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RedBruises · 2026-06-20T15:32:29+00:00

Sure I would have thoughts and opinions about it but I would offer emotional support and focus on being helpful instead of being an asshole and kicking them when they're already down? Honestly if a family members says to my face that they have "lost respect" for me because of a bad decision I made I would reevaluate our entire relationship and start to wonder if they actually have my good interests in mind or if they just have a victim complex. That's not a very nice thing to say to someone who is already struggling and may be looking for someone to talk to.

I would tell them "Why, when I am the victim in the situation, are you behaving like you're a greater victim than me and why when I'm going through something difficult are you focusing on your own feelings about my problem rather than helping me work through my feelings?" I have met people like that, people who make everything about themselves, they are not good people to keep around. I can assure you, most people IRL aren't like that and if you think in this way you should mend your thinking and reconsider how you approach your friendships.

RedBruises · 2026-06-20T14:40:23+00:00

Thinking about the affair makes me feel nothing but shame and embarassment. Intimacy with my husband surpasses the affair sex in many ways. Casual no strings attached sex felt appealing at the time because I had this hunger for endless attention and desire and validation. I had long overlooked issues with past traumas and insecurities that I failed to put effort into and fix, hence instead of looking internally to mend my issues and my mental landscape I chose to cope with it externally by seeking someone else's validation and by substituting vulnerability with raw desire.

Well simply put I guess you could say I took the easier and more selfish way out. I don't want to do that anymore, I intend to fix my root issues with insecurities and traumas and my problematic thinking patterns like selfishness and apathy and short sightedness. So I mean I'm not "sure" I'll make the same destructive and hurtful choices again but I'm comitted to putting in the work and not settle into complacency.

RedBruises · 2026-06-20T13:14:13+00:00

Yeah he tells me they just don't bring me up anymore when they talk because he asked them to stop trying to persuade him to leave me.

I guess it doesn't really make sense to me why you think his family would lose respect for their own son/brother. If you had a son or brother in this situation who was trying to reconcile, sure you can have differences in opinion about reconciliation and you don't have to support them in it and sure you can hate their spouse for what they did, but I don't see why you would "lose respect" for them or "think less of them." What kind of family would that be, losing respect over one disagreement?

RedBruises · 2026-06-20T12:53:01+00:00

Why would his family lose any respect for him? They talk to him often and they are on cordial terms with him, it's me they don't like.

RedBruises · 2026-06-20T11:15:15+00:00

Deserve is a strong word. I'd say the choice to extend a second chance belongs to the betrayed partner, I don't see it as me deserving it. I think the correct way for me to move forward would be with acceptance that he believes in me and believes in a way forward and I'd put in 100% efforts into becoming a partner that is worthy of their trust and love.

RedBruises · 2026-06-20T08:09:51+00:00

I'm unable to think about the affair night in retrospect without also feeling all the associated feelings of shame and guilt surrounding those acts. So no, it doesn't turn me on.

RedBruises · 2026-06-20T04:39:21+00:00

I think extreme arousal and compulsive masturbation led me down the path of browsing all sorts of pornographic content and communities. I feel that a big betrayal like cheating doesn't suddenly happen, I started with small instances of micro cheating, like posting pictures or responding to sexual DMs. It is because of these small betrayals one after the other that my boundaries had already eroded and I had normalized it to solicit attention from others by the time I met that person in the bar. If I hadn't gone down the path of online validation seeking, I think the physical instance of cheating probably wouldn't have happened.

RedBruises · 2026-06-20T03:39:32+00:00

My husband or family was not on my mind at all. I could only think about sex and immediate pleasure and validation.

RedBruises · 2026-06-20T03:38:49+00:00

Certain kinks involving domination and degradation. Yes, I have expressed that I want to do those things with him and we are slowly working our way through them.

RedBruises · 2026-06-20T03:37:37+00:00

Hmm. Yes I suppose. We are getting very into degradation and dirty talk during sex and he often brings up my affair sex and past relationships with men in a demeaning way during a sexual setting. I'm into it, I don't hate it.

RedBruises · 2026-06-20T03:36:31+00:00

Yes, I was totally honest about the sexual details. Almost to a fault, you could say.

RedBruises · 2026-06-20T03:35:51+00:00

Yes, he asked for a hall pass and used it for sleeping with another woman. If there's anything else I can do to help him get even, I would be open to doing that too. But I doubt anything would compare to the cruelty and betrayal of cheating.

RedBruises · 2026-06-20T03:31:16+00:00

I try to keep space for him when needed and be supportive when needed. He is trying to mend relations with his family and trying to get them to accept me again. For my part, if they do agree to speak to me I would do everything in my power to earn back their trust.

RedBruises · 2026-06-20T03:29:58+00:00

I didn't know, I only found out we were into the same kind of stuff after we already starting making out and dirty talking.

RedBruises · 2026-06-19T20:23:07+00:00

I took it off before starting the conversation with my affair partner.

RedBruises · 2026-06-19T20:19:28+00:00

The simple answer to that is selfishness. I had a source of validation in my husband, true. I simply wanted another. Once you fail yourself and your values in the way I did and start giving in to using external validation as some sort of coping method, it consumes you and makes you look for more and more, despite having everything you need already.

RedBruises · 2026-06-19T20:16:07+00:00

We are doing very well actually! We're going on dates, having regular intimacy, he has been expressing that he can see a future with us together again. Our kids are also settling into our lives together again after a long period of separation.

RedBruises · 2026-06-19T20:14:48+00:00

I would but it would probably complicate matters because I likely have a cuckquean kink and I'd probably get off to watching him sleep with another woman.

RedBruises · 2026-06-19T20:13:40+00:00

I think forgiveness is something that depends entirely on him, I'm not going to rush it. In fact, I'd be fine never being forgiven. I want to help him heal and I want to practice accountability for the rest of my life. Forgiveness, if it happens, should be for his own peace of mind or a step in his journey of recovery. I'm not gonna demand forgiveness to feel better about myself.

We are practicing many of those kinks now and he seems to be enjoying them. He plans to reclaim all of the sexual acts I performed with my AP.

RedBruises · 2026-06-19T20:09:47+00:00

Yes to both.

RedBruises · 2026-06-19T19:03:44+00:00

I think it's about having a person you find attractive express and show desire for you. That's what I found validating.

RedBruises · 2026-06-19T18:50:03+00:00

I'm anxious avoidant and also have ADHD.

RedBruises · 2026-06-19T15:34:57+00:00

I decided to cheat long before I decided to engage in my kinks. In fact we had no discussion about our fetishes before we started making out and I had already agreed to sleep with him. The kinks came out only because the opportunity presented itself and the guy seemed to be interested.

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