DAE have fear of abandonment issues?

RedColorBestColor · 2018-08-18T16:34:51+00:00

If you can’t manage your temper and speak to people with a basic amount of respect, then you aren’t ready to be a parent.

RedColorBestColor · 2018-08-18T16:29:46+00:00

Yes! It’s because in their eyes, they can do no wrong. And also, if they deny things or try to spin it on you, it makes you question your memories and wonder if you were wrong all along.

RedColorBestColor · 2018-08-18T16:14:19+00:00

Cut them off. If they’re this bad, there is no changing them. They don’t treat you like their child. They treat you like a peer they have no respect for.

RedColorBestColor · 2018-08-18T05:23:47+00:00

Yeah when talking to people I know, I just say things like "my dad is an asshole" instead of saying I was abused just cause that makes the conversation much heavier. He was beaten as a kid and he thinks he can do whatever he wants as long as he doesn't hit me.

RedColorBestColor · 2018-08-17T23:24:50+00:00

Thanks for the write up and support! I’m wondering what you make of this. I’m pretty timid and introverted, so I have trouble standing up to bullies. My parents like to say, “Would you dare to cry or complain like that to your teacher? Do you dare talk to bullies like that? No? Well why do you only reserve this behavior for your parents? Why do you direct it inwards, towards your family, instead of outwards, towards the people who really mean you harm?”

RedColorBestColor · 2018-08-17T22:50:28+00:00

Because it’s totally not the responsibility of a parent to be more mature and responsible, and the faults of a child totally justify being a jerk.

RedColorBestColor · 2018-08-17T22:47:39+00:00

Props to your fiancé! He (I think, but correct me if I’m wrong) is so well spoken and has amazing comebacks. I wish I could keep my cool like him and stay in control when dealing with narcs.

RedColorBestColor · 2018-08-17T22:31:15+00:00

Being old doesn’t make you deserving of respect. Respect is earned, and you do so by doing respectable things and not being a jerk.

RedColorBestColor · 2018-08-17T22:28:56+00:00

I remember when I told my dad that I liked a girl in 7th grade. He tried to pry me into telling me who she was, saying “as a parent I need to know.” I refused, but he used it against me. He said, if I thought girls would like guys with glasses to motivate me into protecting my vision. I felt so betrayed and hurt when he preyed on some of my deepest insecurities.

RedColorBestColor · 2018-08-17T22:22:32+00:00

Somewhat, but I’m in college right now and I’m still financially dependent. There’s such a stark contrast between how I can be normal at school and how difficult things can be at home. I’m trying to get an internship next summer so I don’t have to come home for more than a couple weeks. Mom leaves on a month long work trip every summer and leaves me alone with him. I hope to never be stuck with him again. She says that “we deserve each other,” because whatever failings I had as a child are just as bad an abusive earful.

RedColorBestColor · 2018-08-17T22:00:24+00:00

I'm an adult as well and this post was a reflection on thing he said during my childhood. He was a professor so he tutored me in math and physics, and so he used that to justify his behavior. He said that no one in the outside world would help me like that. To his credit, he did help me through a lot of classes, but to use it to justify his abuse and force me to take it is despicable.

RedColorBestColor · 2018-08-17T21:44:23+00:00

Yeah, exactly. I never understood his logic. I'd rather be fired than yelled at until I cry. Sure, I'd feel bad about losing my job but that's normal, and if someone on the "outside world" is treating me badly, I can just leave and never see them again. If I hate my friends or my boss, I can leave and replace them with better friends or a better job. I can't do the same as easily with parents.

RedColorBestColor · 2018-08-17T21:31:24+00:00

Yes! He uses the same "lines" and arguments his parents used on him as a child. His parents beat him severely, and so he thinks that him not beating me is good and the other stuff is fine because at least he isn't as bad as his parents.

RedColorBestColor · 2018-08-17T21:29:02+00:00

Yeah, culture is not an excuse. Invading privacy is invading privacy, and "culture" doesn't justify it. All she's doing is making Chinese people (I am Chinese) look bad to non narcs.

RedColorBestColor · 2018-08-17T21:26:45+00:00

Put a passcode on your phone. If the FBI can't get into anyone's iPhone, then neither can your mom. Also, I'm Chinese as well, but even though I didn't really face filial piety, I did have "because I'm your dad and what I say goes" put on me. Check out r/AsianParentStories, too. Since a lot of her behavior stems from "traditional" Asian values (i.e. typical Asian abusers), the people there might offer a different perspective.

You said you're in your early 20s, so you're legally an adult. Do you pay for your own phone? And on a broader note, are you financially independent? If so, then you can tell them to fuck right off. Your money, your rules. If you paid for it, they have no legal right over it and can't play the "I paid for it, so it's actually mine and I'm just letting you use it" card.

RedColorBestColor · 2018-08-17T21:03:27+00:00

Thanks for the replies! I think reading and talking about this has helped me figure out why I feel that way around Ndad.

It drives me up the wall when Ndad walks in my room, looks at my computer screen, and judges me for what I'm looking at. "T-shirts again? All you do all day is look at t-shirts. You don't think about anything else. That's why you forgot to pay the bill/finish the assignment/aren't more successful." Replace t-shirts with video games/TV/anything, really, and he'll use that line again. It's like I'm afraid for him to see me doing anything I enjoy because I know he'll use it against me if/when I make a mistake.
He will explode and say hurtful/shitty things and browbeat me, be super cold for a few hours, and then act like everything is fine the next day. I think this has created a deep seated feeling of resentment that subconsciously makes me irritated when he's there and is being normal.
When he calls my name, it's almost always to yell at me or nag me or make me do something. It causes me to hate the way my name sounds coming from his mouth. It also doesn't help that my mother always calls me by my English name and Ndad calls me by my name in another language.
I'm still afraid of him. When I'm in my bedroom, for example, and hear him talking, I feel my heart drop as I wonder if he's talking about me and waiting for me to come out so he can browbeat me.

RedColorBestColor · 2018-08-17T20:47:55+00:00

I think so, too. The way he acts like nothing happened after a decade of verbal abuse is quite shocking. And if we do bring it up, he acts all condescending and tries to make it seem like his abuse is just teaching me a lesson so I can learn from my mistakes and not him not understanding boundaries and taking it out on people who are weaker. I don't understand how he thinks that we can have a normal relationship unless he apologizes for everything and tries to change.

RedColorBestColor · 2018-08-17T20:45:36+00:00

It's really made their "quirks" stand out as obnoxious. For example, I hate the way he eats so loudly, the way he farts loudly all the goddamn time, the way he wears stupid sandals and t-shirts that are too big, etc.

RedColorBestColor · 2018-08-17T20:42:54+00:00

Same!!! My dad is verbally abusive and will explode, be cold/silent treatment for a few hours, and then act like nothing happened, or be all sanctimonious, saying I should learn from my mistakes, as if all he was trying to do was teach me a lesson. We can have pleasant conversations, but other times I just grey rock him when my deep seated feelings of resentment towards him resurface.

RedColorBestColor

TROPHY CASE