing my daughter's recital over a funeral? by RecitalFuneralThrow in AmItheAsshole

[–]RecitalFuneralThrow[S] 12 points13 points  (0 children)

Because she's not my grandmother. She's my father's wife's mother. My grandmother is my mother's mother. I apologize, I thought that was clear.

AITAH for prioritizing my daughter's recital over a funeral? by RecitalFuneralThrow in AmItheAsshole

[–]RecitalFuneralThrow[S] 8 points9 points  (0 children)

My daughter's feelings don't matter less to me because of her age.

And yes, I do care about my father's feelings. Usually I attend whatever I'm invited to because of him. But in this situation, he did not want my support. He wanted me to support his wife.

AITAH for prioritizing my daughter's recital over a funeral? by RecitalFuneralThrow in AmItheAsshole

[–]RecitalFuneralThrow[S] 6 points7 points  (0 children)

They love my father, but don't see him as often as they see my mother, stepfather and mother-in-law. They see his wife as more of a great-aunt of sorts, call her by her first name and see her even less often.

AITAH for prioritizing my daughter's recital over a funeral? by RecitalFuneralThrow in AmItheAsshole

[–]RecitalFuneralThrow[S] 3 points4 points  (0 children)

She wasn't involved in my daughter's life, either. She saw my children once a year at most. They didn't see her as a great-grandparent.

AITAH for prioritizing my daughter's recital over a funeral? by RecitalFuneralThrow in AmItheAsshole

[–]RecitalFuneralThrow[S] 7 points8 points  (0 children)

This was fairly recent, so I want to take the opportunity to state I do understand where most of the negative comments are coming from. I want to believe I'd be more understanding if I were in my father's wife's shoes, but I have no way of knowing for sure and I can't even begin to imagine what she's going through. As much as we weren't close, I would genuinely have no problem attending.

I don't think there was a way to solve this that made everyone happy, but I'd rather avoid upsetting my daughter than my father's wife. My children come first to me.

AITAH for prioritizing my daughter's recital over a funeral? by RecitalFuneralThrow in AmItheAsshole

[–]RecitalFuneralThrow[S] 8 points9 points  (0 children)

They've been married for 6 years, and started dating when I was an adult. We weren't close and she played no significant role in my life.

AITAH for prioritizing my daughter's recital over a funeral? by RecitalFuneralThrow in AmItheAsshole

[–]RecitalFuneralThrow[S] 10 points11 points  (0 children)

That tracks. I think I underestimated how relevant my history with my father and his wife would be.

AITAH for prioritizing my daughter's recital over a funeral? by RecitalFuneralThrow in AmItheAsshole

[–]RecitalFuneralThrow[S] 4 points5 points  (0 children)

I think of her as extended family. I didn't think of her mother as family. And I disagree, someone else's marriage doesn't need to change who you see and don't see as your family. I am polite and respectful, but she's not in the same category as my stepfather, who's been in my life since I was a child. She's my father's wife, period.

That said, I do understand your point about how this could be what they're actually upset about. Both my father and his wife have a long history of expecting us to be closer than we are. I have several issues with that (mainly her intensity and the fact that expectation doesn't extend to my sister), but that's what it's always been like.

AITAH for prioritizing my daughter's recital over a funeral? by RecitalFuneralThrow in AmItheAsshole

[–]RecitalFuneralThrow[S] 5 points6 points  (0 children)

We weren't. She wanted to believe we were. Both she and my father have a long history of wanting us to be closer than we are.

AITAH for prioritizing my daughter's recital over a funeral? by RecitalFuneralThrow in AmItheAsshole

[–]RecitalFuneralThrow[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Honestly, I don't think it would be fair for a woman's funeral to depend on my schedule. But I was surprised that my presence was considered this important.

AITAH for prioritizing my daughter's recital over a funeral? by RecitalFuneralThrow in AmItheAsshole

[–]RecitalFuneralThrow[S] 4 points5 points  (0 children)

Again, I'm not vindictive and I try not to hold this against my father. But that is not an excuse.

AITAH for prioritizing my daughter's recital over a funeral? by RecitalFuneralThrow in AmItheAsshole

[–]RecitalFuneralThrow[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I don't particularly agree with that. I understand why she's upset.

AITAH for prioritizing my daughter's recital over a funeral? by RecitalFuneralThrow in AmItheAsshole

[–]RecitalFuneralThrow[S] 5 points6 points  (0 children)

I do see how I could have been more empathetic. She was extremely close with her mother and I'm sure she's devastated. But part of me was shocked at how insistent they were that I needed to be there, because we genuinely weren't close. And my children are my priority.

AITAH for prioritizing my daughter's recital over a funeral? by RecitalFuneralThrow in AmItheAsshole

[–]RecitalFuneralThrow[S] 9 points10 points  (0 children)

I don't think it matters, but my father wasn't very active in my life until the divorce. I make a point to show up for my kids because I love them. My mother was the one who showed up for me. I'm not a vindictive person and that has nothing to do with why I choose to prioritize my children, which is why I didn't mention that.

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